From oracle-admin@cs.indiana.edu Wed May 13 09:15:13 2009 Received: from newman.cs.indiana.edu (localhost [127.0.0.1]) by newman.cs.indiana.edu (8.13.1/8.13.1/IUCS_2.87) with ESMTP id n4DDFDPo028646; Wed, 13 May 2009 09:15:13 -0400 Received: (from daemon@localhost) by newman.cs.indiana.edu (8.13.1/8.13.1/Submit) id n4DDFDcs028643; Wed, 13 May 2009 09:15:13 -0400 Date: Wed, 13 May 2009 09:15:13 -0400 From: Internet Oracle Message-Id: <200905131315.n4DDFDcs028643@newman.cs.indiana.edu> To: oracle-list@cs.indiana.edu Subject: Internet Oracularities #1455 Reply-To: oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu X-Face: )/f9dPAX/dU$1Z!U(/?A PiIJvIOtcN@L.>6,2OKd."T#S7b*{feRf.Kns23^P9.Ak{GdWWv]0*1E}RJ)_idU:(5VkN*_+bB kyrnLfC12B>V/q=z32:05`EcAd.!z#3k]h)O!ZU^E"f`@),(2WT X-Planation: X-Face can be used with www.cs.indiana.edu/ftp/faces === 1455 ================================================================= Title: Internet Oracularities #1455 Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler Date: Wed, 13 May 2009 09:15:02 -0500 (EST) To find out all about the Internet Oracle (TM), including how to participate, send mail to oracle@cs.indiana.edu with the word "help" in the subject line. ("Internet Oracle" is a trademark of Stephen B Kinzler.) Let us know what you like! Send your ratings of these 10 Oracularities on an integer scale of 1 ("very bad") to 5 ("very good") with the volume number to oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu (probably just reply to this message). For example: 1455 2 1 3 4 3 5 3 3 4 1 1450 29 votes 25c64 06b93 6e621 34b65 27f41 56b61 2bb32 39b60 66971 06e63 1450 2.9 mean 3.2 3.3 2.2 3.2 2.8 2.7 2.7 2.7 2.7 3.2 --- 1455-01 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Tim Chew The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > What's the best way to play Lemmings? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Lemming costume: $15 } } Shovel: $20 } } Bus ride: $25 } } A good friend with a driving licence: a six-pack or two } } The look on the face of everyone you know when you do a round-robin of } their houses on top of a stolen bus screaming "WATCH OUT FOR THE CLIFF } RODNEY": Priceless } } You owe the Oracle your Mastercard pin number included. Or Visa. Visa } is fine too. --- 1455-02 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Klone (aka Daniel V Klein) The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Great and magnificient Oracle, who can freely contemplate the infinite > distance between two atoms in a neutron star: > > If the universe is mostly made up of empty space, why is real estate > so expensive? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } It's a widely known fact that real estate agents are in fact full } of little more than hot air. They require no education, no formal } training, and if you've ever done tech support for one, no knowledge } of any kind. } } That said, in terms of real estate, the emptiness of space is } wholly relative to what you can do with it. While you might find the } relatively dense area of the termination shock of our solar system } rather dull to live in, and likely be able to find any number of } people willing to give it away for free, a 30 cubic foot apartment in } manhatten with a spectacular view would have infinitely more uses to } your simian mind, such as bringing dates back to after clubbing them } over the head. The quoted price would therefore rise dramatically. } } The only reason people are willing to pay the prices asked for it } is that they can't imagine getting the needs they have to fulfill } met any other way, and the only reason people sell for the prices } they have is because people are willing to pay for them. The balance } between them is all held together by real estate agents who ensure } that everyone is on the same page. } } So you see, the reason for the high price of real estate is that real } estate has no price at all. It is artificially inflated according } to the ebbs and flows of all orders of society, and in all actuality } may as well be traded in pizza hut tokens. } } Now, what should YOU do about it? I'm glad you asked, supplicant! } } The key to beating the high price of real estate is to open your mind } to new possibilities. What ARE your needs, really and truly? Presumably } you require a place to keep your food, a place to clean the filth from } your body, a point of stability where people can reach you, a place to } sleep, and a place to keep the junk that you consider important to you. } } The last few needs can be met by acquiring a car. While at first } glance this might seem to be a purchase even as great as that of } buying a small house, you must keep in mind that people also hold } the strange prejudice that cars should actually be able to run, } and transport you from place to place. Take away this prejudice, } and you can actually acquire one for a very reasonable price. } } Push it out to an unused portion of the world, unclaimed by the } money-makers of society, and you have an instant base for which } to store your body and various trinkets of experience. In order to } ensure a place where you can clean yourself, this place should also } be somewhere within walking distance of a large source of water, } such as a hot spring, stream, river, waterfall, or canal. } } Fulfilling the remainder of your needs can be somewhat tricky. However, } technology is on your side. Advances in solar power make it cost } a