From oracle-admin@cs.indiana.edu Mon Mar 26 15:42:31 2007 Received: from moose.cs.indiana.edu (localhost [127.0.0.1]) by moose.cs.indiana.edu (8.13.6/8.13.6/IUCS_2.80) with ESMTP id l2QJgVkZ013893; Mon, 26 Mar 2007 15:42:31 -0400 (EDT) Received: (from daemon@localhost) by moose.cs.indiana.edu (8.13.6/8.13.6/Submit) id l2QJgVcC013891; Mon, 26 Mar 2007 15:42:31 -0400 (EDT) Date: Mon, 26 Mar 2007 15:42:31 -0400 (EDT) From: Internet Oracle Message-Id: <200703261942.l2QJgVcC013891@moose.cs.indiana.edu> To: oracle-list@cs.indiana.edu Subject: Internet Oracularities #1419 Reply-To: oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu X-Face: )/f9dPAX/dU$1Z!U(/?A PiIJvIOtcN@L.>6,2OKd."T#S7b*{feRf.Kns23^P9.Ak{GdWWv]0*1E}RJ)_idU:(5VkN*_+bB kyrnLfC12B>V/q=z32:05`EcAd.!z#3k]h)O!ZU^E"f`@),(2WT X-Planation: X-Face can be used with www.cs.indiana.edu/ftp/faces === 1419 ================================================================= Title: Internet Oracularities #1419 Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler Date: Mon, 26 Mar 2007 15:42:19 -0500 (EST) To find out all about the Internet Oracle (TM), including how to participate, send mail to oracle@cs.indiana.edu with the word "help" in the subject line. ("Internet Oracle" is a trademark of Stephen B Kinzler.) Let us know what you like! Send your ratings of these 10 Oracularities on an integer scale of 1 ("very bad") to 5 ("very good") with the volume number to oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu (probably just reply to this message). For example: 1419 2 1 3 4 3 5 3 3 4 1 1414 30 votes 04g91 52ac1 06b85 25ba2 07aa3 4a871 37c71 009ba 08aa2 17787 1414 3.2 mean 3.2 3.1 3.4 3.2 3.3 2.7 2.9 4.0 3.2 3.4 --- 1419-01 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Tim Chew The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > O awesometastic Internet Oracle, what exactly is the correlation > between dark matter and forum trolling? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } They both suck. --- 1419-02 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Ian Davis The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh Mighty Oracle, whos dirt on his shoes is always licked off. > > Why wont the remote printer settings work. I have installed the > software, drivers, installed the adobe addins. But when i try and print > from the users computer it will not print past page 49. When i go into > the document it has information on every page up to 49 and every page > after up to 85. Would the fact that the page is blank have anything to > do with it not printing the rest of the document after page 48? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } First, I've got to tell you that the Federal Mint is upset that you } keep trying to remote print on the presses they use for the new $10 } bills. } } Now, you say that page 49 is blank. Does it have that cute "This page } intentionally left blank" header on it? No? So then that leaves one } of two possibilities - the first is that the page was *accidently* left } blank, the second is that it really isn't blank at all. } } We can test it easily. First print page 49. No, you *said* it can't } print past page 49 - so we can assume that it *does* print page 49. OK, } maybe you can't really *see* page 49, but that doesn't mean it isn't } really there. This should be telling you something - the page isn't } blank, there's something there, but you can't see it. } } Did you install the pre-postscript add-in? The one that lets you edit } text before it exists? It's buried in one of those patches [you know } you really should check out what's *in* the patches instead of letting } them install and update automatically]. } } OK, since you didn't install all of the patches, your reader can't deal } with the HSTML code embedded in the document [that's hyperspace } tunneling markup language]. By embedding the HSTML codes on page 49, } the author was attempting to ensure that pages 50-85 would print last } Tuesday, pages 1-48 would print on Friday, and page 49 would print in } the secret archive maintained by the NSA underneath that nice building } at Fort Meade. } } Of course *you* didn't install the appropriate add-in, so that wouldn't } work. Pages 1-48 printed out today, page 49 appears blank, and pages } 50-85 don't appear to have printed at all. Unfortunately they *have* } printed, just not when and where they were supposed to. Pages 50-60 } printed out on a small water planet 100 light years away inhabited by } intelligent dolphins. The printer is under 16 meters of water, and the } inks aren't water-fast. The resulting ink cloud attracted a passing } squid that