From oracle-admin@cs.indiana.edu Mon Feb 20 08:47:36 2012 Received: from newman.cs.indiana.edu (localhost [127.0.0.1]) by newman.cs.indiana.edu (8.13.8/8.13.8/IUCS_2.97) with ESMTP id q1KDlaYO031143; Mon, 20 Feb 2012 08:47:36 -0500 Received: (from daemon@localhost) by newman.cs.indiana.edu (8.13.8/8.13.8/Submit) id q1KDladp031139; Mon, 20 Feb 2012 08:47:36 -0500 Date: Mon, 20 Feb 2012 08:47:36 -0500 From: Internet Oracle Message-Id: <201202201347.q1KDladp031139@newman.cs.indiana.edu> To: oracle-list@cs.indiana.edu Subject: Internet Oracularities #1493 Reply-To: oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu X-Face: )/f9dPAX/dU$1Z!U(/?A PiIJvIOtcN@L.>6,2OKd."T#S7b*{feRf.Kns23^P9.Ak{GdWWv]0*1E}RJ)_idU:(5VkN*_+bB kyrnLfC12B>V/q=z32:05`EcAd.!z#3k]h)O!ZU^E"f`@),(2WT X-Planation: X-Face can be used with www.cs.indiana.edu/ftp/faces === 1493 ================================================================= Title: Internet Oracularities #1493 Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler Date: Mon, 20 Feb 2012 08:47:25 -0500 (EST) To find out all about the Internet Oracle (TM), including how to participate, send mail to oracle@cs.indiana.edu with the word "help" in the subject line, or go to http://www.cs.indiana.edu/~oracle/ or http://www.internetoracle.org/ ("Internet Oracle" is a trademark of Stephen B Kinzler.) Let us know what you like! Send your ratings of these 10 Oracularities on an integer scale of 1 ("very bad") to 5 ("very good") with the volume number to oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu (probably just reply to this message). For example: 1493 2 1 3 4 3 5 3 3 4 1 1488 21 votes 13656 04692 14466 145a1 25725 04a43 17553 04881 57441 1a910 1488 3.2 mean 3.6 3.4 3.6 3.3 3.1 3.3 3.1 3.3 2.5 2.5 --- 1493-01 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Christophe The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Where do you get all the supplicants with crazy, stupid names? Or is > it one supplicant with all those names? I'm referring to this list > I've assembled from my work for you over the years, as I toil in your > carnation wearhouse: > > Harmswaggle W. Foggmorton > Earnest "Lightpole" Flycatcher > Leegle Summons, JD > Natasha X. Williamsonburg > Alfonso Curioso > Zelda Pruneswallow > Xerxes X. Xanthippe > Javier Xavier > Todomundo Youtophia > > Those are just a few of them. Granted, you get requests from people > everywhere, dozens or thousands every day, but the ones yclept Jane > Smith or Harvey Jones never see fit to reveal their names. On the > other hand, idiots who have been blessed or baptized with silly, > dactylic or sesquipedalian nomenclature can hardly wait to destroy > their anonymity. "Harmswaggle W. Foggmorton" indeed! I wonder what his > (or her) name really was? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Higgledy piggledy, } Yes, they are pseudonyms. } Their true identities? } Who needs to know? } } Who cares to read about } Garden-variety } Names such as Johnny and } Mary and Joe? } } Plus, they have reasons to } Maintain their privacy. } Outcasts and misfits by } Word and by deed, } } Overpromiscuous } (Some), they need secrecy. } As a ferinstance, well, } Here's one to read: } } Harmswaggle Foggmorton } Wrote to the Oracle: } "Whores do not satisfy, } Answer me, quick!" ** redacted } } Thus spake the Oracle: } "Suffer not, supplicant, } Autofellatio } Will do the 'trick'." } } There, you can see that the } Oracle answers the } Questions Dear Abby won't } Touch with a pole } } (Ten foot or otherwise). } Now that I've answered this, } You owe the Oracle } Praise for his role. --- 1493-02 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Christophe The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Charles DeGaulle said that in order to become the > master, the politician poses as the servant. If > one truly wishes to serve the public, then must > one pose as master? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Mais oui! } } Think of the waiter in your local French restaurant, or <> as the sign out in front says. (There's a stringy little } comma hanging from the "c" but ignore it, because it's only purpose is } to intimidate you.) } } The French waiter is there to serve you. To serve you a French dinner. } He lives for the chance to serve mankind. But how does he do this? } } He looks down his French nose, honks some words in French, and waits } impatiently for you to reply. Clearly his masterly pose is intended to } intimidate you into ordering something adventuresome, something that, } were it translated, you would never allow it to think of touching your } lips. Frogs' eyeballs stuffed with snail eggs or something like that. } This is his mission, to get you to try the specialite du maison, } without a soupcon of suspicion of what it is. (The soupcon also has one } of those stringy commas on the c, for no apparent reason.) } } You ask for a bowl of the