From oracle-admin@cs.indiana.edu Thu May 24 11:01:30 2007 Received: from moose.cs.indiana.edu (localhost [127.0.0.1]) by moose.cs.indiana.edu (8.13.6/8.13.6/IUCS_2.80) with ESMTP id l4OF1TZh029252; Thu, 24 May 2007 11:01:30 -0400 (EDT) Received: (from daemon@localhost) by moose.cs.indiana.edu (8.13.6/8.13.6/Submit) id l4OF1TBR029250; Thu, 24 May 2007 11:01:29 -0400 (EDT) Date: Thu, 24 May 2007 11:01:29 -0400 (EDT) From: Internet Oracle Message-Id: <200705241501.l4OF1TBR029250@moose.cs.indiana.edu> To: oracle-list@cs.indiana.edu Subject: Internet Oracularities #1422 Reply-To: oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu X-Face: )/f9dPAX/dU$1Z!U(/?A PiIJvIOtcN@L.>6,2OKd."T#S7b*{feRf.Kns23^P9.Ak{GdWWv]0*1E}RJ)_idU:(5VkN*_+bB kyrnLfC12B>V/q=z32:05`EcAd.!z#3k]h)O!ZU^E"f`@),(2WT X-Planation: X-Face can be used with www.cs.indiana.edu/ftp/faces === 1422 ================================================================= Title: Internet Oracularities #1422 Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler Date: Thu, 24 May 2007 11:01:18 -0500 (EST) To find out all about the Internet Oracle (TM), including how to participate, send mail to oracle@cs.indiana.edu with the word "help" in the subject line. ("Internet Oracle" is a trademark of Stephen B Kinzler.) Let us know what you like! Send your ratings of these 10 Oracularities on an integer scale of 1 ("very bad") to 5 ("very good") with the volume number to oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu (probably just reply to this message). For example: 1422 2 1 3 4 3 5 3 3 4 1 1417 35 votes 67e44 13dc6 78c53 0ba95 19h71 13aba 67f34 03cd7 48d64 33db5 1417 3.2 mean 2.8 3.5 2.7 3.2 2.9 3.7 2.8 3.7 2.9 3.3 --- 1422-01 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Mark Lawrence" The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > My dictionary tastes like paper And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Eat a thesaurus next. They've got more flavor. --- 1422-02 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Tim Chew The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Wise and Powerful Oracle, > > Where does this cave go? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Caves don't go anywhere! Man, now wouldn't that be an unpleasant } experience, to be in a cave and have it get up and walk away? --- 1422-03 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Tim Chew The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Orrie, I thought we've technologically advanced beyond having an > Italian Mafia. This is old school 20th century rubbish. Why do we still > have them? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } I know what you mean. Like, for instance, the Catholic Church has a } German pope instead of the usual Italian one. So you're betting it's } time for a German mafia. Well, I've got news for you. They tried that. } It was called the Nazis. It didn't work. } } You owe the Oracle a plan for avoiding any suggestion of a Polish } mafia. --- 1422-04 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Klone (aka Daniel V Klein) The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Place. order x*nax order x*nax Order order x*nax Instead of our > current volunteer order x*nax were treated 100% guaranteed to work for > you - We\'ve seen order x*nax at all > order x*nax > [url=http://******************]order x*nax[/url] http://*************** > > Your buy x*nax t*stes on Course buy x*nax buy x*nax If buy x*nax > You Want buy x*nax to Get C*m Increase, This is advisable because told > me to wait 5 > buy x*nax > [url=http://****************]buy x*nax[/url] http://**************** > > Drive, hence order x*nax order x*nax its while there order x*nax is > a European device, which to thank you and order x*nax gain immediate i > ntuition. order x*nax one or all > order x*nax > [url=http://******************]order x*nax[/url] http://*************** > > Plastic and buy x*nax silicone buy x*nax holder is fastened buy > x*nax buy x*nax around the pubic bone. or diseases allows the that whil > e there is buy x*nax a success > buy x*nax > [url=http://****************]buy x*nax[/url] http://**************** And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Zadoc! Come quickly! Remember that science fair project that we got as } tribute last week? It seems to have exploded. Please clean up the mess. --- 1422-05 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "J. Avedon" The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Do I have anything better to do then pester you with > superficially-profound-but-ultimately-inane questions? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } No. Ask away. } } } } } } [sigh] --- 1422-06 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Ian Davis The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > BINK BINK BINK BINK BINK > > The binking indicator shows that you have a Super-Important message > from the world's must humble and grovelling supplicant. > > I have especially hand-coded a binker into your display to get your > undivided attention. > > Do not ignore this message! > > What's the best way for me to meet girls without cluing them in that > I'm really rather stupid and badly bathed? I mean, no matter how much > I wash, they sort of move away from my like I was a goat or a polecat. > > Maybe if I met them over the Internet. Could you suggest a website or > something, where I could