From oracle-admin@cs.indiana.edu Tue Nov 16 23:35:52 2004 Received: from moose.cs.indiana.edu (localhost [127.0.0.1]) by moose.cs.indiana.edu (8.12.11/8.12.11/IUCS_2.62) with ESMTP id iAH4ZpB3015332; Tue, 16 Nov 2004 23:35:51 -0500 (EST) Received: (from daemon@localhost) by moose.cs.indiana.edu (8.12.11/8.12.11/Submit) id iAH4ZpcA015330; Tue, 16 Nov 2004 23:35:51 -0500 (EST) Date: Tue, 16 Nov 2004 23:35:51 -0500 (EST) From: Internet Oracle Message-Id: <200411170435.iAH4ZpcA015330@moose.cs.indiana.edu> To: oracle-list@cs.indiana.edu Subject: Internet Oracularities #1373 Reply-To: oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu X-Face: )/f9dPAX/dU$1Z!U(/?A PiIJvIOtcN@L.>6,2OKd."T#S7b*{feRf.Kns23^P9.Ak{GdWWv]0*1E}RJ)_idU:(5VkN*_+bB kyrnLfC12B>V/q=z32:05`EcAd.!z#3k]h)O!ZU^E"f`@),(2WT X-Planation: X-Face can be used with www.cs.indiana.edu/ftp/faces === 1373 ================================================================= Title: Internet Oracularities #1373 Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler Date: Tue, 16 Nov 2004 23:35:40 -0500 (EST) To find out all about the Internet Oracle (TM), including how to participate, send mail to oracle@cs.indiana.edu with the word "help" in the subject line. ("Internet Oracle" is a trademark of Stephen B Kinzler.) Let us know what you like! Send your ratings of these 10 Oracularities on an integer scale of 1 ("very bad") to 5 ("very good") with the volume number to oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu (probably just reply to this message). For example: 1373 2 1 3 4 3 5 3 3 4 1 1368 44 votes 05fcc 0ecd5 4acc6 38ei1 09fi2 89bc4 3aad8 2cad7 17hb8 03dbh 1368 3.3 mean 3.7 3.2 3.1 3.1 3.3 2.9 3.3 3.2 3.4 4.0 --- 1373-01 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Klone (aka Daniel V Klein) The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh grand wise and all-seeing Oracle, > > My friend is a silly college freshman who is > registering for courses next semester. He wants to > take six classes, and is only permitted to take five. > He is attempting to decide between dropping Into to > Hebrew, Comparative Politics, Global Economy, or > Advanced Italian. He is obviously not enlightened > enough to ask you directly for assistance Great > Oracle, for he does not own a pocket protector, so I > ask on his behalf. And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } The easiest way to decide is to figure out which one to } audit. Auditing a language course won't work. The daily } interaction and quizzes are necessary. Of the other two, } Global Economy is the least likely to have real content, } so it's the best candidate for an audit. If it turns } out to be good, take it next semester. } } The alternative is of course to switch to majoring in } mathematics. When you're taking linear algebra, } statistics, topology, advanced calculus and number } theory all at once, there is little incentive to add } tensor analysis as a sixth course. } } You owe the Oracle a nabla. --- 1373-02 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Christophe The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Dear Oracle who knows almost everything except maybe how > an Oracle should grovel, please help me. I'm trying to > study mathemathics, and am currently taking courses in > linear algebra, statistics, topology, advanced calculus > and number theory. If I add tensor analysis now, in > mid-semester, will my head explode? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Once again I'm amazed at the ability of humans to worry about incredibly } rare and unlikely dangers while ignoring the obvious and likely ones. } Like worrying about dying from Ebola, while shovelling sufficient } McCalories down their throat to power a Trabant on a trip round the } solar system. } } While it may have made the headlines around the world when James } Peterson's head exploded while trying to solve a particularly onerous } stochastic differential equation, he was just one maths student out of } millions the world over. And, in reality, once the grey stuff had been } wiped off the library's walls, life continued on as normal. And while } the government warns of terrorists and "dirty bombs" that would spread } hundreds of matrix pseudo-inversion problems through crowded city } centres, you may notice that it never actually happens. } } No, the real danger is not to your cranium, but to your social skills. } May I show a brief snatch of your future. A future that, as a maths } nerd, is unlikely to feature much in the way of that other type of } snatch. } } [Scene: The supplicant has returned home on holiday] } } Mum: Here's your food dear, and Sally, here's your food too. } Supplicant: Mum, you've given Sally more gravy than me, you always give } her more gravy than me. } Mum: Don't be silly, I treat you both equal. } Supplicant: No you don't. Look, I've analysed the data. Using a paired } T-test and the amount of gravy given to each of us over the last 500 } meals, I can state with 95% confidence that you give her more gravy } than me. } Mum: I don't } Supplicant: p < 0.01!! } Mum: Why are you acting like this? It isn't normal. } Supplicant: May I remind you that while the paired T-test makes an } assumption of normality, it is particularly robust to non-normal data, } and I also checked my results using a Wilcoxon test on the ranked } data. The results are still significant. } Mum: (sigh) Oh all right then, have some more gravy. } Supplicant: No, I don't like it anyway. } } You owe the Oracle an explanation of how to sphere multivariate data so } that the covariance matrix equals the identity matrix. Either that or } get me laid this weekend. --- 1373-03 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Mike Nolan The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > O Oracle most exalted I need you to glimpse into the future to answer > me a question that has weighed heavily on my mind for some weeks: > > So it's the year 2370, and you always hear about the Excelsior class > being the "backbone of Starfleet", but the things are over a hundred > years old! Why didn't the burden ever get shifted to, say, the > Ambassador or Constellation classes? