From oracle-admin@cs.indiana.edu Mon Nov 25 16:46:12 2002 Received: (from daemon@localhost) by moose.cs.indiana.edu (8.11.6/8.11.6/IUCS_2.47) id gAPLFHe20007; Mon, 25 Nov 2002 16:15:17 -0500 (EST) Date: Mon, 25 Nov 2002 16:15:17 -0500 (EST) From: Internet Oracle Message-Id: <200211252115.gAPLFHe20007@moose.cs.indiana.edu> To: oracle-list@cs.indiana.edu Subject: Internet Oracularities #1294 Reply-To: oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu X-Face: )/f9dPAX/dU$1Z!U(/?A PiIJvIOtcN@L.>6,2OKd."T#S7b*{feRf.Kns23^P9.Ak{GdWWv]0*1E}RJ)_idU:(5VkN*_+bB kyrnLfC12B>V/q=z32:05`EcAd.!z#3k]h)O!ZU^E"f`@),(2WT X-Planation: X-Face can be used with www.cs.indiana.edu/ftp/faces === 1294 ================================================================= Title: Internet Oracularities #1294 Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler Date: Mon, 25 Nov 2002 16:15:04 -0500 (EST) To find out all about the Internet Oracle (TM), including how to participate, send mail to oracle@cs.indiana.edu with the word "help" in the subject line. ("Internet Oracle" is a trademark of Stephen B Kinzler.) Let us know what you like! Send your ratings of these 10 Oracularities on an integer scale of 1 ("very bad") to 5 ("very good") with the volume number to oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu (probably just reply to this message). For example: 1294 2 1 3 4 3 5 3 3 4 1 1289 67 votes behi7 6fw95 17jkk 39tj7 8cmdc 8fpe5 6enea emha4 9hlh3 29jkh 1289 3.1 mean 2.9 2.9 3.8 3.3 3.1 2.9 3.1 2.5 2.8 3.6 --- 1294-01 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Paul Kelly The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh Oracle most learned, even in the most basic knowledge, tell me, > > A theory came up in a conversation this morning, and I was wondering > if you could confirm it. When humans are very young, they don't > know much, and it's fun to watch as they learn the basics of life. > Like eating a rock to learn you can't eat rocks. Then we wondered > if maybe President Bush had a traumatic experience during that > lesson and that's why he wants to bomb Iraq. What do you think? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } My first thought was someone should offer Mr. Bush elocution lessons. } But he'd probably say he knew how to work them chairs already. --- 1294-02 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Paul Kelly The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oracle most wise and knowledgeable, who knows all there is to know > (and then some), please answer me this humble question. > > I'm stuck at Dollis Hill with 3 green tokens, an aqua token and a > 'Lord of the Knips' card, what do I need to do to get to Mornington > Crescent and win the game? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } [409:357:666] inv } You have: } an aqua token } (3) a green token } a collectible card } } [409:357:666] l card } A gold-edged card bearing a picture of The Lord of the Knips is lying on } the table. } } [409:357:666] l } Dollis Hill } From the hilltop, you can see all around the country side. The grass } is green and lush, and several apple trees grow in a small copse near a } spring. } An apple tree is here } An itinerant baker is here } } [409:357:666] l tree } The tree is tall and leafy, and looks healthy, but it bears no fruit. } } [409:357:666] l baker } The baker is five feet tall, and very fat. She is covered with flour. } An itinerant baker is in excellent condition. } } [409:357:666] consider baker } An itinirant baker laughs at you mercilessly. } } [409:357:666] exits } North leads to Poppy-covered field } East leads to Grant's Tomb } South leads to The Great Road } West leads to The Great, Grand Multidimensional Bakery of the Dogs } } [409:357:666] scan n } [Range:1] } Some innocent-looking poppies are here } } [409:357:666] scan e } [Range:1] } {edited -- wouldn't want to give away the answer to one of my most } popular questions!} } } [409:357:666] scan s } [Range:1] } } [409:357:666] scan w } [Range:1] } A disciple of Betty Crocker is here } } [409:357:666] w } The Great, Grand Multidimensional Bakery of the Dogs } Ovens and mixing machines are everywhere here. Most of them are } engaged in the production of dog food, dog biscuits, and fake bones. A } few are making Vice Presidents. } A disciple of Betty Crocker is here } } [409:357:664] l disciple } A man in a purple shirt and very tight leather pants is here. } Using: } A wooden spoon (wielded in right hand) } A cookbook (used as a shield) } } [409:357:664] consider disciple } A disciple of Betty Crocker laughs at you mercilessly. } } [409:357:664] exits } East leads to Dollis Hill } Down leads to Secret Underground Complex } } [409:357:664] scan d } [Range:1] } Eva