From oracle-admin@cs.indiana.edu Thu Mar 16 15:56:26 2006 Received: from moose.cs.indiana.edu (localhost [127.0.0.1]) by moose.cs.indiana.edu (8.12.11/8.12.11/IUCS_2.72) with ESMTP id k2GKuP0L023446; Thu, 16 Mar 2006 15:56:25 -0500 (EST) Received: (from daemon@localhost) by moose.cs.indiana.edu (8.12.11/8.12.11/Submit) id k2GKuPHS023444; Thu, 16 Mar 2006 15:56:25 -0500 (EST) Date: Thu, 16 Mar 2006 15:56:25 -0500 (EST) From: Internet Oracle Message-Id: <200603162056.k2GKuPHS023444@moose.cs.indiana.edu> To: oracle-list@cs.indiana.edu Subject: Internet Oracularities #1403 Reply-To: oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu X-Face: )/f9dPAX/dU$1Z!U(/?A PiIJvIOtcN@L.>6,2OKd."T#S7b*{feRf.Kns23^P9.Ak{GdWWv]0*1E}RJ)_idU:(5VkN*_+bB kyrnLfC12B>V/q=z32:05`EcAd.!z#3k]h)O!ZU^E"f`@),(2WT X-Planation: X-Face can be used with www.cs.indiana.edu/ftp/faces === 1403 ================================================================= Title: Internet Oracularities #1403 Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler Date: Thu, 16 Mar 2006 15:56:14 -0500 (EST) To find out all about the Internet Oracle (TM), including how to participate, send mail to oracle@cs.indiana.edu with the word "help" in the subject line. ("Internet Oracle" is a trademark of Stephen B Kinzler.) Let us know what you like! Send your ratings of these 10 Oracularities on an integer scale of 1 ("very bad") to 5 ("very good") with the volume number to oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu (probably just reply to this message). For example: 1403 2 1 3 4 3 5 3 3 4 1 1398 50 votes 4ig75 5dh78 07kj4 18dhb 5fia2 5bg99 8fd86 39eg8 027ni 3dee6 1398 3.2 mean 2.8 3.0 3.4 3.6 2.8 3.1 2.8 3.3 4.1 3.1 --- 1403-01 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "J. Avedon" The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oracle, you're wise and great. > your wisdom's given to you by fate. > Will you tell me why I sneeze, > whenever someone eats pepper, please? > The doctor says I'm not allergic, > but still I sneeze. It's most disturbing. > Even when I'm inside the mall, > if someone opens pepper down the hall, > my eyes puff up, and soon: A-choo! > Tell me, Oracle, what can I do? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Sneezing, or as those eggheads down in the Otolaryngology Department } like to call it "Sternutation", is caused when something irritates the } nerve endings on the inside of your nose. It can be anything pollen, } dust, pepper, presidential inaugural addresses etc. This irritation } makes your nose want to "Bend it like Beckham" and kick the little } tickling buggers out of there, hence the sneeze. Unfortunately, this } info does not help you much as a sneeze leaves the mortal nose at } approximately 100 miles per hour. (Be thankful you are a mortal. Do } you remember Pompeii? Hephestus breathed in a little too much sulfur } and look what happened. It took seventy years to clean up the mess and } by then no one wanted anything to do with the place. Too bad too cause } there was this great little place where you could get an incredible } crepe with fried apples..... Ahhh!) Anywho, the Oracle advises you to } stay away from pepper and always carry a clean hankerchief. } } You owe the Oracle a crepe with fried apples. --- 1403-02 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Ian Davis The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Long Playing and Hard Working Oracle, you are one groovy cat, > > Do muons know anything, anything at all? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } As we all know, with wisdom comes knowledge and with knowledge comes } understanding and you only get wisdom when you age. As muons have a } half-life of 2.2 microseconds, then we have to assume that its actual } life occurs after they get out of college at about .003 ms. At about } .007ms they have settled down and gotten married and panic when their } spouse tells them that they are going to need to buy a minivan. At } approx. 1.3ms, the kids are leaving the nest and they think their } half-lives are going to be getting back to normal. It takes them a } while to figure out that it isn't easy to go from being a full time } care giver and provider for a few lazy, worthless beatnik, particles to } a cool, swinging active particle again themselves. Then they come to } the conclusion that they will never be cool again. This is the } beginning of wisdom and the cycle continues from there. By 2.0ms, they } are settled in assisted care facilities for aging particles and their } no good kids don't visit and they spend their time wondering where they } left their glasses. At this point, most of the understanding gained by } the muon is lost in the effort to remember what they had for breakfast. } (Oatmeal with raisins, by the way. And their glasses are on the } beside table where they were last time.) When you get to this stage, } it isn't a good idea to ask a muon for the secrets of the universe or } the answers to tomorrow's physics test. It will just frustrate you and } confuse them, if they can hear you that is. } } You owe the Oracle Gordan Freeman's crowbar. --- 1403-03 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Mark Lawrence" The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Merciful but unfair Oracle, you zotted my brother but you spared me. > Now all I have for a brother is a pile of dust. Do I still have to > invite the pile of dust for Christmas dinner? What if my wife vacuums > him up? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } I am surprised supplicant that you have not parsed out the logic of } this, all the information you need exists in popular culture. } } Your brother is dust, and as you know, "everything is dust in the } wind", whether that wind is from the vacuum, or trees sneezing. As } long as your brother is dust in the wind, you are powerless. The } answer is simple. } } You must break the wind. } } Do this before Christmas dinner though, because you simply cannot break } wind after you cut the cheese. } } You owe the Oracle the keys to that apartment you let your now dusted } brother use. Not the fancy one you live in, the Flat You Lent. --- 1403-04 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Klone (aka Daniel V Klein) The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > FORE! And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Ah, you must be referring to the race from highland Papua, New Guinea. } Their population was ravaged in the early 1900s by a prion disease } known as Kuru, or the laughing sickness. The disease's spread was } exacerbated by the practice, common among the Fore, of mortuary } cannibalism, eating their dead. The disease-- } } *WHAM-CLUNK-bounce-CRASH-tinkle-tinkle* } } IDIOT! You nearly hit me! And you ... you ... you broke my window and } shattered my vase! FOOL! I should have *known* better than to try to } answer a question submitted without groveling. } } See, *this* is why I always require a minimum of thirty seconds of } groveling before answering a question. From now on, the minumum will } be *forty-five* seconds of groveling. } } And you ... of all the nerve. What punishment shall I exact from you? } Hey, stop running. Get back here. *Poof* That's better. Stick around a } while. } } Hmm, zotting you would be letting you off easy. No, you need a nice, } slow, painful death. No, even death is too good. You need some form of } eternal suffering. } } An eternety sucking lava through an iron straw? Technical support work } until the end of time? } } No, something better. } } I sentence you to an eternety of listening to Britney Spears } recordings and Tom Cruise interviews. } } You owe the Oracle a new golf club. --- 1403-05 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Klone (aka Daniel V Klein) The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh great, supreme Oracle, creamiest of the creamy, sweetest of the > bittersweet chocolates made by Godiva and other fine chocolatiers, > please indulge my taste for knowledge and offer your sage wisdom: > > I went to an expensive, private, prestigious (EPP) law school in the > hopes that (a) I would grow up in three years and figure out what > I really wanted to do in life (b) I would land a job as a hotshot > corporate suit making so much money that I didn't care that I lost > my soul or (c) that the world would come to a calamitous end prior > to my graduation, precluding the need to repay my debts. > > None of these has happened, and graduation fast approacheth. What, > oh Oracle, should I do with my life? It seems like my dream jobs of > elven wizard an d orcish warrior are difficult to find in the want ads. And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } You are obviously not looking in the right papers. Let me dig out my } most recent copy of Fantasy Weekly, here. Ah.... here are a few that } might appeal to you. } } -Wanted: Young Naive Hobbit Warrior willing to ferry dangerous objects } through orc infested territory to destroy said objects and save middle } earth. Great luck is a must, big watery eyes are a bonus. Contact } Elrond at the Last Homely House (111) 435-6732. } -Wanted: Magician willing to undertake a dangerous ocean voyage for the } chance of treasure immeasurable. Contact Sinbad at (534) 673-9797 for } an interview. } - Wanted: Fairy Godmother needed to protect small kingdom from invading } barbarians and turn pumpkins into carraiges. Magic wand is a necessity, } wings aren't needed, reliable transportation is required. Contact Cindy } for details (333) 432-1434. } } If these don't appeal, then you may be stuck being a lawyer. You can } still fight evil, but these demons will be wearing Armani suits and } Rolex watches. } } You owe the Oracle one ring to rule them all. --- 1403-06 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Mike Nolan The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > He is Oracle Man! > > Has the greatest mind! > Can see all, is never blind! > Does not sleep at all, > try to trick him, you will fall! > > Everyone wants him! > He just stares at the world! > Enjoying his venegance > that he already did unfold! > > Now the time is here > for Oracle Man to spread fear! > Venegance from Indiana! > Supplicant squashed like banana! > > Heavy staff of ZOT > makes his victims very hot! > Running as fast as they can > Oracle Man strikes again! > > (OK, I know, but for us mere mortals, rhyming isn't _that_ easy.) > So what would differently coloured sabbaths be like? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } OK but your rhyming just stinketh. } This has just got me to go thinketh. } The words are too corney for childreth. } It just all sounds much too abhorreth. } The pitches don't even mesh welleth. } In all it just really plain } sucketh. } Please make sure that it gets spell checkith. } And above all, please have it go make some senseth. } } Now to answer your question. } } Simply take the input of the exact number of degrees measured in a } prograde direction along the ecliptic - of - date from the exact center } of the actual solar disk at the exact moment of the first external } tangency of the apparent upper solar limb to the sky above the apparent } visual horizon of any day - in - question which is an exact positive } multiple of seven Earth rotations since the Creation of the Heavens and } the Earth at the exact location-in-question , to the First Point of } Aries-of-date and then throughputing that figure by dividing that } figure by three hundred and sixty degrees ( while counting any exact } conjunction of the First Point of Aries - to - date with the center of } the actual solar disk at that said time which might be true as zero as } opposed to three hundred and sixty ) and then throughputing that } result by multiplying said result by ( one / three million and three } hundred and thirty and three thousand and three hundred and thirty and } three and one-third ) ^ th of one meter and then throughputing that } result by adding that result to ( one / two million and five hundred } thousand ) ^ ths of one meter plus Titanic and finding the exact } color of the electromagnetic continuum which has the exact wavelength } of this result ( which is measured in meters ) as the said result , } therefore reaching the absolutely , glaringly obvious solution output } color which will be valid for the whole continuuity of exactly one } full Earth rotation from such said event . } } There you have it.The official formula for calculation of the official } sabbath color of any sabbath past,present,and future. } } You owe the oracle the an official color for tomorrow which will be } glaringly obvious to all sapient life forms. Also a ZOT... --- 1403-07 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Tim Chew The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Help me, O Great and Whatever Oracle! > > My grandmother says, "One hand washes the other." > > My mother disagrees, and says, "One eye watches > the other." I think she's got too much spying > on the brain. She used to work for the NSA, the > NSS, the FBI and the FDR. Or something like that. > Now she reads Tom Clancey novels. > > If either of them right? If so, what use can I > make of their wisdom? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Usually I'd select all of the above, because that's how I aced through } a college exam after copying off this harvard wannabe next to me. } Though I do admit her answers were superbtaculous. On to your } question, when an elder gives you this so called "advice", you can } always pretend to listen, this method is called "One ear out the } other". I shall show you how to use this method, it's as old as rocks. } } First you smile and nod. And quote to the elderly } "Yea...oh....really? ....wow....oh?...yea..." repeat this phrase until } they stop talking. Works everytime, and about how useful that advice } your granny gave you?...I dunno, I was using the technique above, } except I wasn't using the proper wording.....yea....oh....really?...supe } r...wow....yea....great....uhuh....yea.... } } You owe the oracle hearing aids. --- 1403-08 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Klone (aka Daniel V Klein) The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > There have been women named Tuesday (like Tuesday Weld) and > of course April, May and June. > > Can you give me a few brief biographies of women named > Wednesday, Thursday or Saturday? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } I don't care if Monday's blue } Tuesday's grey and Wednesday too } Thursday, I don't care about you } It's Friday I'm in love } } Monday, you can fall apart } Tuesday Wednesday broke my heart } Thursday, doesn't even start } It's Friday I'm in love } } Saturday wait } And Sunday always comes too late } But Friday never hesitate... } } I don't care if Monday's black } Tuesday Wednesday heart attack } Thursday never looking back } It's Friday I'm in love } } There you have them all. } } You owe me a posting in alt.sex.goddess.lisa.friday --- 1403-09 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Tim Chew The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oracle, you are earth-shattering in importance, rumors of your > every move dictate the rise and fall of the world stock market, > you are the stuff of which history is made. > > Was Daisy as sad she seemed? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } The Internet Oracle wrote: } } She didn't get a carriage on her wedding day and she had to leave her } wedding on the back of a two person bicycle. Wouldn't you be sad about } that? } } You owe the Oracle a penny in his shoe. --- 1403-10 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Mike Nolan The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh great Oracle, who is always truthful and honest to a fault. Most > magnificent Oracle, who understands fully - nay, omnisciently! - the > full legal implications of the matter. The world-renowned Internet > Oracle! ...whose prints were found on the staff!! > > Where were *you* at 7:30 a.m. on February the 2nd??!! And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } On Earth. You too? Oh, the chances.