From oracle-admin@cs.indiana.edu Fri Aug 2 14:34:19 2002 Received: (from daemon@localhost) by moose.cs.indiana.edu (8.11.6/8.11.6/IUCS_2.47) id g72JDue21131; Fri, 2 Aug 2002 14:13:56 -0500 (EST) Date: Fri, 2 Aug 2002 14:13:56 -0500 (EST) From: Internet Oracle Message-Id: <200208021913.g72JDue21131@moose.cs.indiana.edu> To: oracle-list@cs.indiana.edu Subject: Internet Oracularities #1276 Reply-To: oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu X-Face: )/f9dPAX/dU$1Z!U(/?A PiIJvIOtcN@L.>6,2OKd."T#S7b*{feRf.Kns23^P9.Ak{GdWWv]0*1E}RJ)_idU:(5VkN*_+bB kyrnLfC12B>V/q=z32:05`EcAd.!z#3k]h)O!ZU^E"f`@),(2WT X-Planation: X-Face can be used with www.cs.indiana.edu/ftp/faces === 1276 ================================================================= Title: Internet Oracularities #1276 Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler Date: Fri, 02 Aug 2002 14:13:43 -0500 (EST) To find out all about the Internet Oracle (TM), including how to participate, send mail to oracle@cs.indiana.edu with the word "help" in the subject line. ("Internet Oracle" is a trademark of Stephen B Kinzler.) Let us know what you like! Send your ratings of these 10 Oracularities on an integer scale of 1 ("very bad") to 5 ("very good") with the volume number to oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu (probably just reply to this message). For example: 1276 2 1 3 4 3 5 3 3 4 1 1271 52 votes 38hh7 7hj63 79ff6 ebe85 blf50 eag75 14eje 38l9b 3ded9 25ggd 1271 3.0 mean 3.3 2.6 3.1 2.6 2.3 2.6 3.8 3.3 3.2 3.6 --- 1276-01 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Klone (aka Daniel V Klein) The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > O great Oracle who knows exactly what I'm always thinking of > (*winces*), > > Am I doing as well as I think I am? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Well, you've quit using MIME. } } And you no longer quote the question in the answer. } } And you're trying to send in more tellmes than askmes. } } So on those accounts you're doing much, much better. } } Now we need to work on honing your sense of humor. } } Here's a quick quiz to help you stay on the twisted } path of windy passages, many of which look alike. } } ---== Am I on the Right Path? ==--- } } 1) To get in a funny frame of mind, which of following } should you read: } } a) The Best of the Oracle at: } http://cgi.cs.indiana.edu/~oracle/bestofs.cgi } b) a book by Samuel Beckett } c) Read?! Bah, watch some TV sitcoms. } d) rec.humor.oracle.d } } 2) To verify if what you just wrote was funny or not } which should you do? } } a) Erm, if you need to have it verified, it sure } as heck ain't funny. } b) Set it aside for a while, then re-read it and } see if it still amuses. } c) Picture it being acted out by the cast of "Friends". } d) Count the number of in-jokes in your answer, if } less than ten add more. } } 3) If you get a real lame question what should you do? } } a) There are no lame questions. } b) Ignore it and let it slide back into the queue. } c) the fool! } d) Turn it into a poker cascade. } } 4) Which of the following comics do you most identify } with? } } a) Andy Kaufman } b) Johantan Winters } c) Steve Wright } d) Joel Furr } } 5) How long does it take to write a really good answer? } } a) It varies } b) Less than 24 hours } c) More than 24 hours } d) .02 seconds } } 7) When should you use an injoke, stock answer, or a } formula reply? } } a) Never } b) Sparingly, they're like seasonings, too much or } too often and they'll over power the true 'meal' } c) Bah! The idea is to make your mark by making } a new in-joke by constantly hammering away with } a character of your own design until it is } accepted as genius by all! So says WIG-BOY! } d) The use of formula answers is short hand way } of letting others know you're with the in-crowd } so you have to use them or be labeled as a newbie. } } 8) Be honest, have you read the Oracle homepage and } followed all the links off of it and all the past } digests? } } a) Well, not -all- of it, there's a heck of a lot } of links involved there, but most of it. } b) Yes. } c) No, Lawrence J. Ellison is a bore. } d) I saw the movie. } } ---------------------------------------------------------- } Scoring: } For each answer of 'a' or 'b' give yourself one point. } For each answer of 'c' of 'd' giver yourself zero points. } If Question #4 made you feel trapped and constrained } give yourself two points. } } If you earned 8 or more points you're not real, go away. } If you earned 5 to 7 points you're a normal person, but } The Oracle won't hold that against you, you have promise, } you are on the right path. } If you earned 4 or less points you have strayed from the } twisted windy path of amusement, turn around until you're } real dizzy then retrace your steps, look around and see } if you're on the path or not. If not, spin around again } and try to find your way back again. Repeat as necessary. } ----------------------------------------------------------- } } You owe the Oracle six sheared sheep. --- 1276-02 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Klone (aka Daniel V Klein) The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Holy Toledo has nothing on the Oracle, his loop'd and > window'd raggedness scares the world as much as his words > enlighten it, > > Why was the elf princess glowing? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Top 11 reasons Why the Elf Princess is Glowing: } } 1.) She is on fire. } 2.) She is casting a magical glowing spell. } 3.) She's not glowing; you're watching a movie and the director } wishes to visually show the magic that the characters can feel. } 4.) She is being hit by particularly strong moonlight. } 5.) She ate Tinkerbell. } 6.) She is glowing for the same reason that the large elephant } is attacking Bruce Springstein -- you're drunk. } 7.) She is cursed by a horrible curse of luminescence. } 8.) She is blessed with magical radiance. } 9.) What you suspect is an Elf princess is actually a flare grenade. } 10.) She was an agent. Neo will pop out of her in a moment. } 11.) She's pregnant. } 12.) She took Sting, broke it into tiny little pieces, and covered } herself with it. There is an orc nearby. } 13.) She's a #$#@$# Elf princess. She #$#@$# glows. #$#@$# deal. } } You owe the Oracle a length of rope, some mice, and a fig. --- 1276-03 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Kirsten Chevalier The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Dear Oracle, I Hearken to your Mighty Words! > > I live in San Francisco with wife, daughter, and another > baby on the way. We have decided that the Bay Area is > "too weird", and wish to move to the Midwest, possibly > Iowa or Nebraska. Trouble is, we don't have any way of > picking, or even distinguishing the two states. Please > help. And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Iowa and Nebraska are easy to identify and distinguish. } } In Iowa, the state pastime is throwing cheese. Elaborate cheese } throwing contests are often held, and the winner is awarded the } distinction of milking the prize cow, and making more cheese. In } addition, most people in Iowa have things in their mouths. This is is } because Iowa's official State Disorder is oral fixation. Some people } have toothpicks or straw in their mouths, some have chickens or } fingers. A few even have teeth. } } Nebraska is home to many skilled artisans, and is easily identifable by } their works. There, you can see the world's largest rocking chair, the } worlds fourth largest ball of twine, the world's largest wooden statue } of a Coca-Cola bottle, and many more. residents of Nebraska have also } learned to communicate with only eye movements, which can make things } tough on the outside, but once it is learned this method of } communication is very efficient. } } Overall, I think you're right that it's too wierd on the West coast. } One of these places would be much better. } } You owe the Oracle the world's largest statue of a woodchuck, made from } wood that a woodchuck chucked. --- 1276-04 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: MVSOPEN@aol.com The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > O Oracle most erudite and sweet-smelling: > > Who really shot JFK? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Good lord, don't you people read the ending credits? } } JFK } An Oliver Stone film } ... } Cinematography by: Robert Richardson } ... } } You owe the Oracle some solvent; my foot's stuck to the cinema floor } again. --- 1276-05 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Tim Chew" The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Can Christopher Walken possibly be more creepy? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Imagine him, if you will, in a tight leather Speedo, juggling the } shrunken severed heads of your friends and relatives. } } No? Well, how about as the new nuke-happy dictator of any superpower } of your choice? } } Not creepy enough yet? What if they filmed a scene like the one } in "Being John Malkovich", where everyone (regardless of gender) } has Cristopher Walken's face and voice? } } Your tolerance for creepy is frighteningly high. All right, you made } me do it. } } Imagine if you will.... Christopher Walken in an awful, awful movie } about anthropomorphic bears, based on a regrettable Disney theme park } attraction and with cameos by the like of Queen Latifah. } } Never mind... it's been done. } } You owe the Oracle a question about Carrie Fisher. --- 1276-06 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Kirsten Chevalier The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Most Mighty Oracle, Whose Mind Is Like A Bladder Leaking The Truth That > Not Even Detrol(tm) Could Contain. > > I think Sunny Delight is Delocious where as other people liken it to > rat urine. So I ask, what is Sunny Delight's "secret" ingredient? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Rat urine. --- 1276-07 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Tim Chew" The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > O Oracle, knowledgeable in all things mundane, knowledgeable in all > things extramundane, > > Do kitchen utensils have their own afterlife? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Come and we shall see. . . } } [ Gloom fills the room and when it lifts we find the Supplicant } and The Oracle standing at the bottom of a mind bogglingly } huge horizon spanning steel sink. It is littered with spoons } and forks, most of them plastic. ] } } This is limbo, Here lie those utensils that have not sinned, } nor have they been graced. A cold, almost sterile world this is. } } [ The Oracle points to a gurgling drain the size of a stadium. ] } } The entrance to Utensil Hell lies there. Come. Follow me down } The Drain to the next level. } } [ They find themselves below the huge sink, it's dark, & } foul greasy water is dripping on them constantly. They're } standing knee deep in a red bog of rusty toasters. ] } } Those that were Too Hot now rust here. Toasters mostly, taken } home, plugged in then WHOOSH! They burn up your Pop-tart, or } bagel, of toast and work not ever again. Too hot for life now } they are cold here. Rusting for ever, their only element now } is oxidized iron. } } [ A loud ROAR is heard and bits of steel fly by them. ] } } We must go! The Disposal of Retribution moves among them } tossing them about at times in a tornado of torment and } crumbs. Follow me down this crack to The Basement of } Gluttony! } } [ Freezers and ice chests, bread boxes and Tupper-ware is } everywhere. It's even wetter down there. And it smells } really bad. ] } } Things that Wanted Always to be Be Filled are here. Freezers } that sucked up electricity just so a box of Otter-pops won't } melt. Refrigerators that hid things in the back to turn } into mystery mold. Plastic Bowls that demanded to be burped } in public. Not they are full, full of mold and fuzzy green } spheres that may have once been oranges. Come! } } [ They find themselves in a cramped overstuffed subbasement } crammed to the ceiling with copper bottomed pans and George } Foreman Grills. ] } } They zone of the Over Priced. They demanded much and gave } back so little. Now they don't even get room enough to think. } Brace yourself, next is the Wasteland of the Wrathful. } } [ The noise is over whelming! A dark river of coffee full } of whirling bean grinders. red hot coffee pots, and grim } screaming teapots. The Oracle has to yell to be heard. ] } } The Angry Appliances! Alive they made anger juice, now they } boil in a jet river of caffeine! No sleep, no rest, jittering } forever, breath like dogs, stomach linings that look like } swiss cheese that's been shot with a shotgun! We must cross } this river! Here comes MayTag, the Repairman, he'll ferry } us across.! Touch Not The Sea! It scalds! } } [ A tubby bored man in too tight pants shows up in a big } salad spinner, they enter it and float across the steaming } stream. They exit on the other side on a shore of splorks } littered with microwaves. Everything is alive with ants.] } } Things that aren't what they say. Splorks, the transvestite } tool that is neither spoon nor fork, and microwaves that } don't heat, but make things hot -- all by atomically } incorrect tricks too vile to speak of even here. On this } shore they sit covered with ants, mostly just because. } Stay close, we enter the city of the Dangerous Tools that } Cut the Hand that Bought Them! } } [ They go through a gate into a city of sorts. Bloody knives, } cleavers coated in gore, shards of glass, and cheese } graters bearing strips of skin are at war with each other } in the streets. ] } } Those that cut their owners here cut each other by day and } grow dull at night in an endless cycle of cutlery chaos. } } [ A cold wind freezes the supplicant to his marrow. ] } } Ahead is the Temple of Fraud! Ice Makers that didn't. } Dishwashers that couldn't get a feather off of a sheet } of pyrex, Unscratchable pans that looked like smallpox } victims as soon as you ran water over them. All encased } in The Vat of Frozen Lime Jell-O! } } [ Before them is a sickly green sea of rock hard lime } cartilage based goo laced with sugar. In it one can } see at various levels devices frozen. ] } } The Horror! And ahead. Saran! The Evil Wrap Lord! Clear } King of this World! } } [ An evil laugh wracks the air, even the frozen Jell-O } lake quivers a bit. And there before them is a huge } Sheet Of Saran Wrap! The Supplicant Screams! ] } } Now my task is done. You that left the milk out on } the counter after drinking Right Out of the Jug! } } [ Saran laughs again! -- fade to black ] --- 1276-08 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Mark Lawrence" The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > BOFH? > > And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } The Bastard Oracle From Hell, slipping into third person as only a } deity and several inbred members of the royal family can, sipped his } drink carefully and disassembled the laxative with his tongue. His } protege, the Priestly-Shaped Yankee, was learning ... but not fast } enough. } } Unfortunately, the Zot Staff was in a state of slight disrepair, its } wattage level having been set far over spec in a brilliant display of } incendiary technology, taking well over half of Wisconsin with it. A } clever ploy and several diverted funds later, and it was only a matter } of time until it was replaced before anyone noticed. } } Not that there was anything especially important in Wisconsin, but I } hate leaving a mess. And talking in third-person scares the locals. } } "I'm bored," said the PSY, interrupting my train of thought. Apparently } tired of randomly deleting questions from the queue and irrevocably } rerouting