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Oh, please, get real and grow up! I'm sick and tired of people who } spend vast amounts of their precious time living in fictional worlds. } Do us all a favor and give up your pathetic little fantasy about } characters that aren't even real. Go out and get a real life. } } You owe the Oracle, Lisa, all the assorted priests and priestesses, } Zadoc, Kendai, Og, and the whole crew a heartfelt apology. --- 1373-04 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Christophe The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > What's the difference between a half-eaten bowl of buttered popcorn > and a politician with his hands in his pockets? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Hands in his OWN pockets? He's fictional. The popcorn is not. --- 1373-05 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Klone (aka Daniel V Klein) The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > OH GREAT ORICLE! ONE WITH NEVER ENDING KNOWLAGE! > > WHY DO I WRITE WITH CAPS? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Because the brim on a trilby or a bowler hat is too wide to hit the } keys on the keyboard. } } You owe the Oracle your shift key. Or your immortal soul, whichever is } easiest to give up. --- 1373-06 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Julianna Avedon" The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Ambidextrose and resplungeant Oracle, you are looking > exceptionally omniscient today. If you had feathers I > would say that they are superbly preened. I, on the other > hand, am my supplican't self, unable to think about > cleaning your vast stables, even if I wanted to. > > Why can't I find my keys where I'm looking for them? Why > are they always somewhere else? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Supplicant, in honor of your particularly prolix grovel, I'm going } to clue you in to a little known secret. Shush, don't tell anyone, } but when people leave the building, or go to sleep, many inanimate } objects come to life to live out wonderous adventures beyond our } (and by that I mean your) comprehsion. They are much smaller than us } though, so they try to keep their existence a secret. Really, not } a word to anyone. Sigh, I remember the story of Bally and Yarny, } those rascals, and all their mischeif. Oh, and the chronicles of } thumbtack, the merciless. Many grande and unusual events happen } when an inanimate object catches the whim. However, once a year, } they all congregate, in celebration of their objective heritage! } } Oh yes! The rulers of the objects, the toybox holds such spectacular } balls. All the items attend. Though most of the fun is had by the } stuffed animals, and letter blocks, all will generally attest to } enjoying themselves. Occasionally, an outcasted "unfun" object is } invited to the party, to try a new way of life. Because of this I } would recommend checking your toybox or under your bed. Perhaps if } you had not discriminated against your keys and shunned them, they } may have stayed more loyal to you. But don't fret, if you can rebuild } the relationship that you and your keys once had, they will always } stay by your side. } } You owe the Oracle photographic proof that the lightswitch is plotting } against him. --- 1373-07 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Dave Hemming The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Dear Oracle, my intent is to write a novel, preferably a > best seller. I'm going to do it over Xmas holiday. But > I lack a theme, a plot, characters and development. The > best I could come up with was from the Science Fiction > Plot Generator: "Planet 9 of Alpha-Centauri is used as > the cue ball in a game of galactic bar-billiards and > everyone dies." > > Surely there's a better plot, and YOU KNOW WHAT IT IS! > Help me, O Omniscient One, you're my only hope! (Please > throw in the theme, characters, location, development, > and all that stuff while you're at it, no trouble for > an Omniscience of your capacity.) > > Hold everything, I just got another plot! "Mars is taken > over by mutant diploid armour plated pterodactyls with > ESP and silicon-based DNA and is visited by good robots > who rewind time to before the disaster but then Earth is > invaded by nasty aliens and everyone dies." Crikers, it's > worse than the previous one. Best ignore it. And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Your best bet is to quit while you're ahead... } really... trust me... I know everything, since I'm the } Oracle. Let's take a look at your future if you do } what you intend to do: } } *weird swirly flash foreward special effect* } } November 2004: } -------------- } After thinking a lot about a possible plot for your } sci-fi novel, you are inspired