From oracle-admin@cs.indiana.edu Thu Aug 14 14:14:53 2008 Received: from oldmoose.cs.indiana.edu (localhost [127.0.0.1]) by oldmoose.cs.indiana.edu (8.13.8/8.13.8/IUCS_2.84) with ESMTP id m7EIEr8c004602; Thu, 14 Aug 2008 14:14:53 -0400 (EDT) Received: (from daemon@localhost) by oldmoose.cs.indiana.edu (8.13.8/8.13.8/Submit) id m7EIErVK004600; Thu, 14 Aug 2008 14:14:53 -0400 (EDT) Date: Thu, 14 Aug 2008 14:14:53 -0400 (EDT) From: Internet Oracle Message-Id: <200808141814.m7EIErVK004600@oldmoose.cs.indiana.edu> To: oracle-list@cs.indiana.edu Subject: Internet Oracularities #1442 Reply-To: oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu X-Face: )/f9dPAX/dU$1Z!U(/?A PiIJvIOtcN@L.>6,2OKd."T#S7b*{feRf.Kns23^P9.Ak{GdWWv]0*1E}RJ)_idU:(5VkN*_+bB kyrnLfC12B>V/q=z32:05`EcAd.!z#3k]h)O!ZU^E"f`@),(2WT X-Planation: X-Face can be used with www.cs.indiana.edu/ftp/faces === 1442 ================================================================= Title: Internet Oracularities #1442 Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler Date: Thu, 14 Aug 2008 14:14:42 -0500 (EST) To find out all about the Internet Oracle (TM), including how to participate, send mail to oracle@cs.indiana.edu with the word "help" in the subject line. ("Internet Oracle" is a trademark of Stephen B Kinzler.) Let us know what you like! Send your ratings of these 10 Oracularities on an integer scale of 1 ("very bad") to 5 ("very good") with the volume number to oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu (probably just reply to this message). For example: 1442 2 1 3 4 3 5 3 3 4 1 1437 34 votes 478e1 48c82 03ca9 029ad 438c7 19f63 26a79 29b57 16e76 3bc44 1437 3.3 mean 3.0 2.9 3.7 4.0 3.4 3.0 3.4 3.2 3.3 2.9 --- 1442-01 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Klone (aka Daniel V Klein) The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Esteemed and valued Oracle, more precious than the source code > to the cheetah are your words, more noteworthy are your ideas > than the collected works of all the sages, > > Are there any good reasons for me to get out of bed tomorrow? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Of course not! But there are some awesome reasons, such as: } writing the Oracle, reading the Oracle, telling your friends about the } Oracle, making up stories about the Oracle, inventing jokes about the } Oracle (such as that pun about the "cat egg" Oracle, or the "hissed" } Oracle), pretending you ARE the Oracle, etc., etc. Anything that } helps the business, you know! } } You owe me a copy of John Steinbeck's, The Grapes of Wrath. } Mostly because I haven't read it yet. --- 1442-02 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Ian Davis The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Wise Oracle most warm and fuzzy, > > How many electoral votes does Germany have? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } You really missed the point of Germany. Perhaps you didn't see the } picture of Obama's Overalls. } } Overalls are of course the German National Garment. (Remember the German } song, "German, German Overalls" ?) So of course the Germans were happy } with him. Even Lederhosen could not have been better. } } Anyway, even if no one saw him wearing German Overalls, the Germans } thought he did. McCain's too fat to fit into them. } } See, Arnie can't become Presidentator, so you need some other } quasi-German, and Obama's the one, in spite of his Irish name. } } You owe the Oracle the Sudetenland. --- 1442-03 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Ian Davis The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Does the Oracle only speak in cryptic ways that can sometimes be > misconstrued as bad advice? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } The answer to your question, supplicant, can be heard in the sound of } a toaster popping up in a bath. } } You owe the Oracle a Darwin award. --- 1442-04 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Tim Chew The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > A wise scholar is the lettered and knowledgeable Oracle. He is > scholarly and aware of all. > > Is violence unjustifiable in any circumstances? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Absolutely. For example, when Attila The Hun (a relative of mine--his } middle name is the same as my first name) invaded Europe, some people } resisted. This was immoral on their part. A proper Hun-fearing populace } would lie down and die without even having to be touched, sparing } Attila the necessity of violent action. } } You owe the Oracle everything. --- 1442-05 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Ian Davis The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > How do I get Becky to like me? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } {{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}} } The Oracle's 5 Step Guide to Being Likable } {{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}} } } #1. Be Positive! } } The easiest way to become positive is rub yourself } with a balloon, this transfers electrons to the } balloon leaving you with a net positive charge.