From oracle-admin@cs.indiana.edu Wed Feb 22 10:06:43 2006 Received: from moose.cs.indiana.edu (localhost [127.0.0.1]) by moose.cs.indiana.edu (8.12.11/8.12.11/IUCS_2.72) with ESMTP id k1MF6gBl003221; Wed, 22 Feb 2006 10:06:42 -0500 (EST) Received: (from daemon@localhost) by moose.cs.indiana.edu (8.12.11/8.12.11/Submit) id k1MF6g2J003219; Wed, 22 Feb 2006 10:06:42 -0500 (EST) Date: Wed, 22 Feb 2006 10:06:42 -0500 (EST) From: Internet Oracle Message-Id: <200602221506.k1MF6g2J003219@moose.cs.indiana.edu> To: oracle-list@cs.indiana.edu Subject: Internet Oracularities #1402 Reply-To: oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu X-Face: )/f9dPAX/dU$1Z!U(/?A PiIJvIOtcN@L.>6,2OKd."T#S7b*{feRf.Kns23^P9.Ak{GdWWv]0*1E}RJ)_idU:(5VkN*_+bB kyrnLfC12B>V/q=z32:05`EcAd.!z#3k]h)O!ZU^E"f`@),(2WT X-Planation: X-Face can be used with www.cs.indiana.edu/ftp/faces === 1402 ================================================================= Title: Internet Oracularities #1402 Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler Date: Wed, 22 Feb 2006 10:06:30 -0500 (EST) To find out all about the Internet Oracle (TM), including how to participate, send mail to oracle@cs.indiana.edu with the word "help" in the subject line. ("Internet Oracle" is a trademark of Stephen B Kinzler.) Let us know what you like! Send your ratings of these 10 Oracularities on an integer scale of 1 ("very bad") to 5 ("very good") with the volume number to oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu (probably just reply to this message). For example: 1402 2 1 3 4 3 5 3 3 4 1 1397 44 votes 4cda5 29gd4 4gg71 069ef 2gad3 2dl44 17ke2 47cd8 16gi3 18ci5 1397 3.2 mean 3.0 3.2 2.7 3.9 3.0 2.9 3.2 3.3 3.4 3.4 --- 1402-01 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "J. Avedon" The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > So I'm on this diet, trying to loose wieght, and I eat one little 1.5 > oz chocolate bar and I gained 15 pounds. What do you think... > WADE-A-MINIT not only do I gotta grovel, but you might be visiting > Europe or some other difficult place where they count funny. I'd better > translate my measuremints into the System International. That's > backwards because it's French. If it was Austrian it would be upside > umop. > > So let's see, there's 8 furlongs per fortnite. And 12 pence in a > shilling, and a shilling extra in a guinea. So if we divide by the area > of the Governor of Massachusetts, and subtract the reminder, we come > pretty close to the right answer. Of course I like your answer, too. > What is it? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Yes, I can see where you would get confused. Let's see: there are 16 } ounces in a pound, but a pound buys 1.45 euros; silver is measured in } troy ounces; Helen of Troy's face launched a thousand ships; it's 20000 } leagues under the sea and three miles in a league; I would walk 500 } miles, and I would walk 500 more. On the other hand, there are 13 } players in a rugby league side, and rugby league is a popular sport in } Australia. Australia, of course, is also known as Oz, which is the } abbreviation for ounce. This means we have to turn everything upside } down, which means selling the euro, but the exchange rate has risen in } the meantime, so we finish up gaining 15 pounds. Simple, isn't it? } } You owe the Oracle a silver and emerald ring. --- 1402-02 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "J. Avedon" The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh Great and Magnificent Oracle, whose toenail clippings *never* fly > off onto the floor and stab you in the foot in the middle of the night; > whose knowledge in all subjects (even Hydrodynamic Modulation > Voltammetry) is unparalleled; and who always spells onomatopoeia right > the first time......forgive my humble utterances but: > > What's up with the sudden love of w**dch*cks? > > In the Oracularities Digest #1401-10 one of your incarnations said the > process for digestification includes: > > "4. Scrutiny Committee checks question and answer for: > c. Incitement to racial, religious or woodchuck hatred." > > and > > "6. If c., Scrutiny Committee notifies Homeland Security and/or Humane > Society. Duration: 1 week before the black helicopters arrive." > > What's this? The oracle wanting to protect the foul and evil W**dch*ck? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } As you know, the woodchuck is a hearty yet crafty species, defeating } the attempts of hundreds, if not thousands, of supplicants and acolytes } to comprehend its ways. The Oracle has grown tired of listening to } the moans, groans, and whines of the defeated and has thus initiated } an intensive two-part program intended to put an end to the ongoing } conundrum. } } First, the Oracle has banned all research (except its own) into } the ways of the woodchuck. This measure will serve to protect the } innocent would-be investigators and to clear the way for the Oracle's } own research. } } Second, the Oracle is taking steps to understand the mysterious ways } of the woodchuck using Hydrodynamic Modulation Voltammetry. As you } no doubt are aware, this electroanalytical technique is an extremely } sensitive way of detecting and comprehending trace species within a } solution, using high intensity ultrasound to modulate a mass transfer } regime in a periodic manner. } } The Oracle will place deep vats of an experimental (and tasty!) } solution in regions known to be inhabited by woodchucks. The vats will } be labelled "Free Drinks" to attract woodchucks, since, as everyone } knows, a woodchuck is a sucker for a free drink. When a woodchuck } climbs the vat to claim its libation, it will pass by an automated } toenail clipper. When triggered, the clipper will snip off a bit of } the woodchuck's toenail. At this point, two events will occur with } near simultaneity: } } 1. The woodchuck, startled by the onomatopoeic sound of its toenail } being snipped, will fall into the vat of solution, becoming (thanks } to being the only one of its kind in the vat) a trace species. } } 2. The toenail will strike the clapper on an ultrasonic bell and } rebound, transferring its mass into the vat. } } As the toenail transfers into the vat, it will pass through the region } of high intensity periodic waves produced by the bell, allowing the } Hydrodynamic Modulation Voltammetry apparatus to detect and comprehend } the woodchuck. } } So fear not, brave supplicant! As always, the Oracle has plans within } plans, and soon the ways of the woodchuck will be understood. --- 1402-03 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Klone (aka Daniel V Klein) The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh Oracle most organised, who knows in but an instant all that is > contained within the Archives of the Oracularities Digests: > > Why is the search engine for the Digests broken? Us mortals are having > a hard time finding things. > > And hey.... shouldnt you know its broken anyway, what with being > omniscient? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Omniscience has nothing to do with it. I disabled the Digest search } feature on purpose. } } People have been searching the archives for gems of wisdom rather than } ask me directly. I confess I get a little cranky when certain questions } are repeated, but in general I prefer to be asked. Especially after a } good grovel. Besides, no Oracle likes to have his predictions archived. } It's too easy for skeptics to go back and prove how wrong... I mean, to } quibble over wording to make it sound like I was wrong. } } You owe the Oracle a disappearing inkjet cartridge. --- 1402-04 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Mike Nolan The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Delightful but occasionally overbearing Oracle, you > know so much that it makes my head hurt. I get > flummoxxing brain spasms just trying to think about how > someone can know all the omniscient stuff that you > must have crammed into your huge skull. Your forehead > probably bulges out beyond your nose. Croikers! > > I need you to tell me some of the deep, dark secrets > of the Universe, especially as related to socks and > horses. The easy one is the socks. When the dryer > eats one of a pair of socks, where does it go? > > How does my horse know that it I need him to hold > absolutely still for three seconds (for instance), > so that I can clip the lead rope to his halter, or > so that he won't get hurt when the vet gives him an > injection, that he should toss his head at about 2.25 > seconds? And what does my horse know about the socks? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } You see... The rule says Oracle replies to only one question at a } time. That saves us all from confusion. Occasionally, he may decide } to answer to two questions at once. The answer is usually quite } disturbing and entangled in mystery. In the most rare of all } occasions, he would take the frivolity to reply to THREE questions } and the answer is so revealing and sacred that the Internet, being } the medium delivering the message, could get scared and try to hide } the words. } } So, here your THREE-question answer goes: } } Dear pondering user, } } Having ........... in the ........... would ........... in the rest } of ..........., causing ..........., which in turn } causes ..........., which leads to the quite strange phenomenon } of ........... . Being a smart guy, you should always ........... } and ..........., before ........... giving it to ........... . As you } see, it's quite simple, yet unorthodox solution. Having lost a lot } of ........... myself, I'm very happy with it. Of course, never } forget to ........... the ........... . } } As for the 2.5 seconds rule, it has something to do with the stupid } way horse's brain works - ........... and ........... the ........... } all the time. } } Happy to help, hope you come back. } Yours, } ........... --- 1402-05 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Christophe The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Honey? Do I look fat in these? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Drone #1: Check it out. } } Drone #2: Yeah, the queen is talking to her food again. } } You owe the Oracle a rimshot. --- 1402-06 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Christophe The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh good *ZOT*er of evil, evil *ZOT*er of good and mad *ZOT*er > of everything! Uniter of chaos and law! You who make Pelor > look like a level 0 gnome and J.R.R Tolkien look as > unimaginative as a supplicant asking about w**dch*cks! > > So, our DM got sick and we need a stand-in. Are you available? > Free pizza, bring your own beer! And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Fortuna, can you come here a second? Yeah, lean your ear in. } psspsspsspss - What? No! - psspsspss. psspss. psspsspsspss? } psspss - Leave Lisa out of this! - psspsspsspsspss - drunken nerds?! - } psspsspssPSS! } But I don't want to deal with them! } psspsspsspss? pleeease? } Great, thanks. Yeah, I have dice. } -- } Well supplicant, I had a talk with Lady Luck. Yup. Just for you. } } Is the Internet Oracle available as the DM? } *rolls dice* } No. } } Oh well. } } But I'll stop by for pizza. And you owe me a beer. --- 1402-07 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Christophe The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Honey, where did you put my socks? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Across the Circling Seas, beyond the Burning Sands of Kahl- "Tom } Cruise" (his real name is !Xf'gugryaFloprple) is in fact an alien } from the fourth planet of the Tau Ceti system sent here as part of } a group to pave the way for the invasion in 2008. The plan calls } for each member of the group to gain fame and/or notoriety (other } members of the groups include Michael Jackson and Paris Hilton) so } that when the invasion commences, every human being will be glued } to their television 24 hours a day watching the escapades of these } devilish clever infiltrators without noticing what is really going on. } Sic transit gloria mundi. } } You owe the Oracle a sleeping mask and a pair of ear plugs. --- 1402-08 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Dave Hemming The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Wise Oracle most mentally turbulent and intellectually obscure, > > Where is the best place to hide a dangerous idea? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } The usual place is inside an innocuous bromide or cliche. } } All's well that ends well, and the end justifies the means. --- 1402-09 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Dr. Noe The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Why is it that when I am a supplicant I cannot get > away with omitting a grovel, but when I am an > incarnation, the Oracle forgives the lack of a grovel > nearly all the time? > > Oh, I almost forgot. I grovel before the Oracle, > bowing so low that I trap my nose beneath his awesome > throne. Don't flush. And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } The problem you are describing is akin to the problem one encounters } when trying to reconcile the Old and New Testaments of the Christian } Bible. On the one hand, you have the traditional Oracle, a mail } program written by Steve Kinzler made sentient by the countless queries } from thousands of worldwide contributors; on the other, a bitter, } irritable, somewhat impotent deity created from the psychic } frustrations of thousands of science-fiction-and-fantasy nerds, } complete with a prepackaged mythology and the accouterments thereof. } } It is up to you to decide which is the "true" Oracle. } } You owe the Oracle a CPU upgrade and some additional disk space. --- 1402-10 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Ian Davis The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh, great, wonderful, fantastic, absolutely stupendous, super, > awesome, lovely, gorgeous, sexy, majestic, large, better than the > president of squaresoft, the great and powerful wizard of Oz. Please > answer my question with your great and powerful...answer. > How many sugarcubes does it take to get to the moon? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Not many, if you do it right. To get to the moon with sugar cubes, you } would heat them to 122 degrees centigrade (252 degrees Fahrenheit), } and then allow them... oh, but you didn't ask how to do it, just how } many sugar cubes it would take... } } Sorry about that. Did you ever notice how certain people give you } long-winded answers to the most simple questions? } } For instance, just yesterday I was on my way to the grocery store with } a group of my friends (I often go to the store with my friends, just } to keep them company) and someone asked, "how much do eggs cost?" The } simple answer would have been "$2.25 a dozen" -- not a very good } price, I realize, but we weren't going to a low-price grocery store. } We were headed to the Handy Mart on Main Street, not far from the } University of Indiana -- maybe you've been there? No? Well, it's very } convenient, but not exactly low cost. The eggs there are $2.25 a } dozen, and they usually only have a couple dozen, and sometimes } they're a week old! But that's not why we usually go there. In fact, } best to avoid the eggs. } } Anyway, someone asked about the price of eggs, and my friend Millie } tried to answer, but she started talking about the types of eggs they } had, and the cost of different types of packaging, and how you could } really get a much better price at a different store, even if you } bought the same size package, but if you were willing to buy 30 eggs } at a time you could do EVEN BETTER, because of bulk pricing... by the } time she got this far, she completely forgot what the original } question was. Can you imagine it? } } It's not just Millie, either. Sometimes I even find myself doing it. } Why, just this morning someone asked me what movies were playing at } the local theatre, and I started to tell them what movies there were, } but somehow I got to comparing current movies with classic movies from } the 1980's or 1970's or 1960's or even the 1950's, and even the movies } of the 1940's, which mostly weren't in color (or colour in England -- } I wonder why the Brits spell it "colour" but Americans spell it } "color?" Omniscience means that I know everything that CAN be known, } but I don't know that, because nobody else knows either. So there are } limits to omniscience.) But anyway, the movies of the 1940's had some } really great plots. A lot of these movies get remade, and it seems } like the only advantage of the new version is the color, because the } acting sure isn't any better, and sometimes when they try to "update" } the plot they end up ruining it! Don't you hate it when that happens? } But anyway, after I had been talking for a few minutes I suddenly } realized that I hadn't even told what all the movies were! I guess } that happens to everyone sometimes, but I guess I do it a lot, and } certain people have an EXTREMELY irritating habit of telling me } EXACTLY how irritating my habit can be. I hate that! They could just } say "thank you," that's a universally recognized way of hinting that } you don't want any more answer. But no, they have to be SOOOO RUDE! } Why do people enjoy rudeness so much, so long as they're not on the } receiving end? It's because they're NOT on the receiving end, I guess. } } Anyway, back to what you asked... about getting to the moon? I think } all you really need is a few sugar cubes. If you want, you can ask me } how to get there with sugar cubes, or how many you would need, or even } what brand of cubes would be best, but I don't want to be presumptuous, } since that's not what you asked. } } [Incarnation AllanW] } } That reminds me... } } You owe the Oracle a list of all of the movies of the 1940's and } 1950's and 1960's where the main characters were in the kitchen, not } necessarily using eggs or sugar cubes... like the one where George } Burns was trying to talk to Gracie Allen, but she was busy in the } kitchen... she was boiling water, pouring it into hot water bottles, } and then putting the hot water bottles into the freezer. She did this } four different times before George Burns finally asked her why she was } doing it. And she said, "in case I want some hot water, all I have to } do is take it out of the freezer and..." } } But I'm sorry, I'll let you make the list. Go ahead. I'm listening.