From oracle-admin@cs.indiana.edu Mon Oct 20 16:49:45 2003 Received: from moose.cs.indiana.edu (localhost [127.0.0.1]) by moose.cs.indiana.edu (8.12.10/8.12.10/IUCS_2.60) with ESMTP id h9KLniIS026084; Mon, 20 Oct 2003 16:49:45 -0500 (EST) Received: (from daemon@localhost) by moose.cs.indiana.edu (8.12.10/8.12.10/Submit) id h9KLniHr026082; Mon, 20 Oct 2003 16:49:44 -0500 (EST) Date: Mon, 20 Oct 2003 16:49:44 -0500 (EST) From: Internet Oracle Message-Id: <200310202149.h9KLniHr026082@moose.cs.indiana.edu> To: oracle-list@cs.indiana.edu Subject: Internet Oracularities #1340 Reply-To: oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu X-Face: )/f9dPAX/dU$1Z!U(/?A PiIJvIOtcN@L.>6,2OKd."T#S7b*{feRf.Kns23^P9.Ak{GdWWv]0*1E}RJ)_idU:(5VkN*_+bB kyrnLfC12B>V/q=z32:05`EcAd.!z#3k]h)O!ZU^E"f`@),(2WT X-Planation: X-Face can be used with www.cs.indiana.edu/ftp/faces === 1340 ================================================================= Title: Internet Oracularities #1340 Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler Date: Mon, 20 Oct 2003 16:49:33 -0500 (EST) To find out all about the Internet Oracle (TM), including how to participate, send mail to oracle@cs.indiana.edu with the word "help" in the subject line. ("Internet Oracle" is a trademark of Stephen B Kinzler.) Let us know what you like! Send your ratings of these 10 Oracularities on an integer scale of 1 ("very bad") to 5 ("very good") with the volume number to oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu (probably just reply to this message). For example: 1340 2 1 3 4 3 5 3 3 4 1 1335 55 votes 7lbf1 dgg91 3asb3 0hqc0 19dp7 158kl 15mha 17dek 3hi89 3cjba 1335 3.2 mean 2.7 2.4 3.0 2.9 3.5 4.0 3.5 3.8 3.1 3.2 --- 1340-01 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: nolan@celery.tssi.com The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Great Oracle, > > Emerson + Thoreau = ? > Sqrt(Bach) = ? > Melville^Poe = ? > Mozart * Gothe = ? > Monet % Frost = ? > Dickens | Wordsworth = ? > Bush - Cheney = ? > grad(Perlman) = ? > Torvalds & Gates = ? > Zadoc / Lisa = ? > inf(Darwin) = ? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } > Emerson + Thoreau = ? } } Emeril. BAM! } } > Sqrt(Bach) = ? } } 54.6626014748658 (Bac in hex translates to 2988 in decimal) } } > Melville^Poe = ? } } Hellville } } > Mozart * Gothe = ? } } Go-Kart } } > Monet % Frost = ? } } Warmth } } > Dickens | Wordsworth = ? } } Heheheheheh you said "Dickens" } } > Bush - Cheney = ? } } -Cheney } } > grad(Perlman) = ? } } C++man } } > Torvalds & Gates = ? } } However you slice it, they're both nerds. } } > Zadoc / Lisa = ? } } I'd rather multiply with Lisa than divide her. } } > inf(Darwin) = ? } } Darlose --- 1340-02 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Klone (aka Daniel V Klein) The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oracle. Two questions. How many? When? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } About 40,000 of them. Right about...[KNOCK KNOCK KNOCK]... now. } } The Oracle owes you his sympathies, Mr Bartman. --- 1340-03 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Christophe The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > The Oracle is wisdom, The Oracle is Knowledge Manifest. The > Oracle is truthful and kind and forgiving and fuzzy, > > Why did Horus decide to play hockey? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } He was baited by his brother Seth, who taunted "heh, yeah, sure } you're a tough guy with the sword and all, but I bet I'd knock } your teeth out in a nice friendly game of hockey". It took some } doing, getting a section of the Nile to freeze over enough to } practice, but Horus now feels ready to join the Washington } Capitols (with their nice falcon emblem, they can't be all bad, } right?) and take on the Seths and the Gretskys of the world. --- 1340-04 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "T. Gies" The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > O Wise Oracle who never mistypes, > Thou dost not use the DELETE button; > Thou knowest when grapes are ripe. > Thou knowest the fundamentals of mutton. > > Thy wisdom is coveted by all; > None is as wise as thee. > Thy knowledge shall not fall. > Thy Supplicants in thee are free. And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Once and for all, stop with that stuff about "the fundamentals of } mutton"! I told you: yes, I was in Montana at the time, but that was } somebody else! I was in Missoula, 200 miles away! } } Now be off with you. Go hassle that guy with the gerbils or something. } } You owe The Oracle a pair of ferrets. And a sword. And a furry } loincloth. Always wanted one of those. --- 1340-05 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Klone (aka Daniel V Klein) The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Hey Orrie, > > I just wanted to say: I'm all hyped up