From oracle-admin@cs.indiana.edu Thu May 20 15:37:09 2004 Received: from moose.cs.indiana.edu (localhost [127.0.0.1]) by moose.cs.indiana.edu (8.12.10/8.12.10/IUCS_2.61) with ESMTP id i4KKb8AY006149; Thu, 20 May 2004 15:37:08 -0500 (EST) Received: (from daemon@localhost) by moose.cs.indiana.edu (8.12.10/8.12.10/Submit) id i4KKb862006147; Thu, 20 May 2004 15:37:08 -0500 (EST) Date: Thu, 20 May 2004 15:37:08 -0500 (EST) From: Internet Oracle Message-Id: <200405202037.i4KKb862006147@moose.cs.indiana.edu> To: oracle-list@cs.indiana.edu Subject: Internet Oracularities #1360 Reply-To: oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu X-Face: )/f9dPAX/dU$1Z!U(/?A PiIJvIOtcN@L.>6,2OKd."T#S7b*{feRf.Kns23^P9.Ak{GdWWv]0*1E}RJ)_idU:(5VkN*_+bB kyrnLfC12B>V/q=z32:05`EcAd.!z#3k]h)O!ZU^E"f`@),(2WT X-Planation: X-Face can be used with www.cs.indiana.edu/ftp/faces === 1360 ================================================================= Title: Internet Oracularities #1360 Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler Date: Thu, 20 May 2004 15:36:57 -0500 (EST) To find out all about the Internet Oracle (TM), including how to participate, send mail to oracle@cs.indiana.edu with the word "help" in the subject line. ("Internet Oracle" is a trademark of Stephen B Kinzler.) Let us know what you like! Send your ratings of these 10 Oracularities on an integer scale of 1 ("very bad") to 5 ("very good") with the volume number to oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu (probably just reply to this message). For example: 1360 2 1 3 4 3 5 3 3 4 1 1355 51 votes aahb3 5fjb1 4bgd7 6ibe2 28fh9 48h8e 04hka 7aja5 26ggb 87m86 1355 3.1 mean 2.7 2.8 3.2 2.8 3.5 3.4 3.7 2.9 3.5 2.9 --- 1360-01 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Dave Hemming The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh most superbly poetic Oracle Who could tech Erato a thing or two, > > For the life of me I can't seem to come up with a limerick that uses > the words "parthenogenesis", "Hoover" and "mudpuppy". Is there any > chance that You could be of help? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } That was quite a trick, but I've got one... } } There once was a mudpuppy from Hoover, } (in Alabama, not in Vancouver). } He found an old Rhesus } Who said "Parthenogenesis } Requires no copulating maneuver." } } You owe the Oracle a haiku with the word } "floccinaucinihilipilification." --- 1360-02 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Mike Nolan The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Mightly Oracle, Destroyer of Confusion, please enlighten your > supplicant! > > Which is the opposite sex? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } No, Which is on third. } } Angelina Jolie is the opposite sex. } } You owe The Oracle a copy of That video, you know the one I mean. --- 1360-03 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Tim Chew The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > LAGOS, NIGERIA. > 27-06-00 > > ATTN: THE INTERNET ORACLE > > STRICTLY CONFIDENTIAL > > Dear Sir, > > I am Mr. Mugabwe, a senior accountant with the National Electric Power > Authority (NEPA). I came to know of you in my search fora reliable and > reputable institution/person who can handle a very > strictly,confidential transaction which involves transfer of a > reasonable sum ofmoney to a foreign account. > Presently, there is Twelve million United States > Dollars($12,000,000.00) only, in my department awaiting remittance. > I was a member of the contract award committee that monitoredthe award > and execution of a contract of US$145M by a foreign firm,my colleagues > and myself over invoiced this contract and declared US$145M. > After the successful execution of the contract, and theoriginal > contractor paid his US$145M, we now have US$12M that we can onlyclaim > with the assistance of a foreign firm. > I now seek if you would permit the said funds to be remittedinto your > personal company account, so that the money so remitted willbe shared > mutually among the parties concerned, including you. > However, I would wish to receive your personal assurancethat you would > not sit on the money when it goes into your account. Moreimportantly, > you keep confidential this transaction, in order not to tarnishthe > confidence reposed in the officials involved in this transaction, > Tentatively, we have agreed that 70% of the money goesto the officers > where this money originated, 20% to the owner of the account,while 10% > would be used to defray whatever expenses that may be incurredin the > course of this transaction. > You are expected to forward to me through the above telefaxnumber, the > following details: > > (a) Name of bank where you want the money to be transferred; > (b) Account number and name of the account: > (c) Bank address, telephone, fax and telex number; > (d) Your personal telephone and fax number > > Be informed that on the completion of this business, Iwill use my share > of the money to procure goods from your company or anycompany you may > introduce. > Do not contact your bank yet because payment justificationis going to > be provided by the CENTRAL BANK OF NIGERIA to your bank. > > Finally, on acceptance of this request, please reply throughthe above > fax number. This is to guarantee the confidentialityof