From oracle-admin@soic.indiana.edu Fri Jan 10 09:56:14 2014 Received: from newman.soic.indiana.edu (localhost [127.0.0.1]) by newman.soic.indiana.edu (8.13.8/8.13.8/IUCS_2.98) with ESMTP id s0AEuExw014793; Fri, 10 Jan 2014 09:56:14 -0500 Received: (from daemon@localhost) by newman.soic.indiana.edu (8.13.8/8.13.8/Submit) id s0AEuE0K014789; Fri, 10 Jan 2014 09:56:14 -0500 Date: Fri, 10 Jan 2014 09:56:14 -0500 From: oracle-request@cs.indiana.edu Message-Id: <201401101456.s0AEuE0K014789@newman.soic.indiana.edu> To: oracle-list@cs.indiana.edu Subject: Internet Oracularities #1525 Reply-To: oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu X-Face: )/f9dPAX/dU$1Z!U(/?A PiIJvIOtcN@L.>6,2OKd."T#S7b*{feRf.Kns23^P9.Ak{GdWWv]0*1E}RJ)_idU:(5VkN*_+bB kyrnLfC12B>V/q=z32:05`EcAd.!z#3k]h)O!ZU^E"f`@),(2WT X-Planation: X-Face can be used with www.cs.indiana.edu/ftp/faces === 1525 ================================================================= Title: Internet Oracularities #1525 Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler Date: Fri, 10 Jan 2014 09:56:02 -0500 (EST) To find out all about the Internet Oracle (TM), including how to participate, send mail to oracle@cs.indiana.edu with the word "help" in the subject line, or go to http://www.cs.indiana.edu/~oracle/ or http://www.internetoracle.org/ ("Internet Oracle" is a trademark of Stephen B Kinzler.) Let us know what you like! Send your ratings of these 10 Oracularities on an integer scale of 1 ("very bad") to 5 ("very good") with the volume number to oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu (probably just reply to this message). For example: 1525 2 1 3 4 3 5 3 3 4 1 1520 20 votes 03854 07652 32a32 026a2 13934 06932 23654 75332 14a41 32744 1520 3.1 mean 3.5 3.1 3.0 3.6 3.3 3.0 3.3 2.4 3.0 3.2 --- 1525-01 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Rich McGee The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Where DOES a bear shift, then. And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } In the gear box in the woods. --- 1525-02 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Tim Chew The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Me! Me!! ME!!! And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } To: Maine Tourism Board, } Re: Your request for an opinion on proposed new marketing tag line } } Uh, no. Just no. } } Sincerely, } } The Internet Oracle } } You owe the Oracle lobster. And melted butter. And a lemon. Ooh! And } some oysters! And some asparagus... --- 1525-03 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Christophe The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Honestly, some people can't take a joke. And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Yes, and other people take it, and then return it over and over: } } "So there's this minister and a priest and a rabbi, ... ummm, stop me } if you've heard this one..." } } "Harry, I TOLD you that joke, THREE YEARS AGO." } } "Well, so they walk into a bar, and the bartender says, ..." --- 1525-04 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Christophe The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Ha! I thought so. (Before, I only guessed.) Thanks. And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } You're welcome, but I suggest you looking } RIGHT BEHIND YOU. } Just in case. } You owe the Oracle a Clue board game. --- 1525-05 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Tim Chew The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > I owe tidings of comfort and joy, comfort and joy? > I owe tidings of comfort and joy? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } No. You owe the Oracle a case of cognac. Preferably Hennessy VVSOP. --- 1525-06 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Lawrence, Mark" The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > I just got a new computer (again). I need to test my email. Is there a > server somewhere that I can send something and get a response back? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } No, there is not. Your email is clearly not working. --- 1525-07 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Tim Chew The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > I get some really weird stuff sometimes. And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } YOU get weird stuff? Try being an Oracle. My stuff is } weirder and more copious and voluminous and } numerous and extensive and massive, not to mention } more bizarre and freakisher and curiouser and more } outlandish than your stuff. Let's not make this into a } contest, OK? You don't want to retreat with your tail } between your legs. } } Sorry. } } You owe the Oracle some ordinary stuff. --- 1525-08 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Rich McGee The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > What do you resolve for 2014? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } As always, my high-resolution Oracular Timepiece resolves to } femtoseconds. You (on the other hand) will be lucky to know the month } of the year. } } You owe the Oracle a month of Sundays. --- 1525-09 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Dave The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Alcohol, Tobacco, or Firearms? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } I'll take firearms. Then it should be pretty easy finding someone who } will give me the other two afterwards. --- 1525-10 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Tim Chew The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh Great and Spiffy Oracle, please answer my humble little question. > > With the current cold spell, most of the eastern US currently has > temperatures that are colder than the surface of Mars. > So, please tell me, what does Mars have? > > -Concerned And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Mars has enough booze to keep an Egyptian sun god happy. } } Contrary to popular belief, most of the planet Earth is currently } colder than the surface of Mars. This is because the Conference for } Unusual Entities is currently occurring there, and Ra was kind enough } to heat the otherwise deserted planet up a bit. } } As you can imagine, a sun god can't work in two places at once, so he } had to temporarily leave Earth's heating needs in the hands of the } Aztec sun god, Tonatiuh. } } Unfortunately for the eastern United States, Tonatiuh is currently } upset that he isn't receiving as many human sacrifices as the last time } he was doing the job, and is refusing to heat the eastern portion of } the northern American continent as a result. } } Though he is fully aware of the situation, Ra fully intends to enjoy } his month-long vacation. Negotiations between the Conference for } Unusual Entities and Tonatiuh seem favorable for Earth. } } You owe the Oracle a hand-knit sweater and a tub of Red Vines.