From oracle-admin@cs.indiana.edu Tue Jun 15 13:41:10 2004 Received: from moose.cs.indiana.edu (localhost [127.0.0.1]) by moose.cs.indiana.edu (8.12.10/8.12.10/IUCS_2.61) with ESMTP id i5FIf9vu009751; Tue, 15 Jun 2004 13:41:09 -0500 (EST) Received: (from daemon@localhost) by moose.cs.indiana.edu (8.12.10/8.12.10/Submit) id i5FIf97i009749; Tue, 15 Jun 2004 13:41:09 -0500 (EST) Date: Tue, 15 Jun 2004 13:41:09 -0500 (EST) From: Internet Oracle Message-Id: <200406151841.i5FIf97i009749@moose.cs.indiana.edu> To: oracle-list@cs.indiana.edu Subject: Internet Oracularities #1362 Reply-To: oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu X-Face: )/f9dPAX/dU$1Z!U(/?A PiIJvIOtcN@L.>6,2OKd."T#S7b*{feRf.Kns23^P9.Ak{GdWWv]0*1E}RJ)_idU:(5VkN*_+bB kyrnLfC12B>V/q=z32:05`EcAd.!z#3k]h)O!ZU^E"f`@),(2WT X-Planation: X-Face can be used with www.cs.indiana.edu/ftp/faces === 1362 ================================================================= Title: Internet Oracularities #1362 Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler Date: Tue, 15 Jun 2004 13:40:57 -0500 (EST) To find out all about the Internet Oracle (TM), including how to participate, send mail to oracle@cs.indiana.edu with the word "help" in the subject line. ("Internet Oracle" is a trademark of Stephen B Kinzler.) Let us know what you like! Send your ratings of these 10 Oracularities on an integer scale of 1 ("very bad") to 5 ("very good") with the volume number to oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu (probably just reply to this message). For example: 1362 2 1 3 4 3 5 3 3 4 1 1357 49 votes 59gg3 3ggc2 7fg74 4djd0 6cdd5 0bel3 169gh 4gj55 2hib1 3ded6 1357 3.0 mean 3.1 2.9 2.7 2.8 3.0 3.3 3.9 2.8 2.8 3.1 --- 1362-01 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Mark Lawrence" The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Another grovel!!! Watch me leap from this cliff and > trail a banner reading ORRIE IS THE MOST OMNISCIENT > ORACLE ANYWHERE AND ALSO IN TEXAS. > > First, I'll put on this ACME parachute, so I'll be > safe. > > Next I jump. > > Now I'll pull the ripcord. > > A huge anvil billows out from the chute pack, and > the words ACME and ONE TON are visible on it. > > The anvil, discovering it's heavier than me, falls > faster, hauling me down. I forget to release the > banner, but that's ok, because you knew what it was > going to say anyway. > > Could you please resurrect me after I smash into the > canyon floor? What will I come back as? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Despite what you say in your grovel, you forget that } I am the omniscient one here. You *don't* smash into } the canyon floor, as it turns out. } } The anvil unaccountably *bounces* off the canyon floor, } heading back up incongruously faster than it went down. } A look of perplexity replaces the terror on your face } as the anvil passes you on its way back up. If it had } hands, it would wave to you, but we don't do that with } anvils, and I don't think it would make sense for Bugs } to suddenly be riding on the anvil. Though if this was } one of those damned Wackyland things we'd do either (or } both) in a heartbeat. } } Your terrified expression returns as you near the canyon } floor. As you brace for impact, the parachute ropes } tauten with a "sproing" from the sound effects crew - } probably the G string of a cello, though that's their } call. But instead of your spinal column being shattered } to pieces, you do that Chuck Jones-ey voodoo that you } do so well, and strrrrretch your body so that you gently } stop, inches from the surface and your imminent demise. } (As if!) } } Unfortunately, you mis-time your stretch, and the tip } of your rubbery black nose makes the barest of contact } with the lowest arm of the only cactus within miles of } your anticipated landing spot. The air goes out of it } like a balloon, and in fact your entire muzzle loses } air and thus its integrity, the bottom half of your face } drooping like some horrific Halloween monster mask. } Your look of despair as you stare straight into the } "camera", appealing to the audience for sympathy, with } those great big bloodshot eyes, is priceless and of } course represents this particular "gag" sequence's } payoff. } } Nutty stuff so far, practically British in its layering, } eh wot? } } With another stretch, off you go back into the air, } as the anvil drags you upward to the stratosphere. By } the time the anvil, and you, reach the apex of your } trajectory, or should I perhaps say the acme, heh heh, } our "camera" draws back and we see the North American } continent, complete with lines demarcating these forty } eight United States. (N.b., actual visible lines do } not exist in real life, this is just another of our } wild sight "gags". Also, the states of Alaska and } Hawai'i have not