From oracle-admin@cs.indiana.edu Wed May 1 10:56:33 2002 Received: (from daemon@localhost) by moose.cs.indiana.edu (8.11.6/8.11.6/IUCS_2.44) id g41FPIV07235; Wed, 1 May 2002 10:25:18 -0500 (EST) Date: Wed, 1 May 2002 10:25:18 -0500 (EST) From: Internet Oracle Message-Id: <200205011525.g41FPIV07235@moose.cs.indiana.edu> To: oracle-list@cs.indiana.edu Subject: Internet Oracularities #1260 Reply-To: oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu X-Face: )/f9dPAX/dU$1Z!U(/?A PiIJvIOtcN@L.>6,2OKd."T#S7b*{feRf.Kns23^P9.Ak{GdWWv]0*1E}RJ)_idU:(5VkN*_+bB kyrnLfC12B>V/q=z32:05`EcAd.!z#3k]h)O!ZU^E"f`@),(2WT X-Planation: X-Face can be used with www.cs.indiana.edu/ftp/faces === 1260 ================================================================= Title: Internet Oracularities #1260 Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler Date: Wed, 01 May 2002 10:25:04 -0500 (EST) To find out all about the Internet Oracle (TM), including how to participate, send mail to oracle@cs.indiana.edu with the word "help" in the subject line. ("Internet Oracle" is a trademark of Stephen B Kinzler.) Let us know what you like! Send your ratings of these 10 Oracularities on an integer scale of 1 ("very bad") to 5 ("very good") with the volume number to oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu (probably just reply to this message). For example: 1260 2 1 3 4 3 5 3 3 4 1 1255 55 votes 7hia3 28oh4 8alf1 6chd7 5ho81 5ddea 6ckb6 6chd7 3nk81 1ehk3 1255 3.0 mean 2.7 3.2 2.8 3.1 2.7 3.2 3.0 3.1 2.7 3.2 --- 1260-01 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: MVSOPEN@aol.com The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Without pride I humble my wretched self before the Wise and Witty > Oracle, may he be immortal twice as long as his peers, > > If you throw rice at weddings, what do you throw at divorces? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Split peas. --- 1260-02 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Kirsten Chevalier The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh Oracle of replies so vinegary, > Of wit most divine yet sniggery, > My word of the day, > Prompts the question, if I may, > From whence your love of amphigory? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } How to answer your question today } In the most simply roundabout way? } I could use some bad pun } Or something much less fun, } But I'd rather count, chide and turn away. } } Do you find yourself able to score } In counting the way up to four? } Because if you did, } You'd see, like every kid } That you've made some most grievous error. } } Perhaps you were feeling too hungry. } But it's really just making me angry } I'll point it out, click Send } And just let you mend } It's am-phig-or-y not am-phigg-ry. --- 1260-03 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Klone (aka Daniel V Klein) The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Must all palindromes make sense, esne sekam semord, > nilap llats um? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } I've asked my palindrome pal BOB here to help us answer your } concern. . . } } Orrie: Bob, this year 2002 is itself a palindrome. What } could we buy to celebrate this year? } BOB: RACE CAR } } Orrie: What kind? } BOB: A TOYOTA'S A TOYOTA. } } Orrie: Any special reason? } BOB: A TOYOTA: RACE FAST, SAFE CAR: A TOYOTA. } } Orrie: Hmm, What if we can't afford a Toyota? } BOB: BORROW OR ROB. } } Orrie: Loki has a Toyota, didn't pay for it though... } BOB: HE WON A TOYOTA NOW, EH? } } Orrie: Stole it actually. } BOB: LIVE NOT ON EVIL DEED, LIVE NOT ON EVIL. } } Orrie: Erm, you just said to ROB though Bob. . . } BOB: REPEL EVIL AS A LIVE LEPER. } } Orrie: Words to live by, Bob, though unfortunately you may } find yourself wiser, sadder and poorer for it. } BOB: SAD? I'M MIDAS! } } Orrie: Really? I thought... } BOB: PART OF U.S. IS UFO TRAP. } } Orrie: Okay. Well, Erm, thanks for stopping by. } BOB: XERXES WAS STUNNED! EDEN NUTS SAW SEX, REX! } } Orrie: Zadoc! Can you get in here? And bring a net. } BOB: YO! BREED DEER, BOY! } } Orrie: And bring a few priests along too. } BOB: STOP! MURDER US NOT, TONSURED RUMPOTS! } } Orrie: And maybe a Priestess or two as well. } BOB: SENILE FELINES. } } Orrie: Why, oh why do I get myself into these messes? } BOB: MR. OWL ATE MY METAL WORM. } } Orrie. Hmm. . . mmH. --- 1260-04 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Kirsten Chevalier The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Gross and disgusting Oracle, I am your wretched supplicant, not even > worthy to pick snot out of your filthy