mere 30 cents per watt to produce, which is even cheaper than } burning coal. So, simply erect solar powers over your vehicle, and } suddenly all sorts of options open to you, such as refrigerators, } laptop computers, and the charging of cell phones. } } So you see, so long as you're willing to be flexible, and consider } alternate ways to meet your requirements of life, you can in fact } beat the system erected by the lower life forms around you. } } You owe the oracle a dozen rolls of toilet paper. --- 1455-03 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Klone (aka Daniel V Klein) The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Why should we have to worry about the environment? According > to 2 Peter: > > 10 But the day of the Lord will come as a thief in the > night; in the which the heavens shall pass away with a > great noise, and the elements shall melt with fervent heat, > the earth also and the works that are therein shall be > burned up. > > 11 Seeing then that all these things shall be dissolved, > what manner of persons ought ye to be in all holy > conversation and godliness, > > 12 Looking for and hasting unto the coming of the day of > God, wherein the heavens being on fire shall be dissolved, > and the elements shall melt with fervent heat? > > Sounds like some pretty serious global warming to me! And > shouldn't we be looking forward to it, not trying to > prevent it? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } That Peter - such a joker! Remind me to hassle him for that one, next } time we chat. } } In his defense, it never occurred to him at the time that people who } so completely lack his cultural frame of reference would be reading a } rough translation of his words and take them for literal and imminent } truth. (Imminent, OK, I suppose; the whole point is that you } shouldn't know when exactly your time is up, individually or } collectively, so as to avoid the "Jesus is coming: look busy!" } mentality. But sheesh, not literal!) } } Since you're fond of Bible verses, though, here are a couple to } consider. You got your Jeremiah 2:7, with a nice harangue about } taking good care of a tiny bit of the planet. Habakkuk 2:17, same } deal, with consequences mentioned. Capping it off, 2 Chronicles } 36:21, basically saying Hey, you didn't take care of your territory, } now you're getting booted off and it's getting 70 years of fallow time } while you work for somebody else. } } And don't get me started on the whole ark thing. Again, forget the } literal bit - Noah didn't have a staff entomologist, you know - but } consider the priorities: only one family of humans out of the world's } whole teeming diversity, but space for every single other species. } Even the so-called unclean ones. } } So. Granted, you don't know when the jig's going to be up, } individually, collectively, or universally. But you DO know you're } supposed to take care of what you have and be good both to people and } to the natural world. Stewardship, if you will. Good stewardship } brings good results, bad stewardship brings a world of hurt - in this } case literally. } } Species are dying out in record numbers, and while there is some } questionable science about some claims of global warming, there is no } reasonable doubt left that it is a) caused by humans and b) bad for } life on this planet. Including yours. And you do want yours to be as } long as possible, don't you? } } } Now quit yanking my chain and go tell your religious friends. --- 1455-04 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Tim Chew The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > My friend's dad offered me a job at the plant. I asked him what I > needed to work there and he said, "STEAL TOAD SHOES!" (He speaks that > way. All caps.) > > So I did. Well, at least I tried. Instead I stole some fake alligator > shoes. He fired me the first day. What's with him? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Obviously, you were fired for incorrectly following instructions. } } Toads with shoes can be hard to find though, I understand. The best } way to obtain them, is to first find a swampy, froggy swamp. } You can tell that it's froggy enough if you can see frogs. You can } tell if the area is swampy enough by the swamp. There should be one. } If there isn't, it's possible you're still at home, or in your } backyard. } } Find a nice spot to sit down, and make sure you hold a shoe horn high } above your head. Within a couple of hours, the swamp life should } become accustomed you your presence, and you can begin to examine } toads for footware. } } Try to find a toad who's on his way to the shoe store. He'll be more } likely to part with his shoes if he's about to get new ones. --- 1455-05 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Tim Chew The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > what type of women like a man with a hovercraft? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } I suppose I am expected to write something like "Those who are aloof } themselves". But the truth is, EVERY woman likes a man with a } hovercraft. Trust me on this one. } } You owe the Oracle a refill of eels. --- 1455-06 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Ian Davis The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh wisest Oracle, I turn to your all-knowing awesomeness in an hour > of great despair. Why is it that into each generation of students, > many are born who fail to understand that giving an example is not > enough when a mathematical proof is required of them? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Well, there are cases for which you might want to prove that } "!(forAll X P)", which is equivalent to "exists an X for which not P". } It is then actually sufficient to give an example of an X for which !P } holds. } } Now, if the task is "prove that either P or !P holds for all X", } because the teacher does not want to imply the truth (or falsehood) } of P in the question, or if the task is "prove that P holds for all X", } but the student is so smart that he realizes that the teacher has made } a mistake, it is often the far better route to go, because providing } a single example is usually a lot easier than proving a statement for } all X. In the latter case, it also make the teacher - the supplicant } of a question, one might say - look silly without being presumptuous, } which is often the goal for math students and collaborative humorous } writers alike. } } For example, mentioning the fact that the generation of students who } entered High school in 1953 all were perfectly aware of all this, frees } me from the obligation to write a long, complicated and funny answer } to the statement you wrongly implied to be true in your question. } } You owe the Oracle a 5-page essay proving that you no longer beat } your wife. --- 1455-07 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Ian Davis The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > I've been wondering about languages. All except French. I know > everything I need to know about French. > > Anyway, according to language historians there once was Old Norse. It > eventually split into eastern and western Norse (not north and south as > would seem logical). > > The Angles (not Angels) and Saxons spoke a language that became German, > Dutch, Frisian, English and ghod-gnose what else. > > It's like, in olden times there were fewer languages. Why does one > language split into others? Why not unite them instead, like the Danes > and Swedes could take up speaking Norwegian. Oops, there are two > Norwegian languages. They'd have to choose. Oh well. > > What if maybe most of Europe gave up speaking Ethnic and all changed > over to English? Or are they doing that already? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Actually they are. And Ethnic languages are supposed to be going } extinct almost as fast as animals. What no one knows (except me } because I know everything) is what happens to them after they go } extinct. } } What one generally thinks of as happening to something after it goes } extinct is that it gets fossilized. As it turns out, that happens to } languages too. They get turned into stone and buried for long periods } of time until somebody digs them up again and tries to reconstruct } them. The most famous example of this is the Rosetta Stone, which was } like the ichthyosaur of all languages. There was also the Epic of } Gilgamesh with its Cuneiform writing which was like the Tyrannosaurus } Rex of all languages. } } In this extended metaphor, Latin is the little dinosaur that evolved } into the archaeopteryx and from there into all the myriad birds in the } world, and Anglo-Saxon is the little rat creature that evolved into } all the various hairy beasts of the world. Neither of them is around } anymore, but their descendants are, in great numbers. And one of those } descendants of the Anglo-Saxon rat creature is in the process of } taking over the world. } } And thus can the English language be directly compared to the human } race. --- 1455-08 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: twchew@mindspring.com The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > We are all hungry here. Isn't there some way we can starve off hunger > for a while? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Yes, I'd advise you to throw a party. That should take your mind } off it, Mr. Donner. } } You owe the Oracle a bowl of Blitzen stew. } } } [[NOTE: The editor of this digest and selecting priest of this Oracularity } would like to apologize to anyone offended by the P.S. that was present } in this answer when originally published. It somehow escaped our } attention and wasn't removed prior to publication, as is our practice. } It did not reflect the opinion of the Oracle's staff.]] --- 1455-09 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Tim Chew The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Rhetorical question. And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } What's wrong with this statement? --- 1455-10 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Ian Davis The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Why do the English say 'zed' instead of 'zee'? It's sounds > like a really goofy nonsense word, like zork or glorp. > Even the English pronounce most of the rest of their letters > to end in 'ee' just like us, so it's hypocritical for them > to make an exception for 'z' (ZEE). And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Wait until you hear the English pronounce Greek. The beta that you } think is bayta becomes beeta in their mouths. And let's not even } discuss the pronunciation of Nicaragua. } } Have you ever considered the vast number of people on earth who speak } English? And that most of them are in India and other parts of the } Former Empire? And that they all say "Zed"?