been admitted yet. Also, by now your } nose is somehow back to normal.) } } Back down, down, down, you and the anvil plummet, } heading for Texas. You land safe and sound, in the } ludicrously overly-cushioned top chair of a ferris } wheel at a county fair. Why is the chair cushioned? } Because I always thought the furniture at my maiden } Aunt Mildred's house was the funniest thing ever. } Don't you find old-lady furniture funny? Oh, and the } anvil is by this point forgotten, probably having } landed on someone but we won't show that. Unless we } figure out a way to make it funny of course. Hm, two } babies who look like Tracy and Hepburn? Squish! Nah, } never mind, come back to that later. } } The wheel brings you down, and you emerge from the ride, } woozy and staggering, but unharmed. Whereupon the good } citizenry at the fair set upon you and beat you to a } bloody pulp, led by Porky in an outsized cowboy hat, } who shouts "I told ya, don't mess with us, th-th-that's } all folks, yee effin' haw". The censor board may pitch } a fit over the final phrase, but we're prepared to go } to the mat on this one. } } You owe the Oracle a business card reading "The I. Oracle, } Super-Genius". And don't worry, you'll come back again, } as yourself. Just like last time. Just like next time. --- 1362-02 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Ian Davis The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > How can I ever change things that I feel? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Wear rubber gloves. --- 1362-03 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Klone (aka Daniel V Klein) The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > O Oracle most wise, > > What exactly is pink lemonade, and how was the idea originated? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Red lemonade is communist lemonade. Pink lemonade is } socialist. The idea is to achieve the goals of Communism } while avoiding its obviously repulsive aspects. Red } lemonade looks like blood, pink like over-diluted } cranberry juice. } } You owe the Oracle an essay comparing the cannibalistic } metaphors of Christianity in the Transubstantiation of } the Communion with the sanguine practises of International } Communism. --- 1362-04 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Dave Hemming The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > How does George W. Bush differ from Marie Antoinette? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Hmm. } } Marie-Antoinette G. W. Bush } ========================== ========================= } } Raised in Austria, never Raised in Texas, never } quite mastered the quite mastered the } French language English language } } At her Viennese retreat, At his Texas retreat, } played at being a plays at being } milkmaid cowboy } } Told the people were Said "I know how hard it } hungry, replied is to put food on your } "Let them eat cake!" family!" } } Disliked by the French Disliked by anyone French } common people } } There you have it. Apparently, G. W. Bush *is* Marie-Antoinette. } } You owe the Oracle a slice of brioche. --- 1362-05 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Mike Nolan The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Shrdlu? Shrdlu. Shrdlu shrdlu shrdlu. And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Etaoin! Etaoin; Etaoin etaoin etaoin. } } You owe the Oracle a Linotype machine from the 1930s... --- 1362-06 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Ian Davis The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oracle, who can quaff a scroll of identify, > > What's going to be new in Version 4.0.0 of Nethack? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Many enhancements are in the works, supplicant. } } Deity based warfare will become possible. Imagine the thrill } of apocalyptic battle among thousands of adherents of Ptah, } Thoth, and Anhur, in the end settling nothing but leaving many } corpses for you to plunder. Also, differently aligned sects of } a single deity will be introduced, fighting each other as fiercely } as the infidels who worship something else. Sects-change will } in some cases be quite easy; for instance a lawful Mainstream } Christian can change to a chaotic KKKlansman simply by wearing } a white -3 Dunce Cap, or a Hostage can change to anything else } by uttering the magic incantation "oh yes, I see it quite clearly } now, your holy book is the True Word Of God". Becoming a Hostage } can also be quite easy. } } Your grovel said more than you knew. Alchemy will be extended } to allow the combination of two or more items of any type. } Impress your friends as you wear your stylish new +2 newt-scale } fedora. Or read a scroll of Confuse Katana, or zap a wand of } Fruit Juice Regeneration. Potions of