From oracle-admin@cs.indiana.edu Mon Jul 10 16:32:23 2006 Received: from moose.cs.indiana.edu (localhost [127.0.0.1]) by moose.cs.indiana.edu (8.13.6/8.13.6/IUCS_2.74) with ESMTP id k6AKWMqb008693; Mon, 10 Jul 2006 16:32:22 -0400 (EDT) Received: (from daemon@localhost) by moose.cs.indiana.edu (8.13.6/8.13.6/Submit) id k6AKWMum008691; Mon, 10 Jul 2006 16:32:22 -0400 (EDT) Date: Mon, 10 Jul 2006 16:32:22 -0400 (EDT) From: Internet Oracle Message-Id: <200607102032.k6AKWMum008691@moose.cs.indiana.edu> To: oracle-list@cs.indiana.edu Subject: Internet Oracularities #1408 Reply-To: oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu X-Face: )/f9dPAX/dU$1Z!U(/?A PiIJvIOtcN@L.>6,2OKd."T#S7b*{feRf.Kns23^P9.Ak{GdWWv]0*1E}RJ)_idU:(5VkN*_+bB kyrnLfC12B>V/q=z32:05`EcAd.!z#3k]h)O!ZU^E"f`@),(2WT X-Planation: X-Face can be used with www.cs.indiana.edu/ftp/faces === 1408 ================================================================= Title: Internet Oracularities #1408 Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler Date: Mon, 10 Jul 2006 16:32:10 -0500 (EST) To find out all about the Internet Oracle (TM), including how to participate, send mail to oracle@cs.indiana.edu with the word "help" in the subject line. ("Internet Oracle" is a trademark of Stephen B Kinzler.) Let us know what you like! Send your ratings of these 10 Oracularities on an integer scale of 1 ("very bad") to 5 ("very good") with the volume number to oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu (probably just reply to this message). For example: 1408 2 1 3 4 3 5 3 3 4 1 1403 36 votes 3bc91 14ec5 07de2 37f92 07dc4 4h843 4j850 4bd62 3cd80 6b883 1403 2.9 mean 2.8 3.4 3.3 3.0 3.4 2.6 2.4 2.8 2.7 2.8 --- 1408-01 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Christophe The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > So I hear that Kelsey Grammer is supposed to play the Beast in the > next Xmen movie - is it true that all they did was dye his body hair > blue? And does the guy who played Niles have a role in the movie? I > really liked him. And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } The Answers to all the world's woes are here, darn near } free for the taking. And what matters weigh heavy on } the minds of mankind? Movie gossip! Okay, fine. } } Hollywood is all a titter over PETER JACKSON's newest } /hush hush/ project tentatively titled "The Big Blabbering } 'O'" This /super secret/ film supposed rips the robe } off the private workings of, you heard it here first, THE } INTERNET ORACLE. The Project, originally slated to be shot } in CANADA by cult maven BRYAN FULLER who's life is being } ruined by the ghosts conjured up for the unreleased final } episode of WONDERFALLS was snatched up by the losing weight } due to cancer PETER JACKSON at the behest of women's underwear } wearing IAN MCKELLAN's new boy toy GAEL GARCIA BERNAL who } recently sent to a orphanage in PERU his love child by sex } addict NANCY CARTWRIGHT. Our /exclusive sneak peek/ casting } list show the following /wow wow wow/ actors are involved: } } The Oracle: JACK BLACK } Zadoc: BRAD DOURIF } Lisa: LAURA HARRIS } OG: DWAYNE DOUGLAS JOHNSON } Kendai: BRAD PITT } The Kinzler: Himself } Priestess Chevalier: PARIS HILTON } Priestess Al'y'ce: ANGELINA JOLIE } Priestess Paul Kelly: LARRY WACHOWSKI } Preist Tim Chew: CARROT TOP } } Talk about verisimilitude!!! } } That's all for now, baby! } } Ciao! } } You owe the Oracle some mouthwash. --- 1408-02 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Tim Chew The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > And can I teach him how to walk on walls, and ceilings too? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } No, ma'am. Your new husband can be trained to lower the toilet seat, } and maybe to take out the trash once in a while, but anti-gravitic } feats are beyond his ability. } } However, please be aware that he is available for reprogramming of } certain circuits if you just befriend and manipulate his mother. } } Enjoy your new marriage! --- 1408-03 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Christophe The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > I'm tired of asking questions. We all know the Oracle is great. > Just tell me what I owe you and we can get on with our lives. And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } You owe the Oracle a question. --- 1408-04 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Tim Chew The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Hallo, Orrie. It is I, Elizabeth, Queen of England > and all that. Just celebrated my 80th birthday, as