nose. > > Please explain the primary recipes for puff pastry, the physical > principles involved in each (including the reasons for the differing > degrees of flakiness, volume, texture and aroma), and the economic > and meteorological difficulties encountered by the chef in each case. And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Puff Pastry } ----------- } from "The Oracle Cookbook", available in good book stores for $19.95 } } Ingredients: } - 500g flour } - 500g butter } - 1 tsp cream of tartar } - 1 tbsp lemon juice } - 1 egg yolk } - 1 cup cornflour } - 1 magic dragon } } Sift the flour and cream of tartar together. Divide the butter into 5 } equal pieces. Cut one piece of the butter into the flour and rub in } till it resembles fine bread crumbs. Beat the egg yolk and lemon } juice together and add ice water to make 1 cup. Mix this into the } flour with the blade of a knife till a dough is formed. Knead lightly } and refrigerate for 10 minutes. } } Slay the magic dragon, remove the head, wings and claws and leave to } cool. The best magic dragon can be found in Honalee and surrounding } areas. Freeze and grate the remaining piece of butter. } } Roll out the dough into a rectangle. Sprinkle with 1 portion of the } grated butter. Sift the cornflour/cream of tart arover the mixture. } Fold and roll, repeating untill all the butter and cornflour is used } up. } } Slice the dragon carefully lengthwise, taking care to avoid collapsing } world economies, freak thunderstorms and other 'bad-luck' phenomena } caused by the slaying of such a magical creature. If a young lad } named Jackie Paper calls ask after his pet dragon, tell him it's his } own fault for growing up and ceasing to believe in magic. } } Lay the dragon slices on top of the pastry and refrigerate for 30 } minutes before rolling out again. Glaze with a little milk before } baking at 220 degrees Celsius for five minutes before turning down to } 180 degrees Celsius and baking until done. --- 1260-05 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Kirsten Chevalier The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Are any of the original supplicants from the early digests (like > up to 010 or 020) still alive? Why? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Of course they're alive. That's just 20 years or so ago. It's } not like lots of octogenarians were using the Internet back } then. It's a demographic thing. } } Now what -is- true is that a very, very high percentage of people } who were supplciants back then are living lives of eternal torment. } But once again that's due to demographics. The Oracle's audience } was much more geek based then, and too many of those people now } have jobs as system administrators. } } You owe the Oracle an explanation as to why when I click the } thingie the thing doesn't show the gizmo thing like it used } to...Just kidding! --- 1260-06 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Christophe The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh Oracle most wise, he that is so helpful that he can propel little > old ladies across the road with his merest glance: > > Help! I think I've accidentally cloned myself, and I need your wise > advice on how to tidy up the mess before anyone finds out. Most > specifically if I shoot my clone, will it be murder or suicide? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Didn't the Oracle just answer this for you. . . } } Oh. Wait I minute. } } Erm, you might want to go into hiding like RIGHT NOW. --- 1260-07 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Tim Chew" The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > We beat Ronnie and Billy by 26 hours! And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } PETEY'S PECKISH PYTHON PICKS PEPPY REPAST } } TOPEKA, KANSAS. After over three days of competition, } the fifth annual National Lizard Kissing Contest came } to a delirious and dramatic conclusion Monday evening! } After judges removed defending champions Sally and her } pet salamander Jonesy from the competition due to a } rules violation related to their misuse of Super Glue } brand lip gloss, only two couples remained: Ronnie and } his pet gecko Billy, and Petey with his pet python } Herbie. } } After over a day of thrilling amphibious smooching, } Ronnie and Billy were forced to leave the competition } due to the dangerous increase in Billy's blood } temperature. Unwilling to accept mere victory, Petey } and Herbie decided to try for the world's record in } lizard/human kissing! } } Going strong after fifty hours of reptilian } osculation, the