From oracle-admin@cs.indiana.edu Tue Dec 10 13:49:46 2002 Received: (from daemon@localhost) by moose.cs.indiana.edu (8.11.6/8.11.6/IUCS_2.47) id gBAIMiE16996; Tue, 10 Dec 2002 13:22:44 -0500 (EST) Date: Tue, 10 Dec 2002 13:22:44 -0500 (EST) From: Internet Oracle Message-Id: <200212101822.gBAIMiE16996@moose.cs.indiana.edu> To: oracle-list@cs.indiana.edu Subject: Internet Oracularities #1297 Reply-To: oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu X-Face: )/f9dPAX/dU$1Z!U(/?A PiIJvIOtcN@L.>6,2OKd."T#S7b*{feRf.Kns23^P9.Ak{GdWWv]0*1E}RJ)_idU:(5VkN*_+bB kyrnLfC12B>V/q=z32:05`EcAd.!z#3k]h)O!ZU^E"f`@),(2WT X-Planation: X-Face can be used with www.cs.indiana.edu/ftp/faces === 1297 ================================================================= Title: Internet Oracularities #1297 Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler Date: Tue, 10 Dec 2002 13:22:31 -0500 (EST) To find out all about the Internet Oracle (TM), including how to participate, send mail to oracle@cs.indiana.edu with the word "help" in the subject line. ("Internet Oracle" is a trademark of Stephen B Kinzler.) Let us know what you like! Send your ratings of these 10 Oracularities on an integer scale of 1 ("very bad") to 5 ("very good") with the volume number to oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu (probably just reply to this message). For example: 1297 2 1 3 4 3 5 3 3 4 1 1292 65 votes 1flhb 2dhna 15oob 9pj93 2doh9 3ajhg 7eqf3 6kkd6 08dtf 3doeb 1292 3.3 mean 3.3 3.4 3.6 2.6 3.3 3.5 2.9 2.9 3.8 3.3 --- 1297-01 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Tim Chew" The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Mr. Oracle sir, > > Where have all the owboys gone? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } What, you mean you can't C them? --- 1297-02 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Klone (aka Daniel V Klein) The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > O thou wise and all-knowing Internet Oracle, whose varmints I am > not worthy to exterminate, please tell me, what is the best way to > coexist with brown recluse spiders? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } To be the biggest of the darn things. } } You owe the Oracle a set of fangs. --- 1297-03 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Klone (aka Daniel V Klein) The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Dear mighty one: > (Insert all others groveling: plus one) > > May you solve this for me? > > My first is formost legally, > my second circles outwardly, > my third leads all in victory, > my fourth twice ends a nominee, > my whole the world lives for me. > > What am I? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Oh, a question fit for me, } An Oracle of divinity, } I see you are a divorcee, } married again and leaving three, } a lawyer first, for their money, } then, a socialite for company, } a well trained coach for number three, } Steven Soderbergh currently, } and though your focus is on thee, } I see that you LOVE, unquestioningly. } } For this answer, the Oracle requires from you an unabridged compilation } of all the books of riddles of the world, handwritten by all the } marriage counselors of the world. --- 1297-04 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Klone (aka Daniel V Klein) The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oracle, who knows even the secret formula of Coca Cola, please honor > this supplicant with your wisdom. > > What is the deal with the new "colored" sodas? Pepsi Blue, Red Fusion, > they all seem so unnecessary. Why didn't the carbonated beverage > companies learn their lesson from Crystal Pepsi? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Colored sodas are just the beginning, supplicant. After the Cola Wars } of the 1980s, the carbonated beverage manufacturers realised that taste } was just not enough to differentiate their products. Their new strategy } is to deliver a sugary, caffeinated onslaught to all of consumers' } senses. Pepsico found that nine out of ten laboratory rats derive a } sense of refreshment and wellbeing from the color blue, shortly before } expiring from toxic poisoning. } } Next year, you can look forward to new Audible Coke, which stimulates } the auditory cortex to give the consumer auditory hallucinations of } that refreshing "pfffsssttt" sound up to 24 hours after consuming the } beverage. This will be closely followed by Loud Pepsi, which will also } go "pfffsssttt", but the hallucination will last for 48 hours and be 20 } decibels louder. } } And let's not even go into 2004's hot new beverage products, Malodorous } Coke and Smelly Pepsi. } } You owe the Oracle some of that powdery stuff that they } put into Coca-Cola. And a straw. No, I won't need a } drinking glass. --- 1297-05 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Christophe The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh Oracle Most Wise, > > for a good time, ping 203.31.48.11 And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } The Oracle prefers telnet. We LOVE collecting "Connect failed" } errors. We save them up, and for every 100 we collect, McDonald's } makes a donation to the Ronald McDonald House. } } You owe the Oracle 10000 attempts to telnet 0.0.0.0. --- 1297-06 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Paul Kelly The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } >prompt $p$g } } C:\Ioracle>dir /od } Volume in drive C is Oracle Comp } Volume Serial Number is 0000-0001 } } Directory of C:\Ioracle } } 00/00/0000 00:01 AM 21,538 ZOTUSER COM } 00/00/0000 00:02 AM 4,042 DULREPLY DAT } 00/00/0000 00:03 AM 5,965 IN-JOKE DAT } 00/00/0000 00:04 AM 148 HUMOR DAT } 00/00/0000 00:05 AM 21,458 QUEDRAIN EXE } 05/06/2002 02:22 PM 99,958,743,659,786,128 MAILFILE DAT } 6 File(s) 99,958,743,659,840,279 bytes } 0 Dir(s) 999,999,999,999,999,999,999 bytes free } } C:\Ioracle>quedrain } } Quedrain Utility V 1.8.0 } Error: Invalid Data Input File Specified } } Usage: } QUEDRAIN Inputfile1 [Inputfile2 Inputfile3...] Mailboxfile [/?/Zn } zotcommand] } } Switches: } } /? Displays this help screen. } /Zn [Zotcommand] Issues one Zot per user. n specifies Zot } intensity and must be an integer number } between 1 and 10 or ?. If ? is specified, } a random intensity will be selected for each } user. Zotcommand is the location of the zot } command file to be run. Note: This zot } command file must conform to Luser Attitude } Readjustment Tool (LART) input specifications } as defined in IEEE document 0001C. } } C:\Ioracle>quedrain dulreply.dat in-joke.dat humor.dat mailfile.dat /Z? } zotuser.com } } Quedrain Utility V 1.8.0 } Reading file DULREPLY.DAT ...... OK } Reading file IN-JOKE.DAT ..... OK } Reading file HUMOR.DAT .. } Error reading input from file HUMOR.DAT. Continue ?y } Input from file HUMOR.DAT discarded } Reading file MAILFILE.DAT ..................................... } ............................................................... } ............................................................... } ............................................................... } ............................................................... } ............................................................... } ............................................................... } ............................................................... } ............................................................... } ..................................... OK } Warning: Random ZOT intensity specified: Some ZOTs issued may } cause permanent injury or death to receipients! } Continue ?y } Sending Mail Replies .......................................... } ............................................................... } ............................................................... } ............................................................... } ............................................................... } ............................................................... } ............................................................... } ............................................................... } ............................................................... } ................................ OK } } Queue Successfully Drained!!! } } C:\Ioracle>dir } Volume in drive C is Oracle Comp } Volume Serial Number is 0000-0001 } } Directory of C:\Ioracle } } 00/00/0000 00:01 AM 21,538 ZOTUSER COM } 00/00/0000 00:01 AM 4,042 DULREPLY DAT } 00/00/0000 00:02 AM 5,965 IN-JOKE DAT } 00/00/0000 00:03 AM 148 HUMOR DAT } 00/00/0000 00:04 AM 21,458 QUEDRAIN EXE } 05/06/2002 02:27 PM 13 MAILFILE DAT } 6 File(s) 53,164 bytes } 0 Dir(s) 999,999,999,999,999,999,999 bytes free } } C:\Ioracle>exit --- 1297-07 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Paul Kelly The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh most knowledgeable Oracle, who always turned his homework in early, > > Why do all the teachers always make everything due on the same day? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Principal Player: Nibbles, let's hear your report now. } } Nibbles: Thank you sir, earlier today we intercepted a number of enemy } communications in Mrs. Gina's math class and Mr. Enis' English class } which included, amongst the normal gossip, some rather disturbing plays } on their names showing clear disrespect. Currently the notes are being } examined by Roberts in psych due to a number of doodles that may also } hold important information. } } Player: Thank you Nibbles, Ms. Kittens has prepared a special report for } today's meeting. } } Kittens: I'm sorry my news couldn't be better but after several weeks of } investigation we've discovered the enemy have formed a rudimentary } shadow government in waiting. } } } } Kittens: Made up of representatives from each grade and meeting with a } president, treasurer and secretary they have been planning a number of } "events". } } Enis: What kind of events? } } Kittens: We don't know but given that they outnumber us 30 to 1 we } should do what we can to prepare. } } Player: Thank you Kitten, I mean Ms. Kittens. Well, I for one will not } be the Principal who loses control of this house. We need a coordinated } effort to disrupt both their communications, organizations and } shake their social formations to the core. Enis, I need a battery of } spelling tests here, here and here. Gina bring some snap algebra quizzes in here and here. } That should provide enough cover for the rest of you to line up the } mid-terms and term papers for here. } } Roberts: Shouldn't we move that from Friday to Monday to disrupt one } more weekend? } } Player: Excellent point Roberts but I want that week for a series of } fire, earthquake and bomb drills to rattle them up a bit before we } bring in a little something I like to call a "science fair". } } Kittens: Mandatory participation? } } Player: Of course Kitten, I mean Ms. Kittens. } } } } You owe the Oracle a transcription of the "We will fight in the } hallways, we will fight in the classrooms" speech. Oh, and some photos } of Ms. Kittens. --- 1297-08 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Klone (aka Daniel V Klein) The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oracle Most Wise, > > I know what a dog-eared book is, but what does a cat-eared > book look like? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Well, supplicant, It doesn't look that different; a little smaller } perhaps , and a little less eager to please. The thing to watch out } for is that, if it doesn't want to be read, it can give you a nasty } set of paper cuts when you pick it up. } } You owe the Oracle a rabbit-eared book. --- 1297-09 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Klone (aka Daniel V Klein) The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh, mighty Oracle, whose boots I am not fit to even appoint someone > else to lick, please tell me -- > > What's the easiest way to plan a wedding? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } A couple d10 and the following charts: } } Date of wedding: } 01-30: February 14 } 31-50: Spring } 51-70: Summer } 71-80: Fall } 81-90: Winter } 91-95: January 1 } 96-97: December 25 } 98-99: This coming Saturday } 00: Reroll on table twice and keep both results } } Location of wedding: } 01-30: Church } 31-50: Community Hall } 51-70: Park } 71-90: Local Attraction } 91-95: New York } 96-97: North Pole } 98-99: Las Vegas } 00: Reroll on table twice and keep both results } } Who to invite: } 01-30: Friends and Extended Family } 31-50: Friends and Immediate Family } 51-70: Friends, Family and Passerbys } 71-90: Friends, Family and Drunken Passerbys } 91-95: Dick Clark & several million people } 96-97: Mr. & Mrs. Claus } 98-99: Blackjack dealer } 00: Reroll on table twice and keep both results } } You owe the Oracle the chance to plan more weddings. --- 1297-10 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Christophe The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Hey Oracle! Look at this! If you use a monospaced font to > view your email, then the lines in this question line up! > Of course, if you do not then you lose the effect. Also I > had to use words I don't really know the meaning of, like > "uxurious" to achieve the desired result. I bet that news > papers could save money by buying cheaper word processors > that don't have a "justify" alignment and just tell their > writers to write so that all the lines are aligned in the > Courier New font. Although the lost productivity spent by > trying to align the lines would cost something too. I bet > that if I dragged this out for a while, I would then make > a cube! I mean a square. Cubes are three-dimensional. But > then I'd have to continue for about another twenty lines. > So I won't. But I don't want to exert the effort required > to make the lines aligned anymore so I'll just end abrupt And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } I would be a bit more } excited by your skill } if you did a pattern. } Like a box with holes } in it like this. Or a } swirl or a zigzag. If } You really tried hard } with these things you } might just get into a } digest. If you have a } desire for RHO infamy } you'd make a question } that would ask me how } woodchucks chuck wood