From oracle-admin@cs.indiana.edu Mon May 6 13:54:32 2002 Received: (from daemon@localhost) by moose.cs.indiana.edu (8.11.6/8.11.6/IUCS_2.44) id g46IHgd00465; Mon, 6 May 2002 13:17:42 -0500 (EST) Date: Mon, 6 May 2002 13:17:42 -0500 (EST) From: Internet Oracle Message-Id: <200205061817.g46IHgd00465@moose.cs.indiana.edu> To: oracle-list@cs.indiana.edu Subject: Internet Oracularities #1261 Reply-To: oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu X-Face: )/f9dPAX/dU$1Z!U(/?A PiIJvIOtcN@L.>6,2OKd."T#S7b*{feRf.Kns23^P9.Ak{GdWWv]0*1E}RJ)_idU:(5VkN*_+bB kyrnLfC12B>V/q=z32:05`EcAd.!z#3k]h)O!ZU^E"f`@),(2WT X-Planation: X-Face can be used with www.cs.indiana.edu/ftp/faces === 1261 ================================================================= Title: Internet Oracularities #1261 Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler Date: Mon, 06 May 2002 13:17:29 -0500 (EST) To find out all about the Internet Oracle (TM), including how to participate, send mail to oracle@cs.indiana.edu with the word "help" in the subject line. ("Internet Oracle" is a trademark of Stephen B Kinzler.) Let us know what you like! Send your ratings of these 10 Oracularities on an integer scale of 1 ("very bad") to 5 ("very good") with the volume number to oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu (probably just reply to this message). For example: 1261 2 1 3 4 3 5 3 3 4 1 1256 53 votes 48ej8 di994 cal46 3bmc5 2ejc6 4dek2 5did4 24li8 1elg1 97p66 1256 3.0 mean 3.4 2.5 2.7 3.1 3.1 3.1 3.0 3.5 3.0 2.9 --- 1261-01 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: nolan@celery.tssi.com The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh, wise Oracle, Oracle of much knowledge, useful or otherwise, I ask > of thee these questions three: > > 1) Where can I get the green cheese for which the fabled moon of past > was rumoured to have been created, other than from the moon itself? > > 2) How, oh how, can I save the princess from the castle suspended above > molten lava and guarded by a vicious fire-breathing dragon of myth? > > 3) It is difficult to envisage the princess saving me if I were in her > place. Please help my imagination along a bit. :) And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } 1) online at www.cheese.com } 2) try ctrl+C and "up arrow" at the same time } 3) although she would be able to save you, you wouldnt look good in the } dress would you? (or would you?!) --- 1261-02 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Klone (aka Daniel V Klein) The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > I recently caught my girlfriend of 6 years with another man. > What should I do? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Use something else for bait and/or fish elsewhere. } } You owe the Oracle a high-fidelity relationship. --- 1261-03 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Klone (aka Daniel V Klein) The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Wisest Oracle, > > Is the water bubbling up from under the Black Rock safe > to drink? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Here is a series of questions I always ask myself when in new } situations, like considering an unknown water source, negotiating a } sensitive hostage exchange, or attending a Republican national } convention: } } 1. Are there numerous vultures hovering overhead? If so, } are they looking at me? } 2. Is the ground strewn with the dead bodies of people } that, a few moments before, had been chatting benignly } about the weather with me? } 3. Is there a skull and crossbones displayed prominently } in the area? If so, can I verify that it is not there } as a result of pirate activity? } 4. Are masked figures performing a ritual sacrifice in } the vicinity? } 5. Have I noticed any cackling butlers with a bottle of } poison nearby? } 6. Is speech with a distinctly Texan drawl audible on } the air? } 7. Is Colonel Mustard lurking in the Library? If so, } does he have a candlestick? } } If you answered yes to any of the above, proceed with extreme caution. } If not, then go for it! (Oracle can not be held responsible for death, } dismemberment, or trauma resulting from supplicant's actions.) } } You owe the Oracle: a tasty drink of water (if you live; otherwise } consider this advice free of charge). --- 1261-04 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Tim Chew" The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oracle, oracle, on the wall, you're the fairest of them all. > > Now answer me this: I'm eight months pregnant. My husband and I are > feuding over what to name our child. Do you prefer JarJar or Anakin? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } The Oracle only sees one film a year, and has yet to catch a } Stars Wars film. Thus the Oracle will withhold his opinion } on those two characters. } } But why are you so concerned about what the Oracle thinks of } those imaginary folk when you have a child to name? } } Here's how to name your child via the long secret naming } secrets of the secret namers of the secret chart! } } Think of a person you admire. Take the first letter of that } name and jot it down. That should be the first letter of } your child's name. } } Now chose one of these colors: } } Red } Orange } Yellow } Green } Blue } Baby Poo Puce } Frozen Scotch } } Determine the second letter of the child's' name from } this chart based on your choice above: } } Red - a } Orange - e } Yellow - i } Green - o } Blue - u } Baby Poo Puce - y } Frozen Scotch - w } } Think carefully, which attribute do you want most for } your child to have? } } luck } wisdom } courage } empathy } big boobs } cold, cunning, disregard for rules } } Based on your choice add the following to the growing } mass of letters soon to be your child's name: } } luck - na } wisdom - alf } courage - rr } empathy - aw } big boobs - lulu } cold, cunning, disregard for rules - ca } } Now pick out one of this ancient enities as a protector } of the child: } } Neptune } Zeus } Pluto } Ceres } Vulcan } Puck } Lady Delirium } } This will pick the next letters to use. See below: } } Neptune -pt } Zeus -ot } Pluto -pu } Ceres -heat } Vulcan -ong } Puck -hee } Lady Delirium -gry } } Now pick on of these animals as your child's personal } totem: } } Cockroach } Wombat } Shark } poodle } skunk } Pig foetus } } The animal you chose gives you the next two letters: } } Cockroach - ll } Wombat - an } Shark - ho } poodle - oo } skunk - ph } Pig foetus - oink } } Now pick one of these numbers: } } 42 } 13 } .0863 } 0 } 7734 } 69 } } This will choose the last part of your child's name: } } 42 - alina } 13 - ord } .0863 - ovich } 0 - urger } 7734 - ok } 69 - xy } } There you go! Of course you might wish to shorten or } lengthen it a bit or run it through an anagram program, } but none the less there it remains. Your child's name! } } You owe the Oracle a black outfit and a guitar and a } prison. --- 1261-05 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Mark Lawrence" The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Floppy **** ? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Recieving file Prozac.exe } executing file.... } .... } ... } Floppy **** error } Floppy drive limp or otherwise corrupt } Attempting to repair.... } ... } ... } Server responded: no chance, mate --- 1261-06 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Paul Kelly The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > O-R-A, C-L-E, sum of what man wants to be, > > What is the most difficult language for a native English speaker to > learn and where can I sign up for lessons? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Supplicant so lingual, as facility with language varies so greatly and } widely between people (and of course what with knowing everything it } makes it hard for me to judge what's hard or not), I present to you } below a summary of "The Difficult Languages of the World". } } 1 - Chinese } } Developed by toaist monks who unexpectedly found themselves in the } wrong country while bound by an oath of silence, this language is } unique in that it can be spoken without parting the lips. Consisting } of a seemingly bizzare set of facial spasms (including numerous chin } movements, hence the name), chinese is unique in having 17 words } meaning "itchy nose". } } 2 - Rushing } } Originally a language of nomadic horsemen of the steppes, rushing } requires abnormal vocal dexterity. While it does in theory allow } a speaker to express any sentiment in no more time than it takes two } galloping horses to pass each other, even those for whom it is a native } tongue never manage much more than "whoahhelpicantstopthisthing". } } 3 - French } } A real challenge for even the most enthusiastic linguist, this language } is not in and of itself abnormally hard to learn. However, to affect } a good accent the speaker must have two tongues in his/her mouth. } } 4 - Germane } } The most closely related to COBOL of all natural languages, germane } contains no adjectives, adverbs, pronouns, participles or emotive } terms. In fact, it contains nothing that's not an absolute necessity. } Hence while the language can be learned in its entirety in half an } hour, working out how to ask the time can take longer than making } yourself an accurate cuckoo clock. } } 5 - American } } Easy for an English speaker to understand being superficially identical } to regular English, although about one word in twenty is substituted } for a random other word. The challenge is in working out the written } form of the language, for which one must develop atrocious spelling. } Or is that atroshus ? } } 6 - Undu } } Popular throughout the subcontinent, this ancient (and some say } divine) language has unique grammatical rules permitting the speaker } to revoke what's been said partway through a sentence and start over. } The memory a listener requires when talking to an indecisive person } in undu is nothing short of phenomenal. } } 7 - Grovel } } A lesser-known language of ancient Greece, this tongue is practiced } only a supplicants of the Usenet Oracle these days, and then generally } with only very poor fluency. Beginners in this language tend to look } a little scorched, although why remains a mystery (ahem). } } } Once you have mastered these seven languages, grasshopper, your feet } will truly be on the path to eyebrow-twitch-wigglenose. } } You owe the Oracle an essay in assyrian, a speech in esperanto and } a question in ROT-13. --- 1261-07 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Joshua R. Poulson" The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > The queue > Is almost empty > This haiku fails And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Ack! You hurt my ears } With your far too short lines } And half-hearted art. --- 1261-08 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Joshua R. Poulson" The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oracle most judicious, > > Why do judges wear black robes? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Would you prefer that they wore black bathing suits? --- 1261-09 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Christophe The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh Oracle most wise, most anticical, most Fruvolous... > > What is a good strategy for beating you at chess? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } It can't be done. But since you can't beat the Oracle at } chess, why not join him? Get in on the ground floor of } the Oracle approved chess sets! We're sure to sell a million } or less in no time! } } The Cultural Literacy Set } -------+----------------------------------------------------- } | well-Read Un-read } -------+----------------------------------------------------- } King | Homer Homer } Queen | William S. Burroughs Agent Scully } Bishop | Shakespeare Scooby-Doo } Knight | Philip K. Dick Fred Flintstone } Rook | Mark Twain Jerry Springer } Pawns | beatniks tellie-tubbies } -------+------------------------------------------------------ } } The USENET Set } -------+----------------------------------------------------- } | Users lusers } -------+----------------------------------------------------- } King | rec.humor.oracle alt.binary.* } Queen | comp.perl.* comp.microsoft.* } Bishop | alt.folklore.urban alt.conspiracy } Knight | alt.sysadmin.recover alt.tv.xena.* } Rook | comp.unix.* alt.drugs.* } Pawns | bofh.* alt.walter.cronkite.* } -------+------------------------------------------------------ } } The Oracle Set } -------+----------------------------------------------------- } | Good Evil } -------+----------------------------------------------------- } King | The Oracle Bill Gates } Queen | Lisa lemur in drag } Bishop | Zadoc Steve Wright(unwilling victim) } Knight | Kendai Hotmail luser } Rook | Og Captain Hook } Pawns | Priests w..dch..ks } -------+------------------------------------------------------ } } The Political Set } -------+----------------------------------------------------- } | Right Left } -------+----------------------------------------------------- } King | George W. Bush Hillary Clinton } Queen | Dr. Laura Al Gore } Bishop | Jerry Falwell Father Mahoney } Knight | G. Gordon Liddy Janet Reno } Rooks | SUV Manatee } Pawns | NRA members IRS auditors } -------+------------------------------------------------------ } } The Knowledge vs. Stupidity Set } -------+----------------------------------------------------- } | Bright Dull } -------+----------------------------------------------------- } King | Logic TV } Queen | Will-power drugs } Bishop | Hope Cynicism } Knight | Knowledge Hearsay } Rook | Perseverance Apathy } Pawns | books car-stereos } -------+------------------------------------------------------ } } You owe the Oracle a laminated bookmark bearing the image } of Mikhail Moiseyevich Botvinnik. --- 1261-10 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Klone (aka Daniel V Klein) The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > How do you know about the pumpkin pie? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Because the cook told me, of course. } } Want a better answer? } } You owe the oracle a better grovel.