Invisible Light will cause } eyeless adversaries to remain blind. Slay a certain monster in } a single blow by wielding Gridbugbane. Repel sensitive Elves } with your Throne of Stinking Cloud (make sure to keep plenty } of Scrolls of Blank Paper nearby). Watch with amusement as } an Orc howls in pain from mounting the Beartrap Saddle you left } sitting innocently atop a peaceful pony. Lay bets with friends } as to what a Land Mine Of Tricks, or a Worthless Yellowish Brown } Stethoscope, or a Hawaiian Shirt Corpse, will do. (Admittedly } only the very jaded will take this feature to the extreme of } creating something like The Two Handed Vorpal Slime Mold of } Yendor. But there's something for everyone in this game, no?) } } New special levels are under construction. Temptation Island } will feature level 20 super-nymphs, -succubi, and -nurses; if } you are stealthy they may ignore you and continue their activities } with each other (or alone), but many intrepid adventurers will } opt to remove their elven boots, not to mention most of their } other armor (especially their gauntlets of fumbling!), and join } in the fun. Booze and bullwhips will be in profusion. You } won't accomplish much there except to ruin your Constitution, } but somehow you'll decide it was worth your time anyway. Gamble } away all your gold pieces at Moloch's Casino on this level, and } don't make the mistake of complaining to the pit boss about the } obvious cheating by the dealer. Bring along a dented pot and } use alchemy on the native fauna to create a Purple Helmeted } Worm with which to delight many of the denizens. Also in the } spirit of this level, a new item of armor, the thong, will be } introduced; wearing it and nothing else when you arrive at } Temptation Island will increase your experience in a hurry. } (The alchemical effects of combining a thong with other items } such as an amulet of magical breathing are yet to be determined.) } } Regrettably, due to trademark hassles, the Dev Team was unable } to obtain rights to construct a level for Nethack Idol, or for } Who Wants To Be Ascended. Curse you Simon and Regis. } } A new character class will be available: Gangsta. To ensure } game balance, all Gangstas will meet their demise at the hands } of a member of someone else's posse within the first 100 turns. } It will certainly be the most challenging character type yet, } with which to attempt an ascension. } } An additional End Level will confront you after you defeat } Pestilence and his buddies: The Mazes Of Tedium, dozens of } levels containing twisty little passages that all look alike, } with special items like Scrolls of Ennui and Wands of Boredom } and Potions of Whatsthepoint, and with tough monsters like } Minotaurs that would tear the head off of a level one Footpad } but should be easy work for a high level character like yours. } Oh wait, I think this idea is basically somewhere in the game } already, never mind. } } Several new Insta-Deaths will lurk. Prominent among these } will be the Scroll of Insta-Death, the Potion of Insta-Death, } and the Wand of Insta-Death. Unlike most scrolls, potions and } wands, their name will be in cleartext and not be randomized } with the other items. Avoid reading/quaffing/zapping them. } Hand one to your quest nemesis and watch the fun. } } To improve game balance, Wishing will be made much more } restrictive. In particular, you will no longer be able to } wish for more than one Spellbook of Instant Win. Sorry guys, } but it was being abused. But try wishing up a few Cursed Scrolls } of Insta-Death instead, they should work pretty much the same. } } These are not the only new features I wanted to tell you about, } but thinking of Maud I forgot everything else. Beta version } should be available Real Soon Now. } } You owe the Oracle a magic marker. I get writer's cramp now } and then. --- 1362-07 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: MVSOPEN@aol.com The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > I'm so desperate, I'll read anything your omniscience deigns to answer. And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } [ Outside a seedy bar in the wharf district of some island } nation. Over head stars shine down through the mosquitoes. } The sound of waves is heard at times when the music and } fighting ebbs from the bar. Standing there are The Oracle, } Captain Hook, and dressed like a pirate, Zadoc. ] } } Orrie: How does a pirate pick up a comely pirate lass? We } could just tell you, but why do that we can show } you? } } Hook: Aye, give a man a chick and he has a one night stand, } get him a job at Kentucky Fried Chicken and he'll have } buckets of left-over thighs, legs and breasts to take } home after work each night fer free. } } Zadoc: Ewwww. } } Orrie: Right. Anyway we've