and develop the plot in } your mind. } } December 2004: } -------------- } You sit down for a week straight and write an epic } sci-fi novel about the adventures of an omniscient } entity called "The Seer" and his significant other } "Elizabeth" as they journey through the cosmos aboard } the "USS Cansler" to stop an evil race of alien } beavers as they attempt to throw large numbers of } cellulose-composed cylinders at inhabited planets. To } briefully summerize the plot, The Seer eventually } defeats the beaver queen with the all powerful "Pole } of Zat." You then submit the work to several } publishers to see if any of them will take it. } } January 2004: } ------------- } A letter comes back from Simon and Schuster. They love } your manuscript and accept it for publication. They } decide to really publicize the book like crazy. } Reviewers rate the work very highly. } } Feburary 2004: } -------------- } Steve Kinzler finds out about your book and } immediately recognizes it as a complete rip-off of the } content from thousands of Oracularities Digests, which } are copyrighted material. He contacts the law firm } Dewey, Cheatem, and Howe, who have famously battled } Microsoft lawyers in several Oracularities of the } Past. } } March 2004: } ----------- } Simon and Schuster abandons your manuscript. You face } an ugly lawsuit, with no defense. You are ripped to } pieces as the lawyers devour you. The end. } } *flash back to the present* } } But now that you have asked, the chain of events that } I have shown you will not come to pass. Why? Because } I'm the Oracle, and since you have asked, YOU OWE ME } SOMETHING! } } You owe the Oracle your solemn oath not to write a } best selling science fiction novel during Christmas holiday. --- 1373-08 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Christophe The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Dear Oracle, after ruining your sports car, your private jet, > your helicopter and the planet Mars in my foolish attempts > at grand grovelling, I've decided to stick to simpler means > of transportation whilst proclaiming your superiorness and > my inferioritude to the World At Large. This time I'll use > a yacht that I found floating near your moat. I'm sure it's > not yours because its name is written in Mexican. It's called > TIO XX. Anyone with half a brain knows that Tio means uncle > in Mexican, and XX is the famous Mexican beer. > > Before I hoist the maine sail, though, I have to visit the, um, > what do you call it, the place where you can answer nature's > call. (I hate these fancy nautical words.) Oh yeah, the poop > deck. > > Hah! A bunch of people stood around watching me, but that's > the way it is aboard ship. If they didn't want to see me they > should have closed their eyes. They were all saying I should > go to the head of the boat, but I looked there, at the front, > already, and that was the wrong place. To hell with 'em. > > So I'll just hoist this specially made main sale that I brought > along, that proclaims ORRIE IS TOOO WUNDERFUL FOR WORRDS and > ... > > Oops, I've fallen overboard! > > I hope I'm not in the Bermuda Triangle! Last time I checked > in the supermarket tabloids I couldn't find it. The Bermuda > Triangle is MISSING! Anyway, HELP, and please tell me, where > the hell am I? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } You again? Wasn't plummeting seventeen thousand metres towards the } earth enough for you? } } Okay, to answer your question, you're in the water. Dammit, stop } floundering when I'm talking to you! } } Oh, all right, then! (Where are my lifesavers?) } } Here! (splosh) } } Hope you like raspberry, 'cause that's all I've got. } } You owe the Oracle a pair of Bermuda shorts. --- 1373-09 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Klone (aka Daniel V Klein) The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Hail to the Oracle, > The incarnation wise > Whose ever present knowledge-base > Flits past this mortal's eyes. > > Hail from the supplicant, > The humble one who begs, > Who asks for just a drip of worth > From Orrie's goblet's dregs. > > Hail to the Oracle, > I give you my request, > Twix butter pure and margarine > Pray which one is the best? > > Glorious great Oracle, > Wonderous and fine, > May your great words of clarity > Come from your mind to mine. And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } >look } } MAIN SOUND STAGE } You are on the main sound stage of "Cooking with Orrie," your bi-annual } PBS fund-raising special. The stage looks like a typical suburban } kitchen except for the 200-person auditorium and three camera setups to } the north. The wings extend to the east and west. A closed door leads } to the south. } Bright lights obscure your view of the auditorium. } } >inventory } } You are carrying half a stick of butter, a tub of margarine, and a } complete set of stainless steel Ginsu kitchenware (minus the } complimentary steak knife) } } Lisa enters from the east. } } >examine Lisa } } Lisa is wearing a leopard print chef's costume, and has obviously spent } a great deal of time fixing her hair. } } >talk to her } } I only understand you as far as wanting to talk. } Lisa leans over the counter. "I haven't found the recipe yet," she } whispers in your ear. "But don't worry, Zadoc is looking it up on the } Internet right now. For the time being just get them both out and be } flexible. You're on in FIVE." She sets a timer on the counter. } } >talk to Lisa } } Lisa is