From oracle-admin@cs.indiana.edu Tue Nov 18 09:09:43 2008 Received: from newman.cs.indiana.edu (localhost [127.0.0.1]) by newman.cs.indiana.edu (8.13.1/8.13.1/IUCS_2.87) with ESMTP id mAIE9gD1013538; Tue, 18 Nov 2008 09:09:43 -0500 Received: (from daemon@localhost) by newman.cs.indiana.edu (8.13.1/8.13.1/Submit) id mAIE9gBi013535; Tue, 18 Nov 2008 09:09:42 -0500 Date: Tue, 18 Nov 2008 09:09:42 -0500 From: Internet Oracle Message-Id: <200811181409.mAIE9gBi013535@newman.cs.indiana.edu> To: oracle-list@cs.indiana.edu Subject: Internet Oracularities #1447 Reply-To: oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu X-Face: )/f9dPAX/dU$1Z!U(/?A PiIJvIOtcN@L.>6,2OKd."T#S7b*{feRf.Kns23^P9.Ak{GdWWv]0*1E}RJ)_idU:(5VkN*_+bB kyrnLfC12B>V/q=z32:05`EcAd.!z#3k]h)O!ZU^E"f`@),(2WT X-Planation: X-Face can be used with www.cs.indiana.edu/ftp/faces === 1447 ================================================================= Title: Internet Oracularities #1447 Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler Date: Tue, 18 Nov 2008 09:09:31 -0500 (EST) To find out all about the Internet Oracle (TM), including how to participate, send mail to oracle@cs.indiana.edu with the word "help" in the subject line. ("Internet Oracle" is a trademark of Stephen B Kinzler.) Let us know what you like! Send your ratings of these 10 Oracularities on an integer scale of 1 ("very bad") to 5 ("very good") with the volume number to oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu (probably just reply to this message). For example: 1447 2 1 3 4 3 5 3 3 4 1 1442 27 votes 26874 49554 22b66 13b93 0275d 13887 29583 27693 67950 17b62 1442 3.2 mean 3.2 2.9 3.4 3.4 4.1 3.6 3.0 3.1 2.5 3.0 --- 1447-01 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Klone (aka Daniel V Klein) The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > To laugh or cry? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } What, no supposition? No groveling or begging? What have we come to } when people think they can just treat The Oracle as if (s)he were } nothing but an A TM machine where they put questions in and get } answers dispensed? } } Yeah, I know you're not supposed to answer a question with a question } but your rudeness in failing to be an adequate suppository burns my } ass, err I mean adequate supplicant irritates me. } } Having had a good (well, some people don't like my sense of humor so } whether it's good is debatable) laugh at your expense, I've decided } to answer your question. } } As Simon and Garfunkel once sang, "Parsley, Sage, Rosemary and Thyme," } I'll spice up the conversation. No, actually, it was "The words of } the prophets are written on the subway walls." } } Not having time to do a survey of walls of subways, I decided to use } a random sample of songs to find what people are singing in regards } to whether to laugh or cry. } } Google shows 3.8 million hits for songs about crying. However it shows } 17.1 million hits for songs about laughing, so according to Google, } laughing is it. But that's not necessarily an accurate count as some } might be reversed or overlap. } } I'll call ones voting not to cry as a vote for laughter, and ones } deriding laughter as a vote for crying } } Some in favor: "You saw me crying in the Chapel...All tears were } tears of joy..." } } On the "don't cry" column: "Don't cry for me Argentina"; "Do what you } want, but little darlin' please don't cry"; And of course, Melissa } Manchester: "You should hear how he talks about you.." (record screech) } "Don't cry out loud, and if you should fall, remember you almost } made it." } } On the laughter side: "Laughing, you took away everything I had to } put the hood on 'D'". Although that might be a vote against. } } I'm tired, I'll just go with Google and vote for laughing. } } You owe The Oracle a new pillow since his last one is sopping wet, } crying himself to sleep since he couldn't really give a good answer } to the question. --- 1447-02 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "J. Avedon" The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh Oracle most wise, > > I was thinking of handing out spaghetti instead of candy for Halloween, > what do you think? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Won't work, they'll think you're trying to poison the kids, and } they'll ship you off to Guantanamo Bay for "re-education" as an } "unlawful combatant," presuming they don't simply strip you of your } citizenship in the process. } } You owe The Oracle some supplies so he'll be ready for Halloween. A } good supply of razor blades and needles will do. I'll throw packages } of razor blades as shaving kits into the older boys bags, and sewing } kits into the girls bags. (What? Did you think I was going to use } razor blades and needles on the candy? For shame on you! I need to } use the phone. Hello, Guantanamo Bay camp? This is The Oracle. I have } information on a domestic terrorist...) --- 1447-03 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "J. Avedon" O Most Reverend Katharine Jefferts-Orrie, > > 'Fess up. Aren't you just a Time Lord masquerading as an "oracle"? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } No, I'm not a Time Lord. I've never even been near a TARDIS. In fact, } I'm not even human. Because it's near Halloween, your question was } submitted to a soulless corporation for a reply. } } Sincerely, Viridian Development Corporation (Colorado), a Colorado } corporation as agent for The Oracle. Not to be confused with Viridian } Development Corporation, a Virginia corporation which is at the same } address in Maryland as the other one; they actually are two separate } but equally soulless corporations. --- 1447-04 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Klone (aka Daniel V Klein) The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Wise Oracle most exalted and eminent, may honor, riches, long > continuance, bond price increasing, common supermarket-blessings, > and pay by the hourly joys be upon you! > > What would be the most appreciated item to hand out to Trick- > or-Treaters this Halloween? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } A coupon good for a discount on future dental work. } } Hey, you didn't say *whom* would most appreciate it, so I'm thinking } of the parents. If you want to ask what the kids would appreciate } more or most, ask the question that way. } } You owe the Oracle some supplies for Halloween. Needles and } razor-blades would be fine. What? You thinking I'm putting them } in candy? You slime; I'm going to make sewing kits. --- 1447-05 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Sid Dabster The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh great and powerful Oracle ... > > Which one of my brilliant lending facilities will save the global > market from meltdown? > > Will it be TAF, PDCF, TSLF, CPFF, MMIFF, or ABCPMMMFLF? > > Or all of the above? > > Sincerely, > Benjamin "Helicopter" Bernanke And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Dear BenBern: } } The answer that my omniscient vision has provided unto you through me } is clear: } } None of the above. } } Not one of the lending organizations you list, nor indeed any that you } may list, will bring about a saving influence to the current financial } situation you mortals find yourself in. } } As always, these matters are not problems that are solved by logical or } external forces - they are caused and cured by the rampant emotions you } humans so dearly cling to: in the case of materialistic monetary } brokering, specifically Greed and Fear. } } The solution you seek lies not in computational economic analysis and } resources; the solution you seek is the Ultimate Realization of } spiritual evolution, where the Witness of your psyche can be heard } above the static of petty egotistical demands for vast differential } improvement over your brothers and panic over the loss of same. } } Hasten thee to an ashram, a kibbutz, a commune, or a Large Group } Awareness Training; seek out a shaman, a mystic, a fakir or a } therapist; become a monk, a Sadhu, a zaddik, or simply a humble person. } Purge yourself of greed and fear, and be an example unto those you } would save. } } Otherwise, you will continue to perpetuate the illusions of greed and } fear, and you can see where that got you. } } Thus hath I spoken, thus it shall be -Oracle --- 1447-06 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Sid Dabster The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Have you thought about starting a religion? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Sure, all the time. When the weather starts getting cold like this, } they're often hard to get started. You push and you crank, and nothing } happens. First thing you do is check the connections to the power } source; sometimes they get loose or rusty. Sometimes you need a little } fire and brimstone to warm things up. If all that doesn't work, it may } have lost its spark, or may need a little spray of inspiration in the } chambers. Don't forget that regular maintenance can often prevent } these kinds of problems in the first place. } } You owe the Oracle a way to STOP certain religions, especially the ones } that are certain they have all the answers. --- 1447-07 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Tim Chew The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Shrewd Oracle most surreptitious and guileful, > > Why did I move into the upscale apartment complex? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Because people that live in small apartments have little room to } complain. --- 1447-08 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Tim Chew The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh Oracle most wise, > > How can I save the cheerleader? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Just like you save everything else: Right-click on the cheerleader, } and select "Save this picture." } } You owe the Oracle your licensing fee. --- 1447-09 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Dave Hemming The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Is it possible that Joseph used cats or introduced cats to > Egypt as part of his efforts to save Egypt from famine, since Joseph > was in charge of administering grain during the famine, and cats were > later prized in Egypt for their ability to protect stores of grain > from vermin? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Good eye supplicant. This -was- mentioned in the Bible, but } due to a typo it all got lost. Here's a pertinent section } from Genesis 37:3 } } 'Now Israel loved Joseph more than all his children, because } he was the son of his old age: and he gave Joesph a *CAT* of } many colors.' } } That's right not a 'coat' of many colors, but a calico cat } of many colors. Once you know this other parts of the tale } make more sense, for instance the part when Joesph's brothers } sell Joesph to passing White Slavers and then: } } They smite Joseph's cat, and killed a kid of the goats, and } dipped the damned cat in the blood; } } And they took the cat of many colors, and they brought it to } their father; and said, This have we found! } } And the Father knew it, and said, Me ow in me heart! It is my } son's cat; the evil beast hath devoured him; I curse all cats } now and forever to say but naught the LOL speak and be laughed } at on the Web of the Interworld!! And the others were amazed at } the zaniness of the curse.' } } You owe the Oracle a leviathan sandwich. --- 1447-10 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Mark Lawrence The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh magnificent Oracle, please tell me which is the best Bond, > Connery or Craig? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Hammermill.