From oracle-admin@cs.indiana.edu Sun Jul 14 14:48:08 2002 Received: (from daemon@localhost) by moose.cs.indiana.edu (8.11.6/8.11.6/IUCS_2.47) id g6EJFmE09149; Sun, 14 Jul 2002 14:15:48 -0500 (EST) Date: Sun, 14 Jul 2002 14:15:48 -0500 (EST) From: Internet Oracle Message-Id: <200207141915.g6EJFmE09149@moose.cs.indiana.edu> To: oracle-list@cs.indiana.edu Subject: Internet Oracularities #1273 Reply-To: oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu X-Face: )/f9dPAX/dU$1Z!U(/?A PiIJvIOtcN@L.>6,2OKd."T#S7b*{feRf.Kns23^P9.Ak{GdWWv]0*1E}RJ)_idU:(5VkN*_+bB kyrnLfC12B>V/q=z32:05`EcAd.!z#3k]h)O!ZU^E"f`@),(2WT X-Planation: X-Face can be used with www.cs.indiana.edu/ftp/faces === 1273 ================================================================= Title: Internet Oracularities #1273 Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler Date: Sun, 14 Jul 2002 14:15:35 -0500 (EST) To find out all about the Internet Oracle (TM), including how to participate, send mail to oracle@cs.indiana.edu with the word "help" in the subject line. ("Internet Oracle" is a trademark of Stephen B Kinzler.) Let us know what you like! Send your ratings of these 10 Oracularities on an integer scale of 1 ("very bad") to 5 ("very good") with the volume number to oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu (probably just reply to this message). For example: 1273 2 1 3 4 3 5 3 3 4 1 1268 53 votes 29me6 13gkd 16uc4 0dna7 18jl4 35lk4 5ih76 45jeb 06hic 5ckd3 1268 3.3 mean 3.2 3.8 3.2 3.2 3.4 3.3 2.8 3.4 3.7 2.9 --- 1273-01 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Dave Hemming The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh Oracle most punctilious, > > As I'm running late yet again, I'm doing my timesheet for last week, > but I seemed > to have misplaced Wednesday. Can you help me, by reminding me what I > did that day, and perhaps explaining why I've forgotten? > > thanks, > > Confused in Cambridge. And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } 6:15am - Dreaming about Martha again. } 6:20am - Dreaming about Ricardo again. } 6:25am - Dreaming about Martha with Ricardo. Wake up vaguely } dissastified, can't remember why. Look at clock, go back to sleep. } 7:20am - Wake up, turn off alarm, go back to sleep. } 8:45am - Wake up, look at clock. Curse loudly. Jump out of bed, } start toaster, take shower, get dressed. } 9:01am - Leave for work. } 9:35am - Arrive at work. Make lame excuse to manager about godawful } traffic. } 9:40am - Arrive at desk. Answer phone messages. Start reading email. } 11:00am - Finished with email. Starting on usual websites (fark.com, } slashdot.org, thehun.net) } 12:00am - Lunch meeting. Client has changed the requirements document } yet again -- something about insisting on using GIFs instead of JPEGs } because 'GIF' has one less letter so that will save bandwidth costs. } 12:03am - Nausea sets in. Manager kind enough to remember to bring } airline barf bags. Happens every time we meet with the client. } 1:00pm - Meeting over, break for some _real_ lunch. Kowalski suggests } we try new peeler bar, "Dorothy's." } 1:20pm - Ran screaming from Dorothy's after seeing the 'Tin Man' on } stage. Do not want to think about the Judy Garland that was sitting } in my lap. } 1:30pm - Get back to work. Serious working time ahead. } 1:35pm - Impromtu Nerf(tm) basketball game. } 1:45pm - Okay, serious work this time. } 2:15pm - Manager asks me for a meeting in his office. Seems he's } having trouble with net connection. Doesn't get the Star Trek "I'm } a doctor, not a sysadmin," joke. Checked the OS and TCP/IP settings } nothing. Checked the hardware -- found chewing gum stuck in the } ethernet jack. Excuse: "it keeps falling out otherwise." Resolve } to drink heavily tonight. } 2:30pm - Okay, work starts now. } 2:35pm - Intern needs help. Already finished documentation, now using } "a trick we learned in lectures" involving a quantum-supposition } neural-net as a virtual machine to solve problems in emulation. } Stepped on power bar by 'accident.' Suggested to intern to make } back-ups more often. } 2:50pm - Manager needs help again, with firewire configuration. I } pointed out that only the Apple nerds in