From oracle-admin@cs.indiana.edu Sat Jan 21 12:00:46 2012 Received: from newman.cs.indiana.edu (localhost [127.0.0.1]) by newman.cs.indiana.edu (8.13.8/8.13.8/IUCS_2.96) with ESMTP id q0LH0kPe007771; Sat, 21 Jan 2012 12:00:46 -0500 Received: (from daemon@localhost) by newman.cs.indiana.edu (8.13.8/8.13.8/Submit) id q0LH0kLo007768; Sat, 21 Jan 2012 12:00:46 -0500 Date: Sat, 21 Jan 2012 12:00:46 -0500 From: Internet Oracle Message-Id: <201201211700.q0LH0kLo007768@newman.cs.indiana.edu> To: oracle-list@cs.indiana.edu Subject: Internet Oracularities #1492 Reply-To: oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu X-Face: )/f9dPAX/dU$1Z!U(/?A PiIJvIOtcN@L.>6,2OKd."T#S7b*{feRf.Kns23^P9.Ak{GdWWv]0*1E}RJ)_idU:(5VkN*_+bB kyrnLfC12B>V/q=z32:05`EcAd.!z#3k]h)O!ZU^E"f`@),(2WT X-Planation: X-Face can be used with www.cs.indiana.edu/ftp/faces === 1492 ================================================================= Title: Internet Oracularities #1492 Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler Date: Sat, 21 Jan 2012 12:00:35 -0500 (EST) To find out all about the Internet Oracle (TM), including how to participate, send mail to oracle@cs.indiana.edu with the word "help" in the subject line, or go to http://www.cs.indiana.edu/~oracle/ or http://www.internetoracle.org/ ("Internet Oracle" is a trademark of Stephen B Kinzler.) Let us know what you like! Send your ratings of these 10 Oracularities on an integer scale of 1 ("very bad") to 5 ("very good") with the volume number to oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu (probably just reply to this message). For example: 1492 2 1 3 4 3 5 3 3 4 1 1487 20 votes 05843 05933 14861 35912 24a22 24842 1a630 12827 23a32 24752 1487 3.0 mean 3.2 3.2 3.1 2.7 2.9 3.0 2.5 3.6 3.0 3.0 --- 1492-01 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Sid Dabster The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > How do I get my computer to run faster? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } No animated GIF backgrounds. } A bigger whip. } Compress your hard drive. } A steeper hill (down only). } Delete all the unused files, then defrag your hard drive. } More villagers with hot tar and feathers and pitchforks. } Turn off the virus scanner because it slows you down. } Torches. And not the British flashlight kind. } Get a good virus scanner because viruses slow you down. } Carbohydrate loading. } Windows 7--twice as fast as DOS 3.5. } Steroids. } Liquid nitrogen CPU cooler and a faster clock crystal. } Buy a Kenyan computer. } Stop wasting time asking the Oracle questions. } } You owe the Oracle a 4.77 MHz 8088 64 KB PC with two } 8" floppy drives and a monochrome monitor. --- 1492-02 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Tim Chew The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Is God on Tim Tebow's side? Will he eventually take his place beside > Samson, Joshua, and David? A spiritual giant, raised up by God to do > mighty deeds! And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Believe it or not, God actually has little interest in American } football. God is an Anglican Who prefers Rugby Union, and does not } favour one player over another. He loves seeing all of them pile up } into one huge mess, covered with mud. God really enjoys mud (it's the } "stuff" from which He formed the earth), and thinks that pigs and } ruggers are two of His best creations. } } His fascination with pigs is, by the way, the reason He forbade Jews } and Muslims to eat pork, long ago. He worried that his dear pigs might } become extinct if eaten. He also does not want people to eat Rugby } players, but really, who would want to? Maybe a rugger. But ruggers } only eat other ruggers when already dead. In these latter days God } would tell the Jews and the Muslims that it was all right to eat pork, } but those groups (as well as the Catholics and the LDS) are not really } listening to Anglicans right now. --- 1492-03 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Tim Chew The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Garcon? > > Waiter? Hello? > > (stands up) WHAT DO I HAVE TO DO TO GET SOME SERVICE HERE? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } You have to pull up to the next window, sir, there are several people } behind you. } } You owe the Oracle compensation equal to $10 more than the amount my } manager is taking out of my pay for taking so long with you. --- 1492-04 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Dave The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Will you ever get a page on the facebook? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } THE INTERNET ORACLE } } Orrie: } mmmmm... sausages ;) } } 28,136 supplicants like this. } View all 109,567 comments } } RECENT ACTIVITY } } Lisa has added 45 new photos to the album Oracular Follies. } } Kendai is playing Grovelling World. } } Orrie: } mmmmm... pizza ;) } } 14,964 supplicants like this. } View all 226,340 comments } } Find friends: } Zeus: Orrie and 5,685,332 other mutual friends } Shiva: Orrie and 22,069,535 other mutual friends } Loki: Orrie and 3 other mutual friends } ............ } } Sort of like that, you mean? If I ever succumb, Zadoc has instructions } to kill me quickly and painlessly. --- 1492-05 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Ian Davis The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > What's with all the diarrhea questions? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } You tend to get a run of them this time of year. --- 1492-06 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Mark Lawrence The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > I invented a color once: gang green. I don't actually know what it > looks like, but I know it can't be as healthy as other greens. And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } You like puns, huh? Sorry, but yours was only 2/3 of one: P.U. } } Q: What is the difference between a pun and a fart? } A: One is a shift of wit. } } OK, since you brought up "green": } Patient: I cant stop singing The Green, Green Grass of Home. } Doctor: That sounds like Tom Jones Syndrome. } Patient: Is it common? } Doctor: It's Not Unusual. } } You owe the Oracle a new pussycat. --- 1492-07 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Klone (aka Daniel V. Klein) " The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oracle most wise, who deserves the very best and then some, how do I > tell if it's love and not some passing fancy? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } There are many differences between true Love and a mere } passing fancy. } } Love is more about the other person. A passing fancy is } ultimately about yourself. } } Love becomes part of the fabric of your life. A passing } fancy takes over your life, the way a forest fire takes } over a forest, and then it's suddenly over. } } Love sees the reality yet retains the ideal. A passing } fancy causes you to cling to the ideal and deny the } reality. } } Love imagines life with the other person. A passing fancy } makes you momentarily unable to imagine life without the } other person, until the first obstacle looms. } } Love causes you to follow the object of your affection } from the bus stop to her apartment, then hide in the bushes } the next morning in order to suddenly spring out with } declarations of undying devotion, which she coldly rebuffs, } and when I do it again the next morning to prove that I'm } not swayed by some obstacle she threatens that if I EVER do } this again she'll get a restraining order, and when I cry } and plead the next morning for just one more chance she says } that if I won't obey a restraining order then she'll just } bypass the courts and get her boyfriend and his buddies } to.... } } Ah, perhaps I have offered TOO keen an insight into Love, } with that last bit. Let me try again. } } Love is patient and kind; Love is not jealous or boastful; } it is not arrogant or rude. Love does not insist on its own } way; it is not irritable or resentful; it does not rejoice } at wrong, but rejoices in the right. Love bears all things, } believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things. } Love never ends. A passing fancy, by contrast, tends to } fade away shortly after the first threat of legal action. } } You owe the Oracle the name of a good lawyer. --- 1492-08 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Dave The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Hello, Orrie, it is I, Og. Imagine! I've worked with you all these > years and never realized that you were an omniscient dispenser of > answers to questions! Well, I have a few questions of my own, and I'd > really appreciate it if you'd answer them: > > 1. Often in the winter months it's quite cold. Also when the meat is > left out raw it often goes bad very quickly. Is there some sun-like > source of heat that you could help me discover that could keep us warm > during the winter months, and put raw meat into a state in which it is > edible for a longer period of time? > > 2. I have a large crate which I use to transport stones and other > freight. But it is slow, hard work dragging it along in the ground. Is > there some clever invention that could be affixed to the bottom of the > crate so that it takes less effort to transport it from one location to > another? > > I really think it is in your best interests to help me. If you do not, > humans may not develop the technology to send you emails, and then > where would you be? > > All the best, > > Og And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Good to hear from you, Og. Certainly I can help with } both problems. } } 1. The cold weather, and the spoilage of meat. What I } recommend is to locate some very large stones, and use a } chisel to carve them into circular disks. For example, } around 20 inches in diameter and 3 inches in width. Also } carve holes, an inch or so wide, through the center. Place } these disks on top of the meat; this keeps the air out, } preventing spoilage (don't place the meat right under the } center hole, though). The exertion of carving these disks } will have the secondary effect of keeping your body warm, } as will the effort to lift a disk to obtain a portion of } meat for each meal. } } 2. The transport of large crates. Locate a flint rock, } and strike it against another rock, near which you have } placed dried leaves and twigs. Doing this should throw } sparks, which will ignite the twigs. Add larger pieces } of dried wood, until you have a roaring blaze. Place the } crate in this, until it stops smoking. While it will not } affect the stones you mention, most of the other contents, } as well as the crate itself, will weigh much less after } this procedure, making it far easier to transport. } } You owe the Oracle a cave drawing of Lisa taking a bath. --- 1492-09 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Ian Davis The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > You have two cows.... And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Ha ha. Then I'll only pay at a 15% Federal tax rate on } my second cow, which I'll rent out as an "investment", } while you middle-class one-cow families will have to } stay in the 25% or even 28% bracket on what you milk } for yourself. Oh, it's good to have inherited wealth. } } You owe the Oracle cake. --- 1492-10 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Ian Davis The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > These accusations I come across are completely unfounded. And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } You certainly do.