you > already know. > > I was wondering if you could do a slight favour for me, > and please keep this request and your response to it > totally quiet. We cannot have any bad stuff get out; > there is certainly enough already. > > I would prefer not to have to see Camilla. It would be > very convenient if you could subtly arrange things so > that when Charles comes to visit me, his wife somehow > cannot come along. Or if she does, that she decides to > remain outside in the motor car. Also, at public > functions where she and I must both attend, arrange > for her to be kept out of my eyesight. > > Thank you for your kindness, > > ER And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Liz, } Belated birthday greetings. Eighty - a mere babe! (Speaking of you } as a babe, have I ever mentioned how much I love your image on the } Columbia Pictures logo? Our little secret, of course.) } } The surest way for me to prevent your ever having to see Camilla would } be to blind you, but that could have undesirable side effects. } } If you could somehow persuade her, as a little favour to you, to submit } a question to me about a certain large ground squirrel, I would have } an excuse to instantly and completely rid you of this problem. } However, it's unlikely you could pull that off without arousing her } suspicion. } } I think our best approach is to introduce into Camilla's life a } charming man with great discretion, to distract her from Charles. Now } that Camilla's place is established-after thirty years-gods, but that } woman is persistent!-she can relax. A torrid affair with someone } handsome, powerful, and dashing would give Camilla an excuse to let } Charles go see you alone, reminding him sweetly of how unfond of her } you are. This would make her appear considerate and self-sacrificing } while actually giving her the opportunity to carry on with her new } lover. So, who's handsome, powerful, dashing, and willing to have an } affair with a plain but sensual woman? Hmmm. I think I know just the } man. } } You owe The Oracle an introduction to Prince Charles' wife, and under } just the right circumstances, if you get my drift. Anything for the } Queen of England! Ta! --- 1408-05 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Tim Chew The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh Most Ironically Logical and Logically Ironic Oracle, > > How can one apply Hofstadter's Law for an accurate estimate of project > completion time? Recursion doesn't seem to help. And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } It's simple: make the time required for the project infinite. That } way, no matter how much time it takes to complete, you will always } meet the deadline with copious (yea, infinite) amounts of time to } spare--if, in fact, you finish the project. When your superiors see } what an efficient job you've done, they will promote you. If this } doesn't work, blame Murphy's Law. } } You owe the Oracle a pay raise. --- 1408-06 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Christophe The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh great and powerful Internet Oracle, who was around even before > Internet, > > How can I send an e-mail message in something other than MIME > format, in order to rid the message of confusing clutter? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } *The Oracle appears from backstage, wearing black pants, a striped } shirt, white face paint, and a beret.* } } *He squats down, as though sitting on a chair.* } } *Stretching his fingers for a moment, he hold his hand out before him } and wiggles them as though typing.* } } *His right hand reaches over to the side, and seems to curl around a } small round object, perhaps with an invisible rolling ball or } imaginary red laser in its bottom. He hurls the unseen object away } from him in disgust.* } } *Returning to typing, he stretches the fingers of his left hand apart } repeatedly, as though reaching for uncomfortable emacs meta key } combinations* } } *Smiling with satisfaction, he taps his finger on a final imaginary } key, stands, bows, and returns backstage.* } } You owe the Oracle a new copy of pine and a baguette. --- 1408-07 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Tim Chew The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > "People's Republic of China" > > "Democratic People's Republic of Korea" > > "Democratic Republic of Germany" > > "Democratic People's Republic of Congo" > > "National Democratic Ultimate Supreme Soviet Socialist People's > Republic Motherlaand LoveCountry of the People's Republic of North > Nistritaria!!!" > > -------------------------------------------------------- > Aw comeon, who are they kidding? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } ORACLE DECLARES SELF "PRESIDENT OF ORRIESTAN" } --------------------------------------------- } Bloomington, IN (AP) - The Internet Oracle, an Internet entity based at } the University of Indiana, today declared independence from the United } States, naming himself President of the United People's Federal } Democratic Republic Commonwealth State of Orriestan. } } Zadoc Worm, who introduced himself as the Prime Minister of Orriestan, } explained the situation at a press conference held in a building on the } university campus named the "Oracular Temple". } } "For the past seventeen years, the most brilliant and wise Oracle has } been giving advice to people around the globe. In exchange for his } invaluable services, his subjects have sent him a considerable wealth } in tribute. Recently, the level of tribute has been sufficient to allow } the Oracle to form his own nation, so I am delighted to announce the } foundation of the United People's Federal Democratic Republic } Commonwealth State of Orriestan." } } While Prime Minister Worm would not go into specifics, he stated that } Orriestan claimed over 40,000 subjects, or "supplicants" worldwide. The } country's territory consisted of the Oracular Temple, plus various } unnamed pieces of land around the world, which had been gifted to the } Oracle in payment for his answers. } } Worm also clarified why the Oracle had not attended the press } conference himself. "He felt the conference would go much more smoothly } without the need for every question to be preceded by a prolonged } period of groveling, and succeeded by a demand for tribute." } } Orriestan has already opened relations with Sealand. Ambassador Og } Ogsson has been sent there to "keep him out of our hair for a while." } } Worm stressed that Orriestan was capable of defending itself against } military action. "We're not worried. The Staff of Zot will obliterate } anyone who tries to invade." He dismissed concerns that US President } Bush would attack over this weapon of mass destruction. "Dubya couldn't } even sell an invasion of a real country. How do you think he's going to } explain invading a fictional one?" --- 1408-08 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Klone (aka Daniel V Klein) The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > The Oracle's words fall like a nocturnal bird of prey among us, > snatching glimpse of understanding from our feeble utterances, > carrying them back to his nest where he digests them. O great > producer of Pellets of Wisdom, share a bit of Truth with me, I > beseech you! > > Will I end up on jury duty again? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } You enter the Pearly gates. On God's left hand side sits St Peter, who } welcomes you. On God's right hand side sits Jesus, and on his face you } can see infinite sorrow and compassion. On top of God sits the Oracle. } } > PETER: Welcome, gentle soul, to the gates of Heaven. Here you will } be judged. Repent now, or be damned forever. } } > JESUS: Now, don't be so cruel, Pete, for Pete's sake. Do not worry, } gentle soul, for the first shall be last and the last shall be first. } You are safe here. } } > ORACLE: Now, wait a minute, I am the one who decides here, and I } decide I'm first! } } > GOD: What? I thought I was the one whmmmph!!!! Mmphh!!!! } } > ORACLE: Better..... } } > YOU: I...I....Am I dead? What's happening? } } > ORACLE: No, you are not dead, you grovelled correctly and therefore } you shall live a few years more. But this is what will happen when } you die. It's a sneak peek. } } > PETER: What? But that's completely against the rules!!! } } > ORACLE: Again, who makes the rules? Mmh? } } > PETER: You..... grmmbllblb.... } } > YOU: So, ehm, Oh mighty Oracle, Am I being judged? } } > JESUS: You are, and we are the jury. } } > PETER: Well, when I signed up for this, there was no mention of a } skinny-looking, pale-skinned glass-wearing "Oracle" sitting on top } of God and making up rules!!! } } > ORACLE: Are you questioning my authority, Peter? } } > JESUS: Calm down Peter, he's the one who's the Boss now. Sorry..... } } > PETER: Yeah, how come he's the Boss? Wasn't the bearded guy good } enough? } } > GOD: MMpph!!!!!!! } } > JESUS: He has the staff. He who has the staff, we shall obey. } } > YOU: Wait, I feel I'm in the middle of some theological debate I'm } not sure I want to get involved into here..... } } > PETER: No, you stay