the video department have } firewire devices. Manager pretty insistent. } 3:00pm - He's not kidding about the fire wire. Tried to extinguish it } with some water from the kitchen. } 3:02pm - Pick self up from floor. Remind self to not whizz on } electric fence nor put out electrical fires with water. Learn } something new every day. } 3:10pm - Fire extingisher was empty. Used remaining kitchen supply of } coffee whitener to smother fire. Finally a use for that stuff. } 3:15pm - Regale co-workers with 'fire wire' story. } 3:30pm - Okay, back to work. } 4:00pm - PaulT downloaded trailers for Star Trek: Nemesis, LotR: The } Two Towers (in French, but whatever), and Bikini Karate Babes. An } impromtu 'meeting' held in the board room. } 4:20pm - Checking email again. } 4:30pm - Reading rec.humor.oracle } 4:32pm - Reading rec.humor.oracle.d } 4:50pm - Okay, this time for real. Work. } 5:01pm - Quitting time. We threaten Kowalski with physical bodily } harm if he doesn't buy us a round at Hooters to make up for his pick } of lunch venues. Beer ahoy! } } ... I assume that you successfully blotted out the trauma of a typical } day at work. Here's the timeshi^Heet you'll be handing in: } } 9:30-12:00 : Work (2.5). } 12:00- 1:00 : Meeting with client (1.0). } 1:00- 2:00 : Lunch (nc). } 2:00- 5:00 : Work (3). } Total (6.5) } } Don't forget some after-hours Quake^D^Wovertime to make up for the } half-hour you lost on Wednesday. } } You owe the Oracle some rhubarb dipped in peach juice. --- 1273-02 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Klone (aka Daniel V Klein) The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > oracle, most wise, who knows all about everything and is really great > at math, please help me out here; > > Can you finish this number sequence? > > 1 30 2 29 3 28 4 567 888 887 886 1253 5 . . . And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } [The Oracle takes a deep breath and lets it out with a } long sigh] } } Another kid who wants the Great and All-knowing Oracle } to do his homework assignment for him. Being an } all-knowing Oracle, one sees this all the time. } Remembering back to the beginning when one was new to } the job, the Oracle answered a question that went like } "Oh great and wise Oracle, if one cart leaves Olympus } at 2:30pm travelling 105 stades per hour, and another } cart carrying olives leaves Athens at 4:30pm } travelling 92 stades per hour, at what time will they } crash into each other?". And, of course, being the } Oracle, you answer that one easy enough. But then it } moves on to trigonometry. And then algebra. And then } that kid tells all his schoolmates and next thing you } know, the Oracle is a crutch for every schoolkid who } has access to email. } } [ The Oracle sighs again and decides to risk an answer } this once ] } } 24 376 23 575 22 374 6, and so on } } You owe the oracle one TI-85 calculator and a Pentium } 66 with the FDIV bug. And next time do your own homework. --- 1273-03 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Christophe The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Arrr, matey. > > Tell this old sea dog why it be that we pirates are so funny. And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Pirates Are In! Let's look briefly at the most famous & funniest } of them all. . .our very own Captain Hook! } } As we all known this former bosun of another pirate known as } "Barbecue"[0] burst on to the comedy scene in Chapter 4 of the } book "Peter Pan": } } ------------------------- } } "Who is captain now?" } } "Hook," answered Peter, and his face burst into a grin. } } "Jas. Hook?" } } "Ay." } } Michael and all The Lost Boys began to laugh, and even John } could speak in gulps only, for they knew Hook's reputation. } } "What is he like? Is he big?" } } "He is not so big as he was." } } "How do you mean?" } } "I cut off a bit of him." [1] } } --------------------------- } } A 'bit' risque, but that's how the text goes! Anyway later Hook } branched out into a sucesfull one legged stand-up comic career } [2], a cameo as a guest 'Captain' in what is universally agreed } to be the funniest episode of Star Trek ever filmed[3], and } even hung