From oracle-admin@cs.indiana.edu Fri Apr 16 22:46:56 2004 Received: from moose.cs.indiana.edu (localhost [127.0.0.1]) by moose.cs.indiana.edu (8.12.10/8.12.10/IUCS_2.61) with ESMTP id i3H3ktVF001846; Fri, 16 Apr 2004 22:46:55 -0500 (EST) Received: (from daemon@localhost) by moose.cs.indiana.edu (8.12.10/8.12.10/Submit) id i3H3kt8S001844; Fri, 16 Apr 2004 22:46:55 -0500 (EST) Date: Fri, 16 Apr 2004 22:46:55 -0500 (EST) From: Internet Oracle Message-Id: <200404170346.i3H3kt8S001844@moose.cs.indiana.edu> To: oracle-list@cs.indiana.edu Subject: Internet Oracularities #1356 Reply-To: oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu X-Face: )/f9dPAX/dU$1Z!U(/?A PiIJvIOtcN@L.>6,2OKd."T#S7b*{feRf.Kns23^P9.Ak{GdWWv]0*1E}RJ)_idU:(5VkN*_+bB kyrnLfC12B>V/q=z32:05`EcAd.!z#3k]h)O!ZU^E"f`@),(2WT X-Planation: X-Face can be used with www.cs.indiana.edu/ftp/faces === 1356 ================================================================= Title: Internet Oracularities #1356 Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler Date: Fri, 16 Apr 2004 22:46:44 -0500 (EST) To find out all about the Internet Oracle (TM), including how to participate, send mail to oracle@cs.indiana.edu with the word "help" in the subject line. ("Internet Oracle" is a trademark of Stephen B Kinzler.) Let us know what you like! Send your ratings of these 10 Oracularities on an integer scale of 1 ("very bad") to 5 ("very good") with the volume number to oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu (probably just reply to this message). For example: 1356 2 1 3 4 3 5 3 3 4 1 1351 59 votes 08apg 38hm9 cig94 25efn 4sfb1 4clg6 39fkc 79oi1 5ahha 4ddk9 1351 3.2 mean 3.8 3.4 2.6 3.9 2.6 3.1 3.5 2.9 3.3 3.3 --- 1356-01 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Tim Chew The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh Oracle most historical and hysterical, > > What fads and pop culture events are going to be featured on the next > episode of VH-1's "I Love The 1870's"? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } - The medical benefits of corsets } - This ridiculous new 'steam engine' invention } - The 'man with no hat in public' scandal } - More evidence of the veracity of phrenology } - The lies and misdeeds of the war in India } - Shocking and indecent lyrics in Schopenhauer's latest - including the } word 'beaudoir' } - The year's funniest executions --- 1356-02 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Klone (aka Daniel V Klein) The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > look , i think i am > becoming a neurotic and i do not really want to have > any psychopharmalogical impairments for the rest of my > life . i tried drowning myself in computers , didn't > work . then i decided to commit suicide by eating and > eating and and eating . the result was one week in the > hospital . then i tried falling in love . but i was > already so fat and thick due to my newly acquired > eating habits that i was marked by a phenomenal > failure . > what do i do ? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } You cook the french fries at a McDonalds across town. } } But despite your mundane testing of My omniscience, I sense, } from the lengthy paragraph that precedes your question, that } you would like for someone to make sense of your life for } you. I recommend you acquire a copy of "Sanity for Dummies", } written by, well modesty prevents Me from mentioning His name } but I think you'll consider the Author *very* trustworthy, as } well as eminently sane (all commitment procedings have ended } in acquittal or deadlocked juries) and therefore an expert. } } "Sanity for Dummies" } Table Of Contents: } } Introduction: Sanity, One Trick Pony or Alternate Lifestyle? } Chapter 1: Dare to be Sane } Chapter 2: The Princples of Going Sane } Chapter 3: The Real Princples of Going Sane } Chapter 4: No Seriously, Here's How You Do It } Chapter 5: But What If That Doesn't Work? } Chapter 6: In That Case, Try This. } Chapter 7: Nope, Sorry, Nothing. } Chapter 8: Really? Try It Again. Maybe Try It In Reverse Order. } Chapter 9: I Told You, it iSn'T wOrKiNg!!! } Chapter 10: You Used an Ermine, Not a Stoat, Right? That's a Common } Mistake. } Chapter 11: iM dRoWnInG nI cOmPuTeRs aNd pSyChOpHaRmAlOgIcAl } iMpAiRmEnTs! } Chapter 12: What Did You Really Expect, You Unlovable Fat Slob? } Chapter 13: Why, you stupid toad! I ought to beat your brain out! } Chapter 14: No! Put Down That Pickle! } Afterword: Sanity, Not All It's Cracked Up To Be } Epilogue: Cracked Up, Get It? Hahahaha, I Slay Me. } Index } } As you can see, it covers all the bases, and I'm sure you'll } be better in no time. Try losing a little weight, too. } } You owe the Oracle a signed copy of Ronald McDonald's autobiography. --- 1356-03 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Tim Chew The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Dear