From oracle-admin@cs.indiana.edu Tue Sep 9 10:39:16 2003 Received: (from daemon@localhost) by moose.cs.indiana.edu (8.11.6p2/8.11.6/IUCS_2.53) id h89FBQn13960; Tue, 9 Sep 2003 10:11:26 -0500 (EST) Date: Tue, 9 Sep 2003 10:11:26 -0500 (EST) From: Internet Oracle Message-Id: <200309091511.h89FBQn13960@moose.cs.indiana.edu> To: oracle-list@cs.indiana.edu Subject: Internet Oracularities #1334 Reply-To: oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu X-Face: )/f9dPAX/dU$1Z!U(/?A PiIJvIOtcN@L.>6,2OKd."T#S7b*{feRf.Kns23^P9.Ak{GdWWv]0*1E}RJ)_idU:(5VkN*_+bB kyrnLfC12B>V/q=z32:05`EcAd.!z#3k]h)O!ZU^E"f`@),(2WT X-Planation: X-Face can be used with www.cs.indiana.edu/ftp/faces === 1334 ================================================================= Title: Internet Oracularities #1334 Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler Date: Tue, 09 Sep 2003 10:11:14 -0500 (EST) To find out all about the Internet Oracle (TM), including how to participate, send mail to oracle@cs.indiana.edu with the word "help" in the subject line. ("Internet Oracle" is a trademark of Stephen B Kinzler.) Let us know what you like! Send your ratings of these 10 Oracularities on an integer scale of 1 ("very bad") to 5 ("very good") with the volume number to oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu (probably just reply to this message). For example: 1334 2 1 3 4 3 5 3 3 4 1 1329 57 votes 4oi74 4alk2 57lj5 1a7of 29igc 15cof 1chl6 0ageh 6fid5 1ejh6 1329 3.3 mean 2.7 3.1 3.2 3.7 3.5 3.8 3.3 3.7 2.9 3.2 --- 1334-01 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Klone (aka Daniel V Klein) The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > I grovel before you, oh great one. I am not fit to tie your shoes. > (Sorry about that time you tripped and fell due to my lack of > shoe-tying fitness.) Please answer this humble question: > > When will the new trailer for "The Lord of the Rings: Return of the > King" come out? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } What do you think the first two films were? } } You owe the Oracle an advance screening of a sneak preview of a } behind-the-scenes special on the making of the trailer for Matrix 3. --- 1334-02 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Christophe The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > O Oracle most wise, > > What's a good translation of these lyrics? > > M-GM-1M-GM-CM-cM-[M-GM-CM-gsM-GM-^BM-b M-GM-^_M-GM-^J > M-GM-PM-GM-fM-eM-)M-GM-6M-G M-qM-"M-sM-`M-GM-CM-ngM-GM-^AM-G M-GM-K > > M-jM-^OM-GM-4M-GM-^_M-GM-"M-GM-HM-GM-"M-GM-^BM-GM-,M-GM-}M-GM-CM-b^M-qM > -^GM-GM-^UM-bzM-GM-6M-GM-^_M-gsM-GM-^BM-mNM-GM-^JM-cM-^DM-GM-LM-GM-KM-m > NM-GM-^JM-jM-xM-GM-'M-GM-^_M-GM-"M-GM-HM-GM-CM-GM-fM-GM-NM-GM-' > > M-jlM-GM-UM-jsM-GM-4M-GM-HM-qM-^GM-GM-CM-gM-aM-d'M-GM-^J > M-hoM-bM-TM-GM-'M-GM-1M-GM-^PM-GM-^JM-cM-XM-GM-6M-GM-HM-d'M-GM-UM-GM-;M > -GM-"M-GM-^GM-GM-^PM-GM-6M-gM-0M-lM-^YM-GM- M-GM-1M-GM-CM-jM-"M-d > EM-GM-^AM-hIM-GM-NM-GM-'M-GM-^PM-GM-5M-GM-^_M-GM-"M-GM-^_M-GM-} > M-eNM-GM-^UM-`M-'M-GM-^EM-GM-HM-GM-fM-GM-NM-GM-' > > M-qM-^?M-rRM-GM-MM-lM-^YM-GM-^AM-sDM-GM-5M-GM-^BM-GM-^_ > M-GM- M-GM-}M-GM-*M-GM-MM-GM-UM-biM-bM-lM-GM- > M-GM-UM-GM-;M-GM-^BM-GM-^_ > > M-`M-OM-GM-MM-hoM-GM-HM-nM-~M-GM-5M-GM-pM-GM-^JM-mnM-cM-VM-GM-UM-GM-}M- > GM-'M-kM-lM-GM-^BM-GM-;M-GM-KM-eM-fM-stM-GM-}M-eM-UM-GM-MM-GM-^_M-GM-^G > M-GM-fM-`M-'M-GM-fM-GM-XM-icM-GM-MM-GM-^QM-GM-"M-GM-"M-GM-@ > > M-jlM-GM-UM-jsM-GM-4M-GM-HM-qM-^GM-GM-^JM-rfM-GM-LM-GM-^DM-GM-M > M-iM-{M-GM-^JM-jlM-GM-^JM-jhM-GM-^BM-G M-GM-^GM-GM-MM-GM-J > M-GM-^GM-GM-^PM-GM-6M-gM-0M-lM-^YM-GM- M-GM-1M-GM-CM-jM-"M-dEM-GM > -^AM-hIM-GM-NM-GM-'M-GM-^PM-GM-5M-GM-^_M-GM-"M-GM-^_M-GM-} > M-eNM-GM-^UM-iM-AM-GM-HM-GM-fM-GM-NM-GM-' > > M-eNM-GM-^JM-eM-^^M-GM-^UM-lM-UM-GM-XM-GM-^GM-GM-^BM-GM-^_M-E@M-eNM-GM- > CM-hM-^QM-dM-AM-GM- M-qM-8M-GM-5M-GM-^_ > > M-jlM-GM-UM-jsM-GM-4M-GM-HM-qM-^GM-GM-CM-gM-aM-d'M-GM-^J > M-hoM-bM-TM-GM-'M-GM-1M-GM-^PM-GM-^JM-cM-XM-GM-6M-GM-HM-d'M-GM-UM-GM-;M > -GM-"M-GM-^GM-GM-^PM-GM-6M-gM-0M-lM-^YM-GM- M-GM-1M-GM-CM-jM-"M-d > EM-GM-^AM-hIM-GM-NM-GM-'M-GM-^PM-GM-5M-GM-^_M-GM-"M-GM-^_M-GM-} > M-eNM-GM-^UM-`M-'M-GM-^EM-GM-HM-GM-fM-GM-NM-GM-' And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } It does not translate well to English, but here is a good } approximation: } } Oh, give me a home } Where the buffalo roam } } And the snarflez eat gnubbies all day. } Where hardly seldom is often heard } } "Skree! Skazzal!" } "Dive baby dive!" } And other ululating cries relating to pineal distress } Of tympanial origin. } } Home, home on } Le Grange-bar over Diamond-X, } } We eat fritters and sauteed dilurchean eyestalks. } That's the way, uh-huh