From oracle-admin@cs.indiana.edu Fri Jan 23 14:13:21 2009 Received: from newman.cs.indiana.edu (localhost [127.0.0.1]) by newman.cs.indiana.edu (8.13.1/8.13.1/IUCS_2.87) with ESMTP id n0NJDLlK001071; Fri, 23 Jan 2009 14:13:21 -0500 Received: (from daemon@localhost) by newman.cs.indiana.edu (8.13.1/8.13.1/Submit) id n0NJDLdJ001068; Fri, 23 Jan 2009 14:13:21 -0500 Date: Fri, 23 Jan 2009 14:13:21 -0500 From: Internet Oracle Message-Id: <200901231913.n0NJDLdJ001068@newman.cs.indiana.edu> To: oracle-list@cs.indiana.edu Subject: Internet Oracularities #1451 Reply-To: oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu X-Face: )/f9dPAX/dU$1Z!U(/?A PiIJvIOtcN@L.>6,2OKd."T#S7b*{feRf.Kns23^P9.Ak{GdWWv]0*1E}RJ)_idU:(5VkN*_+bB kyrnLfC12B>V/q=z32:05`EcAd.!z#3k]h)O!ZU^E"f`@),(2WT X-Planation: X-Face can be used with www.cs.indiana.edu/ftp/faces === 1451 ================================================================= Title: Internet Oracularities #1451 Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler Date: Fri, 23 Jan 2009 14:13:09 -0500 (EST) To find out all about the Internet Oracle (TM), including how to participate, send mail to oracle@cs.indiana.edu with the word "help" in the subject line. ("Internet Oracle" is a trademark of Stephen B Kinzler.) Let us know what you like! Send your ratings of these 10 Oracularities on an integer scale of 1 ("very bad") to 5 ("very good") with the volume number to oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu (probably just reply to this message). For example: 1451 2 1 3 4 3 5 3 3 4 1 1446 29 votes 49a51 19a72 06h42 02ea3 44e52 15b57 28d24 79634 79751 5d614 1446 2.9 mean 2.7 3.0 3.1 3.5 2.9 3.4 2.9 2.6 2.4 2.5 --- 1451-01 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Tim Chew The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Wise and mighty Oracle, whose name should never be forgotten: > > Will two pairs of pants and a belt be sufficient? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } More than sufficient I'd say. Look, I know it's to be a drag trying to } be creative with Auto Parts calendar photo shoots, but you'll find } there are quite a few laws in various jurisdictions about showing that } anatomy that way, no matter if it draws attention to the client's } timing belt. You might want to hang onto a few of the trial run prints } and they're going to become quite collectable in a few years. These } will let you avoid death in poverty and horrible circumstances when } you sell them later. It's too bad the rampaging mob will destroy your } studio, the originals and prints, but I've checked the timelines and } you can't avoid that. } } You owe the Oracle the rights to the story of how you persuaded the } model to pose like that and the equipment and lubricants involved. You } probably owe the model at least a tetanus shot too. --- 1451-02 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Mark Lawrence The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh, Great Oracle, please hear my plea for knowledge... > > How can I beat the final boss in the acclaimed multiplayer game, > "Internet". > > I await your answer, always your humble servant... And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Kendai powered down a Mountain Dew. } } His team was dead, from the useless noob dorklink259 to } the so elite everyone thought he was cheating XC0rps3. } All dead. } } But Kendai still lived. And had lots of ammo. Sure his } health was low, but he did have that powerup. } } GGGGGGGGGGGGGGLllllllllllllllllobbbbbbbbbAAAAAAALLLLLL! } } The Final Boss was near. Kendai rechecked that all his } weapons were loaded for the third time. And as he checked } each one reflected on the battles past. } } 'noob' pistol: LOADED. Sure it was useless up here, but it } had got him his first kill. A fish in a barrel kill sure, } someone had made a silly regex error in a perl group and } he'd shot him down. Point blank. No one noticed, but him, } but it was a start. } } A "Godwin" grenade launcher. Stopped more than one USENET } thread with that baby. Back when USENET matter, so long } ago. So long ago. } } His Spray and Pray 13lt3 sub-machine gun. Fast. Messy, but } fast. Great on 4chan, less helpful on FARK knocking out } LOLcats.... } } GlllllllllllllllOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOBAALLLLLLLLLLLLLL! } } And then the Beast was on him. Huge and fat. Bearded. But } wearing a suit. Flanked, by...No. Three Bonos! The beast was, } how could it be!?! The Creator of the Internet itself was } waiting at The End to kill any that found out the Internet } wasn't infinite after all!!! } } WARRRRRrrrrrrmmmmmmmmmmMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMING!!! } } And the Algore let loose a blast of hot air that knocked poor } Kendai all the way back to 14k modem capacity on a green } screen monitor. Just like that. Kendai would have to start } over. And it made him wail, "NO!!!NO!!!NO!!1NOT 14K!!!" --- 1451-03 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Klone (aka Daniel V Klein) The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Why are the plump ones so appealing? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Because by their very plumpness, they offer the promise of succulent } delight once you make them yours. The soft curves so inviting, making } you want to caress them, if only briefly. The plump ones say without a } word that they will give you immense pleasure so sweet, if only you'd } just take her. Then you sink into her and . . . DAMMIT! You get juice } all down your chin. You owe the Oracle another peach. --- 1451-04 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Tim Chew The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Praise the Oracle, no greater glory than to have The Oracle > ponder one's question! > > What doesn't need cool LED lights imbedded in them? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Bath toys. "Here honey, try this." (Drops in water) ZZZAP! "Oh my. } Well, call the insurance company and collect on the accidental death } provisions" } } You owe the oracle a new bathtub. His old one has a bad smell from } testing this hypothesis. } } [This answer was instantiated by Viridian Development Corporation } (Colorado) so that your question could be answered by a soulless } corporation that doesn't care about people.] --- 1451-05 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Ian Davis The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > PETA regards the death of an animal at the hands of humans as > a tragedy, but not the death of an animal at the (paws?) of > another animal. > > Would they therefore be ok with the beef industry if the > cattle were slaughtered by releasing them in a pen with a > lion (and then force the lion away to collect the kill)? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } No. PETA members tend to be vegetarians. Carnivores (such as lions) } seem to prefer eating vegetarian prey. The proper relationship between } PETA members and carnivorous predators is obvious. --- 1451-06 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Ian Davis The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > If Ninja and Pirates are arch-enemies, does that mean Vikings and > Samurai hate each other as well? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Dear flat-footed supplicant, } } Once again, I am behooved to point out your faulty logic. } } So Ninjas and Pirates hate arches. Big freakin deal. That is a matter } between them and their therapists. } } Let's deal with the Vikings and Samurai. You naively thought that } they hate each other. In fact they are blood brothers. The hidden } link is the Finns. Nobody hears much about the Finns, as they quietly } breed Santa's reindeer and develop wittier versions of Wheel of } Fortune for Nokia phones. Finns are descended from a mysterious tribe } who traversed the wilds of Siberia to settle in today's Finland, } which used to be controlled by Sweden. With them, they carried many } Japanese traditions, including saunas, non-European sentence } structures, and a propensity for pointy shoes. Why is this link not } well-known you ask? Well, a little manufactured rivalry does much to } increase media attention and branded sports gear. --- 1451-07 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Ian Davis The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh great and powerful Oracle... > > Hi, I'm The Internet Ocular. I keep getting e-mails intended for you. > It doesn't happen too often, so it's not a bother. How do you want to > go about dealing with this? I could just forward them to you when I > get them or would you like me to just collect them together into a > digest? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Date: Mon, 06 Feb 12 13:43:54 -0500 } From: Internet Ocular } Subject: Internet Ocular #0001-01 } } Selected-By: Tim #1 (aka tim) } } The Internet Ocular has pondered your question deeply. } Your question was: } } > The other day I saw a pirate dog, you know with a patch } > and a wooden leg. My sister said, "Look at that dog with } > one eye!" So I covered one eye and looked at it, but it } > didn't really look all that different than when I viewed } > it with one eye. What gives? } } And in response, thus spied the Ocular: } } } I see. Next time swagger up to the dog and say in your } } best John Wayne voice, "Pilgrim, I know who done shot yer } } Pa." } } } } You must see about giving The Ocular a salty dog, hold the } } the scurvy. } } ------------------------------ } } Date: Mon, 06 Feb 12 13:43:55 -0500 } From: Internet Ocular } Subject: Internet Ocular #0001-02 } } Selected-By: Tim #2 (aka tim) } } The Internet Ocular has pondered your question deeply. } Your question was: } } > How does one get black eyed, peas? } } And in response, thus