Oracle, I am a supplicant who crawls the ground, hoping > for something worthwhile I can do. You are the exhalted > Oracle, swooping through the intellectual sky, warning > supplicants who sway too close to asking about marmots. > > Your recent answer was incrudibly ungrammatical, as if > it had been composed by a supplicant instead of your esteamed > oracular self. "Thou hath???" You already know that it's > "Thou hast." And on and on with pompous-sounding trivialities > and blunders. > > What on earth were you trying to accomplish? The point, whatever > it was, was lost on me. And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } It wath a tetht. } By notithing the mithtake, you patht the tetht. --- 1356-04 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Mark Lawrence" The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh Oracle Most Wise, > > Condoleezza, Condoleezza, men have named you, > You're so like the lady with the mystic smile. > Is it only 'cause al Qaeda foes have flamed you? > For you know the plan is next to bomb the Nile. > > Does this have any chance on top-40 radio? > > Nathaniel Adams And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } It's silly, pointless, and doesn't make sense. } } Stands as good a chance as anything. --- 1356-05 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Klone (aka Daniel V Klein) The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh, most foreseeing Oracle, please tell me: > > If I use Google's new GMail service, will my privacy be at risk? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Of course not, mister Harrison Lemuel Shlabotnick of 741 Oak Drive, } Conniption, New Jersey, phone 609-555-8386, SSN# 803-25-0622, Chase } Manhattan account number 999-00-77419, married to Helga nee Svenborg } on August 20, 1987, two children, one cat, mortgage of $241,063 } remaining on your house. Why ever would you even think to ask? } } You owe the Oracle a revised version of Orwell's 1984, with "Big } Brother" edited to read "Free Enterprise". --- 1356-06 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Klone (aka Daniel V Klein) The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > (adj) Oracle, who's (adj) (noun) and (adj) (physical characteristic) > are (a dj) than any (noun) in (time period), I (verb) myself before you > for knowledg e. > > Will I really go blind if I keep doing it? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } I'm afraid so. "Polis ing the bishop" cr ates microscopic holes in } your etina, whi h manifest t emselves as inte mittent gaps in your } field of } v sion. Fortun tely, you don't notic these in ordin ry life, as the } br in fills in the holes, ut they become ver obvious when ou attempt } to read t xt. } } You owe the racle nothin . I really don't ant to have to shak hands } wi h you. --- 1356-07 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Alyce Wilson" The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh Oracle Most Wise, > > I can answer any question. Go ahead, just ask me anything. > > For instance, "Why question authority?". Or, "Would I ask > you a rhetorical question?". Oh, "To vacillate or not to > vacillate, that is the question .... or is it?". Maybe even, > "As long as the answer is right, who cares if the question > is wrong?" Yeah. A question about questions. Can you ask > me something like one of those? > > (P.S. To save you and me both some time, I'll tell you in > advance my answer to your question: "I don't know." That's > a good answer to any question. Mark Twain said so; QED.) And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Oracle - "Zadoc! ZADOC!" } } (enter Zadoc, prostrating himself and grovelling) } } Zadoc - "Yes, liege and ever-benign master?" } } O - "Look at this garbage! It seems like there's more of them every } day!" } } Z - "Master, I'm sorry, but we haven't the power or resources to cause } an end to the garbage strike. The union demands are just too great for } our budget to.." } } O - "NO, you imbecile! These questions! These SUPPLICANTS! It seems } like for every bag of honest, straightforward, properly grovelled } questions you bring me, I get another two bags of supplicants who think } THEY'RE the omniscients being!" } } Z - "I.. I'm sorry, master, that I haven't done as bang-up of a job on } filtering as I should. I'll retire myself to your discipline chambers } and scourge myself immediately.." } } O - "No, Zadoc! That can wait until after lunch. We need to take care } of these supplanting supplicants immediately. I'm sure you know what } to do." } } Z - "Well, I know you wanted the turkey and swiss on rye, but I don't } think we have the kitchen stocked enough to feed the troublemakers too, } sir." } } O - "Feed the..? You.. NO, ZADOC! I want you to fetch me my Staff of } Zot and the Enchanted Distilling Equipment! I