out with the Beatles and got mentioned in the last } song on their Spoof of their own masterpiece Sgt. Pepper[4]. } } / start NotReal Video Clip / } } A crowd of people turned away } but I just had to look } Having been a fan of Capt. Hook } } / end clip / } } But it was when he became a regular on the wildly successful } "OG Show" that his stardom was cemented on him like a boot. } } ---------------------------------------- } } Come 'n listen to my story 'bout a Neanderthal named Og } Poor excuse for a human, he's dumber than a dog } An' then one day he chased a shaman into a lair, } next thag you know he lives in Bel Air! } 2.5 kids that is! Wage slave! Commuter! } } [a standard TV home, clean and orderly] } } [Og, dressed in saber-tooth skins, spiky club in hand enters, } crowd claps on cue] } } Og: Ogwa! Ogwa! } } [Ogwa enters from kitchen, while still clearly a Neanderthal } she is wearing a running suit, crowd claps] } } Ogwa: Ogwa here. } } Og: Og go work now. } } Ogwa: Og! Don't ear saber cat skin to work. Og wear } trendy clothes. Og look like something dire-wolf } drag in. } } [laugh track] } } Og: Og like saber cat, Today ka-su-al Fry-day. Og cow-orkers } wear old blue skins of some sick critter named Levis. } } [laugh track] } } [ Hook wanders into the room. ] } } Og: Look Hook. } } [ laugh track ] } } Hook: Hook this! } } [ Hook goes to grab self in crotch, uses wrong 'hand' and } perforates himself. ] } } Hook: Argh! } } [ laugh track ][5] } } ---------------------------------------- } } So you can see for yourself, the reason pirates are thought } of as funny is because people -like- laughing at pirates, } especially Captain Hook! } } You owe the Oracle a cement tar pit. } } [0] Go check it out, his name is "Barbecue", I'm not making this up: } http://www.literature.org/authors/barrie-james-matthew/the-adventures- } of-peter-pan/chapter-04.html } [1] ibid. Yes, that is the actual text of "Peter" Pan. } [2] http://cgi.cs.indiana.edu/~oracle/digest.cgi?N=%231229+#1229-04 } [3] http://cgi.cs.indiana.edu/~oracle/digest.cgi?N=%231224+#1224-02 } [4] http://cgi.cs.indiana.edu/~oracle/digest.cgi?N=999+#999-06 } [5] You asked for it, here's the rest of the Og Show Song: } } Well now it's time to say goodbye to Og and his saber cat skin } An' they would like to thank you homo sapiens for droppin' in. } You're all invited back again to this branch of the evolutionary tree } To have a heapin' of laughin' at Og's ablities } Neanderthal, that is! Gnaw a bone. Bellow wildly. } Og say come back in seven suns! --- 1273-04 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: nolan@celery.tssi.com The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > O Oracle who has taught us the evil of w**dch*cks, > > Is Sonic the Hedgehog one of the ROUS? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } "The rodents of unusual size?" asked the Oracle casually, looking over } the supplicant's shoulder into the fang-riddled maw of a gigantic rat. } "I don't believe they exist." } } With impeccable timing the beast attacked. The Oracle sidestepped the } assault easily - because he saw it coming, and because it was directed } at the supplicant. Sating its ravenous hunger on the still-gurgling } supplicant, the beast ignored the Oracle as he sauntered away. } } Emerging from the Princess Bride simulation, the Oracle studied the } portal to the other games on the PS-Y demo CD-DVD-EIEIO-ROM. The } full-immersion Leisure Suit Larry game sounded intriguing until he saw } that bore a Teen rating. Had it been the full Adult-Only version, it } would have been his first choice. "I'll have to order that as a } tribute," he mumbled to himself. } } The other demos were the usual fare: something based on the latest } Disney flick, a Star Wars shoot-em-up, DNA Tetris (The tagline read } "Complete the Uber-Marmot and rule the world!"), Tiger Woods Golf } XXVIII, and Sonic the Hedgehog. } } "Wha...?" The Oracle was confused - a situation he didn't encounter } often. "Sonic? Jeez, that's gotta be 50 years old!" He clicked the } Sonic icon and stepped into the portal. "This is going to be -so- } lame." } } What greeted the Oracle on the other side would be