uh-huh, we like them! } } Pi rho delta, we hail } Thy blissful wail; } Tell true that we may ever be enlightend of our ways, } Why not? } } Oven fires are hot, our lovers are not, } } But our fires burn deep } With no aloe to salve our feet. } Eat the vermillion gharaxx! Free the pupae slaves! Die in vain, } for ours is the way. } } This was a hit for about 82 microseconds on pulsar 1302-635, } but would have been better left forgotten. You owe the Oracle } a way to get this tune out of his head. --- 1334-03 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Klone (aka Daniel V Klein) The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Great Oracle, > > Is there actually an image file format that can compress a picture so > that it is no larger than a file containing 1,000 words, and if so, > is this a 1,000 words of plaintext or of formatted text? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } While a good picture is worth a thousand words, the reverse is } hardly ever true: There are very few sets of one thousand words } which can be adequately expressed by a single picture. } } Fortunately, there is a compression algorithm which can reduce any } image file to an arbitrarily-short data string. Allow me to illustrate } the Oracular Compression Algorithm for you. } } I have here a large diagram explaining the algorithm in full. As you } can see (if you are as omniscient as I), this is a complex document, } incorporating full 96-bit RGB color, an alpha channel, many 3-D } sections, several dozen QuickTime movies (including an amusing out-take } clip never before seen from Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory, in } which three Oompa Loompas apply a compression algorithm to Veruca Salt, } without much success), no fewer than three score interactive Flash } insets, and one scratch-and-sniff spot, all in an effort to explain } this (admittedly complex) algorithm. Truly, this is a wonderful } document, no less wonderful for its file size somewhat exceeding 500 } exabytes. Ahem. } } Now, in a Hofstadterian interval, please allow me to apply this amazing } algorithm to compress its own diagram file. Forgive me, for I haven't } yet coded the algorithm into a computer. Of course, no worthwhile } algorithm requires a computer, for one such as I. So I'll just manually } apply the algorithm to the data file. This will take a moment; don't go } away. } } Let's see here. Implode 781 petabytes. Carry the 23... Now } gzip -99. Bababadalgharaghtakamminarronnkonnbronntonner- } ronntuonnthunntrovarrhounawnskawntoohoohoordenenthur- } nuk! I dropped my slide rule, bother. Still keeping } one principal object in view... The Shannon number } remains duly invariant. Re-expand these thirteen } megabytes. Oh, look who thinks he's Clever Dan. } Drop this NUL byte. Convert ASCII to UTF-32. } Dissociate the compression table from the } data. Recursively traverse the tree of } redundancies of this section. Now move } nine bytes to the northeast, fifteen } millimeters. Drop twenty redundant } bits here. When operating System } A, depress the green lever and } a plastic dalkron eliminator } will shortly be dispensed } through the slot located } immediately underneath. } Simply downgrade the } datastream through } the infundibulum. } Justly balance } the megabyte } reductions. } Oh mygod, } it'sfu } llofs } tar } s } } And there you have it! Your compressed document is as follows: } } 078-05-1120 } } You owe the Oracle the decompression algorithm. --- 1334-04 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Klone (aka Daniel V Klein) The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Dear all knowing Oracle, > > boxers or wrestlers? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Throngs. --- 1334-05 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Klone (aka Daniel V Klein) The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Once there was a group of three, > young Marc, and Jan, and me. > Down to the see we went, > and saw a sailboat there, for rent. > Off we took, the wind was strong, > we were far out before too long. > Then calmness came, the sailboat stopped; > Marc and Jan into the greenish water hopped. > The wind picked up again at noon > and moved the ship away quite soon. > I tried to turn, to no avail, > 'twas no wonder, I can't sail. > The Coastguard picked me up at one, > but never found they Marc and Jan. > > What happened to them? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Though "one" does not rhyme with "Jan", } Your question I'll answer, because I can. } Marc and Jan paddled the rest of the day, } treading water and trying to pray. } Sharks did circle and the sun beat down, } if not eaten they feared they'd drown. } They swam and swam and swam some more, } across the sea to Bora-Bor. } They wandered through the jungle green, } and ate dead monkeys with lima beans. } They joined a tribe and learned how to dance, } and now they wear no underpants. } This is all that you need to know, } it's been fun, but I've got to go. } Rhyming like this can make me irate, } each sentence has to somehow relate, } to this silly story about a trip, } with Marc and Jan in a rented ship. } You were the one who left them there, } and now I am trapped in rhyming despair. } Alas, the Oracle will not be tricked, } to rhyming up answers like some freakin beatnik, } You've found your friends now go and be gone, } you owe the Oracle a question that doesn't rhyme. --- 1334-06 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Dr. Noe The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > The Oracle hit the "Send" button and leaned back. He poured himself > some red wine and let the questions of the past few hours pass before > his inner eye. > They had been good questions - some of them had taken a long time to > answer, but he liked it when they were challenging. > Like the one with Commander Gies from Tribe 2. That question had taken > nearly one hour to answer. Partly because he didn't know heck about > Tribe 2 and partly because of the washing he'd hung up while developing > an answer. Had cost im a dollar in fees, but it was worth it. > Or the one with the evil secret societies spying on the supplicant. > He'd been amazed at just *how many* of them had set their eyes on the > poor fellow. > It was getting dark outside. Petty, really, the Oracle thought. It had > been a beautiful late summer day but he had spent it inside, blinds > closed, doing ask me's. > Ah well, the Oracle thought. Perhaps he'd get digested this time. If > that happened - well it was definitely worth all those sunny afternoons > he'd spent indoors writing answers. And if not in 1334 than perhaps in > 1335. The Oracle was patient. > But one thing remained to do. At last a question to ask himself: what > should he have for dinner? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } It was then that the Oracle noticed that Lisa was nowhere to be seen. } "Lisa?" he called out. "Where's dinner?" He paused. } } There was no reply. } } He shrugged and began to search around and was surprised to find that a } layer of dust had settled upon the temple. That lousy Zadoc, the } Oracle thought, He knows that keeping this place clean is his duty. } Indeed, the Oracle noticed, even the floor, usually polished to a } healthy glow by Zadoc's knees had taken on a scoop of the unsanitary } dust. He began to quiver: was it possible that something had happened } to all of the standard injokes? "Og? Thag? The SPCA? Tim Chew?" he } called out in rapid sequence, each time getting only his own echoing } voice throughout the cavernous chamber as an answer. } } He flew back to his terminal and began sifting through his sent mail. } A quick egrep confirmed it: there wasn't a single reference to an } injoke in the entire day's batch! He frowned, wished for anything to } end this, even a woodchuck question that he could ZOT away. And then } he stopped cold: for the Staff of Zot was gone too. } } Warily he turned around, and scanned the walls. But this wasn't his } temple at all: it was much too small, and all of the walls were padded. } How could this be? Where was his temple? Where was Lisa? Where was } his Staff? And most importantly, where was his dinner? } } --- } Meanwhile, some distance away, watching on a closed circuit television } set: } } Lisa frowned sadly. "That poor man," she said. "He's still reliving } it, isn't he?" Next to her, Dr. Ribol nodded. He put his hand on her } shoulder comfortingly. } } "Yes," he told her. "And it's possible he always will: he was lucky to } survive that blast that took out the ethernet connection in his temple, } but he can't face that everything else was destroyed. Look at him, } playing with his mashed potatoes as if they were a keyboard, staring } intently at his jello as if reading... He doesn't even realize that it } is all over." --- 1334-07 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Kirsten Chevalier The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Dear all knowing Oracle, > > today I went down to mess hall for the first time to get some food > locally and not having it delivered by Domino's and the like. > There I came upon something called "salad", a somewhat slimy or oily > green mass. Yuck! A revolting look, really. So I stuck to what I knew > and got myself a mars bar and a coke. > But I'm curious: what *is* this salad thing? What is it made of? What > company does produce it? And can I safely eat it? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } 'Salad' is derived from an ancient mesopotamian word, 'Seyllidhaimos', } meaning 'Star Demon'. These revolting masses fall to the earth from } time to time, as the Earth passes through a cloud of proto-organic } particulate. Salads are aggregations of the corpses of a variety of } simple space lifeforms, such as the green, lettuce-leaf like } Stylommatophora Stellaris (Space Slug), the white eggs of the so-called } 'Space Chicken', the avocado like Ahuacatli Vacuus (Vacuum Avocado), } the bitter tasting, olive like Olea Asteroeides (Asteroid Olive, } actually an animal) and often the orange, twiglike Daucus Carota Asteri } (Star Carrot). } } The mass, when collected, is often covered in an oily slick, known as } the 'dressing'. This is actually the cellular cytoplasm ejected from } the ruptured epidermi of the various lifeforms upon impact with the } ground, composed principally of acetic acid, various liquid oils and } the chive-like defense corpuscles of the Asteroid Olives. } } But yes, they're safe to eat, as long as they have been cooked } thoroughly. (You don't want a baby Vacuum Avocado to burst out of your } chest or anything.) } } There you go! That's what a salad is. } } You owe the oracle a space chicken's tooth. --- 1334-08 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Leo L. Schwab" The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Wise and wise and wise Oracle, > > whatever happened to those dreadful weresquirrels that once populated > the New Forest? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } One night, when the moon was full, they decided to go en masse and } attack a cave bear. There were no survivors. Except the cave bear, of } course. } } You owe the Oracle an answer to the question: "How much wood would a } werewoodchuck wear if a werewoodchuck could and would wear the wood } that the werewoodchuck could and would not chuck?" --- 1334-09 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Klone (aka Daniel V Klein) The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Wise Oracle, > > so the chicken did cross the road. What road? Where? In which city? > One-Way? Highway? Interstate? Australia? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Once, there was a great competition between the animals. For they had } seen the mighty Highway of the Internet, and each was sure that he } alone could claim mastery of the other animals by getting to the other } side. So intense did this speculation become that the animals finally } agreed to a test of their skills and nerves. } } Now, you must remember that this was some time back, before the } Internet was flooded with all of the garbage that flows through it in } the present, so the possibility of making it across did indeed look } achievable. } } First, Pam the pig stepped up to the Highway, and then bravely dashed } across the road. After crossing no more than the first two lines, } however, he was hit by a passing packet and scrambled up. And thus was } spam born. } } Second, Ginny the pussy cat vaulted into the stream of packets and } dodged her way across line after line, until a speeding ICMP Echo } request collided, spewing her everywhere. And thus was low quality } Internet porn born. } } Third, Bill the chicken decided to try his own luck. And lo! through a } combination of deft footwork and occasional short flights, the chicken } was able to cross the mighty Internet Superhighway, and there was much } rejoicing among the other animals, for the chicken had completed his } task and had crossed the road with no desire but to get to the other } side, and for this, the animals did make him their king. And thus, } MSIE was born. } } You owe the Oracle a parable that explains the foundation of AOL. --- 1334-10 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: MVSOPEN@aol.com The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oracle of the Past, Present and Future, > > I flipped a coin 50 times, and 47 times it landed on the ground. > Isn't this against the laws of probability or something? > > My math teacher said I should ask you, and I'd get the answer I > deserve. What did she mean by that? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } In the case of you against the laws of probability, you lose. } } Your math teacher is right. And one man's mean is another } man's poisson.