soupcon. The waiter sneers disapprovingly. } } You point to the item on the bottom of the menu. At least it does not } have an outrageous price listed beside it. The waiter disappears, and } shows up again with another man two minutes later. You discover that } you have just ordered the chef. The waiter relaxes, basking in his } accomplishment. He knows that in about 30 more seconds you will order } the frogs' eyeballs stuffed with snail eggs. It will cost you $175 to } get out of the restaurant, and you will recommend it to your friends. --- 1493-03 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Klone (aka Daniel V. Klein) " The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Why can't I see any symbols in the shared library with nm? (this is on > AIX). Thanks. And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Well, first of all, you should already have finished reading this } excellent synopsis of the details of shared objects: } } http://www.ibm.com/developerworks/library/l-shobj/ } } Additionally, you should be using the 'file' command to ascertain that } your object is what you think it is. For example, if you say } } file `which nm` } } you will find that nm's binary is stripped. } } There is a good chance that } } nm -D `which nm` } } will give you exactly what you are seeking. } } You owe the Oracle some nice Ziljian cymbals, or (failing that) Avedis } Ziljian's formula for making base metals into gold. NOT the opposite, } please! The Oracle has mistakenly turned too much gold into lead. How } do you think he got stuck in this question business, anyway? --- 1493-04 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Lawrence, Mark" The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Is the cake a lie? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } The Hardly Boys } in } The Pusillanimous Portal } } Chapter 1 } } Joe Hardly stared at his darker-haired older brother. "What } does pusillanimous even mean, Frank? It sounds dirty." } } "Got me," Frank Hardly said to his younger, lighter-haired } brother, "they just come up with the title and we go with } it. Anyway, I have a hunch that Dad has been kidnapped by } spies." } } "Why would he be kidnapped?" asked the blond younger brother } Joe Hardly. "Maybe he's just out on a case. Or maybe he went } to the bank - I saw him making goo-goo eyes at that new female } secretary the other day - imagine that, women working in } banks nowadays. Besides, he's only been gone for ten minutes." } } "I told you. It's a HUNCH. Let's go," exclaimed the older } yet much browner-haired Frank Hardly. } } The two boys, both hirsute but the younger with much lighter- } hued tresses than the elder, ran outside to their motorcycles, } which they had bought with the 'reward' money earned in their } previous adventure, "The Case Of The Suspiciously Friendly Old } Man Down At The End Of High Street At The Other End From Where } They Live." } } Their speedometers crept to twenty-five, as they raced madly } across town. When they reached Barmet Bay, they stopped. } "Where are we headed, anyway?" blond Joe Hardly asked. } } "I don't know," brown-haired Frank Hardly said sheepishly. } } "Let's try the old Aperture Science building, back in Bayport } on Shore Road. I happened to see Dad left the phone book open } to the 'S' page - maybe he was giving us a clue that the } kidnappers took him there." } } "Or maybe he had just recently phoned that guy at the Comic } Relief Defective Agency, Oscar Smuff." } } "Look, I can have hunches too, can't I?" said light-haired } Joe. } } "Fine, fine, have it your own way. Let the baby have his } bottle, wah wah. Let's go. And, can we drop all the } references to our hair for a while?" said the non-descript } Frank Hardly. } } "Suits me fine and dandy," said the equally non-descript, yet } not totally similar looking, Joe Hardly. } } "Smuff," Frank laughed cruelly. "Is that even a real name? } It sounds dirty. Pusillanimous, even." } } Chapter 2 } } Frank and Joe Hardly hopped off their motorcycles when they } reached Shore Road. "Look, we'd better get into the plot. } This was supposed to be about that Portal Xbox game," stated } Frank Hardly. } } Chapter 3 } } The. } } Chapter 4 } } "Do you suppose this old Aperture Science factory is haunted, } like in a 1930's movie?" his brother Joe asked nervously. } } "Creepy old houses are haunted; factories are where the bad } guys hang out, especially abandoned factories. Get your memes } straight," chided Frank. "Oh, and we're only in the *1920s*. } And finally, you don't start a chapter without an antecedent, } for instance if you say 'his brother'." } } "Right, right," said Joe meekly. } } They tried the door handle and it opened with a creak. They } walked in, and after they took two steps, the door banged } shut behind them. They tried the handle in the pitch dark, } and to their horror it was locked from outside now. Clearly } OSHA