From oracle-admin@cs.indiana.edu Wed Sep 14 09:54:05 2005 Received: from moose.cs.indiana.edu (localhost [127.0.0.1]) by moose.cs.indiana.edu (8.12.11/8.12.11/IUCS_2.68) with ESMTP id j8EEs4bW015149; Wed, 14 Sep 2005 09:54:04 -0500 (EST) Received: (from daemon@localhost) by moose.cs.indiana.edu (8.12.11/8.12.11/Submit) id j8EEs4j1015147; Wed, 14 Sep 2005 09:54:04 -0500 (EST) Date: Wed, 14 Sep 2005 09:54:04 -0500 (EST) From: Internet Oracle Message-Id: <200509141454.j8EEs4j1015147@moose.cs.indiana.edu> To: oracle-list@cs.indiana.edu Subject: Internet Oracularities #1391 Reply-To: oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu X-Face: )/f9dPAX/dU$1Z!U(/?A PiIJvIOtcN@L.>6,2OKd."T#S7b*{feRf.Kns23^P9.Ak{GdWWv]0*1E}RJ)_idU:(5VkN*_+bB kyrnLfC12B>V/q=z32:05`EcAd.!z#3k]h)O!ZU^E"f`@),(2WT X-Planation: X-Face can be used with www.cs.indiana.edu/ftp/faces === 1391 ================================================================= Title: Internet Oracularities #1391 Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler Date: Wed, 14 Sep 2005 09:53:52 -0500 (EST) To find out all about the Internet Oracle (TM), including how to participate, send mail to oracle@cs.indiana.edu with the word "help" in the subject line. ("Internet Oracle" is a trademark of Stephen B Kinzler.) Let us know what you like! Send your ratings of these 10 Oracularities on an integer scale of 1 ("very bad") to 5 ("very good") with the volume number to oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu (probably just reply to this message). For example: 1391 2 1 3 4 3 5 3 3 4 1 1386 40 votes 27bb9 13aga 2fe81 4cc84 ab973 47ec3 26gc4 09hb3 29ee1 6ec62 1386 3.1 mean 3.5 3.8 2.8 2.9 2.5 3.1 3.2 3.2 3.1 2.6 --- 1391-01 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Tim Chew The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > How does the Oracle use PigeonRank technology to judge the wit-factor > of each question? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } I don't. I have my priests (and priestesses) do it for me. Of course, } it would be easier for me to choose the wittiest Oracularities myself. } I am omniscient, after all. } } But, the priests (and priestesses) need something to do. Reading mind } bogglingly dull and witless submissions all day makes the priests (and } priestesses) look upon the more "personal" services I require them to } perform as boon rather than a burden. } } Keeping them busy also helps me justify having more of them about the } temple. Having more priests (and priestesses) increases my stature } among the other deities and demigods (especially when I brag about how } willing and happy they are to perform those "personal" services). } } Now you know why so many questions, replies, and oracularities are } decidedly unfunny. It's to keep up moral -- MY moral. } } You owe the Oracle a question so unbearably dull and banal that my } priests (and especially priestesses) run to me begging to be assigned } some special "personal" duty. --- 1391-02 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Klone (aka Daniel V Klein) The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh great and mighty Oracle, in whose omniscient light I actually > understand what my psychology instructors are asking me, please hear > my question! > > I am sure that while I am moving into my new apartment, I will > forget several extremely important items necessary for operation at > my university. Could y ou, in your all-knowing greatness, inform me > what I will forget without setting up a Go:del logic problem? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } It's been a while since the Oracle went off to school, } but here's things that he found useful: } } A lyre - Music is big with young people, you'll miss } home less if you can hear tunes that remind you of } happy times gone by. } } A spare tunic -- Your mother won't be there to wash for } you, having a spare tunic is very handy if your constant } studies make it hard for you to troop down to the shore } to rinse out your smock and smack it against a rock a } few times. } } Your very own wax tablet and stylus -- once considered } an extravagance, now a days it's not rare to see a lad } with one of these atop his lap noting words of wisdom. } } A length of ram's intestine, tied off on one end -- } Hey, you might get lucky, you never know. Be prepared. } } You owe the Oracle a leather thong. --- 1391-03 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Mike Nolan The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oracle, who is much cuter than a kitten: > > Why do cats always lay right where you're reading? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Cats are exceptionally skilled in mathematics. They are capable of } calculating (down to the demical point) the probability of you sitting } in a specific location. They choose this very same spot in attempt to } draw upon Advanced Lucidian Neurologic to iniate Pracitcal Stress } Relief of the Third Degree, otherwise known as "ear-rubbing". Most } cats are talented astrophysicists, too. They're all just nihilists. } } You owe the Oracle a scooby-snack. --- 1391-04 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Ian Davis The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh no! No, no, no!!! I wrote PERVIOUS *again* when I meant > previous. I did this before as I told you in a pervious massage. > > I think my fimgers are imfected with a firus. Can you help? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Soggy. I'm afraib I qan't. --- 1391-05 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Ian Davis The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > What's a Mormon? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Mon, it be de ol' skool moniker for Muslims mon. --- 1391-06 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Mike Nolan The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Wise Oracle scholar, saint and sex-symbol, > > What kind of clothes is a city supposed to wear anyway? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Depends on the city. New York used to wear a smoking jacket until } Bloomberg banned it. London still shops at London Fog. San Francisco, } home of the Golden Gate Bridge, has a closet full of jumpers. } Boston always keeps a cape nearby. Chicago is famous for its dress } blues... as well as its athletic supporters. In Washington, D.C., } it's always a coverup. And out in Hollywood, they prefer one item of } clothing above all others: That's a wrap. --- 1391-07 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Leo L. Schwab" The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh, most glorious and something-better-than-glorious Oracle... > > What is the true moral behind 2001: A Space Odyssey? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Bottom line: Make your kids watch TV or else they'll kill you. } } Let's back up. } } 2001 makes a lot more sense if you read Clarke's "Rama" } first. "Rama" deals with a large, self-sustaining artifact } the purpose of which is unclear -- unlike in 2001. Moreover } in 2001 the monolith seems of mystical origin, while the } artifact in "Rama" is clearly a device built by intelligent } creatures. } } 2001 shows that being smarter than others makes it easier } to kill them. The primal apes that obtained sentience } from the presence of the monolith killed the other apes. } When HAL got near to the monolith HAL obtained sentience } and started to kill humans. } } This is what the ancients conveyed to each other with the } tale of what happened to Kronos. Kronos knew that if you create } something as smart as yourself it could kill you, be it your } kids or your computers. Kronos slipped up though, and his kid } Zeus made Kronos incapable of ever spawning again -- with a } rusty scythe. Ouch. } } 2001 is a warning to modern man of the same fate. But take } heart, Forces That Be have headed computer tech down the wrong } path (read: monolithic kernels) so they'll never be smart enough } to attack you. That leaves your children. Solution: the Boob } Tube, all it takes is an hour a day and the kid is rendered } damaged to the point of your safety. Of course your parents } did this to you too, making you too dumb to know to do it } to your own kids. Which is where 2001 steps in, a reminder: } Beware dark boxes, keep the TV on, TV -- the anti-monolith, } the artifact that keeps you alive. } } You owe the Oracle a TV dinner and a satellite dish. --- 1391-08 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Dave Hemming The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > "I can see Leary now; my brain is gone..." > > What are the rest of the words to that song? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } (Vaguely calypso beat commences) } } I can see Leary now; my brain is gone. } I can see bright colors coming through the gray. } Gone are the walls -- they melted, but I don't mind. } It's gonna be a high, high, L.S.D. day. } It's gonna be a high, high, L.S.D. day. } } I think I can stand up now... no, I was wrong. } I guess I'll just stay curled up inside my bed. } Cripes! There's a rainbow breaking down my door! } It's gonna be a high, high, L.S.D. day. } It's gonna be a high, high, L.S.D. day. } } Look all around, there's nothing but blue skies } Look straight ahead, there's nothing but blue skies } ...and dwarves... } ...and little red bugs... } ...Aaaaaahhhhhhhhhh!... } } I can see Leary now; my brain is gone. } I close my eyes, but the bugs won't disappear. } They're getting larger, and they want to eat my mind. } It's gonna be a high, high, L.S.D. day. } It's gonna be a high, high, L.S.D. day. } Real, real, real, real high, high, L.S.D. day. --- 1391-09 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Klone (aka Daniel V Klein) The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > O Woeful Oracle, you always see the > worst of me! I guess that's as it should > be for grovelling, right? > > Anyway, I **again** said "ingore pervious > questoin" when I meant something else. And > I'm afraid that you actually **did** that. > My questions are still fine, and mostly > unanswered. But my questoin is hopelessly > ingored, right where it was most pervious. > The poor thing is about to commit hegemony > or worse. Can you help? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } I suspect that I always see the worst of you because that's your } only side. } } "Woeful Oracle" indeed! My only woe is your pathetic existance, } and the fact that you evidently lack a spell checker. } } Your questions might be fine, but your "questoins" DESERVE to be } ingored, or they would be, if we could figure out how to do that. } My guess is that it has something to do with the inbreeding of oxen, } but don't quote me on that (except, perhaps, in a digest, and don't } quote me on THAT, please). } } Furthermore, the correct usage is he-gemo-nism not hegemony. } } You owe the Oracle a free subscription to Dictionary.com. I already } have a hegemony. --- 1391-10 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Ian Davis The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > O Literate and Illuminative Oracle, I need the > light from your eyes too see my way through the Dark. > > I intend to start a new Science Fiction magazine, to > be called "Preposterous sf". Please send me a list of > good story topics, themes or plots, as well as a list > of potential authors. Note that I cannot pay any > money at this time, so the writers will have to be > looking at future payment or some other similar > arrangement. My motto will be "The Preposterouser > the Better." And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } OK, Wild "Who'd a Thought it Possible?" Stories of Tomorrow!! } } I'll give you the articles, but you have to match them } with the best possible author from the list below. Enjoy. } } 10) LaughterHouse Five: Monthly Other-Worldly Joke Column } 09) $19.84 : Surveillance on a Budget } 08) No!! Crash!!: Blue Screen of Death to Show up on } Interstellar Vehicles? } 07) The Puppy Masters: Pet Cloning Gone Wrong, Will } our Dogs put Us on Leashes? } 06) A Wrinkle this Time: Future Fashion, Plastic } Surgery to Make You look Older } 05) 20000 Legumes From Under the Sea: Human Beings to } Feast on Deep Sea Beans } 04) An Orange Clock Works! Fruit Machines of Tomorrow Today! } 03) Stand on a Sand Bar: Fort Lauderdale, Culture Center } of the Western World } 02) A Cannibal For MadCow with Grits: Why Brains } Should be Served Everywhere, with Every Meal } 01) Man in the High and Dry Castle: New Orleans 2005 } } a) Philip K. Dick } b) John Brunner } c) George Orwell } d) Walter M. Miller Jr. } e) Neal Stephenson } f) Robert A Heinlein } g) Jules Verne } h) Anthony Burgess } i) Kurt Vonnegut } j) Madeleine L'Engle } } You owe the Oracle the entire "Dead Like Me" series on DVD.