From oracle-admin@cs.indiana.edu Sun Apr 7 12:19:12 2013 Received: from newman.cs.indiana.edu (localhost [127.0.0.1]) by newman.cs.indiana.edu (8.13.8/8.13.8/IUCS_2.97) with ESMTP id r37GJCYu018529; Sun, 7 Apr 2013 12:19:12 -0400 Received: (from daemon@localhost) by newman.cs.indiana.edu (8.13.8/8.13.8/Submit) id r37GJCOv018526; Sun, 7 Apr 2013 12:19:12 -0400 Date: Sun, 7 Apr 2013 12:19:12 -0400 From: Internet Oracle Message-Id: <201304071619.r37GJCOv018526@newman.cs.indiana.edu> To: oracle-list@cs.indiana.edu Subject: Internet Oracularities #1515 Reply-To: oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu X-Face: )/f9dPAX/dU$1Z!U(/?A PiIJvIOtcN@L.>6,2OKd."T#S7b*{feRf.Kns23^P9.Ak{GdWWv]0*1E}RJ)_idU:(5VkN*_+bB kyrnLfC12B>V/q=z32:05`EcAd.!z#3k]h)O!ZU^E"f`@),(2WT X-Planation: X-Face can be used with www.cs.indiana.edu/ftp/faces === 1515 ================================================================= Title: Internet Oracularities #1515 Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler Date: Sun, 07 Apr 2013 12:19:00 -0500 (EST) To find out all about the Internet Oracle (TM), including how to participate, send mail to oracle@cs.indiana.edu with the word "help" in the subject line, or go to http://www.cs.indiana.edu/~oracle/ or http://www.internetoracle.org/ ("Internet Oracle" is a trademark of Stephen B Kinzler.) Let us know what you like! Send your ratings of these 10 Oracularities on an integer scale of 1 ("very bad") to 5 ("very good") with the volume number to oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu (probably just reply to this message). For example: 1515 2 1 3 4 3 5 3 3 4 1 1510 24 votes 15774 3b550 56724 13587 17655 1193a 1328a 23685 27852 48741 1510 3.2 mean 3.3 2.5 2.8 3.7 3.2 3.8 4.0 3.5 2.9 2.6 --- 1515-01 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Lawrence, Mark" The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Unless I'm mistaken, I read something about "subtile humor"; what is > it? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } "Subtile humor" is found in men's restrooms of engineering buildings } at some universities and a few other venues, and is the graffiti of } the Grout Cult. A graffito in this genre is classically scrawled in } small print in the grout line between two wall tiles. Examples } include: } } Down and grout } Grout of luck } Tell me a-grout it } Grout Expectations } Grout day in the sunshine } } Variations on this theme can also be seen: } } Grout uber alles (scribbled on the tile below the grout line) } Grout unter alles (same idea, though above the grout line) } } The Patron Saint of the Grout Cult is Sharpius; the Principal Opposer } is Janitorio. } } This is not to be confused with "subtile humour," which would be to } read this response aloud with a British accent in the style of a } documentary. } } You owe the Oracle one complete reading of the dictionary. --- 1515-02 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Christophe The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > There were these two farmers, Jake and Olle. Jake says to Olle, "So > how are you at math? I need to know something about how to calculate > for my farm." > > Olle replies, "well, I might know a bit. What's the problem?" > > "It's solar insolation. I was thinking I needed to understand the flux > density so I could put up some electric panels. I got all confused > when the fellow at the farm store said I could get 24 square kilowatts > from the panel he was selling." > > "Well, Jake, he's an idiot. There is no such thing as square > kilowatts. I'll bet he thinks that we farmers are ignorant. Iowa > State's got more than just corn. My thesis was the net energy output > of Barnard's Star, but I was really majoring in geophysics, not > astronomy." > > "Oh, I know square kilowatts is wrong. What I was hoping was that we > could sell him a computer program that would compute them for him. > It'd be a simple matter of programming, an SMP. But you don't have > continuity of functions on a computer, because the mathematics is > really all those scaled integers they call floating point." > > "Ah yes, Jake, Floating Point. My girl Hulda and I used to go out > there and swim naked at night, just like our grandparents did back in > Sweden. 'Olle,' she would say, 'Olle, when are we gonna get married?' > Well, I told her there was an Oracle who would answer that question. > She screamed, and jumped in and swam, still naked, to Integer Isle. I > never saw her again." > > "Olle, let's get back to the topic at hand. How can we make the > program look like it's working, even when it's just a fake?" > > So Orrie, I have TWO questions for you here. > > 1. What sort of program should Olle and Jake write? How best to fool > the foolish salesbeast into buying it? > > 2. Whatever happened to Hulda? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } 1. Forget about fooling the salesman, who knows very well that } kilowatts are cubic, not square. } } 2. I think Lena got mad enough when she found out about Hulda, } that Hulda knew what was good for her and never swam back. The } brothel she managed on that island for many years finally went } bankrupt due to the low quality of broth they produced. } } You owe the Oracle a design for a complete solar system panel. --- 1515-03 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Christophe The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Is it true that all work and no play makes Jack a dull boy? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Yes, non grovelling supplicant (ahem), it is true. And to save time } regarding any follow-ups, these are true as well: } } All Twinkies and no exercise makes Jack a fat boy. } All Call Of Duty and no books make Jack an unrounded boy. } All play and no work make Jack a gadabout. } All bone and no flesh make Jack a skeleton. } All right angles and no unequal sides make Jack a square. } All X chromosomes and no Y make Jack a girl. } All skirts and no pants makes Jack a transvestite. } All protoplasm and no cell membranes make Jack a disgusting puddle of } goo. } All polyester and no cotton make Jack a fashion victim. } All guns and no abortions make Jack a southern American. } All Jack and all not Jack makes Jack part of the superset. } All opinion and no facts makes Jack ripe for ridicule. } All lefts and no rights make it take a really long time for Jack to } drive home. } All his dad's Playboy collection and no one else at home makes Jack } lock himself if the bathroom for a while. } All toasters and no pythagorean theorems make Jack wonder what the fuck } is going on. } All filibuster and no feasible ideas makes Jack a GOP Congressman. } All meat and no vegetables make Jack irregular. } All self esteem and no humility makes Jack a dick. } } You owe the Oracle a set of lawn darts. No, not the "safe" round end } kind. I mean real ones that stick in the ground. Its fun to watch } Zadoc dodge when we play. --- 1515-04 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Tim Chew The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > That was scary! Remind me never to do it again. And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Don't not never not do it again. --- 1515-05 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Tim Chew The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh Oracle most wise, > > I was once in a spelling bee, but I lost. Was it > because the other contastents cheeted? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Yes. They stole all the good spellings from you. You were left with } mispellings, sware words, typo's and incorect plural's, all of which } you unfrotunately used. --- 1515-06 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Tim Chew The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > If a person suffered from amnesia and then was cured would they > remember that they forgot? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Say that again? --- 1515-07 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Tim Chew The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > "Lawmakers want to 'unlock' your cellphones"? I didn't know it was > locked. And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Ah, well, you see, um--- } } HEY LOOK OVER THERE SOME GUY IS THREATENING TO STEAL OUR GUNS } } *runs away with bags of money* --- 1515-08 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Tim Chew The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > I hope you know, this means WAR! > > At least, I think it does. Can I have some help with my dictionary and > thesaurus? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } No, it does not. } } Here is the definition, provided courtesy of Merriam-Webster: } } this, pronoun: (1) : the person, thing, or idea that is present or near } in place, time, or thought or that has just been mentioned (2) : what is stated in the following phrase, clause, or } discourse } } If you observe carefully, you will see that "war" is not part of the } definition. So in answer to your statement, this does not mean war. --- 1515-09 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Tim Chew The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > How did I screw up? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Lying on your back. --- 1515-10 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Tim Chew The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Um, start again from the beginning? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Returning all the horses to the starting gate is difficult, but } possible, except for Spazzatronium, who died in a crumpled heap about } 200 yards into the race. We can haul him back there if you would like, } but reinflating him will cause a dreadful mess. Are you sure you want } to try?