your interest. > > Best regards, > > MR. MUGABWE And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Dear Mr. Mugabwe, } } Thank you for your message. I should be delighted to assist. } } I should bring some aspects of my operating procedures to your } attention. By sending me a message, I am obligated to respond in kind. } All my correspondence is carefully monitored by moderators known as } 'priests'; from time to time they select exchanges of interest for } publication. Any priest reviewing this will, of course, not breach the } confidentiality of this transaction, provided they receive adequate } incentive. This will, no doubt, be covered by your expense allowance. } } Assuredly I will not sit on the money; to help avoid detection I will } transfer it to the accounts of my associates: Lisa, Zadoc, Kendai and } Og. (Well, maybe not Kendai.) These have the advantage that, being } entirely fictional like myself, they will not be subject to legal } action if any unfortunate consequences arise. } } I am intrigued by your offer to purchase goods from me with your share } of the proceeds. While my business dispenses information rather than } physical goods, I do receive large numbers of unusual items in payment } for my services. I would be glad to have your assistance in liquidating } some of my less useful items, such as the forty-seven tonnes of SPAM in } my warehouse. } } To improve the expediency of this transaction I will be utilizing my } Staff of Zot. This will be used to obliterate, or at least debilitate, } anyone who attempts to prevent the deposit of large amounts of money } into my account, or fails to deal with me with due respect and } confidence. I have no doubt that you will completely fulfill your part } of this deal. } } The requested details will be sent to you separately. If you have any } more concerns, feel free to contact me. } } You owe the Oracle $2.4 million. --- 1360-04 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Alyce Wilson" The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } The supplicant shut the blinds tight. Fifteen } countries in under a month, and somehow the Oracle had } found him again. This time, as he stepped out of the } hotel shower, it had been written out in the } condensation of the mirror. } } "THE INTERNET ORACLE REQUIRES AN ANSWER TO THIS } QUESTION" } } In Paris, it had been a note slipped under his door. } Tangiers had seen it scrawled in graffiti across a } wall. Somehow it was the headline of the The Guardian } in London, though only in the copy he had bought from } the newstand. In Washington, "THE INTERNET ORACLE } REQUIRES AN ANSWER TO THIS QUESTION" had scrolled } across the bottom the screen as he watched CNN. } } It had been a simple tell me. A question about his } love life, nothing complicated. The answer hadn't } been anything he didn't know: "you must face adversity } together before you can know how to face joy." A bit } serious, perhaps, but the price was high. The } question that he had to answer came back, a similar } type question: "What is it women want?" He had toyed } with a long Freudian analysis, and rejected it. He } had half started a dialogue between Lisa and the } Oracle, and it had degenerated into one giant in joke. } } Then the reminders started coming into his email. } Fair enough, the 24 hour rule seemed to have expired. } He sat and thought about Zotting the question, but } somehow he knew that it wouldn't suffice. Especially } when he called his bank to check his account balance, } and was informed that they couldn't respond to his } query because the Internet Oracle Required a Response } to This Question. } } It had seriously gotten out of hand when he went to } work the next day. Memo after memo from his boss } asking where the Internet Oracle's response was. The } printer started malfunctioning with page after page of } "THE ZOT IS COMING. THE ZOT IS COMING. THE ZOT IS } COMING." } } So he ran, and maxed out his credit cards in an } attempt to throw the Oracle off the trail. Now, } finally in Vancouver, out of cash, out of ideas, out } of hope, and with the vending machine down the hall } dispensing only ZOT Cola, he was cornered at last. } But there was no good response to question. He had no } idea what women wanted. Unless... } } He grabbed the hotel phone and dialed. There was } Marie, the woman he had asked about all those days } ago. "What is it you want?" he asked. And she told } him. } } Then, not quite understanding but knowing it was } enough, he booted up his laptop. --- 1360-05 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Klone (aka Daniel V Klein) The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oracle, most...you know, that word that begins with 'i', the one that > means smart...who knows all and sees all, including that word that > means eating fancy food, that one that begins with 'd'. > > How do I make better my...that word that begins with a 'v', means the > words you know...oh, yeah, vocabulary. How do I make my vocabulary > smarter? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } HOW TO IMPROVE YOUR VOCABULARY } } 1. Get a dictionary. } You can go over to your local Buns & Noodle and get a } brand-new shiny Webster's dictionary, but I'll let you in on a secret: } the English language has not changed much in the past 100 years, and a } dictionary from 1940 will suit you just fine (granted, it may not } mention that "uranium" is radioactive, but when was the last time you } found big jars labeled "uranium" just lying around?). Because of } this, I recommend you find a nice used bookstore and get an old used } dictionary for a significant discount. } Now, we need structured method for transferring the knowledge } stored in the dictionary into your head. You could just start reading } the dictionary from "A" onward, but that would get boring quickly, and } you don't really need to know what "absinthe" is. Ideally, we want a } method that is helpful (so that you can use the new words you learn), } and that is enjoyable (so that you can stick with it). This leads us } to... } } 2. Get some reading material that you want to read *and* which is } just a little above your reading level. } If you get something too easy to read, like "The Very Hungry } Caterpillar," you won't see any new words, and you won't need to look } these words up in the dictionary. On the other hand, if you get } "Chaos: The Making of a New Science" by James Gleick, you'll be } overwhelmed with new words, and you'll be too discouraged to continue. } So get something in between, like "Isle of View" by Piers Anthony, or } even a nice Donald Duck comic book, if "Isle of View" is too difficult } or boring. } } 3. Read the reading material, and look up the words you don't } understand. } It's deviously simple. Suppose you're reading something, and } suppose you care about what you're reading, and then you see a word } you don't understand. You look it up, re-read the sentence, and it } makes sense, and you move on. Easy! Soon, you've read the entire } piece, and maybe you have filled your world with an aspect of wonder } and whimsy that you never knew before; but also, you have learned some } new words. } } 4. Go to step 2. and repeat until your vocabulary is smart enough } for you. } It sounds boring, doesn't it? I mean, you're looking at this } e-mail, and you think: "Why would I want to do this forever and ever? } What's the point?" And that's the second deviously simple part of } this plan: it's *fun*. You'll start reading a book like "Hearts In } Atlantis" by Stephen King, and someone will offer you free donuts or } something, and you'll be *so involved* in reading the part about the } little boy and the 3-card Monte scam artist, that you'll *put off* the } reward of delicious donuts for the opportunity to finish that exciting } part of the story. You'll find yourself sitting in a chair for hours } and hours, just reading. You'll miss your bus stop because you were } so excited about what was happening in the story! } } Helpful Hints: } } 5. Don't watch TV. } TV is a thief of time. It's like a drug that slowly makes you } stupid. Instead of watching TV for an hour, go to a nice quiet room } (use earplugs if necessary, they are available for cheap at any gun } range) and read something for an hour. } } 6. Make a movie in your mind. } When you read a book, imagine you're directing a movie in your } mind. If the book has a character who is a nice old, grandfatherly } guy, imagine Wilford Brimley is that character. If the guy is from } Eastern Europe, imagine it's Bela Lugosi -- even though the real Bela } Lugosi is actually dead, you can imagine him saying the words and } doing the things the character in the book is saying and doing. You } pick the actors! You design the sets! Then the whole thing can "come } alive" in your mind. } } You owe the Oracle a good book. --- 1360-06 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Christophe The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Mr. Oracle? Mr. Internet (alias Usenet) Oracle? > > I'm afraid I'm going to have to arrest you for murduring humor. > > Sergeant! Cuff him and take him away to be punished. And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Oh, 'tis a fair cop, Cop. I was already under investigation } by the House Punamerican Activities Committee. I have always } been an incorrigible punster, and my only defense is that my } parents incorriged me. I throw myself on the mercy of the } court because, though some call a pun the lowest form of wit, } poetry is often much verse; and when puns are outlawed, only } outlaws will be punished. But I suspect M'lud will decide } that I must be drawn and quoted. If so, my dying words will } be that if puns were deli meat, this last one was my wurst. } } You owe the Oracle some off the cuff remarks. --- 1360-07 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Klone (aka Daniel V Klein) The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Almighty Oracle, whose Jenga stack I am not worthy to knock over... > whose cruel idea was it for the word "Lisp" to have a "S" in it? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Said "S" survives at the sufferance of the Society for the } Socialization of Slip-shod Speakers and Solipsists, sorry to say. } Sadly, Samantha Snead, Secretary of the Society, who in the seventies } swore such sappy spelling should suffer suspension, suffocated in her } sleep. Her successor as secretary, Soupy Sales, supports said sappy } spelling, screaming surreal statements at any who say such an "s" } should be suspended, until such a spelling supporter should be } silenced. } } You owe the oracle a recording of you reading the above seventeen times } fast. (That'll teach you to knock over my Jenga!) --- 1360-08 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Alyce Wilson" The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > THE ZOMBIES are out! Free to find their own suppers! And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Really, supplicant. Why should I be bothered about the sexual } orientation of the average zombie. In fact, the majority of zombies } are, if anything cranisexual, given their lust for } "Brrrrrainnnnnssss!!". } } As to finding their suppers, there are many fried delacacies from the } local chipper that they will find enticing. } } Fish supper: Not really enticing to the zombie. } Sausage supper: The more dubious contents of the sausage should satisfy } the zombie's hunger for a short while but we can do better than this. } Red pudding supper: a truly offal offering. even more dubious than the } average sausage as nobody really knows what it is. } Mock chop supper: For the toothless zombie- equivilent of spam. Very } nasty. Black pudding supper: More for the vampire, containing as it } does more blood than brain. can be crunchy if overcooked. } Meat pie supper: The gristly contents and the rock-hard casing make } this supper a good replacement for the human head. extra points for } brown sauce. Haggis supper: The peak of the zombie chip-shop } experience. every kind of offal under the sun, even contains brains if } from a dodgy enough establishment. } } If you see someone enjoying the fabled haggis supper, you may not be } confronting a zombie. You may in fact be confronting a scotsman, in } which case you should perform the following test. Stare at the owner of } the greasy fried treat for a total of 10 seconds and see what response } you get. Zombie: Will shout "Braaaaainnnnnsssss!" and lunge for your } skull. Scotsman: Will shout "Hey-fityoolookinatyeweegadgiegetyer } haunsaffmeehag'saforeaychibyewanyewenedye". Less harmful than zombie. } } You owe the Oracle a deep-fried mars bar. --- 1360-09 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Dr. Noe The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh Oracle Most Wise and Superhuman, > > Who is the next comic book hero we will see a blockbuster > movie made about? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Voiceover: In Troubled Times... } (Crane shot panning over people sitting at computers in cubicles) } Voiceover: The World looks for... } (camera pans over the exterior of a huge marble temple) } Voiceover: A HERO! } (Sunrise over the mountains, the shadow of a man in a robe) } (fast music) } (Montage: a mass of woodchucks growling/a puny man in a purple robe } groveling/a caveman looking confused/a scruffy man running/a computer } room/a staff swinging through the air/a lighting strike) } (cut to black/single drumbeat) } } T.I.O. } } Coming soon to a theatre near you. } } (many woodchucks were harmed in the making of this movie) --- 1360-10 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Klone (aka Daniel V Klein) The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Great Oracle, whose knowledge of trivia is anything > but, please tell me: > > How do your various incarnations feel about getting > small glimpses of various supplicants lives, and > always wondering "What happened next?" And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } As with everything, the answer to this question lies in The Fall by } Albert Camus, an excellent author for a mortal, but not even close } to the immense writing talent of The Internet Oracle. } } On pages 38-41, Jean-Baptiste Clamence explains to his unnamed friend } of a time when he stood on the Pont des Artes in Paris, a small island } which he felt he dominated merely by standing on it. Suddenly, he heard } a howling, jolly laugh break out behind him, shattering the silence. } He reeled about quickly, unable to find the source of the sound. } The laughter continued, beginning to sound further and further away, } eventually disappearing. } } Instead of concerning himself with trivial, mortal things as you do, } such as "What happened next?", he went home, seeing himself smile in } the mirror, and the smile seemed "double" to him. } } Later, on pages 69-71, Clamence explains to his nameless companion of a } time he was walking across a bridge in Paris, and came upon a rather } pretty woman dressed in all black standing at the edge, starting } down at the water. He, being a noted casanova, considered "picking } her up," as you mortals say, but instead walked on to get home. } After crossing the bridge, he heard a sound of a body striking the } water, and repeated cries fading downstream, then ceasing. He felt } shocked, and trembled for a bit, straining to listen, but he assures } that it was because of the cold. Then, he walked home. } } Did he worry about "What happens next?" No, you fool! He avoided the } newspapers for the next several days, and informed no one. } } So, I suppose that is your answer, mon cher compatriote. When I get a } glimpse of a supplicant's life, I simply walk home, avoid the papers, } and give the mirror a double grin. } } Whatever that means. } } You owe the oracle a guide to interpreting French philosophical } literature.