needed to come take a look at matters. } } A bone-chilling shriek chilled the boys nearly to the bone. } } "Sorry, I thought this was a Nancy Drool story for a moment," } Joe apologized. "I panicked." } } "The writers are the same broads, for all the series," Frank } observed wryly, forgetting he was still in scene. "Franklin } W. Bulwer, and Carolyn Lytton, my foot. Too bad the publisher } doesn't give more than 24 hours to crank these stories out. } Practically an Internet Oracularity, these things." } } Frank fumbled for a moment in the dark, then snapped on his } portable electric headlamp. } } "*ALL* headlamps are portable, doofus," Joe corrected. } "Besides, why the h-e-double-toothpicks do you just happen } to have one with you?" } } "It's part of the Defectives' Code, which Dad made us swear } to, remember? 'Always bring a headlamp when entering a } haunted factory.'" } } "Hah. You said haunted, Shinola head. It's abandoned." } } "Fudge you.... hey look, we're trapped. No way out of this } empty room." } } "Then I guess that's why I brought this handheld portal device, } which Dad gave to us last week but didn't explain why." } } "Portable portals? Say that fast, five times," Frank kidded. } } "That. That. That. That. That. Gimme ten bucks," Joe } responded. Frank grudgingly handed over their standard bet. } } Joe aimed the device, which was handheld and was used to create } portals, and pushed the button. } } Immediately a blue portal, created by the handheld device that } Joe held in his hand, opened up in the far wall. Or maybe it } was orange. Through it, the boys could see various devices, } and in the distance could be seen the outline of a large cube. } } "Looks safe enough," Joe said, and jumped through. } } "What do you see?" Frank called through the blue portal, or } perhaps it was orange. } } "Mostly devices," Joe replied through his side of the orange } portal, or maybe blue, "not many of them handheld. I'd guess } they're plot devices. And some cubes." } } Frank jumped through, joining his blond brother. The portal } disappeared behind him as he arrived. "How did it know to } wait until I used it too, before it closed?" } } "I had the setting on '2'," Joe said. "And I thought we } weren't going to mention the hair thing anymore." } } "My bad. Hey, what's that over there?" } } The boys were interrupted by a disembodied voice, which was } reasonable since there weren't any other bodies nearby except } their own. } } "Unbelievable. You, Frank and Joe Hardly, must be the pride } of Bayport. ... Ah, I see we fixed that bug where the names } and the home town weren't being properly rendered. Sweet. } This was a triumph. I'm making a note here: HUGE SUCCESS. } It's hard to overstate my satisfaction." } } "Set that to music and I'll dance to it," Joe commented. } } "Pride of Bayport? And how. Chief Collig and Biff Hooper } think we're pretty swell," Frank said. In a stage-whisper } aside to his brother, he snickered "Biff? Really?!? That's } his first name? Lucky he's not Oscar Smuff's kid." } } "And Iola Morton," Joe chimed in, "she thinks I'm the bee's } knees too. I'm about to get to second base with that one, } and soon, and maybe after that I'll prove to her that I'm a } natural blond, and show her my *own* 'Pride of Bayport', if } I do say so myself." } } "You leave Iola out of this," the digitally enhanced voice } threatened, although being disembodied it didn't really have } a way to shake a fist or anything. } } "I think that disembodied yet digitally enhanced voice sounds } strangely familiar," Frank said thoughtfully. } } "I think so too, I think," Joe said after a moment's thought. } } Suddenly Frank was toppled by a heavy yet fat person dropping } down on him, probably from the ceiling or a rafter, no wait, } one of those cat walks that haunted factories always have. } } "Abandoned," Joe reminded, "not haunted." } } Definitely from above, in any case. } } "Jeepers, Chet!" Frank wheezed, "it can't be anybody but you. } Get off of me. I can't breathe. You must weigh a ton." } } "I'm only 130 pounds," Chet Morton, the fat butt of their } gang's good-natured jokes and ribbings and criminal } harassment, said in a hurt tone of voice. } } "Yeah, 130. In base 16," Joe said. "I'M FINE!" he added } irrelevantly. } } "Shoot him," Frank said, "use that handheld device you've } been holding in your hand." } } Joe aimed the handheld portal device squarely at the round } figure on top of his brother. "It's not working!" he } exclaimed. } } "Safety is one of many Enrichment Center goals. You can't } hurt me with it," Chet Morton gloated. } } "Or maybe it's because you're aiming squarely and he's round," } said Frank. "Never mind. Throw one of those giants cubes at } him." } } Joe did so, but the object passed through Chet Morton as } though not even real. "It's not even real," the guy they } called Stringbean and Einstein behind his back and sometimes } to his face said gloatingly. } } Joe looked around desperately. In desperation, he noticed } a three-layer chocolate cake on a serving plate. With no } other options, he hurled the cake desperately at their } ex-chum. } } The desperate heave struck the medically obese ex-chum } directly in the face, knocking him off of Frank. The } selfish tub of lard then greedily began eating the pieces } of cake that lay about him. } } "That really was a cake," he gloated. "No lie." } } "I was afraid it might be just a trendy rock band from } Sacramento," said Joe. } } "Stop gloating," Frank said, "we've beaten you, Chet." } } "I'm not Chet. I'm CHeT," said Chet, no longer gloating. } } "That's what Frank said," Joe said. } } "Do you always have to interrupt?" Frank complained. "I } can speak for myself. It's not like it's super tedious if } I get to speak twice in a row, once in a blue moon. But } yeah, you're name is Chet, that's what I said." } } "That's what *I* said," Joe grumbled sotto voce. } } "No. CHeT stands for Continuous Heterodyne Test, or some } technical sounding name, they never quite told me. I'm } a computer. Oops, robot, a robot from Mars - this is, } what, 1927? And now you've defeated me, and all of } Aperture Science. We did what we must because we could. } For the good of all of us. Except the ones who are dead. } Which now includes us. Oh well, no use crying over every } mistake, you just keep trying, 'til you run out of...." } } And with that, ChEt or cheT or whatever, turned himself } off. } } "Didn't catch that last word, what was it? Sake? That's } just Japanese rice wine. Must have been 'steak'. Anyway, } kind of catchy; someone should put that to music too," } Joe commented with a grin. } } "Huh, I always figured it would be a pie that would be his } undoing. Not a cake," Frank observed with a grin, thinking } about how Callie Shaw would run her fingers through his } dark hair; she was much hotter than Iola, who shared some } of Chet's genetics after all, though he had to admit } that Callie came out second best to Iola in the chestal } department. } } "Pretty pusillanimous of him. Guess we should have seen } this one coming from a mile away, considering how, in our } adventure last time, Aunt GeRTRude turned out to be 'Genetic } Real Time something or other,' a robot from the Moon," young } and blond-haired Joe Hardly said with a grin, thinking about } his next makout session with Iola. } } "Well, that'll be nothing, compared to our next adventure, } 'The Case Of The Chums Who Get Locked In The Basement And } Come Out Of The Closet,'" decrepit and dark-haired Frank } Hardly said with a grin, thinking of his brother's imminent } dismay when he found out first-hand that one of Iola's } nipples was inverted. } } "The Aperture Science Enrichment Center is committed to the } well-being of all participants. Cake (no Lie!) and Grief } Counseling will be available at the conclusion of the test. } Thank you for helping us help you help us robots," Defective } Fenton Hardly said to his sons with a grin, thinking about } the sizable deposit he had just left at the bank. } } "Nooooooo!!!!" Frank and Joe Hardly screamed with a grin. } } Chapter 5 } } The end. } } You owe the Oracle the recipe for chocolate coconut pecan } peanut butter malted milk alpha resin ethyl benzene 'how } to kill someone with your bare hands' rhubarb rhubarb rhubarb } rhubarb rhubarb rhubarb sediment flavored fish shaped cake. --- 1493-05 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Christophe The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > How does the mom make botox doctors furious? What is a botox doctor? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Worst. Cryptic. Crossword. Clue. EVAR!!1! } } You owe the Oracle mixed-up hot cereal. --- 1493-06 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Tim Chew The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oracle most wise and forgiving, please tell me, how does one > successfully, secretly and without trace dispose of a very large sack > full of human body parts? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Wait patiently in the sack until they toss you into the incinerator. --- 1493-07 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Dave The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Adam West always seemed so sanguine and laid back. He gave no > indication that he started out by clutching a blue flower and climbing > to the top of a snowy Tibetan mountain to a temple with a Kung-Fu high > priest so that Liam Neeson could beat the shit out of him and teach him > to become a Ninja master. And to be frank, I found the whole thing to > be faintly ridiculous and cliche. > > Was all that crap added years later (ie. revisionism), or was it there > from the beginning? ie.over the years, have pious frauds expanded the > Batman story and added lies and legends to it? Have historians and > scholars ever produced a definitive history of Batman that peels away > any such myths in order to get at the kernel of Batman's history? A > "quest for the historical Batman" a la Schweitzer? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } The Quest of the Historical Adam West } A Critical Study of its Progress from Gorshin to Newmar } by T. I. Oracle } with apologies to Albert Schweitzer } } WHEN, AT SOME FUTURE DAY, OUR PERIOD OF CIVILISATION SHALL LIE, } closed and completed, before the eyes of later generations, } American Television will stand out as a great, a unique, } phenomenon in the mental and spiritual life of our time. For } nowhere save in the broadcast temperament can there be found, } in the same perfection, the living complex of conditions and } factors of philosophic thought, critical acumen, historical } insight, and outright star-worship, without which no deep } philosophy is possible. } } And the greatest achievement of American Television is the } critical investigation of the life of Adam West. What it has } accomplished here has laid down the conditions and determined } the course of the philosophic thinking of the future. } } The history of the study of the life of Adam West has hitherto } received surprisingly little attention. Rex Reed, in his Life } of Adam West of 1971, briefly records the previous attempts to } deal with the subject. Gene Siskel, himself one of the most } distinguished students in this department, in his "Progress of } Adam West," 1997, gives some information regarding "the most } notable biographies of West of the last thirty years." In the } year 2000 Pauline Kael treated together the four major Lives } of Adam West by Gorshin, Meredith, Romero and Newmar; in 2006 } Roger Ebert, in his "History of Adam West," extended an earlier } lecture to include the works of Buono, Liberace, and Price, } among the less celebrated early students of this topic; and he } described, in a short essay, the progress of the study up to } the effort of Gabor which ended the classical period of 1966- } 1968. A new study, "Adam West in the Twenty First-Century," } is in editing stages at this time. } } You would need years to thoroughly study and understand these } monumental works. However, to answer your question, Adam West } did not need to make an arduous trek to Tibet for his training. } He had only to travel from Walla Walla, Washington to Hawaii, } and on the seminal TV series El Kini Popo Show a chimpanzee } trained West in the martial arts. Since this resulted in } rather weak combat skills, West apparently devised the Pow!, } Bam! and Biff! motifs to trick his adversaries into believing } they had been dealt crushing blows. } } Christian Bale, less cleverly, indeed did travel to Tibet to } achieve a similar effect. A much poorer actor, obviously. } } You owe the Oracle an umbrella, some greasepaint, a unitard } with a question mark, and most importantly a catsuit. --- 1493-08 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Christophe The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > O r > a c > l e > m o > s t > w i > s e > I > a m > g o > i n > g > d o > w n > h i > l l > l a > t e > l y > P l > e a > s e > h e > l p ! And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } er. } tt } be } ch } mu } el } fe } ll } u' } yo } and } day } per } ice } tw } is } th } ke } ta } st } Ju } nt! } ca } li } pp } Su } O } t, } no } ar } Fe --- 1493-09 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Lawrence, Mark" The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > ...x....I....x....I....x....I....x....I....x....I....x....I....x....I.. And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Yes, the supplicant's heartbeat remains steady, but the } brain scan continues to show this: } } ....................................................................... } } You owe the Oracle a word with Microsoft. --- 1493-10 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Dave The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > How was your Winter Candy Day? What are your plans for Spring and Fall > Candy Days? And why is there no Summer Candy Day? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Valentine's Day? Easter and Halloween? Why, EVERY day } is Candy Day at the Temple of the Oracle. We enjoy a big } bowl of jelly beans for breakfast, chocolate bunnies for } a mid-morning snack, starlight mints at lunch, marshmallow } chicks in the afternoon, candy corn and circus peanuts for } dinner, and that still leaves peppermint gumdrops for a } late evening snack while watching TV. } } In other news, Lisa has been diagnosed with adult-onset } diabetes, Zadoc died last week from insulin shock, Og's } last tooth fell out, and I am tipping the scales at a } svelte 790 pounds. So we're all pretty much enjoying } the nutritional benefits of this diet. } } You owe the Oracle a motorized wheelchair.