From oracle-admin@cs.indiana.edu Mon Jul 29 12:03:36 2002 Received: (from daemon@localhost) by moose.cs.indiana.edu (8.11.6/8.11.6/IUCS_2.47) id g6TGXZA09082; Mon, 29 Jul 2002 11:33:35 -0500 (EST) Date: Mon, 29 Jul 2002 11:33:35 -0500 (EST) From: Internet Oracle Message-Id: <200207291633.g6TGXZA09082@moose.cs.indiana.edu> To: oracle-list@cs.indiana.edu Subject: Internet Oracularities #1275 Reply-To: oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu X-Face: )/f9dPAX/dU$1Z!U(/?A PiIJvIOtcN@L.>6,2OKd."T#S7b*{feRf.Kns23^P9.Ak{GdWWv]0*1E}RJ)_idU:(5VkN*_+bB kyrnLfC12B>V/q=z32:05`EcAd.!z#3k]h)O!ZU^E"f`@),(2WT X-Planation: X-Face can be used with www.cs.indiana.edu/ftp/faces === 1275 ================================================================= Title: Internet Oracularities #1275 Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler Date: Mon, 29 Jul 2002 11:33:21 -0500 (EST) To find out all about the Internet Oracle (TM), including how to participate, send mail to oracle@cs.indiana.edu with the word "help" in the subject line. ("Internet Oracle" is a trademark of Stephen B Kinzler.) Let us know what you like! Send your ratings of these 10 Oracularities on an integer scale of 1 ("very bad") to 5 ("very good") with the volume number to oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu (probably just reply to this message). For example: 1275 2 1 3 4 3 5 3 3 4 1 1270 57 votes 9cjd4 3dcib 2ln92 28nf9 1ojb2 43jhe 5pn40 1cii8 47ji9 3gkg2 1270 3.1 mean 2.8 3.4 2.8 3.4 2.8 3.6 2.5 3.4 3.4 3.0 --- 1275-01 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Alyce Wilson" The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oracle, most wise in the ways of the heart (at least the man's side of > things), > > I met this lady on line, and we've exchanged a few emails. Her latest > email made good use of words such as "pyrotechnic", "sojourn", > "klaxons", and "literate". Have I found a lady Evil Genius? And how > do I win her heart? Besides the chocolate, that is. And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } I see you want to court an Evil Lady, eh? That means you yourself } must be an Evil Overlord. The Oracle forsees the following } conversation between you, when you finally meet: } } LORD: Stick with me, Lady, I'll show you a good-- er, evil, I mean } evil -- time. } LADY: Hmm. I see you've kind of overdone it with the red velvet. } LORD: Hey, Miss PVC, you don't see me commenting on your wardrobe. } LADY: Okay, okay. You're evil and self-centered. How can I be sure } you're the right match for me? } LORD: Y'see, I can dedicate myself to pleasing you, without all those } pesky 'ethics' and 'morals' getting in the way. Want a new } bracelet? You don't have to wait until I can afford one! } LADY: Interesting. But how can I be sure you won't abandon me the } second you meet someone with a tighter latex outfit? } LORD: [Looks LADY up and down] I hardly think that's possible. } LADY: Touche'. But the point still stands. } LORD: Well ... Evil Overlords are well known for fanatical devotion } to an idea, cause, or, well, [twirls mustachios] you. } LADY: They're also well known for black-hearted treachery. } LORD: [delighted] You flatterer! You could take me on faith... } LADY: [laughs] Oh you scamp! How about we gather dossiers on one } another full of blackmail material that will be entrusted to a } hermit monk in the desert. If something ... happens ... the } hermit will deliver the packet to the press. } LORD: [impressed] Excellent! Come embrace me, my sweet. } LADY: I want to see your hands at all times. } LORD: [waggles eyebrows] Where do you want to see them? } LADY: In plain view. } [The couple approach one another, warily, then gingerly embrace. } A moment later they simultaneously stab one another in the back] } LORD: My Lady, my love! } LADY: It's how I always dreamed it would be! } [All die. Curtain] --- 1275-02 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: nolan@celery.tssi.com The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oracle so wise, omnipotent, and powerful: > > Do you ever go on ZOT-ing sprees where you just ZOT people for fun? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } No. But I'm willing to give it a try. Tell you what since } it was your idea I'll give you a running start. --- 1275-03 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: nolan@celery.tssi.com The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oracle most well-modulated: > > What are those "spy numbers" radio broadcasts for? You know, the > shortwave radio stations that, after giving out some sort of cryptic > call sign or playing a short piece of music to identify themselves, > begin to repeat strings of seemingly random digits for upwards of a > half an hour. Who is broadcasting them, and why? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } The Oracle will explain, but what you're looking at is old } school. After the explanation we'll see how it's done now } a days. } } > What are those "spy numbers" radio broadcasts for? } } They're spy numbers. Look, let's say you have a big operation } planned, you need to send out directions, get things all set. } But see if you'd been quiet for a while and then all of a } sudden starting sending out messages then the bad guys will } note the traffic increase and know you're up to something. } But if you are ALWAYS sending out a nonstop flow of numbers, } then they can't tell which ones are noise and which signal. } Not to mention the time they'd waste if they tried to uncode } it all. } } Now a days messages are hidden in USENET messages. Just try } and read some of the inane blatherings about poker cascades } and fake moon landings and if balrogs had wings and such that } make up the lion's share of USENET. Those posts are all fake } line noise. No rational human would type such drivel. But it } makes it look like USENET is in constant use. Then when the } spies want to send out a coded message they throw it into an } all gibberish group like alt.non.sequitur, or talk.bizzare, } or rec.humor.oracle.d where a coded message will go undetected } as it blends into the insane banshee howling madness of totally } pointless words in ASCII that litter such froups. } } You owe the Oracle a 36677 83883 83773 22347 88019 23474. --- 1275-04 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: nolan@celery.tssi.com The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > SELECT ORACULARITIES.* FROM ORACLE.ORACULARITIES WHERE > ORACULARITIES.GRADEOFFUN > 0; > > 0 Rows returned. And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Ah yes, requests that big are terminated immediately, try a more } moderate one like this: } } 1> SELECT * FROM ORACULARITIES } 2> WHERE GRADEOFFUN > 0 } 3> AND QUESTION_TYPE LIKE "NOT_LAME%" } 4> ORDER BY DATE } 5> GO --- 1275-05 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Klone (aka Daniel V Klein) The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Could you tell me, in laymans terms, how a web site which doesn't > charge for profits or services makes money, especially if it's new? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } You see, Virginia, the Profit Fairy visits every Tuesday night after } bedtime, when the bad NASDAQ bears are all sleeping in their } beddie-byes. She sprinkles magic shoo-dust in the eyes of the Crushing } Debt Gnomes, who all run away to their homes beneath the trees. Then } she leaves a special compensation package under the pillow of little } Ceo, our hero, so that for the rest of the week he can rule the land of } Gross Outflow wisely. } } At least, that's how it is being taught in MBA school these days. } } You owe the Oracle an audit of Mother Goose's books. --- 1275-06 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Klone (aka Daniel V Klein) The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > When all is said and done, how can one relieve boredom? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Dear Jaded, } } One might relieve boredom by thinking of phrases full of adulation and } awe with which to entice The Oracle to answer one's question--the } customary manner for beginning a request. However, since you say that } "all is said and done," that precludes your saying anything else. That } could be a good thing. } } The fact of the matter is that, once all is said and done, boredom is } all that is left. } } Too bad you're not one of those lucky mortals who can do something more } than once and still enjoy it. Many people find that they are able to } repeatedly enjoy sex after that first time--in fact, usually more so } after that first time, because they get better at it. Some people are } able to watch the same movie twice and still be entertained; some } people are able to watch the same movie (e.g., "Rocky Horror Picture } Show") once a week for years and never get bored with it. And there } are those mortals who are able to tell the same joke over and over and } over again and still find it exceedingly funny. I'm sure you know at } least one such person. } } If you apprenticed yourself to this person--no, wait, that won't work, } because, for you "all is said and done." You can't do anything new, } like apprenticing yourself to someone who can say something repeatedly } without getting bored with it. } } Yeah, right. } D'oh! } You go, girl! } Dude! } 'Sup? } } Don't you wish you could be like them? Too bad! } } You owe The Oracle a handwritten copy of the complete works of William } Shakespeare--in your handwriting, of course. --- 1275-07 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Paul Kelly The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Hey, Oracle, can you lend me 5 bucks? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } OK. Sure. } } You owe the Oracle 5 bucks. --- 1275-08 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Mark Lawrence" The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh Oracle Most Wise, > > Do horses eyes usually glow red?? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } It's quite normal. Just means you need to take them } out for some exorcise. } } You owe the Oracle a roll of shadow fax paper. --- 1275-09 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Kirsten Chevalier The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > O Oracle whose knowledge ends not even at the edge of the universe, > > What type of fish are you? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } ><> ><> ><> What Type of Fish are You? <>< <>< <>< } } 1) What is your favorite food? } a) other fish } b) The flakes of stuff that show up on the surface from } time to time, why I could eat that until I die! Yum! } c) paper, glue, stuff like that } d) krill } } 2) How do you spend your day? } a) Looking for food } b) Going in and out of a tiny sunken pirate ship } c) hiding } d) breaching for air, diving. Repeat ad nausea } } 3) What color are you? } a) chose 'a' if 'b', 'c' or 'd' DO NOT apply to you } b) gold } c) silver } d) dull yet glistening leathery color, light hair present } } Stop here and check your answers so far. If you answered 'd' } for all of the above you are a sea mammal and not a fish, go } away. If you chose 'c' for all of the above you are a silver- } fish which technically means you aren't a fish either, go } away. If you chose 'b' for all of the above you are a goldfish } and need not proceed. Otherwise, on to the rest of the quiz. } } 4) Your biggest fear is: } a) fishermen } b) other fish } c) drought } d) I ain't scared of nothing } } 5) Your favorite character in The Lord of the Rings is: } a) one of the hobbits -- happy, in their own world } b) one of the elves -- cool and self confident } c) one of the humans -- doomed, doomed, doomed } d) one of the bad guys -- wanta make something of it? } } 7) Which of the following have you ever dreamt of? } (chose all that apply) } a) getting swept over a waterfall } b) being turned into a fish stick } c) being chased by a snapping turtle } d) don't sleep, waste of time } } Stop here and tally your score for answers 4 through 7. If } you answer 'a' to all of the above you are a freshwater river } dwelling fish, if 'b' you are a freshwater pond fish - in } either case you are a boring fish, you may leave now. If you } answered 'd' you are most likely a shark, unless you also } answer 'c' to number 3 in which case you are a piranha. If } you answered 'b' to all of the above finish the quiz. } } 8) How big are you? } a) itty-bitty } b) medium } c) big } d) freaky huge } } You are one of the countless zillions of fish that live in } the sea, if you answered 'a' to number 8 you are an itty-bitty } fish, if 'b' you're a medium sized fish and live on those } that answered 'a', if you answered 'c' you are a big fish & } eat those that answered 'a' or 'b', if you answered 'd' you } too are a sea fish and eat everything that isn't a shark. } } Thank you for playing, hope you had 'fin'! } } You owe the Oracle two snorkels and a can of tuna. --- 1275-10 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Klone (aka Daniel V Klein) The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Dear Oracle why do the French say silly things like pas de > lieu Rhone que nous? Don't they realise a language has to > make sense before anyone will use it? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Dear supplicant why do you not use a comma in your first sentence? And } while we're on the subject on language, wouldn't having everything be } spelled the weigh it sounds bee clever? And don't get me started awn } homophones! One pronunciation, one meaning, that's my motto! Y, b4 u } no it this language will b 4 d birds! We'll awl bee speaking the won } and only reasonable language their is - Latin. Everyone loved Latin, } back in the day! Oar wee could make a hole gnu language, won witch wee } awl could understand! } } And wee could cawl it - Esperanto. } } Naaaaa. } } Ewe owe the Oracle a copy of Critique of Pure Reason, in French.