From oracle-admin@cs.indiana.edu Thu Jun 23 07:00:15 2005 Received: from moose.cs.indiana.edu (localhost [127.0.0.1]) by moose.cs.indiana.edu (8.12.11/8.12.11/IUCS_2.65) with ESMTP id j5NC0Ee9015821; Thu, 23 Jun 2005 07:00:14 -0500 (EST) Received: (from daemon@localhost) by moose.cs.indiana.edu (8.12.11/8.12.11/Submit) id j5NC0DHN015819; Thu, 23 Jun 2005 07:00:14 -0500 (EST) Date: Thu, 23 Jun 2005 07:00:14 -0500 (EST) From: Internet Oracle Message-Id: <200506231200.j5NC0DHN015819@moose.cs.indiana.edu> To: oracle-list@cs.indiana.edu Subject: Internet Oracularities #1386 Reply-To: oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu X-Face: )/f9dPAX/dU$1Z!U(/?A PiIJvIOtcN@L.>6,2OKd."T#S7b*{feRf.Kns23^P9.Ak{GdWWv]0*1E}RJ)_idU:(5VkN*_+bB kyrnLfC12B>V/q=z32:05`EcAd.!z#3k]h)O!ZU^E"f`@),(2WT X-Planation: X-Face can be used with www.cs.indiana.edu/ftp/faces === 1386 ================================================================= Title: Internet Oracularities #1386 Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler Date: Thu, 23 Jun 2005 07:00:02 -0500 (EST) To find out all about the Internet Oracle (TM), including how to participate, send mail to oracle@cs.indiana.edu with the word "help" in the subject line. ("Internet Oracle" is a trademark of Stephen B Kinzler.) Let us know what you like! Send your ratings of these 10 Oracularities on an integer scale of 1 ("very bad") to 5 ("very good") with the volume number to oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu (probably just reply to this message). For example: 1386 2 1 3 4 3 5 3 3 4 1 1381 41 votes 176i9 5ea93 9de50 49ca6 395cc 34dc9 19db7 2a8f6 33cda 14eac 1381 3.3 mean 3.7 2.8 2.4 3.1 3.5 3.5 3.3 3.3 3.6 3.7 --- 1386-01 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Sid Dabster The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Greetings; > I humbly request your wisdom. Why must people create traffic jams out > of sheer selfish driving habits, when all that is necessary is the > continuing awareness of being part of a traffic system... > Eagerly awaiting the blessing that is your reply... And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } This is a very interesting question, because it conjures up an } interesting conundrum. } } If you take a microscope, and look at the tiniest blood vessels in the } body, you'll see that as the blood vessels get smaller and smaller, the } blood corpuscles neatly line themselves up in rows, so that when they } get to the capillaries, they're marching in single file. } } Wouldn't it be nice, if cars behaved the same way? } } Here's the real question, though: Given that most drivers have the } same intelligence as a blood corpuscle, why *don't* they behave the } same way? } } You owe the Oracle a research project to determine the answer to this. --- 1386-02 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Alyce Wilson" The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh great and mighty Oracle, whose alarm clock's snooze button > retains the initial springiness that it had when you bought it, > how might I avoid sleeping in too late? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Get a cat. } } MRRROWWWWWWWWW!!! } } Sorry, get a cat and love it and feed it and lavish it with attention. } } They're like little furry wet-nosed spiky alarm clocks, and they DON'T } come with a snooze button. First comes the loud purring in the ear, } then the tickling of the nose with whiskers, a cold wet nose pressed to } the eyelids, before the final coup de grace of a claw hooked inside one } nostril. If you can sleep through that, you have a medical condition. } } One I wouldn't mind, frankly. } } You owe the Oracle one of those automated cat feeders. Girlfriends, I } think they're called. --- 1386-03 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Alyce Wilson" The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Great and Majestic Oracle, you are even better than most > omniscient beings. They know everything that's true, but > you even know stuff that ISN'T true! For instance, you can > understand what my grandmother meant when she said, "Cleanth > is next to Goth." > > We always thought it was her way of telling us that Cleanliness > is next to Godliness, until I happened upon her old World > Atlas, with a bookmark on the page for the country of Pullova, > next to Freezebottom in the Bosnian Alps. THERE THEY WERE on > the page, the two towns Clenth and Goth, not at all far from > each other. > > Please explain all the history related to these towns, including > the scoop on how my grandmother (now finally dead) knew about > them when she was born in Alton, Illinois, which is about as > far from the Bosnian Alps as one can get while remaining sane. > Oh, and did the Goths of ancient sacking-Rome history come from > Goth, or vice-versa? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } I'm afraid you misunderstood. } } "Cleanth" is a lifestyle from the early 20th century. A } counter-culture to the Flappers of the Roaring 20s. While most of } America was "living it up", having fun, and disregarding authority, the } Cleanths were all about keeping quiet and clean, wearing bland colors, } and behaving themselves. Over the years, the Cleanth movement became } less popular, but more depressing for those who followed it. One } Cleanth visionary in the late 1970s, Robert Smith ("Cleanths" were } known to choose their own names; the more boring and uninteresting, the } better), decided that enough was enough, and began a search for a Cure. } However, his musical appeals to the Cleanth community not only went } unanswered, but misunderstood. The Cleanths, once standing for "Clean } and Quiet", were suddenly stirred into a call for action to change } things. Thus, the "Goeth" movement was born (and foreshortened