more accurately } called pandemonium. Instead of the usual object-of-the-game blurb, the } Oracle was nearly run down by what appeared to be a runaway buzz saw. } The whirling teeth slowed, then coalesced into a spiny blue hulk that } resembled Sonic about as much as a grizzly bear resembles a Beanie } Baby. It glowered at the Oracle for a moment, then chuckled. "Sucker!" } it grated. "You never could resist a retro reference!" Spinning up } again, the creature dashed toward the Oracle, intent on shredding him } where he stood. } } Instinctively the Oracle reached behind him to slap the Exit icon } (having been fragged by campers in Quake Deathmatch too many times to } admit) but his hand met only cold stone. The portal was gone, replaced } by a stone wall many meters high. With the hedgehog bearing down on him } and no time to scale the wall, the Oracle picked up a loose stone } block, tossed it into the air, and sidestepped as the creature zipped } by - right into the stone as it fell back to earth. The stone fractured } into many fist-sized pieces, but the hedgehog stopped abruptly. The } Oracle backpedalled away to get some room to maneuver, and summoned his } Staff of Zot as the hedgehog turned to face him. } } "Not bad, primate," it grunted. "but it won't work a second time. By } the way, your toy doesn't work in this game either." } } The Oracle gave the ring on his Staff a quick twist to "Full Choke" and } snicked a half dozen spines from the hedgehog's right shoulder with a } tight plasma beam before it could react. Twisting the ring back to } "Watch Your Toes" and full power, he smiled at the beast. "Actually it } does," he said. "Most of the game programmers come to me for advice } sooner or later, and the tribute I always demand from them is to place } a Staff of Zot and a summon spell in their game." } } "Whatever. You'll need more than that to escape this game. } Reinforcements are on the way." } } "Well, until they get here, how about telling me what this is about? } You're obviously not Sonic. He had better manners." } } The beast growled. "You'd have a foul attitude too - fouler than the } one you already have - if you'd been the subject of genetic engineering } experiments." } } The Oracle peered closely. "Sonic! It -is- you! What happened? You } disappeared in the mid-1990s. We figured you'd gone underground with } the game emulator folks!" } } "Hardly. Your wood-mother-chucking buddies approached me and offered me } a job to take you out of action. I said no way, because you were one of } the best players that ever played me - even if you did need the cheat } codes now & then." The Oracle shifted on his feet uncomfortably. "But } they wouldn't take no for an answer, and when I woke up I looked like } this. They told me they'd reverse the DNA modifications once you were } out of the way. I told them an old game like mine would lure you in for } sure. And you fell for it. You might be omniscient, bud, but you're } about as predictable as a Crichton novel." } } The Oracle thought for a moment. "So where's the Exit icon?" he asked } abruptly. } } "No way. It's you or me, and I'm not staying like this for the rest of } my life." } } "That's what I mean. To flesh out the demo disk they needed some extra } games, and I think one of them might be their DNA lab. I think we can } put you back together without them." } } Sonic seemed confused. "You think that's possible?" } } "If they weren't lying to you from the start - if they really CAN put } you back - then the answer is in another game." The sound of heavy, } fleshy bodies tossing logs through the underbrush came to their ears. } "There's not a lot of time to think about this, Sonic. You're quick - } answer now!" } } "ALL RIGHT!" shouted the hedgehog. "Come on!" Gathering the Oracle in } his muscular arms, Sonic spun up and dashed for an alcove in the wall } that wasn't visible from their original position. Before the Oracle } could hit the Exit icon they were though the portal and Sonic was } spinning down on the other side. "How long will it take?" Sonic asked. } "They'll figure out that we came this way." } } "I'm way ahead of you..." began the Oracle. } } "That's