From oracle-admin@cs.indiana.edu Tue Oct 9 08:30:11 2012 Received: from newman.cs.indiana.edu (localhost [127.0.0.1]) by newman.cs.indiana.edu (8.13.8/8.13.8/IUCS_2.97) with ESMTP id q99CUBq8002682; Tue, 9 Oct 2012 08:30:11 -0400 Received: (from daemon@localhost) by newman.cs.indiana.edu (8.13.8/8.13.8/Submit) id q99CUB0g002679; Tue, 9 Oct 2012 08:30:11 -0400 Date: Tue, 9 Oct 2012 08:30:11 -0400 From: Internet Oracle Message-Id: <201210091230.q99CUB0g002679@newman.cs.indiana.edu> To: oracle-list@cs.indiana.edu Subject: Internet Oracularities #1505 Reply-To: oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu X-Face: )/f9dPAX/dU$1Z!U(/?A PiIJvIOtcN@L.>6,2OKd."T#S7b*{feRf.Kns23^P9.Ak{GdWWv]0*1E}RJ)_idU:(5VkN*_+bB kyrnLfC12B>V/q=z32:05`EcAd.!z#3k]h)O!ZU^E"f`@),(2WT X-Planation: X-Face can be used with www.cs.indiana.edu/ftp/faces === 1505 ================================================================= Title: Internet Oracularities #1505 Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler Date: Tue, 09 Oct 2012 08:30:00 -0500 (EST) To find out all about the Internet Oracle (TM), including how to participate, send mail to oracle@cs.indiana.edu with the word "help" in the subject line, or go to http://www.cs.indiana.edu/~oracle/ or http://www.internetoracle.org/ ("Internet Oracle" is a trademark of Stephen B Kinzler.) Let us know what you like! Send your ratings of these 10 Oracularities on an integer scale of 1 ("very bad") to 5 ("very good") with the volume number to oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu (probably just reply to this message). For example: 1505 2 1 3 4 3 5 3 3 4 1 1500 23 votes 1064c 13874 17744 044b4 26555 45671 1ab10 48740 18833 36833 1500 3.1 mean 4.1 3.4 3.1 3.7 3.2 2.8 2.5 2.5 3.0 2.9 --- 1505-01 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: twchew@mindspring.com The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Is romance all it's cracked up to be? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Yes it is. On the other hand, crack's not romantic at all. --- 1505-02 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: twchew@mindspring.com The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > All right, I'm confused. And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Well, I can understand why! Coming up the front steps, you trod upon } the Secret Step of Serendipity which is, of course, booby-trapped. } The explosion hurled you up onto the Mezzanine of Mediocrity, which is } when the unemployed politicians jumped you. As the Temple Guards } tried to intervene, somebody opened the cage of the Lustrous Lion. It } turned up its nose at the ex-politicians and attacked the Guards } instead, preventing them from helping you. In the meantime, your } captors were hustling your slightly burned body into the Den of } Donations, where they stole your wallet. Dazed and confused, you } wandered out of there into the Hallway of Hysteria, where you } apparently had some kind of fit. A passing maid found you and dragged } you into the Foyer of Fantastic Beasts. Normally, that would have } been a fine place for you to recover, but unfortunately, the smoke } rising from your smoldering clothing confused the Phoenix, which } spontaneously combusted, thereby setting fire to the Portcullis of } Prosperity. When the ropes burned through, the portcullis crashed to } the ground, spilling the day's donations across the floor and } startling the Unicorn of Ubiquity, which started running around so } fast it appeared to be everywhere at once. At some point, it scooped } you up with its horn and hurled you through the doorway into the } Atrium of Audience, where I happened to be, listening to supplicants. } I quickly revived you with my patented facial cream, not available in } any store, but available to you right now for the low, low price of } only $49.99 per tube. But wait, there's more! If you order right } now, I'll also throw in a Ronco Turnip Twaddler for free! That's } right, free! } } You don't owe the Oracle anything. Just lie back, and repeat this } soothing mantra: "I will not sue. I will become the Oracle's } downline. I will not sue. I will become the Oracle's downline....." --- 1505-03 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Christophe The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > What proof is there that Mark did such things? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } We have the word of Matthew, Luke and John. } } Also check the works of Sam Clemens. --- 1505-04 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Ian Davis The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Hey! } Who put my 'Good supplicant' list on Wikileaks? --- 1505-05 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Ian Davis The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Uh, how do I get past security? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Go to future security and wait. --- 1505-06 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Dave The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > I planed to go home after breakfast but now my teeth are stuck in my > nose. Is this the Great Inca Curse, or am I just praying to the wrong > gods and oracles? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } The problem isn't who you're praying to, it's that you're merely } praying. Ask not what your gods and oracles can do for you, ask what } you can do for your gods and oracles. } } For example, I foresee that as long as the Oracle doesn't have a new } Kindle Fire HD 8.9" 4G LTE, you will continue to have michina dentata. } } You owe the Oracle a new Kindle Fire HD 8.9" 4G LTE. (32 GB is fine, } but the 64 GB model means six more weeks without athlete's foot.) --- 1505-07 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Lawrence, Mark" The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > What on earth possessed Jake to cheat on his girlfriend? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } In a word, . Jake really enjoyed the on his } girlfriend, but the that had, and the way she } offered to his make Jake , especially } since Jake hadn't in , and hadn't at } all since he and his girlfriend started . If only } had Jake's , then perhaps Jake would have been } true. But since and , the } only leaves one for to . And that } infallible truth is: . } } This message has been approved by the Tea Party. --- 1505-08 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Christophe The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > You're familiar with WWJD, but what if someone had a sign that said, > "What Would Dan Rather Do?" Is that talking about Dan Rather, or just > "Dan"'s preferences? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } "Dan," rather than Dan Rather would think that "What Would Dan Rather } Do?" means, rather than "What Would *Dan Rather* Do," "What Would 'Dan' } Rather Do?" referring to "Dan," rather than Dan Rather. Dan Rather } thinks that, rather than "Dan," "What Would Dan Rather Do?" means "What } Would *Dan Rather* Do," rather than "What Would 'Dan' Rather Do?". Dan } Rather, rather than "Dan," is correct. --- 1505-09 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Christophe The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > You're so vain, you probably think this question is directed to you? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Did you know that over 75% of supplicants take generalizations } personally? --- 1505-10 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Ian Davis The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > O.O > v And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } WELL, THE WATER WAS COLD!