[1] } This effect works best when the balloon is applied } directly to your hair, & is a short term effect. So } you should do this in the immediate vicinity of } the person(s) you're trying to attract, and to get } the maximum amount of body hair in contact with the } balloon you should do this while naked. Since opposites } attract once you're positive you'll attract negatives. } And we all know the world is full of them. You'll be } surrounded by people in no time! } } #2. Be a Person of Conviction! } } No one likes the wishy washy. Be proud of your convictions. } Keep in mind some convictions make you more likable than } others. Good Convictions include embezzlement, tax fraud, } and cocaine cartel warlord. Bad convictions are child } abuse, necrophilia, and spamming. } } #3. Contribute Something! } } No, we're not talking donating to the Red Cross here. We're } talking contributing to the group or being a part of the } conversation -- not being a lump on a log. Contributing } to the conversation requires wit, and wisdom, and keeping } abreast of world events. It's a lot of work. Best to just } contribute money -- if you're buying round after round of } drinks you are by definition very well liked by all. Bottom- } line: Don't go anywhere without your credit card. } } #4. Don't Smell Bad! } } Not only females, but many men as well will not like being } around you if you stink to high heaven. This very simple } step is sometimes overlooked by "Please Like Me!" novices. } Keep in mind the Three "B"s. Brush teeth, Barf not, and } Butt sounds bad! } } #5. Ape the Successful! } } See that guy or gal over there that's the center of attention? } See what they're doing different than you? Well, duh! Do what } they're doing! Undo all the buttons on your blouse, kick } the butt of everyone in the bar at arm wrestling, pull up in } a Ferrari, be related to the boss. What ever it is, you should } do it too! Ape your way to the top, that's called 'evolution' } my friend. } } }}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{ } } You owe the Oracle some space. } } [1] Yes, it sounds backwards if you lost electrons you'd } think you'd be negative. Thank that idiot Ben Franklin } for naming the charges the opposite of what you'd } think intuitively. But hey, he's on the $100 dollar } bill which makes him -very- likable, so go figure. --- 1442-06 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Klone (aka Daniel V Klein) The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh Most Great and Wise Oracle, whose jokes are always funny or else, > please fill me in on a vital piece of information I seem to be > missing. I have heard of black ants and fire ants, but what exactly > is a consult ant? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Supplic ant, thy knowledge of Formicidae is indeed vast and duly } admirable. This pleases me greatly. As you are aware, ants are a } social insect. Ants live and work in groups, generally called } /colonies/. } } While the red ant and black ant are not terribly specialized, the } consult ant has specialized considerably. Consult ant colonies } are typically engaged in symbiotic relationships with different } species. This is similar to various other symbiotic pairs, like } the anemone and the clownfish. } } The consult ant typically engages in a form of symbiosis known as } mutualism. The host organism, usually a corporation, gains } incrementally from the activities of the consult ants, whereas the } consult ant colony derives all sustenance from the host organism. } This subtlely differs from outright parasitism, where the host } organism derives no benefit and is detrimentally affected, } although if the consult ant colony overwhelms the host organism, } this is what the symbiosis devolves into. } } In general, consult ant colonies do not directly benefit their } host organisms nearly as much as their hosts benefit them. The } consult ants consume resources that would otherwise be consumed by } the host organisms, and it is their waste (such as advertising } materials, network upgrades, or obvious suggestions - the type of } waste is determined by the particular species of consult ant) } which indirectly creates a favorable environment for the host } organism. } } No punchline for you, since consult ants just aren't that funny. } } You owe the Oracle 2 knock knock joke questions and 2 decks of } playing cards with racy pictures. (Lisa is out of town this week, } and some of the guys are coming over.) --- 1442-07 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Klone (aka Daniel V Klein) The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > tell me please, why am I unsuccessful with the ladies ? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Drink provokes, and unprovokes; } it provokes the desire, but it takes } away the performance: drink persuades enboldens, } and disheartens man; makes him stand to, and } not stand to; in conclusion, makes him } sleep, and, leaves him there snoring } while she is left unhugged. } } You owe the Oracle an apology to Shakespeare. --- 1442-08 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Mark Lawrence The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Some people say that I talk too much but don't you believe them because > you see there is a lot of stuff that needs to be said and I'm going to > say it. Like the matter about the guy they traded to Cincinnatti. What a > crock. No one would have done that if they know what was in store! But > you know that's not the only thing. Last winter when it was snowing so > hard, we got out my grampaw's heavy shovel, steel, not one of those > lightweight aluminum ones, and cleared all the snow away from the door > before the doctor came, and what do you know, the Cincinatti player > showed up the next day, so it was quite a surprise. I used to work near > one of those leather places, where they cut and grade leather, and one > day I'm walking by and there in the doorway I see someone who looks just > like the Cincinatti player! But it wasn't him, though, Somebody who > looked a lot like him. > > Look, I got a problem. Sometimes while I'm talking people just walk > away. They are so rude. How can I keep them from doing that? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Have you tried brushing your teeth twice in the morning? } } Once, I started brushing but then I forgot that I had brushed so I } brushed again and then people started telling me how good my teeth were } when I went to Chicago and Indiana, which had a nice pizza place called } Itialianos where everybody was eating bacon pizzas which I think are } disgusting but they enjoy them like anchovies at a disgusting foods } convention which reminds me about the recent Otakon in Baltimore which } I wanted to go to so bad but couldn't because it was august 10 to } august 12 and I was out of town at the moment because I was in Indiana } at this nice pizza place called Itialianos where everybody was eating } bacon pizzas which I think are disgusting but they enjoy them like } anchovies at a disgusting foods convention which reminds me that I } already told you about Otakon but Otakon is amazing and fun and cool } and super-awesome but I couldn't go because it was august 10-12 and } I was in Indiana where there was a nice pizza place called Itialianos } where everybody was eating bacon pizzas which I think are disgusting } but they enjoy them like anchovies at a disgusting foods convention } so I ate a bacon pizza and it tasted like back-hair pizza which I } think would fit in at a disgusting foods convention which reminds me } of Otakon in Baltimore which I missed because I was at Indiana where } there was a nice pizza place called Itialianos where everybody was } eating bacon pizzas which I think are disgusting but they enjoy them } like anchovies at a disgusting foods convention and the bacon pizza } tasted like back-hair pizza which would not fit in at Otakon unless } they made an anime of it because Otakon is an anime convention where } people dress up like anime characters and meet people who draw anime } and they have a grand time and I really wanted to go I would've gone } as Soma Cruz from Castlevania which is an awesome game where you go } into a castle and you get to kill DRACULA but sometimes the plot is } twisted so it's actually YOU who is Dracula but you don't want to be } him so you try to defeat yourself or something, it's really wierd and } I don't have time to explain because I'm eating a bacon pizza which } tastes like back-hair pizza which would fit in at a disgusting foods } convention and people are looking at me talk and talk and talk and I } think some of them must know you because they're walking away rudely } just like you and I think you might even be in this room cursing me } and you at the same time but I don't want to be cursed because I like } talking to people because, as you said, some things need to be said, } like how I missed Otakon because I was in Indiana at this nice pizza } place called Itialianos where everybody was eating bacon pizzas which I } think are disgusting but they enjoy them like anchovies at a disgusting } foods convention and in fact I'm there at the nice pizza place called } Itialianos where everybody was eating bacon pizzas which I think are } disgusting but they enjoy them like anchovies at a disgusting foods } convention right now and people are still staring at me and it's } making me really nervous so I'm going to stop talking as soon as I } am done talking which should be right about now. } } Have you tried forcefully restraining them with Duct Tape? --- 1442-09 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Klone (aka Daniel V Klein) The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Today's plan is to ask stupid questions before they can ask me. Am I > half right? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } No, not at all. Remember, there are no stupid questions, only stupid } people who ask questions and get.... *ZOT* ....zotted. } } You owe the Oracle nothing, really, there's nothing of you left to } give. --- 1442-10 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Tim Chew The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh Oracle most wise, > > When will the bridge be done? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } I told you, I'll have it ready for you as soon as I can! Now stop } bugging me. } } T. I. Oracle, D.D.S. } } P.S.: Do not forget your outstanding bill, which has been forwarded } under separate cover.