here! You'll be witness! You, Oracle, what does } this staff do anyway? I wanna see! } } > ORACLE: Sure? } } > PETER: Yeah! } } > ORACLE: Well, there it is. *ZOT* } } > JESUS: YOU KILLED PETER! YOU BASTARD! } } > YOU: I never asked for this! Why I am here!!!! } } > ORACLE: Yes you asked. By sending in a question, you agree to } receive the answer. } } > YOU: What does killing Peter at the Pearly gates have to do with } jury duty?!?!?! } } > ORACLE: Well, now that there's an opening.....You owe the Oracle } jury duty at the pearly gates. For eternity. --- 1408-09 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Ian Davis The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh Oracle most wise, whose toenails I am not worthy to clip, why does > my brain feel like it's on fire? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Global warming. } } You see, burning stuff in itself in not a bad thing, it's part of the } carbon cycle. The problem is when you're burning fossil fuels, then } you add carbon to the atmosphere that was trapped underground before. } The trick is to burn stuff that originally got its carbon from the } atmosphere such as to keep the cycle closed. Ethanol from corn is } not a bad idea, but it's expensive, and the reason it's expensive is } that it's boring to grow. You have to till the land, plant the seeds, } take care of the plants, harvest them, and then you have to start again } next year. Plus, you have to live in Iowa. Drilling oil, in comparison, } is fun: you dig a hole, then you pop open a beer and watch the money } flow to your pocket for the next fifty years. Some people figured } that the best way to create a cheap source of clean fuel was to find } something that people enjoy doing, and actually will do for free, } and that has a carbon-based result. The answer is obvious: babies. } People enjoy making babies (note I said MAKING, not HAVING, but the } result is the same). Of course, they then let them grow a few years, } so that they accumulate carbon, and at some point combustion starts } (typically in the brain, but that's coincidental) and the heat is } used to run a electricity plant. } } Thank you for saving the planet. --- 1408-10 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Ian Davis The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh great and wise Oracle, help this simple-minded fool understand > this trivial mystery. If Dec and Oct are prefixes meaning 10 and 8 why > is December and October the 12th and 10th months? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } The month names we use now, December, July and such are Roman } in origin. The Romans started the year in March, which makes } sense. Spring and all that. They also started the year then } because it was the time to start war campaigns, it gave you } the maximum number of days to fight before winter started. So } March is named after Mars, god of wars, and to 'March' is to } go to war. Seven months after that is 'Sept' the seventh month, } 'Oct' the 8th, 'Nov' 9, 'Dec' 10th. December was the scary month, } dark with short days, the sun seemed to be dying. And so on } Dec 25 the death of Darkness was celebrated, as by then the days } seem to be lengthening. But in March all was well as the sun came } back to life. And the celebrated it as the renewed birthday of } the undying sun. } } But when Rome turned it's back on the elder gods and went } with the new kid, they flipped it around and made the death } of darkness day the birthday celebration and the birth of the } sun the death day. And so they shifted the start of the year } to the end of Dec, and never bothered to change the names. } } You owe the Oracle a calendar of naked river nymphs. } } What? Oh, yeah. Funny, need to add something funny, } something pertinent, hmm. . . } } Q: Who was the goddess of night? } A: Nox. } Q: Who? } A: Nox? } Q: Who? } A: NOX! NOX! } Q: Who's there? } } Q: Who's Jupiter's Wife? } A: Juno. } Q: No, that's why I asked. } } Huh? OK, one more. } } The scene was Mount Olympus, where Bacchus, the Greek } god of wine, had thrown a party for a pair of visiting } Roman deities -- Ceres, the goddess of agriculture, } and Janus, the two-faced god of doors and beginnings. } } Everyone over did it, more or less. Ceres at one point } was staggering and turning in circles; Janus, equally } submerged, was trying to dance with her. Bacchus feared } that the pair might fall over, so he went to steady } them. This marked the first time that a whirled Ceres } was held with a double-header. } } Get it? Whirled Ceres? Double... oh forget it. Sheesh.