only impediment to beating the } national record remaining was the simple difficulty of } food! Herbie's sluggish metabolism held out only so } long, but the judges refused to grant a brief reprieve } for nourishment! Petey would not give up the siren's } song of international renown, and waved off judges } hoping to separate the pair! } } After a full 53 hours of toady smooching, Herbie could } hold off his hunger no longer, and gave in to animal } instincts! Kissing partner soon became eating fodder, } as Petey's slim body began to disappear beneath the } mighty python's slow, consumptive advance! } } Animal wardens were called into action to separate the } slowly digesting owner from his ravenous pet, but with } still-mobile arms Petey waved the zookeepers away, } clearly hoping to last an extra fifteen minutes and } gain entry into the Guiness Book of Records! His } wishes respected, the wardens backed away, and the } attention of the audience turned to the slowly ticking } clock on the ballroom wall! } } With merely ten minutes remaining, Petey's hip } remained visible! At five minutes, his knees peeked } out from beneath Herbie's massive maw! At one minute, } his ankles still held steady of their own strength! } At zero seconds, the tips of his toes still peeked out } beneath the tip of the python's forked tongue! } } Ticker tape rained from the ceiling and adoring fans } rushed the floor to offer their robust congratulations } to the victorious Herbie and the slowly pooling blood } of his late owner! Celebrations continued late into } the night! --- 1260-08 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Klone (aka Daniel V Klein) The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Kumquats: killer electronic fruit of doom! And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } What we have here is clearly a sample of a supplicant's food to } English dictionary! Other examples: } } Gherkin: Member of a horde of Barbarians which terrorized Eastern } Europe in the 14th century. } } Cat: The other white meat. } } Radish: ATI's next video card after the "Radeon". } } JELL-O: Insufficiently solidified paint samples. } } Whiskey: Not very safe. } } Souvlaki: I'll be by between the hours of 4 and 8 PM next Thursday, } unless it's raining. } } Spam: Hebrew for "Spam". } } Waffles: See pancakes. } } Pancakes: Cheap replacements for buying "Connect Four". } } Maraschino cherries: What kind of dictionary do you think this is } anyway, you sicko! } } Banana: Insert your Freud joke here. } } You owe the Oracle forty-one liters of brine. --- 1260-09 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: nolan@celery.tssi.com The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Great and Mighty Oracle, whose thingamabob is better than, erm, the > other thing in the whatsit and wherefore: > > I have trouble expressing my feelings, especially to those that I, > well, like. Not just like, but, you know, *like* like. How can I > overcome this? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Sodium pentothal. } } You owe the Oracle a statement of how you REALLY feel. --- 1260-10 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Mark Lawrence" The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > How come my compression scheme, which replaces each occurrence of > the word "I" with the letter "I", doesn't seem to work? > > My test phrase shows a theoretical compression ratio of 30%, yet my > actual testing shows no compression at all. > > Here is my test phrase: "I explore." > > As you can see, the test phrase is 10 characters long. I calculate > this based on the following: > > Two words with an average size of 4 characters, plus one space plus > a period. My algorithm replaces the first word with the letter "I". > That should produce a savings of three characters based on my average > word length. > > Thus, the 10 character phrase should be compressed to 7 characters. And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } The problem here is the test phrase. The phrase "I explore" is being } mistaken for Internet Explorer, a Microsoft product. Beginning with } the Pentium II, (G3 for Mac) all processors are designed to detect } Microsoft products and automatically assign them 25 Mb RAM and } 3.7 Gb hard disk space. This was done because: } } A) Microsoft products are going to bully their way around } your system like a drunken sumo wrestler anyway. } } and } } B) The chip designers were French. } } I suggest you try a different phrase, one that the processor will } have a natural understanding for. How about "I surrender"