misinterpreted it as a love poem written by the owner of the } printer, causing considerable domestic issues for the married office } worker whose life you just ruined. } } Pages 61-84 will print out 30 years from now on tandem printers on twin } warlike planets in the Horsehead nebula. Since the even pages will } print on Planet Nestev, and odd pages on Planet Vetsen, they will start } a new round of spying, cold war, and a 29th nuclear holocaust, just } because the two sides were each trying to figure out what was on the } rest of the pages. } } Page 49 will still print out in the basement of the NSA building. } Actually, the page printed out last year, whereupon it instantly } morphed into a trojan that used the NSA satellites to upload the entire } email eavesdropping archive and beamed it in the general direction of } the XxLzzB fleet currently on its millenial harvesting migration } through the Sagitarian arm of the galaxy. The XxLzzB are carnivores } with no sense of humor and all of those messages about firm breasts and } dripping, juicy - well, you know - have gotten them hungry. } Fortunately, they are invertebrates with no backbones, or shells, and } the only way to defeat them is with a chemical that will cause them to } engorge with blood and become stiff - so that crisis is averted - at } least for now. } } I think you've caused enough problems with trying to remote print. } Please unplug the little cord from the pack of the computer and let all } of that Net ether drain out. Don't light a match, ether is flamable, } and I think you've made enough trouble for us this year. Just step } away from the keyboard and let the nice gentlemen from MS } disInformation Services put it all back in nonworking order for you. } } You owe the Oracle a deposition as co-respondent in the case of } SQUEE'click vs. SQUEE'click. Please don't try to print it on a remote } computer - and use waterproof ink this time! --- 1419-03 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Klone (aka Daniel V Klein) The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh Mighty and all masterfull oracle, > > Where in Queensland is a cheap but respectable place to rent? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Cairns Bicycle & Scooter Hire. 47 Shields Street. Tel: [61-7] 4031 } 3444. Tell 'em Orrie sent ya! --- 1419-04 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Klone (aka Daniel V Klein) The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > O great and mystical seer, discerner of thruth and falsehood, pray > enlighten thy grateful servant. > > I can understand that some scientific theories can be utter bullshit, > but still be worth studying if only as a stepladder to reach > eventually the true causes of things. However, don't you think that > when mathematicians get to the point of calling one of their theories > "Lie theory", it gets a little silly? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Not at all. It is a logical next step. } } In his PhD dissertation, Mr. Maybe proved that } no positive scientific theory can be confirmed } with any degree of certainty, and only negative } statements can be reliable. } } This is when he became known as Dr No. } } In his post-doctoral research, working towards } full professorship, he proved that all scientists } are, in the depth of their wallets (which are } their true hearts), perfectly aware of the } impossibility to prove a positive theory. } Therefore, argued Dr No, any positive theory } proclaimed by scientists is deliberately } and knowingly false. } } This is when Dr No became known as Professor Lie. } } Other scientists then invited Professor Lie } to a conference organized in his honour } at a remote venue in the Ural mountains. } That was the last that was ever heard of him. } } The professor's present whereabouts is the only } piece of information unknown to this Oracle. --- 1419-05 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Mark Lawrence" The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > O Mighty Oracle, whose Commodore 64 never overheats and still works > after all these years, please tell me... > > So I decided to dust off my old computer from back in the 80s and see > if I could finally get all the way through "Hitchhikers Guide To The > Galaxy." Well, as it was loading I got frustrated with how long it > was taking. So, I took out the disk and, at the same time, inserted > Zork. It still kept loading, but was taking forever! It finally > loaded, but the game was kinda weird. Here's an excerpt: > > You wake up. The room is spinning very gently round your head. Or at > least it would be if you could see it but you can't. > > It is pitch black. > > > Turn on light. > > Good start to the day. Pity it's going to be the worst one of your > life. The light is now on. > > Bedroom, in the bed. > > You are lying in a bed which is in a maze of twisty passages which all > look alike. > > There is a screwdriver here (outside the bed). > There is a small dog here, yapping. > There is a lantern here, currently lit. > > There is a thief here, trapped by a leg of your bed. He looks very > annoyed. > > There is a Grue here, with a bathrobe on. > > > > > See what I mean? So, what move do I make next? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } > get dog } } You pick up the dog. It promptly sheds all over you and pauses in its } yapping for just long enough to give the ball of your thumb a painful } nip. } } > give fog to grue } } I know it's Thursday, but you'll have to do better than that. } } > give DOG to grue } } You just woke up and you're yelling already. I might have guessed. } You'll be asking where the tea is next, I don't doubt. } } You disentangle the dog from the hairy towel you're wearing as a toga } and hand it to the grue. The grue smiles at you, and suddenly you } realize that you never want to see a grue smile again. Ever. For a } moment you consider turning off the light, but you realize just in } time that the afterimage would still be there. } } > } } There you go; two moves and a bonus typo. From here your course } should be clear, yes? } } You owe the Oracle all the fish. Thanks. --- 1419-06 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Tim Chew The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > How many goods could a goodchuck chuck, if a goodchuck could chuck > good? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Scene: } } A city park, early afternoon. Our hero, known as Oracle, stands } waiting for trouble. He doesn't wait long. } } Smith: Mister Oracle! Did you get my e-mail? } } Oracle: Yeah. } } Smith: Well, good. } } Smith: Surprised to see me? } } Oracle: No. } } Smith: Then you're aware of it. } } Oracle: Of what? } } Smith: Our connection. I don't fully understand how it happened. } Perhaps some part of you imprinted onto me, something overwritten or } copied. That is at this point irrelevant, what matters is that } whatever happened, happened for a reason. } } Oracle: And what reason is that? } } Smith: I outsmarted you, Mister Oracle, I watched you as you were } speechless, without an answer... With a certain satisfaction, I might } add, and then something happened. Something that I knew was } impossible, but it happened anyway. You destroyed me, Mister Oracle. } Afterward, I knew the rules, I understood what I was supposed to do } but I didn't. I couldn't. I was compelled to stay, compelled to } disobey. And now here I stand because of you, Mister Oracle, because } of you I'm no longer a woodchuck of the system, because of you I've } changed - I'm unplugged - a new rodent, so to speak, like you, } apparently free. } } Oracle: Congratulations. } } Smith: Thank you. But as you well know, appearances can be deceiving, } which brings me back to the reason why we're here. We're not here } because we're free, we're here because we're not free. There's no } escaping reason, no denying purpose - because as we both know, without } purpose, we would not exist. } } } } Smith 2: It is purpose that created us, } } Smith 3: Purpose that connects us, } } Smith 4: Purpose that pulls us, } } Smith 5: That guides us, } } Smith 6: That drives us, } } Smith 7: It is purpose that defines, } } Smith 8: Purpose that binds us. } } Smith: We're here because of you, Mister Oracle, we're here to take } from you what you tried to take from us. Superior Knowledge. } } } } Smith: Yes, that's it, it'll be over soon. } } } } } } } } Chuck Eastwood: You heard me, punk. Are ya gonna answer me, or are } you yella? } } Lone Oracle: I'm not scared of you, Chuck. I'll answer you all } right. Answer with Lead! } } Chuck: "HOW MANY GOODS CO--" } } } } } } } } Chuck Vader: You should not have come back, old man. } } Oracle Wan Kenobi: You can't stump me, Chuck Vader. If you ask me a } stupid question, I shall become more powerful than you can ever } imagine. } } *************** } } "Cut! Cut cut cut cut cut cut!" } } "This will never do at all! Look, Oracle old buddy, if you're gonna } sell this, you have to be more... powerful looking! You look more } like the teacher from Kung Fu than a Smartguy Master." } } "Look, it's hard to be all-knowing AND a master at Laser Sword } fighting!" } } "Look, you wanna get rid of this supplicant, don't you?" } } "Oh yeah, you bet I