From oracle-admin@cs.indiana.edu Thu Aug 9 12:22:26 2001 Received: (from daemon@localhost) by moose.cs.indiana.edu (8.11.4/8.11.4/IUCS_2.33) id f79Got703932; Thu, 9 Aug 2001 11:50:55 -0500 (EST) Date: Thu, 9 Aug 2001 11:50:55 -0500 (EST) From: Internet Oracle Message-Id: <200108091650.f79Got703932@moose.cs.indiana.edu> To: oracle-list@cs.indiana.edu Subject: Internet Oracularities #1228 Reply-To: oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu X-Face: )/f9dPAX/dU$1Z!U(/?A PiIJvIOtcN@L.>6,2OKd."T#S7b*{feRf.Kns23^P9.Ak{GdWWv]0*1E}RJ)_idU:(5VkN*_+bB kyrnLfC12B>V/q=z32:05`EcAd.!z#3k]h)O!ZU^E"f`@),(2WT X-Planation: X-Face can be used with www.cs.indiana.edu/ftp/faces === 1228 ================================================================= Title: Internet Oracularities #1228 Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler Date: Thu, 09 Aug 2001 11:50:42 -0500 (EST) To find out all about the Internet Oracle (TM), including how to participate, send mail to oracle@cs.indiana.edu with the word "help" in the subject line. ("Internet Oracle" is a trademark of Stephen B Kinzler.) Let us know what you like! Send your ratings of these 10 Oracularities on an integer scale of 1 ("very bad") to 5 ("very good") with the volume number to oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu (probably just reply to this message). For example: 1228 2 1 3 4 3 5 3 3 4 1 1223 72 votes 28rr8 39rmb 24lri chhec 04itl 3gsj6 6ftk2 hfgdb 22msi 4gql5 1223 3.3 mean 3.4 3.4 3.8 3.0 3.9 3.1 3.0 2.8 3.8 3.1 --- 1228-01 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Kirsten Chevalier The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Dear Oracle, I Hearken to your Mighty Words! > > Turns out my girlfriend bores the heck out of me. I want to break > up with her, but don't want to be rude and tell her that it is only > by massive effort of will that I avoid passing out into my gazpacho > every time I'm out with her. Please supply me with a more appropriate > excuse for the breakup. And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Been there, done that, got the restraining order. } } There are two basic approaches. One, you gently but firmly explain } that it's just not working out. Don't offer *any* explanations beyond } that at all (and whatever you do, do not let the words "it's not you, } it's me" cross your lips). It's not working out, you're sorry, and you } wish them well for the future. This method is mature, sensible, and } adult and thus it is used in less than 5% of all breakup situations, } because there just aren't that many mature adults running around. } } The other method, used by immature, neurotic cowards (in other words, } people like you and me) is to try and make the other person do the } dirty work for you, by being so unattractive, unlikable, or simply } weird that they choose to break up with you. Try any or all of the } following: eat your gazpacho with your fingers; scream at the waiter } that your soup isn't cold enough; or insist on reciting an epic poem } about your passionate love for gazpacho. } } You may also want to consider the possibility that a variation on } this technique is currently being used on YOU. Boring. Good one. } } You owe the Oracle a way to tactfully tell someone that they kiss } like a drooling goat. --- 1228-02 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Paul L. Kelly" The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > So, when's digest 1227 coming out? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } About two weeks before #1228. } } After that the digest start coming out even more irregularly until } #1300. Then things get, well, they get different. I can't really tell } you what happens after that, but just so you'll be ready here's what } #1300 will look like. } } ======================================================== } Date: Fri, 13 Dec 02 17:19:31 -0500 } From: Kirsten Chevalier } Subject: Internet Oracularities Digest #1300 } } To find out all about the Internet Oracle (TM), including how to } participate, send mail to oracle@cs.indiana.edu with the word } "ignore" in the subject line. ("Internet Oracle" is a trademark } of the recently retired Stephen B Kinzler. Have fun there in } Nueva Peru dude!) } } Let us know what you like! Send ratings of these 9 Oracularities } on an integer scale of 1 ("very poor") to 5 ("very good") with the } volume number to oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu (probably just reply } to any old message). For example: } 1257 } 5 5 5 5 5 5 5 5 5 } } 1295 1 votes 00001 00001 01000 10000 00100 00100 01000 00100 00010 } 1295 >3 ave 5.0 5.0 2.0 1.0 3.0 3.0 2.0 3.0 4.0 } } ------------------------------ } Date: Fri, 13 Dec 02 17:19:32 -0500 } From: Internet Oracle } Subject: Internet Oracularity #1300-01 } } Selected-By: "Paula L. Kelly" } } The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. } Your question was: } } > Oracle most wise, } > } > Am I OK? } } And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } } } No, you're CA. } } ------------------------------ } Date: Fri, 13 Dec 02 17:19:34 -0500 } From: Internet Oracle } Subject: Internet Oracularity #1300-02 } } Selected-By: Christophe } } The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. } Your question was: } } > Why do traffic lights turn red when I get there? } } And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } } } You'd turn red too if you had to change in the street. } } ------------------------------ } Date: Fri, 13 Jan 02 17:19:34 -0500 } From: Internet Oracle } Subject: Internet Oracularity #1300-03 } } Selected-By: "Tim Chew" } } The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. } Your question was: } } > Oracle most wise; } > } > Is it the blue wire or the red wire? I don't want to } > die in a ball of flames. } } And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } } } From: The Internet Oracle(tm) } } Subject: Time Bombs with Huge Flashing Red LEDs } } } } Dear Interchangeable Square Jawed Hero of Every Other Action Film } } Made in the Last Twenty Years, } } } } Not to worry. You will cut the correct wire. You main concern is } } to look both deadly serious and manfully worried for a number of } } slowly plodding minutes despite the fact everyone knows that you'll } } cut the right wire at the last second. Sweating is good. As are } } steely eyed stares at the LED. The Oracle reminds you not to } } forget the obligatory flashbacks to happier times and some loud } } bass driven music as you wait for the inevitable moment. } } } } Yours, } } } } TIO } } ------------------------------ } Date: Fri, 13 Dec 02 17:19:34 -0500 } From: Internet Oracle } Subject: Internet Oracularity #1300-04 } } Selected-By: Lifeform } } The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. } Your question was: } } > Did you like Penn and Teller? Isn't that awful what } > happened to them on Halloween? All that blood! } } And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } } } Is -this- your card? } } +-------------------+ } } | 3 ( ) | } } | C (_) (_) | } } | _|_ | } } | _ | } } | ( ) | } } | (_) (_) | } } | _|_ | } } | _ _ | } } | _ | _ | } } | (_) (_) C | } } | (_) 3 | } } +-------------------+ } } ------------------------------ } Date: Fri, 13 Dec 02 17:19:35 -0500 } From: Internet Oracle } Subject: Internet Oracularity #1300-05 } } Selected-By: "The Holy R. Poulson" } } The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. } Your question was: } } > H.w m.ch w..d . . . } } And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } } } It was a foggy night, a drizzly night, a night that makes you want } } to curl up by a fire with a cup of tea, not that the weather was } } a factor mind you in my decision to stay inside and incarnate, I } } could have gone to a show, or read a book, yet still... } } } } I sat down to answer a few questions, to kill some time. And there } } it was "How much wood would a wood...", I deleted it and went } } on to the next question. And that should have been it, yet I could } } not deny that I had a feeling of dread, a feeling that I could not } } shake. Outside the drizzle had turned to a steady rain. The room } } seemed to be growing cold, a most unnatural cold. } } } } I answer two more questions, not 'Best of The Oracle' material, but } } good solid answers of which I need not be ashamed and then, there } } it was again, "How much wood would..." I deleted