know EXACTLY what will } set these uppity supplicants right!" } } Z - "But, the turkey and swiss on rye is still a go, master?" } } O - "Yes, I think that would be.. NO, YOU FOOL! THIS IS MORE IMPORTANT } THAN YOUR THRICE-DAMNED DELICATISSANRY!" } } Z - "If you say so, sir, but I really think you're missing out this } time. I got the rye from that new Great Harvest that opened up on } 3rd." } } O - "Great Harvest, you say? Well, that does sound.. GAH! No, Zadoc, } I'm sure this can wait! We'll handle the supplicants, then go for } lunch." } } Z - "Aye, Master!" } } (Zadoc runs to fetch the Enchanted Distilling Equipment, recently } "borrowed" from the Guinness Brewery, and the infamous Staff of Zot) } } Z - "Here it is, master! And black as a pint, it is!" } } O - "Excellent, Zadoc! Now, I shall take the Staff, and route a Class } 3 ZOT through the distillery, and.." } } (hours pass) } } O - "It is done! A pint worth of bitterness in every reply to } smart-alecky upstart supplicants who dare to question me with questions } of questioning!" } } Z - "..I don't understand, master." } } O - "Precisely! Now, a triumphant return!" } } Z - "And lunch?" } } O - "Especially lunch!" } } You owe the Oracle a 6" meatball sub and a pint of the black stuff. --- 1356-08 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Dave Hemming The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > O most perspicuous Oracle, > whose nose-hairs I am not worthy to comb, > > Is it really you, or has the work been out-sourced to India? > (... which almost sounds like "Indiana" anyway) And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Good noon to you, my name is called "Chewing Tim" and I will am your } Omniscient Oracle for this letter. You are asking about out-sourced to } India. Ha. Ha, silly suppercat. Please be checking your frequently } asked FAQ and you will be seeing there is no problem. All parts of } Internet product Oracle are certifiable, 100% of Delphi temple but say } Indiana if suppercat mentions Indiana. Ah! Yes, I am saying 100% } of Indiana, so this is not covered by warranty. If you have wanting of } further support, please you will have subscription to premium service. } Thank you for having with purchase the product, computer your } Omniscient Oracle. } } Please send to Omniscient Oracle "replace this statement in quotes with } humourous item appropriate to answer sent to suplicant." --- 1356-09 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Klone (aka Daniel V Klein) The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Do I exist? > > god.almighty@heaven.gov And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Up through my teens I had high hopes for you, but at present } I have to say your outlook for existence isn't so hot. } } I'm given to understand that humans are created by you bearing } Original Sin, which you hate, but which conveniently can be } washed away by simply believing in your human incarnation, } making you happy. Seems like an awfully long way around. } } You seem to tell only a small group of people what the truth } really is, and rely on them to spread the word. The Amway } multi-level approach works OK for selling household products } but seems beneath the methods of an Almighty. } } You tell one group of believers to kill another group of your } believers, on some pretext like not wiping with the proper } hand or not getting to vote every four years in elections that } are rigged by big money anyway. If belief is that important } to you, one would imagine you to not want to get them killed } off so readily; and if one group simply misunderstood you, } why not straighten them out without any middlemen? } } Disease and natural disasters and all the various similar } arguments against your existence continue to cause suffering. } I don't see much correlation to these things being better } for those who believe in you. And penicillin doesn't seem } to require the patient to believe in it, to work. } } You created free will, but then what I hear is that the only } permissible conclusion one can draw is of your existence. } } If you created me, it was with this blasted rational mind, but } then I'm told I have to put that aside and take you on faith, } where lack of evidence is itself the proof that you must be } there. } } All in all, you might exist but it's hard to discern any } value to deciding yes or no. I'm going to pass on this one. } } You owe the Oracle a sign, one that doesn't involve a bunch } of fire and brimstone after it's too late to do anything } about it. Please? --- 1356-10 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Christophe The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > What is the name of that Orc? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } I already told you, what's on second. } } You owe the Oracle a pitcher tomorrow.