dressed up Zadoc as a pirate and } are going to send him into this dive with Hook. Their } goal, to board a broad, to get their timbers shivered, } to get their gangplanks walked... } } Zadoc: Woo-hoo. } } [ Inside the bar, it's dark, it's loud. Grizzly men are powering } tankards of rum laced ale, all have knives and swords. Hard- } looking gals are nursing bottles of gin, saucy waitresses are } flitting about with trays full of hardtack and limes. On the } stage is a scary, huge man with candles burning in his beard } torturing some Jefferson Starship tune w/ an electric guitar.] } } Hook: Aye matey, first thing yer must do is project a' air of } confidence. Like yer got a bevy of twelve inch guns full } of chain shot below yer poop deck. } } [ Waitress saunters up. ] } } Waitress: Whattawant? } } Zadoc: ALL YOUR LOVE! } } [ Waitress snaps her gum. ] } } Waitress: Two rum laced ales coming up. Back in a sec. } } Hook: Your a natural. Now even the toughest old barnacled scow } wants to be admired for how she sits in the sea, but } yer got to pretend it ain't her cargo yer after, or the } way the wind fills her sails, but that you admire the } way she's decked out. If you catch me drift laddie. } } [ A dizzy drunken fish wife stumbles by, Zadoc reaches out & } grabs a handful of her billowing, grimy skirt. ] } } Zadoc: Your a sunken chest of gold! The galley of my dreams! } Great mast! } } [ The fish wife jerks her skirt out of Zadoc's hand & then } knocks him out of his chair with a powerful, practiced right } hook. By the time Zadoc comes too and crawls back up to the } table their ales have arrived. ] } } Hook: Yar. You've got the wind to yer aft now Matey. Next yer } need to move in for the actual boarding. To raise yer } Jolly Roger and let go a broadside, to grapple the ship } of yer choice up to yers. } } [ The doors fly open and the cops pour in. Contraband flies } under the tables, hot guns get tossed in the rafters. Hook } takes this opportunity to leap out a nearby window. Later } we rejoin him and the Oracle as they stand a safe distance } from the paddy wagons as the police load them with the } night's catch. Last in line to the pokey is Zadoc, now hand- } cuffed to the fish wife. Zadoc sees the Oracle and Hook } and gives them a wink and a conspiratorial smirk. ] } } Hook: The boy's a regular Don Juan he is. } } [ Orrie and Hook wander off as the sun comes up over the } horizon, over head sea gulls scream and the sky starts } to turn a dark, but brilliant blue. ] --- 1362-08 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Christophe The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > What is a K04n? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } B1FF asked the 1337 Z3N M4573R, "H0W D0 1 4CH13V3 3NL16H73NM3N7?????" } } The M4573R replied, "WH47 15 T3H 50UND 0F 1 H4ND CL4PP1N6???" } } 4ND 5UDD3NLY B1FF W45 3NL16H73N3D!!!!1!!! } } You owe the Oracle some aspirin -- it hurts my head to type like that. --- 1362-09 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Kirsten Chevalier The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > My Dad? My MOM?? No way!!!!!!!!!! And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Through the miracle of Tachyon Communication Protocol, we can now read } email from 2018. This specimen will be written by a 13 year old } Michael Graner, son of Charles Graner and Lynddie England, after he } discovers what his parents got up to in the second War Against Iraq. } } Ironically, this email will be written the day before he will receive } his call-up notice for the ninth War Against Iraq, since the then } recent vengeance bio-plague will have left too few 14 year olds } available for the draft, and the 15-25 cohort will still be tied up } occupying Spain and the Seychelle Islands. } } Michael will be later executed for treason after he forgets to include } the mandated "Praise God and His Chosen Earthly Representative, } President Jenna" at the end of a letter to his parents. } } You owe the Oracle stock in Diebold. That corporation is going to go } places for services yet to be rendered. --- 1362-10 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Joshua R. Poulson" The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Well, I guess that standing behind the horse was really > the wrong thing to do. Now that my head is reattached > I'll move over here to the front of the horse. Nothing > bad can happen now, unless he bites me. Horses don't > have teeth, do they? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } No, this one doesn't have teeth. But, unless you pay } closer attention to where it is going, I think you will } find that being run over by a Ford Mustang feels equally } horrible no matter if it is backing up or going forward. } } You owe the Oracle a rearview mirror.