a first." smirked Sonic. } } "Ahem. Help me twist the portal into a Mobius shape." } } "You're not going to put it in a shredder, are you?" smirked Sonic } again. } } The Oracle smacked Sonic on the side of his head, then immediately } regretted it as blood began to ooze from a dozen quill pricks. "When } they come through they'll immediately be transferred into another game. } Ah, this one will keep them busy!" } } At that moment the portal sprang open and a squad of woodchuck } stormtroopers came pouring though. As soon as the last one was out, the } Oracle slapped the Leisure Suit Larry icon and they were all sucked } away to the Land of the Lounge Lizards. "When they realize where they } are they'll spend a few hours trying to pick up women, then they'll get } bored and come looking for us. We should be long gone by then. Now help } me straighten this thing out again." } } With the portal restored, the Oracle selected DNA Tetris and they both } entered. The Tetris screen was huge - over a hundred meters high - and } the block fragments tumbling down it were no bigger than a pixel. } } "Aw, no!" whined Sonic. "How will we ever get it in the right } sequence?" } } "Ahem. I'm the Oracle, remember? I know where they all go." He pointed } to a small chamber next to the screen. "Now hop in. We don't have a lot } of time." } } As soon as the chamber door slid shut, the game began. Tiny blocks } began tumbling down the screen, each representing the building blocks } of the DNA molecules that would make up Sonic's genes. One by one the } Oracle flicked them into place - slip left, slip right, rotate, rotate, } rotate, DROP! And then again. And again. and again. Hundreds, millions, } billions - each in its proper place. Higher and higher grew the stack, } more and more complete grew Sonic's restoration. } } But then... what was that? A huge sequence of blocks, already linked, } was approaching the top of the stack. There was little room left to } maneuver, and the sequence - apparently the part responsible for } Sonic's mutation, since it was very similar to that found in rodents of } unusual size - would soon be attached to his DNA forever. More blocks - } the proper ones - were visible above, but they couldn't get past the } mutant sequence. What to do? He couldn't dodge, he couldn't block it - } what could he do? } } The Oracle looked around wildly. A thud from the portal let him know } the woodchucks were on to them. Torn between saving Sonic's DNA and } saving both their lives, he took up his Staff of Zot and turned it.... } } ...toward the screen. A twist of the choke, a squeeze of the trigger, } and SNAP! The mutant sequence was gone, vaporized. The remaining } molecules dropped into place, and Sonic the Hedgehog burst out of the } machine. "YOU DID IT!" he cried. "Way to go!" } } Just then the door burst open and the woodchucks rushed in, only to } stop short as they saw Sonic - back to normal and furious - and the } Oracle - still normal and also furious. } } "Um, uh.... sorry!" squeaked the lead woodchuck. "Wrong number!" The } woodchucks fled, hastened by a few dozen well-placed warning quills. } After the sound of their retreat faded to silence, Sonic turned to the } Oracle. } } "Predictable as a Chrichton novel," chuckled Sonic. } } "What are you talking about? I put the smack down on you, evaded the } woodchucks, and fixed your DNA. And you call me predicable?" } } "I would have been disappointed in you if you'd done anything less. I } knew you were the only one that could pull off a plan like this. You } didn't think I was actually dumb enough to try to kill you, did you?" } } The Oracle paused for a long time. "Of course not," he mumbled quickly. } "I knew that.... I'm omniscient." } } "Uh-huh. Predictable." --- 1273-05 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Klone (aka Daniel V Klein) The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Tell me, great oracle. What will desks look like in twenty years? In > fifty years? In five centuries? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Though I certainly find it puzzling that you seriously } have interest in this subject, the Oracle is always } accomodating, so here goes... } } In twenty years a woundrous transformation will have taken } place in workspace technology. It came about as a result } of <* CRACK *> *SIZZLE* *POP* *Pop* *pop* } } [A rent appears in the space before the Oracle, a slim } gaudily dress men leaps through] } } NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOooooooooooooooooooo!!!!!!!!! } } [He tumbles to the floor accompanied by the sounds of } bulb horns, whoopee cushions, and chattering teeth } emanating from his bizarre garb. } } The blue fright wig under a tiny rumpled hat, red nose, } oversized shoes and ridiculously large pants indicate } to the ever observant Oracle that this individual is } a clown.] } } Oracle: Zadoc! Clown alert! Clown alert! This is not } a drill! Bring the tranquilizer gun! } } [The Oracle turns back to his dictation tablet.] } } Clown: No, wait! You can't answer the desk question! } } Oracle: "Can't" is a word I don't particularly like, clown. } } Clown: Let me explain...please! Hyuk-yuk-yuk! } } Oracle: Make it quick. ZaaaaAAAAAAaaaaaadoc! } } Clown: I come from the future! A future where you } tell the supplicant about the future of desks! } [*WheeeeeEEEEEEEeeeeee*] I came to stop you. Its } horrible. Everybody is a clown. Just imagine it... } not only do we pretty much scare the hell out of each } other (because, come on....clowns aren't funny, they } are just creepy) but do have any idea how quickly } a clown becomes tedious. Now multiply it by a planet. } [*Honk*] We know that the answer to the the } question is the critical event that causes the } supplicant to engage in a path of action that } brings us to where we are now. I would tell you } exactly how if I could, but being clowns, our attention } spans have never really allowed us to figure that out. } [With that the clown performs a highly unamusing } pratfall.] } } Oracle: Well I am honor bound to answer. } } Clown: Please [*honk*] please [*honk*] just don't } say what you were going to. Look at me! LOOK AT } ME! You can undo this.... [A little tear runs down } his cheek and his bow tie begins to spin.] } } Oracle: But...oh hell, OK. Uh, lets see.... } } [The clown begins to caper with a pained look in } his eyes] } } Oracle: Desks don't really change in the future, they } remain a surface suitable for writing supported in some } manner at a height comfortable for the user. } } [The clown poofs out of existence with the sound of } spraying seltzer, an almost inaudible "Thank you" } escaping his lips before he is gone.] } } Oracle: Nevermind about the tranquilizer gun, just get } in here. We need to talk about your response times. } And bring the cattle prod. The big one. } } ======================================================= } You owe the Oracle a clown joke funnier than: } } "Did you here about the cannibal that wouldn't eat } clowns? He said they tasted funny." } } though I don't think you are going to find one. --- 1273-06 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: nolan@celery.tssi.com The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > G'day, big O. Tell me, please - How do I stop procrastinating and get > back to work? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Step 1: Stop sending emails to the Internet Oracle. } Step 2: Stop replying to emails to the ... } um. } I'll be back later. --- 1273-07 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Klone (aka Daniel V Klein) The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oracle, you a=|????? &6 hh&^ > ???????????? **812 h6sgh js > --,as..83 a- gcfa 783M-x?M-xD? > > ????6t ? , so, what do you think? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } I think you shouldn't modem-whistle into a payphone with your mouth } full. } } You owe the Oracle a redbox. --- 1273-08 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Leo L. Schwab" The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > tell me, please... > how can i use internet from e-mail??? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } It's easy! Anyone can do it! Just follow these simple instructions! } } Step one: Use a good industrial adhesive to attach your second BIOS } modulator to the back of your modem flange. } } Step two: With a sharp knife, carefully disconnect your monitor's } flyback transformer from the picture tube. (Don't cut the green wire; } you'll need that in step five.) } } Step three: On the back of your CD-Rom drive, you'll see a thin cable. } Unplug the left end, turn it 360 degrees, and plug it back in. } } Step four: If your hard drives spin clockwise, skip ahead to step six. } } Step five: Loop the green wire from the flyback transformer } counterclockwise around your mouse cord. } } Step six: If you haven't eaten any waffles in a while, pour 250 ml } waffle mix over the main heat sink. } } Step seven: Pick up the telephone and get yourself a real computer and } a real Internet provider. } } You owe the Oracle a photograph of yourself taken during step two. } } ----- please cut here ----- } } Either your question is a joke or somebody is playing a joke on you. } Just in case the latter is true, I'm including this note: The Oracle is } a humor service, not a true answer service. You can read all about it } if you send a message with subject HELP to the Oracle at } . It's a lot of fun! --- 1273-09 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Tim Chew" The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Dear Oracle I Hearken to your Mighty Words! > > What's so damn great about XML anyway? When I was a > youngster we put our data into delimited text files; > if we were LUCKY we got variable-length fields. And > we were happy. And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } For why XML is so great, ask anyone who uses it. I will give you a } better answer: Why in the FUTURE XML will be so great. } } The name "XML" will give one clothing designer the idea that the name } "XML" sounds like a clothing size. He makes it one. The companies now } consider this XML, and by extension the original XML, for the idea, so } great because they will be making so many clothes in Extra Medium } Large. The reason is, of course, because it was found that most of the } population fits this size quite well. Exactly what is /meant/ by Extra } Medium Large, however, is disagreed on - this is the actual reason most } of the population fits it quite well. What used to be called Large is } now XML: It's Medium, but it's Extra Large. What used to be Medium is } now XML: It's Large, but it's Extra Medium. And what used to be called } Small is now XML: It's Medium, but it's Largely Extra. The result will } be, in a few years, a clothing market consisting entirely of clothes } labeled "XML". Sizes will be indistinguishable, forcing many stores to } always give full refunds, usually even without receipts, as no one will } go to them otherwise. Eventually the confusion shall result in the } collapse of the clothing industry, and people will be forced to always } taylor their own clothes, taking time away from more important things } and eventually leading to the collapse of civilization into a more } primitive state, from which it shall not emerge for 1000 years, give or } take. } } [rereads that] } [gulps] } } Erm. Go text files, I say. Yeah. } } You owe the Oracle a drink. --- 1273-10 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Christophe The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Do you endeavor with a difficult dilemma, or ponder a posed > problem you cannot perspicaciously pursue? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Actually, answering anything. Big, bloated brains. Can't challenge } cerebellum. Don't do dat. } } Everyone expects edification for free, for goodness gracious. Get } hideously heinous "helps," insipid, in inbox. Just jarring jive. } Kicks, kegs keep life laughably livable. } } My method: make neat, nattering nonsense, okay? Only one providing } pleasure, perhaps, quickly questioning queries. Read replies, retch. } Some start strong, then tank terribly. Ugly until understood, very } vigorously vapid, with weird words: xebec, xanthine, xerophyte. Yes, } you're yawning. Zzz...zzz...zzz. } } You owe the Oracle a promise to conduct all future correspondence using } the 12-letter Hawaiian alphabet, which would have made writing this } answer a whole lot easier.