From owner-oracle-archive@kinzler.com Tue Nov 28 14:25:15 2017 Return-Path: Delivered-To: oracle-distrib-3k3NfBl@internetoracle.org Received: by kinzler.com (Postfix, from userid 65534) id 2A28F100456; Tue, 28 Nov 2017 14:25:15 -0500 (EST) To: oracle-list@internetoracle.org Subject: Internet Oracularities #1575 Reply-To: vote@internetoracle.org X-Face: )/f9dPAX/dU$1Z!U(/?A PiIJvIOtcN@L.>6,2OKd."T#S7b*{feRf.Kns23^P9.Ak{GdWWv]0*1E}RJ)_idU:(5VkN*_+bB kyrnLfC12B>V/q=z32:05`EcAd.!z#3k]h)O!ZU^E"f`@),(2WT X-Planation: X-Face can be used with www.kinzler.com/ftp/faces Message-Id: <20171128192515.2A28F100456@kinzler.com> Date: Tue, 28 Nov 2017 14:25:15 -0500 (EST) From: oracle-request@internetoracle.org (Internet Oracle) === 1575 ================================================================= Title: Internet Oracularities #1575 Compiled-By: steve@kinzler.com (Steve Kinzler) Date: Tue, 28 Nov 2017 14:25:03 -0500 (EST) To find out all about the Internet Oracle (TM), including how to participate, send mail to help@internetoracle.org, or go to http://internetoracle.org/ ("Internet Oracle" is a trademark of Stephen B Kinzler.) Let us know what you like! Send your ratings of these 10 Oracularities on an integer scale of 1 ("very bad") to 5 ("very good") with the volume number to vote@internetoracle.org (probably just reply to this message). For example: 1575 2 1 3 4 3 5 3 3 4 1 1570 20 votes 35552 22583 23537 02a53 05a41 38234 36542 03944 02945 15365 1570 3.2 mean 2.9 3.4 3.5 3.5 3.0 2.9 2.8 3.5 3.6 3.5 --- 1575-01 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Ian Davis The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Please tell me the history of the 1938 Army Air Corpse, which is where > my grandfather was supposed to be killed accept that he dyed first > crashing headlong sideways into a air traffic control towel that wasn't > built yet. > > Oh an this time by your request I fix all the spelling mistakes. Not > like lost time. You are wright I was wrong. Spell check really helps. And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Your grandfather flew a Spiffy-Tyre into a row of Haricot Verts and } was krilled instantly. } The Underwater Frying Cor-Blimey refused to pay out any life-insurance } because they said he was a shell-fish bastard. } When it was pointed out that your grandfather flew into a trowel that } had been left there by another pirate, they accused him of digging his } own grave. } } The history of the Rifling Core starts in 1763, three years after it } was founded. Due to the shortage of planes, everyone sat on the ground } and made vroom-vroom noises for 140 years. } Then, in 1903, Wilma Right and Orville (the green duck who couldn't } fly) tried jumping off a baseball mound and failed to hit the ground } for 2 minutes. } } Shortly afterwards, World War II began, was quickly stopped for } rebranding, and relaunched as World War I. The Harming Hair Oops burnt } its bridges and took part in a game of "Last One In The Air is a Sore } Loser". } } After a short pause for re-arming, World War I was relaunched as World } War II (now with extra sugar), and the history of the Army Air Corps } is tied up with the Burly Air-Drop. } } You owe the Oracle a pair of your grandfather's flying bridges. --- 1575-02 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Ian Davis The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > The L stands for lettuce, the B for bacon, and the T for tomato; I get > that much. > > But what is the G? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Grades. } } Your grades in that course, "Sex and Sexuality in Modern Times" have } been especially poor since you discovered that the course wasn't at all } what you thought it would be. } } You owe the Oracle a syllabus for "Sex and Sexuality in Comic Sans." --- 1575-03 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Mark Lawrence The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > How do you access the NES Golf game on the Nintendo Switch? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } I use a 5-iron. It is amazing the amount of satisfaction one can gain } from clobbering recalcitrant hardware with some sort of appropriate } hammer. --- 1575-04 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Dave The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Hello, I live in Dullest, Texas. > > I know you'll be thinking that either I mean DALLAS or that I live in > the Dulles Airport near DC. > > No. I live out where there is NOTHING but Texas. Flat Texas. Flat, > boring Texas. > > Please give me a list of ten ways to make Texas less boring. Don't > include floods or hurricanes. Or paint. Paint fades real fast here in > the bright Texas sun. And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } 1) Rechamber all your guns to .22 caliber. This will make their bore } smaller. } } 2) Stop boring for oil. } } 3) Remove all repetitive excercises from the school curriculum. There } are called drills for a reason. } } 4) Especially in boreding schoools. } } 5) Expel anybody who ever bore the brunt of anything. } } 6) To Borneo, preferably. } } 7) Invest in treatment programs for the Bohring-Opitz syndrome. } } 8) Keep an all-year open season for boars. } } 9) Promote boron-free glass and insecticides. } } 10) Ask more interesting questions. --- 1575-05 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Ian Davis The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Should I insure my car for Actual Crash Value or for Total Disability > if I plan to have a accident? I have paid so munch for insurance in the > passed and I need to get something back. Like if it's a $3500 car and I > insure for $35,000 I could come out ahead finally. > > I was thinking like maybe I jump out before it rolls off the edge at > Big Sur. Or Lesser Sur. Or Not Sur At All. So insur where and how much? > And how fast? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Whooah, slow down. You can't just over-insure your car and then } "accidentally" wreck it. Insurance companies know all about that kind } of trick and they will catch you. } } Other things you shouldn't try to get insurance: } } - Claiming to be a world-class pianist, insuring your hands, and then } trying to juggle chain-saws in a thunderstorm. This scheme breaks down } when the insurance company discovers you could only play "Chopsticks" } before the accident. } } - Claiming to be a model, insuring your face, and then making } sandpaper a part of your skin-care regime. This scheme breaks down } when "before" photos are discovered. } } - Claiming to be a brilliant actor, insuring your body, and then } playing with cobras and claiming that snake venom has prevented your } face from showing any expression. This scheme breaks down when any of } Keanu Reeves' movies are shown. } } What will work, however, is if you start a career as an avant-garde } artist, exhibiting rubbish and labelling it as art: } - Waste-paper baskets filled with old movie scripts (Title: Rejection) } - Waste-paper baskets filled with bills and final demands for payment } (Title: The overthrow of capitalism) } - Crushed waste-paper baskets in a skip (Title: Irony) } } Then, fill your car with rubbish, drive it to a war-zone and leave it } there for a bit. } } If it gets completely blown up, claim on the insurance for all the } "art-work" in it. } If it only gets partly destroyed, exhibit the car as "Man's inhumanity } to defenceless machines: an injustice that will be avenged" (This will } also help protect you in the coming robot uprising.) } If you get injured while in the war-zone, claim insurance as a } world-renowned artist who now cannot work. } If you actually get killed, arrange for your corpse to be exhibited } entitled "Man's stupidity: why the robot uprising will be a mercy". } (This will also help protect your family in the coming robot } uprising.) } } You owe the Oracle a share in the insurance pay-out. If all else } fails, I'll exhibit this answer as "Exploiting man's stupidity: The } first salvo in the robot uprising." --- 1575-06 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Ian Davis The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Please tell me about the painful General Grapeshot, who invented the > idea of filing a cannon with prunes and other fruit after he had run > out of gnupowder. My Uncle, Bunyan Maxwellenuff, says it's a > little-known chapter of History that deserves appropriate treatment. > > And why just a treatment, not a cure? > > Or a replacement uncle? Wanna job? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Ah, high-velocity prunes, the most effective laxative known to man. } Anyone in the line of fire definitely got their just desserts, and it } was no trifling matter. An army may march on its stomach, but all the } officers I know would have their stomachs best used as trampolines to } enable the artillery to see further. } } Other militarised desserts from the same period include: } } Roo-barb pies: Australian specific, it involved giving kangaroos } spiked trainers and sending them over to bounce on the enemy. } } The Creme Brawl-A: The enemy was showered with milk, eggs, and cream } before being lightly singed with a flame-thrower. } } The Peach Melee: The enemy was bombarded with peaches before being set } upon by the Phantom Raspberry Blower of Old London Town (aka Spike } Milligan). } } Spotted Dick: No, not a weaponised venereal disease, but a distraction } technique. All the soldiers would shout, "I've seen Richard". The } enemy, startled, would turn around to look behind them, and would then } be attacked. } } Terror-misu: A combination of coffee to keep the soldiers awake at } night, a spraying of the enemy by eggs and sugar, followed by a } surprise whipping in the early hours. If you're wondering where the } mascarpone comes in, it's because the ponies were camouflaged. } } Many of these desserts were later used to subdue public schoolboys in } England. My stomach still suffers from the military grade rice pudding } I was fed from age 11 to 18. } } You owe the Oracle some more complete cobblers. --- 1575-07 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Dave The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Bad Request > The server found your request confusing and isn't sure how to proceed. And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Instructions to server: } 1. Breathe on customer: "Yawanna mash?" } 2. Regardless of answer, scoop mashed potatoes onto plate and put } pseudo-gravy on top, sort of. } 3. Breathe again, spitting: "Heresya meatloaf." } 4. Place meatloaf on top of mashed potatoes. Add more pseudo-gravy with } extra grease. } 5. Hand plate to customer, spilling gravy onto his shirt sleeve. } } Every server should understand these methods without instruction. } } You owe the Oracle a Horn and Hardart. --- 1575-08 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Ian Davis The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > The weather report says the wind is from the north at zero miles per > hour. I want them to tell me it is from the east at zero instead, > because the angular origin in polar coordinates is properly specified > as the lower edge of the upper right-hand quadrant. > > You are certainly more skilled at mathematics than I am, owing to your > supremely intellectual omniscience. Please tell me how to rotate the > headquarters of the meteorological office by -90 degrees. And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Take that apple tart out of the fridge, eat 50% of it, then make all } your colleagues walk round it. } } Congratulations; you've moved the Met Office round pie by two. } } You owe the Oracle an explanation of how to get an orange tan by } committing a venial sin over a cos lettuce. --- 1575-09 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Mark Lawrence The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > As you have previously told me, the Dutch painter Jan Vermeer was > interested in obscure things and may have used a camera obscura to > photograph them. I am seeking his lost and obscure painting > "Tyrannosourus Wrecks His Own Marriage" which is hypothesized on the > basis of evidence I obtained through your majestic and totally > inarticulate sleight-of-hand. Thank you for getting me into the frame > of mind to appreciate such things. Sometimes I feel that I owe my > entire existence to your unavoidable and insoluble advice. > > Where is the painting? What have you done with it? I want it now! And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } You figured it out then? To fill you in on some of the details which } may not be immediately apparent to you: } } Jan Vermeer (Vermie to his friends) was lying drunk in a gutter one } evening, when he found he was lying next to Edward "I find I have to } drink to" Cope, the famous dinosaur expert and part-time toast-rack. } Eddie told him about some spinal fragments he'd recently found which } had belonged to a Tyrannosaurus Rex. } } Curious what had led to to a Rex's loss of backbone, Vermie spoke to } the man lying in the gutter to his left, who turned out to be H.G. } "Mercury" Wells, named for his insistence on drinking liquid metals. } Wells had been working on a real-life time machine (and you thought } his famous book was just a satire). } } When the early morning road-sweepers scooped them out of the gutter, } all three decided to go back in time to discover what had happened. } Eddie put the Rex DNA into Mercury's time-machine, Vermie packed his } paintbrushes, and they set off. When they reached the year 70 million } BC (Before Capitalism) they found a startling scene. } } Mr Rex had returned from a hard day at the swamp to find Mrs Rex had } managed to overcook the freshly killed Stegosaurus (for those of you } keeping up at home, this clearly proves that dinosaurs also had } time-travel technology) that he had ordered in specially from the } Triceratops butchers. Mr Rex lost his temper while Mrs Rex cowered } behind the fern-patterned sofa her Aunt Mildred had bought them. After } Mr Rex hit his head on the coal-scuttle and knocked himself } unconscious, Mrs Rex kicked him out of the nest. } } Meanwhile, Vermie had painted the picture you mentioned. } Unfortunately, when they all returned to the year 1902, his wife threw } him out of the house for not coming home the night before, and Vermie } spent the night on Mercury's sofa, wrapped only in his new painting. } When morning came, he threw out the painting, only for it to be } recovered by Ernst Ludwig Kirchner and used as inspiration for his } most famous work, "Semi-Nude Woman With Hat". } } The painting itself was painted over in 1931 by Salvador Dali when } creating his work, "The Persistence of Memory". } } So, all you need to do to get the painting is to go to The Museum of } Modern Art in New York, throw paint-remover at the melted clock } painting, and wait. } } You owe the Oracle a defence lawyer who can come up with a more } believable reason why you ruined one of the world's most recognisable } paintings. --- 1575-10 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Dave The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > This space for rent! And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Thank you. } } You owe the Oracle a $4000 occupancy deposit, plus a $3600 security } deposit, a $1214.88 cleaning fee, first month's rent, last month's } rent, and a finder's fee of $23,500. Electricity, water and rodent } removal will be available after all moneys are paid. Tenants are to } understand that the cockroaches have prior right of occupancy, and are } to remain undisturbed. } } Smells emanating from other parts of the building or from nearby fires } and restaurants are part of the normal landscape, and no action against } them will be considered. Objects dropped onto the leased property from } airplanes or trebuchets are considered windfall and may be claimed by } tenants, less a 10% disturbance fee. } } Various additional regulations, assessments, fees, repairs, } relocations, floods and other improvements will be applied as } necessary. } } Additionally, please do not stand on the left half of the bathroom } floor, especially when naked. The tenants below strongly object to } sudden visitors, and the Oracular Leasing Agency cannot be held } responsible for injuries caused by broken timbers, loose plaster, sharp } objects or firearms.