be sure they weren't a trained elephant, but > they at least couldn't smell me until they had fallen for my charms? > > Oh, and what do you think they might find charming about me? Besides > being a good embedded RT coder, I'm damn super at tensor calculus and > statistics, and I speak Harrapan and Etruscan like a native. But I get > the feeling that's not quite the ticket to romance. And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Dear Binky, } } Don't be ridiculous. Any girl who doesn't fall for tensor calculus and } Etruscan isn't a girl you want to know - trust the almighty Oracle who } knows all. And polecats are frankly adorable - who doesn't love fluffy } little stoat analogues? And you can make coats out of them! What's not } to like? } } You just aren't hanging around the right places, that's all. There's a } girl out there for you, but she's sitting at home wondering what kind } of man could ever love a woman who only gets hot for tensors. Of } course, it is immediately obvious that if both of you sit at home } forever, nothing will ever happen (see the lost-in-the-supermarket } problem) so the solution is to start raiding houses. (Intermediate } steps are left as an exercise for the reader.) } } And what, precisely, do you have against trained elephants? } } Signed, } The Oracle } [incarnated as The Amazing Nellie] --- 1422-07 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Tim Chew The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Dang it, Orrie! Why didn't you stop me from doing something stupid? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } The all-knowing "Protecting Humans From Themselves Agency" was } canceled in 6006 B.C. due to excessive workload. } } You owe the Oracle a reenstatement of the universe's } torture-preventing Safety Lockouts --- 1422-08 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Klone (aka Daniel V Klein) The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > What would happen if I drank a mixture of sweet sweet Mylanta in a bid > to gain immortality? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } The Internet Oracle amanuensed from his gigantic vats of knowledge: } } And what, pray tell, shalt thou do with immortality? I look upon my } surroundings and find a pantheon of gods suited to do one thing, which } is so exciting that they may easily forsee doing it ever after. Thor is } just so simple-minded as to be amused with the throwing of hammers and } such, and hence finds happiness in the eternity. When thy heartburn of } life is extinguished for the gushing stomach of immortality, what will } your brain do? If it has no need to fuel its fire with fattening, } greasy foods of all kinds, then surely it will rebel in the fleshy } carton it carries itself around in. Then the zotting must start. } } And how long will this immortality last? Extinguished artificially, the } heartburn of life will not be content in its station in life. It wishes } to live again: to burn, or not to burn? To surely burn. Yes! To burn or } not to burn? } } To burn or not to burn: that is the question: } Whether 'tis more contenting in the intestines to suffer } The gas and pain of greasy pizza, } Or to take Mylanta against a sea of grease, } And by swallowing emulsate them? To burn: to live; } Yet more; and by burning to say we end } The heart-burn and the thousand natural burps } That guts are heir to, 'tis a consummation } Devoutly to be wish'd. To burn, to live; } To live: perchance to answer questions: ay, there's the runs; } For in that life of burning what questions may come } When we have ascended the cliffs of Olympia, } Must give us pause: there's the respect } That makes calamity of so much gas; } For who would bear the indigestion of time, } The cold pizza, the proud man's costuming, } The fangs of despised fat, the stomach's delay, } The insolence of the gut and the urns } That patient merit of the unworthy takes, } When he himself might his quiet make } With a bared Mylanta? Who would indigestion bear, } To grunt and sweat under a weary run, } But that the dread of something after burn, } The undiscover'd country from whose bourn } No traveller returns, puzzles the gut } And makes us rather bear the indigestion we have } Than fly to others that we know not ot? } Thus Mylanta does make cowards of us all; } And thus the native hue of a face emeting } Is sicklied o'er with the brown cast of thought, } And enterprises of great pitch and moment } With this regard their merits lose appeal, } And lose the name of action. Soft you now! } The fair Lisa! Nymph, in thy orisons } Be all my guts remember'd. } } You owe the Oracle the Mylanta that you were going to drink. --- 1422-09 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Ian Davis The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Hello, Your site is great. Regards, Valintino Guxxi And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Thank you. It's the finest web design Guatemalan child laborers can } produce with a twenty-hour work day. --- 1422-10 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Tim Chew The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > ocean of blood And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } No.No.No. That will scare her, think more along the lines of } "the delicate red rose of puberty", or "the first faint blush } of womanhood". } } You owe the Oracle a lunar calendar.