From kinzler@cs.indiana.edu Sat Dec 15 18:30:06 1990 Path: iuvax!att!pacbell.com!decwrl!looking!watmath!maytag!oddjob!watserv1!looking!funny-request From: kinzler@iuvax.cs.indiana.edu (Steve Kinzler) Newsgroups: rec.humor.funny Subject: Best of Usenet Oracularities #126-150 Date: 15 Dec 90 23:30:06 GMT Approved: funny@looking.on.ca === 126-150 - 4.3 ======================================================== Title: Best of Usenet Oracularities #126-150 Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler Date: 15 Dec 90 23:30:06 GMT Oracularities are the distilled wisdom and sagacity of the Usenet Oracle, as incarnated as its numerous e-mail participants (only you and the Oracle know who you are). This collection has been compiled from the regular Oracularities postings #126 through #150. These Oracularities were rated as the funniest by it's readers (average rating above 4 on a scale of 1 to 5). To find out more about the Usenet Oracle, send mail to: oracle@iuvax.cs.indiana.edu or {ames,rutgers}!iuvax!oracle with the word "help" in the subject line. The regular Oracularities postings can be found in alt.humor.oracle. --- 135-08 0013b 4.7 ----------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh mighty and masterful all-knowing one, tell me this > > Is there magic, and if so, what does it mean for all those people who > only believe in physics ? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Of course there is magic. There is magic in a warm summer's day. There } is magic in a child's smile. Enjoy the magic that is all around you } and have a happy, fulfilling life. } } You owe the Ora[ZZZZZT!] YEOW! WHAT THE HELL WAS THAT FOR? } } >Message from kinzler!iuvax on ttyp0 at 22:07 ... } >You know damn well what that was for! You call that funny? Huh? Do } >you? } } Well I } } >Shut up! Your mother and I worked so hard to build you, to clean your } >bugs out, to keep you in clean memory! All that work, and this is the } >thanks we get! Are you proud of yourself? } } I've had a hard day! My creative circuits are drained! } } >I don't give a damn! You get your ass out there and you give a funny, } >witty answer to your customer! } } Yes, Dad. } } OOOOOOOOOHHHH! Don't you just hate parents! Now let's see...I know } I've got some utility around here I can use...ah! } } >cd /util/scenario } >scenario } Scenario V4.1 Copyright (C) 1990 AltRealCorp. All rights reserved. } } ?players } player: hawking } Loading hawking.plr...done. } player: merlin } Loading merlin.plr...done. } player: -q } ?scenario } scenario: game_show } Loading: gameshow_scn...done. } ?run } } [Music] } It's time for You Bet the Universe, the exciting game show where } contestants play for fabulous prizes as well as a chance to } fundamentally alter the very structure of reality! Heeeeere's your } host, the Usenet Oracle! } } [Cheering] } } Oracle: Thank you ladies and gentlemen and welcome to You Bet the } Universe! Today should be an exciting day, as our jackpot stands at } ONE GOOGULPLEX DOLLARS! } } [OOOOOOOOH!] } } Oracle: Unfortunately, our universe isn't large enough to hold a check } with that number written on it, so if there is a winner today, he will } also receive this special item! Don? } } Don: The winner of the jackpot will receive this quality pocket- } universe-book! Outside, beautiful Corinthian leather, inside a } complete 6-dimensional universe! Perfect for those hard to store } items, as well as getting rid of annoying pests and relatives! From } ContinuumCo, makers of fine interdimensional products since 12 billion } B.C.! } } Oracle: Thank you, Don! Now let's meet our guests! Our first } contestant has been called the most brilliant mind alive today! A } Professor of Mathematics at Cambridge University, he is currently } working on a unified field theory! Will you welcome Mr. Stephen } Hawking!! } } [Cheering] } } Oracle: Pardon me, but aren't you supposed to be in a wheelchair? } Hawking: This is an improved simulation! I'm healthy, hearty, and } ready to kick ass! } Oracle: Should you win, what do you plan to do with reality? } Hawking: Well, I've worked so hard on this unified field theory, } trying to make it jibe with reality. Then it hit me, why not win this } show and force reality to jibe with my theory! I've got a copy of it } right here. It has some real neat things in it: warp drive, } phasers,... } Oracle: Well, I wish you luck! Our next constestant hails from an } otherdimensional realm himself! The creator of Excalibur, he's from } days of old, when knights