Braun is here } } [409:357:666] d } You need 4 green tokens to go that way. } } [409:357:666] e } Dollis Hill } From the hilltop, you can see all around the country side. The grass } is green and lush, and several apple trees grow in a small copse near a } spring. } An apple tree is here } An itinerant baker is here } } [409:357:664] climb tree } Huh? } } [409:357:664] search } Huh? } } [409:357:664] screw it } Your penis does >>==UNSPEAKABLE THINGS==<< to an itinerant baker. } An itinerant baker is dead. } You get a green token from the corpse of an itinerant baker. } } [409:357:664] } [409:357:664] } [409:357:666] } [409:357:666] } [409:357:666] w } The Great, Grand Multidimensional Bakery of the Dogs } Ovens and mixing machines are everywhere here. Most of them are } engaged in the production of dog food, dog biscuits, and fake bones. A } few are making Vice Presidents. } A disciple of Betty Crocker is here } } [409:357:664] d } Secret Underground Complex } The walls are surprisingly clean and dry for a Secret Underground } Complex. Framed pictures of Il Duce and Emperor Hirohito hang on the } walls. } Eva Braun is here } } [409:357:662] l eva } Eva Braun looks like a movie star. She has a lot of cardboard boxes } stacked around her, with various useless and worthless things set on top } of them. } } [409:357:662] consider eva } Death will thank you for your gift. } } [409:357:662] give card eva } You give a collectible card to Eva Braun. } Eva Braun gives you a battered tome. } } [409:357:666] l tome } An autographed copy of Mein Kampf lies here. } } [409:357:666] exits } North leads to Dungeon beneath Mornington Crescent } Up leads to The Great, Grand Multidimensional Bakery of the Dogs } } [409:357:666] } } ======================================================================== } } I think you can probably finish it from here. } } You owe the Oracle a ROM area editor that actually works. --- 1294-03 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Paul Kelly The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh Oracle spectacular! Frubulous, Slibbulant, and Hobeletal! With > gribbles do you make my fwingdangs flump, you are so soundiciously > slibberant! I am unworthy to present even my merest kerbulant > typed letter before your awesome hippersnup! Please, please, > oh friptious and plappery Orrie, answer me true my unworthy and > gruttlesome question! > > What the hell did I just say to you? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } flump, vi. To fill; to swell; to explode. } } friptious, adj. syn. plappery. } } frubulous, interj. Greetings. } } fwingdang, n. Units of knowledge capacity; brain cells. } } gribble, n. An amusing and enlightening witticism. } } gruttlesome, interj. I will believe you without. } } hippersnup, n. A large electrifying staff. } } hobeletal, n. A grovelling sychophantic sidekick. } } kerbulant, adj. Of or pertaining to w*******ks. } } plappery, adj. syn. friptious. } } soundicious, adj. Pertaining to the perpetration of murder. } } slibberant, adj. Carefree. } } slibbulant, n. An almighty and omniscient being. } } You owe the Oracle a more friptious dictionary. --- 1294-04 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Paul Kelly The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh Great Oracle, who would never accidentally write in the space marked > "For office use only," just what does the office use that space for? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Nothing that's going to raise your self-esteem. } } School Records: Day 57, pimple has increased in size by 42% we believe } that additional pimples will soon be evident. } } Doctor's Office: picked through magazine pile to find Teen Beat } bypassing Time and Newsweek. } } Employment File: Nov 14, 2002: 5 ask me, 2 tell me. Schedule } performance review. } } Bank Records: month end balance $1.47, cancel unsolicited } advertisements plans. } } Job Application: seems shifty, call homeland security office. } } Prison Records: Crazy Psycho Killer Pete paid $50 and pack of } cigarettes to move new prisoner to his pod. } } Dental Records: } } Obituary Ad Application: Wife looks cute, reminder to call two weeks } after funeral. } } You owe the Oracle some nice comments when my review comes up. --- 1294-05 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Paul Kelly The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh great Orrie Orrie bo-Borrie, banana-fanna-fo-Forrie, Fee Fie > Fo-Forrie, Orrie > > Did whoever wrote that song (I think it was Shirley Ellis, but I'm not > sure) fail to anticipate the nasty result of using the name "Chuck," > or was that bit of nastiness intentional? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } There has been much debate over this issue within oracle circles over } the years. Taken on it's own, 'The Name Game' might seem like a purely } innocent song, but one only needs to look at Ms Ellis's other well } known title 'The Nitty Gritty' to dispel all doubt about its innocence. } } "Yeah, mmm, yeah" } } The opening line sets the tone for what is to follow } } "Do you know that some folks know about it, some don't } Some will learn to shout it, some won't } But sooner or later baby, here's a ditty } Say you're gonna have to get right down to the real nitty gritty } Now let's get right on down to the nitty gritty" } } Well, is there any more to be said? Apparently Ms Ellis thinks so: } } "Now yeah, mmm, nitty gritty now } Ooooowee, right down to the real nitty gritty } Ooooowee, can you feel it double beatin', I keep repeatin } Get right down to the real nitty gritty } Say it again double beatin'" } } The song continues with various variations on this theme. So it } should be clear by now that that these songs are nothing but thinly } veiled innuendo to which even the most superficial analysis reveals } the true intent. } } She is of course using these lyrics as a type of subliminal advertising } for Soap products. Nitty gritty referring to dirt and grit that } would require 'double beating' (a traditional way of cleaning clothes). } } And it now becomes plain to see that "Chuck" becomes 'Chuck bo Buck } Bo-uck fanna fo Fuddy Fee fy mo Muck Chuck!' } } The subliminal reference to soap should now be blindingly obvious. } } You owe the Oracle the nose on your face and a bar of Soul Patterson } Medicated Soap. --- 1294-06 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Paul Kelly The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Dear lascivious, libidinous, licentious, lemon-scented Oracle, > whose synapses fire faster than the speed of monarchy: > > Why are some words ruder than others even though they describe the > same thing? Why will my mother accept the verb "to procreate" with > nary a raised eyebrow, whilst mentioning the F-word within her 72-yard > hearing radius will cause her ear-twisting wrath to descend upon me? > Why doesn't "Oh, reproduce!" work as a profanity, no matter how much > feeling you put into it? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Why the procreate are you asking me? Do I look like Miss reproducing } Manners? } Take your intercoursing question and ask someone who gives a beget! --- 1294-07 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Klone (aka Daniel V Klein) The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Bright-eyed and bushy-tailed Oracle, you are the > squirrel I seek. I'm a grey squirrel, but not a very > good one. I guess I'm nuts. Or rather, I'm not nuts, > because I didn't bother to store them up for the > winter. Now I'm gonna starve. > > Can you help a poor, starving squirrel? You certainly > get a lot of nuts in your business. Cripes, your > in-basket must overflow with them. Could you spare me > a ready supply during these coming cold months? > > __________________________________________________ > Do you Yahoo!? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Ghoddd dabmnit, I have a cohdd id by doze. Id must be tuh winter. } I ab also sdeezibg a lot. Do I Yahoo? Do I ACHOO!? Ab I duts } for tryibg to adwser you? Hold od a midute, I'b godda sdeeze, oh, } oh, ahh, ahhhh } } CASHEW!!!!!!!! } } You owe tuh Oracle a week ib bed. --- 1294-08 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Leo L. Schwab" The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > O mighty Oracle, whose animated alter ego I am not fit to draw, > > In the intro to the animated series "The Simpsons" Homer drops a > radioactive rod in the sewers. This has happened once a week for a > large number of years. > > Where do those rods end up and what effect does it have on the ecology? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Why do you think everyone's yellow and only has 4 fingers? --- 1294-09 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Dave Hemming The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oracle all seeing. > > Some things are better done with your eyes closed, like... And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Well, that explains the results of the US elections this year. --- 1294-10 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Ian Davis The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Complete and utter Oracle, I dend over beeply and drovel in > your girection, with all my foonerisms asploat. > > Do you ever have one of those days when nothing at all makes > any sense? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Somehow, except for the mince.