not in the room! } Lisa exits to the east. } The timer ticks contentedly to itself. } } >follow her } } I don't understand. } The timer ticks contentedly to itself. } } >east } } You are on in THREE! } The timer ticks contentedly to itself. } } >examine timer } } The timer looks like any ordinary kitchen timer. It is pointing to the } numeral TWO. } } >put all on the counter } } Tub of margarine: dropped } Complete set of stainless steel Ginsu kitchenware (minus the } complimentary steak knife): dropped } The timer ticks contentedly to itself. } } >find butter } } The half-stick of butter is not in the room! } The timer ticks contentedly to itself. } } >east } } You are on in ONE! } The timer ticks contentedly to itself. } } >inventory } } You are carrying nothing. } The timer DINGS! contentedly to itself. } } ON THE AIR } This show is made possible in part by the generous contributions of } supplicants like you. Today on "Cooking with Orrie", the Usenet Oracle } is going to demonstrate the proper method for creating his famous } "Delphic Delights" after dinner sweets. Many have tried and all have } failed to replicate the distinctive taste of these bits of baked } ambrosia, but today The Oracle himself will reveal the secret to } successful Delphic Cooking. } } >find lisa } } Lisa is not in the room! } The audience looks at you expectantly. } } >examine kitchen } } The kitchen contains all the paraphernalia of a normal suburban } kitchen, with the addition of three ovens, two giant mixing bowls, a } full set of stainless steel Ginsu kitchenware (minus the complimentary } steak knife), an industrial zotting machine, and a stove, on top of } which is a giant cookpot. A door to the south leads to a black } curtain, and the wings extend to the east and west. } The audience looks at you expectantly. } You hear a muffled thumping noise. } } >examine pot } } Which pot, the one the stove or in the plastic bag? } The audience looks at you expectantly. } You hear a muffled thumping noise. } } >examine noise } } The muffled thumping appears to be emanating from behind the door to } the south. Occasionally you hear a whimper, as of some animal in pain. } The audience looks at you expectantly. } You hear a muffled thumping noise. } } >open door } } As you jerk the door wide open you hear a loud scream, and see } something white flit behind a curtain. } The wrapper from a half-stick of butter falls to the floor. } A leopard print chef's costume falls to the floor. } } >tear curtain } } You reach up and gather a great handful of cloth, then pull downwards } with your mighty Oracular strength. The black curtain tumbles to the } ground revealing Zadoc and Lisa, both completely nude and covered in } butter, cowering in the corner. } } >take margarine, put it in pot on stove } } Tub of margarine: taken } Into the giant cookpot you throw the margarine, which immediately melts } and begins to boil excitedly. } Lisa screams. } } >take zadoc, put him in pot on stove } } Zadoc: taken } As you dangle the squirming priest above the bubbling pot of oil you } ask him a single question. } } "Why?" } } Zadoc: "I'm not going to beg. I did it because margarine just doesn't } do the job, you know? Sometimes, when you need a field expedient and } find yourself short, there's just no substitute for the real thing. } And you had the last half-stick. That reminds me of a funny-" You let } him drop, then turn to the audience. } } "Ladies and gentlemen, the secret ingredient to ALL Delphic Delights is } adultery. Adultery will add spice to any food, but always, ALWAYS, let } it be someone else's." } } You would have said more, but were interrupted by an outrageously long } pledge drive. } } YOU HAVE WON- BUT LOST AT THE SAME TIME, CUCKOLD! } **************************************************************** } } "Before you'd posed the question } And given your request, } 'Twixt butter pure and margarine } I'd thought the former "best". } } But now I'm forced to say } That neither one's more fit, } It all depends on context } And what you do with it." } } You owe the Oracle a pair of horns. --- 1373-10 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Alyce Wilson" The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh wondrous Oracle, > > Why is it that fizzy drinks lose their fizz when you shake them up? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Well, the real reason is that the carbonic acid (H2CO3) present in the } drinks breaks up into CO2 and H2O; the CO2 being the part providing the } fizz. If the drink is open, then the CO2 escapes into the air. Once } all the carbonic acid has broken up this way, there's no more fizz. } But that's a boring answer, so here are a handful of alternate } interpretations: } } The drink gets angry and tries to ZOT you. Being a carbonated } beverage, however, it can only FIZZ. } } The soft drink is actually a tiny casino, and the patrons wager their } fizz. Shaking the drink causes their dice to fall. The house } advantage is 5.8%, so they lose their fizz pretty quickly. } } The marriage between gas and liquid is quite volatile, and anything } that shakes them up can lead to a divorce so quick it makes Britney } Spears look like a bastion of commitment. } } "My god, its full of stars...oh, not any more." } } Roses are red, } Violets are blue, } When you shake a fizzy drink } It loses its fizz. } } So there you have it, supplicant. Shaking your drink enriches the } casino. You owe the Oracle a 24-hour marriage license.