to } "Goth"). However, the newly-formed Goths were unfortunately far too } depressed to back up their new platform. So the only way they could } find to make the world a better place, was to wear more black and } obsess over the inevitability of death. } } Thus, your grandmother was saying that she was once a Cleanth, but } realized the error of her ways 30 years ago and joined normal society. } } "Cleanth is next to Goth" is a warning. Heed not this lifestyle. --- 1386-04 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Ian Davis The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Dear Oracle, who's parenting advice has always been so accurate that > I think you must be some sort of electronic "Super Nanny", > > My teenager has been taking a class in media studies, and now he's > started acting strangely. Only last week, he asked me if he could > watch some "cult movies" at a friend's house. Now, I don't know > what sort of cult it is that he's fallen in with, but they've > clearly got their claws into him. Why he even showed no interest > in seeing the prequel to "Dumb and Dumber", and that's not like him > at all! > > What am I to do? Do I have to de-programme him? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Your teenager is defective. } Please return it to its original packaging and ship it back to the } manufacturer for a full refund. --- 1386-05 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Mark Lawrence" The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } I know how you feel dear supplicant. I'm speechless } over the Jackson verdict too. --- 1386-06 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Mark Lawrence" The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh great Oracle, who always goes commando... > > Why did they take away the pants? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } for the wedgies of sin is death. } } You owe the oracle a towel. Quickly. --- 1386-07 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Mark Lawrence" The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oracle, > > Freemasonry: satanic cult, secret society, benevolent charity or > upstanding organisation for gentlemen? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } You ask as if those options are mutually exclusive... --- 1386-08 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Dave Hemming The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Dear and Understanding Oracle, you'll know what I mean even though I'm > being subtle. > > Mine are like huge melons, and my older sister's are cute but tiny. Big > is painful, and also the guys make rude remarks. Can I be her instead? > How? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } My dear, your earlobes are nothing to be ashamed of. In Eastern } cultures, large earlobes were regarded as a sign of nobility and } wisdom. The rude remarks from members of the opposite sex merely show } their own stupidity and closed-mindedness to other societies where } something can be attractive sexually and beautiful culturally at the } same time. } } The question of a body swap is not altogether difficult; your local mad } scientist would be more than happy to perform the operation for little } or no cost, and you can be assured of its success by the rules and } regulations that govern horror/suspense movies, so long as you make it } absolutely convincing after you've signed the contract that you do NOT } want to swap bodies. } } However, before going to such an extreme to gain 'lobes like your } sister's, take a moment to consider the fact that many girls around the } world go to bed at night praying to be endowed as you are. Sure, it may } be an inconvenience whilst performing athletic tasks of any sort, but } you will always be assured a taxi on a rainy day in Tibet or China. } } Embrace your body for what it is, and embrace others with it to spread } your joy of being you. Let your sister's ears be adorned as small and } cute as she wants; yours are easily more majestic and regal. } } You owe the Oracle a hug and a compliment on his haircut. --- 1386-09 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Paul L. Kelly" The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Why is it that when we dust furniture, we're taking dust *off*, but > when we butter bread, we're putting butter *on*? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Because people do not like dust on their furniture, but they do } like butter on their bread. Although, you should not try to butter } somebody's furniture because it does not work the other way around. } This should have become obvious to you when you didn't like the taste } of your dust sandwich. } } You owe The Oracle a new couch. --- 1386-10 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Paul L. Kelly" The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh, sagacious sage, whose sagery was never surpassed simply by several > other simple sages saging in synchronocity. . . > > Everytime I stare at the Sun for more than five minutes at a time, I > get a headache. This has bothered me for many years. Why can't the Sun > irradiate someone else for a change? Luckily for me though, I recently > acquired a fair sum of money, with which I built a rocket, fully > loaded. Power windows, flight-couch side airbags, the works. Not to > mention that really spiffy water balloon launcher . . . I plan to > travel to the Sun and teach him/her/it a lesson. Are you with me? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Ph simpleton supplicant. You should merely block out the sun with } sunglasses like normal people... I suggest you open the power windows } when you get in orbit. It'll give you a whole new perspective. } } You owe the oracle video footage of you opening the window in space.