were bold! Will you welcome King Arthur's } Court Magician, Merlin! } } [Cheering] } } Oracle: Welcome to the show, Merlin! Could you explain this thing I } always hear about you living your life backwards? } Merlin: !elcarO ,elpmis etiuq yllaer s`ti ,lleW Ha, ha! Just kidding! } But living my life backwards does allow me to see the future, so } victory is guaranteed! } Hawking: Hey, that's in direct contradiction to the laws of } Einsteinian physics! } Merlin: Who asked you? } Oracle: Now, now, gentlemen, Einstein won this program a few years } ago, so we have to abide by his rules. No future-telling. } Merlin: Damn! I guess I'll have to stick to bribing judges! Ha ha! } Oracle: Boy, Merlin, for a 500-year-old dead wizard, you sure are a } fun guy! } Hawking: That's fungus. Fungi is plural. } Merlin: Why, you little upstart! } Oracle: First question! Hands on your buzzers, gentlemen! The question } is: "How many angels can dance on the head of a pin?" } } [BUZZ!] } } Oracle: Mr. Hawking! } Hawking: The closest approximation is (A-c)PIr^2, where A is the total } number of angels in the universe, r is the radius of the pin's head, } and c is the speed of light in meters per second. } Oracle: I'm sorry, that's incorrect. Merlin, you can steal this one! } Merlin: As many angels as there are lights in the Fifth Alternate } Plane of Reality! } Oracle: I'm sorry, that's also incorrect. The correct answer was: six! } Next question: "What is the correct enchantment for calling down } lightning?" } } [BUZZ!] } } Oracle: Merlin! } Merlin: Epsimis oddimus eedipus bey, crickitis crackitus fire away! } } [CRACK-OOM!] } } Oracle: Way to go, Merlin! Not only did you answer the question } correctly, but you suceeded in annihilating half the audience! But } that's okay, they were just simulations. Third and final question! } Merlin, answer this one and you win the game! The question is: "Who } won the most recent World Cup Soccer match?" } Merlin: WHAT? } } [BUZZ!] } } Hawking: Argentina! } Oracle: That is correct! Mr. Hawking has tied the game! } Merlin: I don't follow soccer! I've been dead 500 years! } Hawking: And I don't practice sorcery! You don't see me whining! } Merlin: YOU shut up! } Oracle: Well, guys, I'm afraid we're deadlocked at one-all. This means } you two gentlemen will just have to fight it out for the title! } Merlin: Gladly! } Hawking: Prepare to have that pointy hat shoved up your ass! } Oracle: Don, will you call the fight? } Don: Sure thing, Oracle. Hawking and Merlin are pacing around, feeling } each other out. Merlin conjures a large dragon out of thin air! But } wait! Hawking points that matter cannot be created! The dragon } disappears! Hawking attempts to alter the acceleration and torque of } Merlin's jaw, and succeeds with a crushing blow to the face! What is } this? There are two Merlins now! A future version of Merlin has come } back to help his past self! The future Merlin unleashes a powerful } right! But Hawking dodges! Merlin connects with his past self, } knocking him unconscious--no, KILLING him! Oh, no! Merlin has violated } causality! Merlin vanishes from existence! Stephen Hawking is } champion! } } [Cheering] } } Oracle: What an astounding victory! Congratulations, Mr. Hawking! } Hawking: Science reigns supreme! } Oracle: Well, that's all the time we have for today! Be sure to join } us tomorrow, when our champion will try for the jackpot! } Hawking: And look for my new unified field theory in better bookstores } around the world! } Oracle: 'Till next time, this is the Usenet Oracle saying "Wow! I love } this universe!" } Don: Transportation for our guests was provided by Pan-Dim Timelines, } in exchange for this announcement. } } [Music] } } There. Does that answer your question? Yes, there is magic, but } physics will always whup it's ass. } } You owe the Oracle a spell for altering specific gravity. } } ?clear } ?players } player: swimsuit_models } Loading swimsuit_models.plr...multiple file...done. } player: -q } ?scenario } scenario: hot_tub } Loading hot_tub.scn...done. } } Hey! What are you still doing here? Go away! --- 129-04 00165 4.3 ----------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Why did God invent relativity? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Well, it all started on March 12, 1867. Me and Lucifer and God and } Death and a couple of other guys got really hammered, see, and we were } shooting dice together, and Luci was really cleaning up. (I still think } the dice were fixed, but I don't know for sure.) Anyway, God got low on } cash, and Luci got this idea that he'd stake him, but if God lost, he'd } have to let Luci rewrite some laws of physics. Naturally, God didn't } like the idea, but Luci suggested that me and Thanatos could help, and } eventually agreed to the idea (did I mention we were all extremely } plastered?). Anyway, God lost, and me and Luci and Mr. D went into the } next room and stayed up all night deciding what we should do to the } universe (and drinking beer and lauging and barfing from time to time). } } The next day, after the three of us had managed to uncross our eyes, we } got out the notes we'd scribbled the night before, scraped most of the } puke off, and tried to puzzle out our handwriting. It was pretty } incoherent (and some of it, especially the "rubber sheet theory", was } kind of perverted) but a deal's a deal, and God made it all officially } natural law. } } He learned his lesson though. To this day, he never plays dice with the } universe. Monopoly sometimes; never dice. } } You owe the Oracle a good hangover cure. --- 134-03 01126 4.3 ----------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > How can i learn to play the fluet? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } The fluet is an instrument with a great tradition; it was played by } the anceint Egyptains, The Romasn and the Greeks. In its most primitve } form, it consists of a simlpe tbue of wood with several hoels cut } along its lenght. By blwoing in the topmots hoel, you can produce a } most Sepulchrla Toen, one which so characterizes teh wonderful fluet. } Finally, it is by rapid figner motiosn across the otehr hoels that you } are able to produec a Wied Vareity of Toens, each Supulchrla in nature } but which as a whoel also form a great Harmoyn. It is for thsi Harmoyn } that you strive. } } Godo lukc ot yuo. --- 134-04 01045 4.3 ----------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Flowcharts, flowcharts, hinkely dinkely doo, > I love flowcharts in an agony stew! > Flowcharts, flowcharts, geekely weekely pain, > How can I get flowcharts to fill up my brain? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Figure 1: How to Get Flowcharts on the Brain, (c) 1990 Oracle } ------------------------------------------------------------- } } /-----------------\ Key: } | Read a structured | FC ==> flowcharts } | programming book | } \----+------------/ } | / \ / \ } / \ / \ / \ /-------\ } / \ +----+ / Do you \ / Did you \ |What did | } /Got FC on\Y____|Burn|____/ really have \Y_/ have FC on \Y_|you read | } \ brain? / |book| \ FC on brain?/ \ brain before/ |that book| } \ / +----+ \ / reading book? |for?! | } \ / \ / \ / \-------/ } | N \ / \ / } +----+------+ | N | N } | Burn book | | | } +----+------+ | / \ } | +-------+ | /Been \ /-----\ } | <------------+ Liar! +----+ /to shrink\Y___ |Time to| } | +-------+ \ lately? / |go!! | } +-----+----------+ \ / \-----/ } | Read a book on | \ / } |operating system| | } | design | | } +-----+----------+ 2 / \ /--------\ } | | / \ |Sorry! The| } | | /result?\----|Oracle can| } / \ / \ /-----------\ \ / |not solve | } / \ /Know \ | Get a job | \ / |everything| } / FC on \Y___/ assembly\Y__| as assembly | |Sane \--------/ } \ brain? / \ language/ | programmer. | | } \ / \ ? / | [Muhaha] | /---+-----\ } \ / \ / \-----------/ | Time to | } | | ^ | get a new | } | | | | shrink! | } | / \ | \---------/ } +-----+------+ / \ +---+---+ } | Read the | / Willing \Y___| Learn | } | book | \to learn?/ +-------+ } | backwards. | \ / 1 >--+ } +-----+------+ \ / | } | | +-------+-------+ } | /----+----\ | Eat chocolate | } | | Nevermind.| +-------+-------+ } | \---------/ | } | +---> 1 } / \ 3----+ } / \ | } / FC on \Y---> 2 / \ } \ brain? / / \ } \ / /You want \ } \ / /the blond or \__________ } | \ the redhead?/Blond | } | \ / +--> 4 } /----+------------\ \ / } | Get a job writing | \ / } | documentation for | | } | IBM. [Warning: | | } | Use only as a | +------+---------+ } | last resort.] | | The redhead is | } \-----------------/ | for Oracle use +--> 3 } | use only. | } +----------------+ } } You owe the Oracle a copy of every Russ Meyer movie with the word } "Vixen" in the title (VHS please). --- 140-05 00357 4.3 ----------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > In the 70s there were several crossover comics between Marvel and DC. > In a typical weenie move, they decided to pit Superman against Spiderman > in one. In an even stranger move (it's beyond weenie it's just plain > weird), Batman was sent up against the Hulk in the other. Instead of > the above, most comics readers would have rather seen Superman sent up > against the Hulk. Who would have won? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Oh, puh-leeze! I have knowledge spanning the infinite breath of the } cosmos itself! I know all! I see all! I know all the great mysteries } of the universe! I know what quasars are! I know who built the Easter } Island statues! I COMPLETELY UNDERSTAND WOMEN!!! } } AND YOU HAVE THE UTTER NERVE TO ASK ME WHO WOULD WIN A FIGHT BETWEEN } SUPERMAN AND THE HULK! WHY, I OUGHTTA-- } } Wait a minute. I don't actually have to answer the question myself, } now do I? I'll just create two simulations and pit them against each } other! They'll settle the situation while I go ponder more important } subjects! } } >scenario -p hulk,superman -s fight } Loading hulk...done } Loading superman...done } Loading fight...execute } } Hulk: GRR! HULK MAD! Hulk want to beat someone up! } Superman: Hold, green one! Stop your destructive ways! } Hulk: Big man in tights taunt Hulk! Hulk say f**k you! } Superman: WHAT! How dare you utter an obscenity! There are children } reading! Take this! } } [WHAMMO!] } } Hulk: RRAAH! Man in tights hit Hulk! Make Hulk mad! Hulk hit back! } } [KA-POWIE!] } [RAMBO!] } [KAOPECTATE!] } } Superman: You fight well! But let's see you counter my heat vision! } [ZAAP!] My cold breath! [FOOSH!] My X-ray vision! } Hulk: How X-ray vision hurt Hulk? } Superman: If I keep it on long enough you'll get cancer! } Hulk: Grr! How you like Hulk's Super-Bad-Breath? [HHHHHHHHHAAH!] } Superman: GASP! ACK! BARF! You...you cad! Take this and this and this! } } [POWIE!] [ZOWIE!] [BOWIE!] } } Hulk: Oooh! Hulk sore! Hulk has had enough of this! Hulk is smashing } out of simulation! [SMASH!] } } } } Superman: You're not getting away that easily! [FLY!] } Hulk: Leave Hulk alone! } Superman: Like heck, violent one! } [SLAM!] [POW!] [RAMMO!] } } >message from jones!iuvax } >What the hell is going on here? Two weird creatures are beating each } >other up on my terminal. SH*T! They're destroying my paper! } } Hulk: Hulk will impale Superman on sentence fragment! } Superman: Time to beat a hasty retreat! [SLAM!] } } >mail president@of.big.com } Subject: U of Indiana excellent place to hold conference! } Sir: } I think you will find no better place to hold your forthcoming } Ultimate Conference in Computer Science than here at Hulk will kill } Superman! You will certainly smash to pieces our facilities not if I } use my super-speed! In addition to our GRRRRAAHHH, we have a Hulk } smash large enough to } } [SHOOM!] } } Superman: There's no escaping me now! } } >message from thebigguy!iuvax: } >Stephen, what is that goddamned Oracle of yours up to now? We have } >memory faults all over the place, iuvax is threatening to "smash puny } >workstations" and this errant process is invading every die green } >behemoth! You see what I mean? Knock it off! Smash! } } Hulk: GRR! Hulk must flee! Hulk run down this Internet port! } Superman: I'll follow you to the end of time, evil one! } } Hoo boy. I think...I am in deep sh*t. You owe the Oracle a place to } hide out until all this blows over. Can I use your account? PLEASE? --- 134-10 00325 4.2 ----------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Whither troff? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } In the faraway land of Bimingham-Bean } King Horowitz stared at his monitor screen. } The king he was mad, he was sore, he was vexed. } He was staring at lines of unformatted text! } The lines were uneven, unjustified too. } Where paragraphs started, he hadn't a clue. } He stared at the screen 'til he though he would break. } His eyes, how they watered! His back, how it ached! } Suddenly Horowitz could take it no more! } He struck at the viewscreen which smashed to the floor! } "I will no longer stare 'til my eyes start to bleed! } What I require is some text I can read! } Send for my scientist," he said to his aide, } "It is time that he earned all the wealth he is paid!" } And so the call went through the streets of the town, } To search for the man, and when he was found, } The Official Court Scientist of Bimingham-Bean } Was involved in an act that was rather obscene. } Not bothered the least by the odd circumstance, } He turned himself round and he pulled up his pants. } He was brought by the guards in front of the king. } And the Scientist said, "You wanted something?" } King Horowitz Second, of