others, the PSY had switched to redirecting all queries from } AOL to dev/null where they properly belonged. That having taken all of } seven seconds of his time, he was looking for alternate distractions; I } would normally gladly assist in his time of need, but with the Zot } Staff out of commission ... } } No matter. I was entertained by occasional screams of pain preceded (by } pure coincidence, no doubt) by the sound of a drawer being slammed shut } on a not-private-anymore area when the phone rang. The PSY, never one } to have difficulty in exchanging suffering for the possibility of } pleasure, put it on the hands-free so he could properly recover. } } "First National Bank!" the PSY cheerily announced, our misdirection } technique of the day. } } "First National ...?" queried the user. "I thought this was the number } for the systems room." } } "No, this is the First National Bank," insisted the PSY, his voice } dropping the sunshine in favour of a sterner tone. "Who told you this } was systems?" } } "The helpdesk, I thought," muttered the confused priest, "they } transferred me directly to you." } } "I'll tell you what," I chimed in, using the PSY's voice so the priest } wouldn't know I was in the room, "we'll try to help you out anyway, } since you seem to be a good enough person." } } "What are you doing?" mouthed the PSY. } } "You said you were bored," I mouth back, motioning ever-so-slightly to } the nearest drawer. } } "What seems to be the problem?" } } Clever guy. Well, not necessarily clever, but quick. } } "Um, well, I don't think you can help ..." stuttered the user. } } "How hard can it be? I used to work in systems; not much can have } changed in ten years, right?" } } That's not bad, actually; just enough doubt so that if something goes } wrong, the user can blame himself. Maybe he's smarter than I thought. } } "Well, see, I can't log into the queue to get my daily set." } } The PSY rolls his eyes. In other words, he can't get his mail. } } "What's the error message you're getting?" } } "Er, well, I don't know; the message screen always goes by so fast, and } then the program closes ..." } } "I'm no expert," interrupts the PSY, "but I'd say it's probably due } to," he flips the excuse card over, "intermittent connection relays." } } "What?" } } "Well, when you connect to get your set, your computer has to hook up } to the internet through a few dozen relay ports. If those relays aren't } set up correctly, you'll never get through." } } *Dummy Mode On* } } "Oh, well, that makes sense ..." } } "What you'll need to do is boost the output of your computer so it } doesn't have to use so many relays." } } "Ohhhhh, like a radio signal." } } The PSY smiles. Just enough information to be dangerous. } } "Yes, that's right." } } "Okay, so how do I boost the signal?" } } "Well, it's a bit tricky, and might void your warrantee ..." } } "That's okay; I really need to log into the queue!" } } "Okay. Do you happen to know what kind of power plug your computer } has?" } } "What do you mean?" } } "Does it have two prongs or three?" } } "Lemme check ... um, three. Oh, and my computer just shut off." } } "That's okay; you'll need to reboot anyway. But it looks like your } computer isn't getting enough power to boost the signal; that third } prong is just *killing* your feed. You'll have to cut it off." } } "I have my pocket knife. Will that work?" } } "It just might do the job. Snip off that third prong, plug in, boot up, } and you should be just fine." } } "Thanks!" } } "All part of the service. Thanks for calling First National Bank." } } } } The PSY smiles at me. "I figure we have about ten minutes before the } fire alarms go off." } } "Just enough time to go get a lager, then." } } "My treat!" } } Now that's a first. I take some laxatives out of my hidden drawer for a } pre-emptive strike. } } Just another day at the office ... --- 1276-09 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Christophe The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Widely known and acclaimed by all is the wisdom of the Oracle, > prestigious is his stance, his ideas celebrated in all the lands; > > How many more times should I go see The Fellowship of the Ring? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Three times to see the elves in their city under the Sky, } Seven times to see the corpses of the Dwarf Lords in their halls of } stone, } Nine times to see the mortal men doomed to die in cool CGI effects at } the beginning, } One time to see the annoying fiery eyeball. } One time to best them all, } One time to sleep through, } One time to bring your friends, } And in the darkness, eat popcorn, } At AMC, where your money lies... } } You owe the Oracle a ringwraith. --- 1276-10 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Klone (aka Daniel V Klein) The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oracle most high and exalted, > answer a question from a supplicant most shy and assaulted. > > What happened to the good ol' days? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } They were replaced by the average middle-aged weeks, } which were in turn replaced by the bad, teenaged } fortnights, which were replaced by the awful, infant } months. } } You owe the Oracle next year's calendar.