spied the Ocular: } } } Usually by fighting over chick peas. } } ------------------------------ } } Date: Mon, 06 Feb 12 13:43:56 -0500 } From: Internet Ocular } Subject: Internet Ocular #0001-03 } } Selected-By: Tim #2 (aka tim) } } The Internet Ocular has pondered your question deeply. } Your question was: } } > How can I catch the eye of that cute guy in Math class? } } And in response, thus spied the Ocular: } } } Practice your fly fishing and hook him in one of his big } } blue peepers. } } } } You must see your way to giving the Ocular a nightcrawler. } } ------------------------------ } } Date: Mon, 06 Feb 12 13:43:58 -0500 } From: Internet Ocular } Subject: Internet Ocular #0001-04 } } Selected-By: Tim #2 (aka tim) } } The Internet Ocular has pondered your question deeply. } Your question was: } } > Deer InteRNUT Ocular, } > } > What doo you say to A man with A glass EYe named JOberinski? } } And in response, thus spied the Ocular: } } } Ask him what his other eye is called. } } ------------------------------ } } Date: Mon, 06 Feb 12 13:43:59 -0500 } From: Internet Ocular } Subject: Internet Ocular #0001-05 } } Selected-By: Tim #1 (aka tim) } } The Internet Ocular has pondered your question deeply. } Your question was: } } > I tried getting my husband some glasses, but he's still } > not seeing things my way. What can I do? } } And in response, thus spied the Ocular: } } } Get an Eye-vorce. } } ------------------------------ } } Date: Mon, 06 Feb 12 13:43:100 -0500 } From: Internet Ocular } Subject: Internet Ocular #0001-07 } } Selected-By: Tim #1 (aka tim) } } The Internet Ocular has pondered your question deeply. } Your question was: } } > The sun! It's blinding me! I've been } > decapitated and I'm face up in a wicker bucket! } > What can I do? } } And in response, thus spied the Ocular: } } } Squint, while you're a head. } } ------------------------------ } } Date: Mon, 06 Feb 12 13:43:101 -0500 } From: Internet Ocular } Subject: Internet Ocular #0001-08 } } Selected-By: Tim #1 (aka tim) } } The Internet Ocular has pondered your question deeply. } Your question was: } } > What did the law pupil say to the judge? } } And in response, thus spied the Ocular: } } } Iris my case. } } ------------------------------ } } Date: Mon, 06 Feb 12 13:43:102 -0500 } From: Internet Ocular } Subject: Internet Ocular #0001-09 } } Selected-By: Tim #2 (aka tim) } } The Internet Ocular has pondered your question deeply. } Your question was: } } > I C U! } } And in response, thus spied the Ocular: } } } Me too. } } } } You must see your way to giving the Ocular a AOL CD. } } ------------------------------ } } Date: Mon, 06 Feb 12 13:43:103 -0500 } From: Internet Ocular } Subject: Internet Ocular #0001-10 } } Selected-By: EYE N. Davis (aka end) } } The Internet Ocular has pondered your question deeply. } Your question was: } } > Can I wear glasses when I play contact sports? } } And in response, thus spied the Ocular: } } } Why not? People with only one bottom play tennis. } } } } Wait, that. Hmm. Sorry, I just got back from NYC. } } I flew in on the Red Eye and boy are my arms covered } } with vitreous fluid. Thank you! Thank you! I'll be } } here all week! Be sure and tip the waitresses! } } =================================================== } end } *************************************************** --- 1451-08 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Ian Davis From oracle-admin@cs.indiana.edu Tue Jan 20 15:45:02 2009 From: Ian Davis The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > The Oracle is a smart, > > Why don't the Police use pink patrol cars? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } They tried that. Citizens kept thinking the cops were Mary Kay } salespeople. The failure of the police to carry adequate supplies of } medium-quality eye shadow got them severely beaten with stylish } purses. --- 1451-09 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Klone (aka Daniel V Klein) The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh Oracle(TM) most wise and all knowing! > > If I ASCII a stupid question, do I get a stupid ANSI? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Well, actually, only an EBCDIC would ask that question. } } You owe The Oracle 7 bits. --- 1451-10 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Tim Chew The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oracle, from the lips of children and infants and adults and common > barnyard animals you have earned praise! You silence the foe of > folly and are our avenger against the deluge of ignorance that > bubbles forth from the television camped in the homes of proles and > rulers alike, > > Are there minimal quantum units of information as well? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Absolutely! After much research, a minimal quantum unit of } information was finally located in the skull of George W. Bush.