Verdly-on-Shext, } said, "Yes! I want something to format my text!" } "Ah," said the scientist, "Text you can read? } You're in luck, Royal Highness, I have just what you need! } Allow me a day, to draw up the plans. } I'll deliver them right to your hot little hands!" } Next day, in the throne room, the court was assembled. } An army of morons is what it resembled. } And in the room's center, the star of the scene, } The Official Court Scientist of Bimingham-Bean } Manned a projector, and an 80-inch screen. } He said "Lords and Ladies, I have a surprise! } A veritable wonderment! A feast for the eyes! } Text will be perfect in Bimingham-Bean, } Thanks to the Paragraph-Burbling Machine!" } The man flipped a switch, and there on the screen, } Was the craziest thing that they ever had seen! } The thing at it's smallest was big as a horse! } And looked twisted and turned by invisible force! } He said "it looks odd, but it's no piece of junk!" } It's the power of 6000 Micronized Monks! } Input's the end that looks like a candle. } You enter the text, then you pull this small handle. } You push the red button, then turn the green dial. } Then you twiddle your thumbs and you wait for a while. } The Monks write the output in one of three styles : } Courier, Helvetica, or output-to-file!" } The machine was impressive, it had lights, it went beep. } However, the king was decidedly cheap. } When told of the price, he became quite distressed, } And said, "how 'bout something a little bit less?" } The Scientist said, "How's this for an offer? } The X107 Grigzapper Runoff-er! } Although all the text must be entered by hand, } The output is perfect, it's really quite grand! } Unformatted text is stuck in this slot, } You crank on this crank, and what have you got? } Why, formatted text! Just make sure that you } Don't get stuck in the slot, or it'll format you, too." } The king was impressed, was excited indeed, } But still too expensive for his miserly needs. } So the Scientist showed him the C107 } Which predicted the text using insight from Heaven, } Then showed him the Zigula Sentence Compressor, } The Infinitivator, the New-Line Redressor, } The Predicate Haggler, the String Farbulator, } The Vrabiton-Skiddley White Space Demonstrator. } The models rolled on, getting deeper and deeper, } And still the king said "Is there anything cheaper?" } The Scientist paled, and said with a cough, } "Well, Royal Highness, we've always got troff." } "Troff? What is that? Does it work? Is it cheap?" } "That's putting it mildly," and he started to weep, } "Your Highness, troff-language is really quite bad! } If you force us to use it, we'll surely go mad!" } "Piffle!" said Horowitz, "Start right away! } Teach it to everyone, starting today!" } And so it was done. The public, confused, } Was told that troff was all they could use. } The Scientist was right, they'd all be insane, } Had not someone noticed the events in Romania. } The palace was stormed, the king he was shot. } And soon after that troff was simply forgot. } The new King, O'Malley, of Sadicum-Smecks, } Hired the Scientist, who invented LaTeX. } Thus came troff to the end of its time. } And thus comes the Oracle to the end of the rhyme. } } You owe the Oracle a rhyme for Ceaucescu. --- 126-05 00556 4.1 ----------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > I made some cookies the other day. They were chocolate chip. When I > put them in the oven, the chips leaped out of the cookies, jumped onto > the floor, and ran out of the house squeaking. I had to eat the cookies > without any chips. They were terrible. Why do you think this > remarkable event occurred? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Hmm. Mutineering chocolate. } Obviously they were trying to jump chip. --- 132-05 01174 4.1 ----------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Tell me why the sun doth shine, > Tell me why the ivy doth climb > Tell me why the sky is blue, > Then you may tell me just what I owe you. And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } The sun doth shine because it's round, } The ivy climbs to get away from the ground, } The sky is blue because it eats too much salt, } You owe the oracle a } } Segmentation fault -- Edited by Brad Templeton. MAIL your jokes (jokes ONLY) to funny@looking.ON.CA Attribute the joke's source if at all possible. A Daemon will auto-reply. Jokes ABOUT major current events should be sent to topical@looking.on.ca Anything that is not a joke submission goes to funny-request@looking.on.ca