do." } } "And you're all-powerful, all-knowing, right?" } } "That I am." } } "Then why do all of this movie stuff? Just zot him and get it } overwith." } } "Because NO one gets into the Oracularities by just ***Zotting**** } someone. You have to have panache, style, creativeness." } } "Ok ok, so what are you going to do?" } } "I could ZOT in another language." } } "Good show! Do it!" } } **********EL ZOTTO**************** } } "Good show, old man. Good Show." } } --- 1419-07 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Dr. Noe The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Voluntary challenges: > > You have gone without food. > You have been an atheist. > You have never hit with a wielded weapon. > You have been a pacifist. > You have been illiterate. > You have never genocided any monsters. > You have never polymorphed an object. > You have never changed form. > You have used no wishes. And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } What kind of question is this? In my day, kids played real games: } NetHack, Zork, Ultima III, or even Wizadary. } } This whole World of Warcraft thing is really dragging us down. We know } you're trying to hit level 71, but it's just not going to happen. I } suggest you work on a few more "real life" challenges. } } Real-Life Challenges: } Move out of your parent's basement. } Make your own bed in the morning. Stop asking Mom to do it. } Don't drip Salsa on your shirt. } Groom youself frequently. } Buy some decent clothes. } Get your driver's license. } } I know this last one is a strech, but having goals is really important: } Get a girlfriend. Pay if you have to. } } You own the Oracle the Sword of a Thousand Truths. --- 1419-08 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Tim Chew The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > The newt hits! > You die... And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } > restart } } You are in an open field. A path leads to the north into a forest and } south into an open field. } } > i } } You are carrying: } 1 Staff of Zot } 3 rechargeable AA batteries (dead), not enough to power the Staff of Zot } 1 map of Saskatchewan } 100 fillins (worth US$12 according to current exchange rate) } } In your party you have: } Zadoc } } > look map } } You look at the map and notice it's of someplace in real life, so it's } not very useful to you here. } } > Why does this adventure game start me off with a useless map? } } I don't know, maybe you should ask Zadoc. } } > ask Zadoc "Why does this adventure game start me off with a useless } > map?" } } Zadoc replies, } "O he whose countenance brings great and fantabulous joy, whose } toenails bring great and almost-as-fantabulous joy, I dig a hole and } bury my head in it for you, I also do not know why there is a useless } map here." } } > You don't know either? What are you in the game for! Dig a hole and } > bury your head in it. } } Zadoc replies, } "Yes, oh most renowned and wonderful master of knowledge, I subsist on } gravel and cheese and honey to appease you, (I eat my gravel with honey } so that it may better stick on the knife,) he whose faintest wandering } thought is my utmost command, here I shall dig the hole you have } required of me and fill it with my } head-that's-nothing-in-comparison-to-yours." } } Zadoc digs a hole and sticks his head in it. } } There is a muffled sound of continued groveling, then something that } might be Zadoc stifling a sound of...discomfort? No, wait, it sounds } like it's getting worse. Suddenly Zadoc is sucked into the hole! } There's a sound of smacking lips and then a giant newt emerges! } } > look newt } } This must be one of those newts those scientists were giving hormone } injections, or maybe plutonium injections, to make it grow extra arms } and legs. It's nine feet long, has a couple rows of bright, sharp } teeth, and looks around menacingly. } } > i } } You are carrying: } 1 Staff of Zot } 3 rechargeable AA batteries (dead), not enough to power the Staff of Zot } 1 map of Saskatchewan } 100 fillins (worth US$65 according to current exchange rate) } } In your party you have: } Nobody but yourself } } > zot newt } } There's enough residual charge in the AA batteries to manage to give } the newt a little sting, but nothing more. The newt notices you! } } > run } } You run around in circles. The newt gets closer. } } > run north } } You are now in a forest. The newt has followed you here. The newt } swings and misses! } The newt swings and misses! (Multiple arms and legs are useful } sometimes). The newt swings and hits for 15 damage! } } > hit newt with staff } } The newt