for the release of 1339. And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Yes, well, I can understand that since you're not omniscient like me. } I find the whole thing rather boring since I already know what's going } to be in it. } } But do you care? Oh, no! Your feeble mind cannot begin to comprehend } what omniscience is like. But ironically, being omniscient means I } know what it's like to be non-omniscient. I don't know how you stand } it. } } Incidentally, your question will *not* be appearing in 1339. } } You owe the Oracle a precisely measured ounce of sympathy. No more, } no less. --- 1340-06 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Paul L. Kelly" The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Hey Oracle.. You're so great, yada yada yada. > > I'm about to start running a Vampire rpg campaign, and I need ideas for > about 20 NPCs. > > Could you just give me a neat story about a person (vampire or not) who > will live in my world? > > That'd be great. > Thanks. And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Once upon a time there was a vampire called Sally. One day she woke up } and looked outside. It was dark and the stars were out. "Oh, good," } thought Sally, "It's night time." So she went outside. } } Outside Sally saw her neighbour Mary. "Hello, Mary," said Sally. "Nice } night, isn't it?" } } "Night?" said Mary. "It's the middle of the day. It's a solar eclipse. } Isn't it marvellous?" } } "Eclipse?" said Sally. } } "Yes," said Mary. "It should be ending very soon now." } } Just then, the moon began to move away from the sun's face, and } daylight broke through. } } "Oh, bugger," said Sally. And Sally crumbled into dust. } } You owe the Oracle a SPF2000 sunscreen for vampires. --- 1340-07 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Paul L. Kelly" The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh Oracle Most Wise, > > in recent times, I have had two answers to questions > that have been both comprehensible, and useful. > > Has there been a change in policy? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } No, as you can see by a careful re-reading of your question } it is still standard policy for supplicants to complain no } matter what kind of answer they get. Thank you. } } You owe the Oracle a break. --- 1340-08 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: nolan@celery.tssi.com The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > dear Oracle > why dus that monky not like me????? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Calculating Clue Index: } } Grovel: "dear Oracle", -3 points } Capitalization: only 1 capitalized word, -2 points } Capitalized word is "Oracle", +1 point } Spelling mistakes: 2, -4 points } Question marks used: 4 surplus, -20 points } Grammatical errors: none, +5 points } Didn't use MIME or HTML: +10 points } } Total format marks: -14 points } } Question content: } Mildly amusing. No references to in-jokes. No references to culture. } Tenuous reference to science. } 11 points. } } Total Clue Index of supplicant: -3. } } Clue Index of monkey (estimated): 1. Monkey has more clue than the } supplicant. } } So the answer is, the monkey doesn't like you because you get more } computer time, and it feels slighted because it thinks all you use the } computer for is trivia like asking silly questions to omniscient } beings. And it's right. } } You owe the monkey a copy of NetHack 3.4.2. --- 1340-09 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: nolan@celery.tssi.com The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > oraclemostwisewhocanreadanythingcoherantstopitwouldseemthatsomeonehas > stolenallthekeysexceptthelettersandnumbersfrommykeyboardstopcanyouhelp > stop And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } When she told you she was leaving because she needed } more space, she wasn't kidding. --- 1340-10 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Klone (aka Daniel V Klein) The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > When the small crime where he became dirty us and bad > everything is known simultaneously all fear in the honeycomb > of the avaricious scorpion which shoots the dead light ray > from the Oracle their tail where the sweetest coating and > has been attached someone? The method of turning the > intestine whose s is large us from you, in addition, the > answering in most chewy centers which and me pursue > the secret of the art where wondrously conversation is gone > and, have known. Does everything when why translating that > from Japanese and the back section for the second time from > English, really become incomprehensible? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } For the last time, Mr Joyce, we're not interested } in your manuscript for "Finnegan's Wake: Part Two". } } You owe the Oracle an interview with Thomas Pynchon.