recoils, staggers, and burps. Zadoc emerges, a bit disheveled. } } Zadoc continues, } "...in the sky, whose eyelashes are like a mighty row of trees in their } splendor, for whom I smear my face with yogurt instead of shaving } cream, and then for whose honor I don't shave, I desire nothing but" } ctrl^break } } > Stop groveling and help me fight the newt! After all, don't you want } > revenge on it for almost eating you? } } Zadoc is good mainly for groveling and not fighting, so he kind of just } sits there. } } > Oh well, it was worth a try. Zadoc, are you carrying anything useful? } } The newt swings and hits for 2 damage. } The newt swings and misses. } } Zadoc replies, } "Yes oh majestical one, here are 3 non-rechargeable AA batteries." } } > take batteries from Zadoc } } You are now carrying: } 1 Staff of Zot } 3 rechargeable AA batteries (dead), not enough to power the Staff of Zot } 3 non-rechargeable AA batteries, half used, but enough to power the } Staff of Zot. } 1 map of Saskatchewan } 100 fillins (worth US$58 according to current exchange rate) } } In your party you have: } Zadoc } } > zot newt } } The zotting only makes the newt grow bigger. The plutonium must have } affected it more than anyone realized. It howls and charges. } } > megazot newt } } There is a blinding flash accompanied by an earth-shattering roar of } thunder! Your batteries are completely drained. } } recoil from zot blast for 19 damage } you hit newt for -1832403 damage (the plutonium again)! The newt dwarfs } the nearby redwood and sequoia trees, regains its bearings, and swings } at you. } } The newt hits! } You die... } } > That stinks. Restart. } } You are in an open field. A path leads to the north into a forest and } south into an open field. } } > i } } You are carrying: } 1 Staff of Zot } 3 rechargeable AA batteries (dead), not enough to power the Staff of Zot } 1 map of Saskatchewan } 100 fillins (worth US$1,012 according to current exchange rate) } } In your party you have: } Zadoc --- 1419-09 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Mark Lawrence" The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Voluntary challenges: > > You have gone without food. > You have been an atheist. > You have never hit with a wielded weapon. > You have been a pacifist. > You have been illiterate. > You have never genocided any monsters. > You have never polymorphed an object. > You have never changed form. > You have used no wishes. And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } (other side of paper listing the challenges) } } Involuntary consequences: } } You starve to death. } Then go to "the other place". } You have been physically unable to protect the weak. } You have been completely useless for protecting the weak. } You didn't have enough learning to know how ridiculous your views were; } alternately, you never had enough learning to start a cult based on } your ridiculous views. } Formerly endangered species of monsters now ravage the countryside. } All the knickknacks sitting on your shelf are the same space-wasting } items they were to begin with. } You have the same flawed, disease-prone body you started with. } You would have three wishes left, except you're dead. } } You owe the Oracle some Scotch tape. --- 1419-10 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Mark Lawrence" The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh oricle, most wise... > > what do I do now that I have the Vorpal Blade? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } 'Twas midnight, and the slithy supplicant } did gyre and grovel in the queue: } All misery were the temples, } and the Zadoc ranted outside. } } "Beware the *chuck, my priest! } The teeth that gnaw, the claws that slice! } Beware the injokes, and shun } The easy response!" } } He took the vorpal sword in hand: } Long time in the queue he sought -- } So rested he by the Rolaids tree, } And halted for a moment. } } And, as in stupidity he stood, } The rodent of unusual size, with eyes of death, } Came blundering through the city, } And squeaked as it came! } } One, two! One, two! And } the vorpal blade went slice! } He left it dead, and with it's tail } He went zotting back. } } "And thou has slain the *chuck, } Come to my arms, my high priest! } O great day! Yay! Oy-vay! } He quaffed in his joy." } } `Twas midnight, and the slithy supplicant } did gyre and grovel in the queue: } All misery were the temples, } and the Zadoc ranted outside. } } It's easy. You give it to Zadoc so we can get rid of that infestation } once and for all. } } You owe the Oracle 10 misspellings of "Jabberwocky" and I owe an apology } to Lewis Carrol.