it. } } } } CRACK! Thunder, it scared me and I nearly jumped out of my skin. } } Thunder had never startled me so as that one peal did, yet I did } } not stop incarnating, not right then at least. } } } } I got up and stretched. Made a cup of tea. Then back to work, even } } though I knew, just knew. And sure enough there it was. "How much } } wood..." And before I could give the question the zotting it so } } richly deserved the power failed. The only light now was from the } } fairly steady lightening outside... } } } } WHUMP! } } WHUMP! } } WHUMP! } } } } Blazes, what is that? Sounded like a tree limb, a bit of wood } } banging, thumping against the house. WhuMP! wHumP! But from } } where? There was no limb on any branch on any tree of this world } } so near my home... } } } } I got up. I donned a slicker and when outside. } } } } What a queer night it was, so cold, so very, very cold. } } } } WHUMP! } } } } Blast it, what could that sound be? } } } } I jumped as an especially bright flash of lightening lit up the } } yard. KARRRACK! came the near immediate thunder.... and then I } } saw it, some kind of little furry thing! A furry thing throwing } } wood at my house. } } } } "STOP!" I yelled. } } } } The thing bolted and ran. } } } } I chased it. } } } } It ran up a tree. And I after it. } } } } The rain was growing harder, the branches were slick, the wind } } biting and hard. Above me I could hear a weird sound, a chit- } } chit-chit, a mocking sound it was. } } } } I climbed on, higher and higher. } } } } And then I saw it clearly on the top of the highest limb, a little } } rodent man and he was laughing. Laughing at me! } } } } Then I fell, not a quick fall, but a sliding bang-bang-bang on } } every single branch tumble on the way down fall. And as I hit } } the ground I witnessed it. In one huge flash and simultaneous } } crack of gigantic proportions a bolt of lightening hit the } } top of the tree where that beast had been and the whole tree } } exploded in flames and splinters and boiling sap and pain. } } } } I tired to jump and run away, but my left leg was, it seemed, } } twisted oddly. And it hurt. So I dragged myself away from the } } tree as best I could. } } } } Behind me the tree smoldered. The driving rain having already } } doused the hellish fire it had become. The stench of burnt wood } } was only slightly less than a stench of a manner I can not quite } } describe, a kind of rotten eggs and singed hair stench. } } } } I had to get inside, but I could crawl no more. I looked to my } } home. No lights were on, how could they not have heard that } } otherworldly blast? } } } } Yet no light was on. } } } } I had to get their attention. } } } } Around me lay bits of warm chunks of wood, wood from the smitten } } tree. } } } } I picked up a piece and threw it at my home. It hit the house } } with a resounding WHUMP! I picked up another and chucked it } } too at my home. WHUMP! And another. WHUMp! and another! } } } } WHUMP! } } WHUMP! } } WHUMP! } } } } I chucked wood at my house until I could chuck no more and then } } I rolled over on my back in the rain and let the cold downpour } } wash my soul into the soil, cold and alone. } } ------------------------------ } Date: Fri, 13 Dec 02 17:19:36 -0500 } From: Internet Oracle } Subject: Internet Oracularity #1300-06 } } Selected-By: The Nolan's } } The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. } Your question was: } } > Wises Oracle, } > } > What signs get asked what? } } And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } } } ==================================================================== } } Questions Astrological Signs Ask } } } } .-. .-. } } (_ \ / _) Aries- "Why do I look like cleavage?" } } } } . . } } '.___.' Taurus- "This makes me look fat! Why couldn't } } .' `. I get that cute cleavage symbol like } } : : Aries?" } } : : } } `.___.' } } } } ._____. } } | | Gemini- "Will id -ever- cough up royalties for } } | | using me in the name of " Quake ][ "? } } _|_|_ } } } } .--. } } / _`. Cancer- "How can I quite looking like dancing } } (_) ( ) sperm?" } } } } .--. } } ( ) Leo- "Do I look -anything- like a lion to you?" } } (_) / } } (_, } } } } _ } } ' `:--.--. } } | | |_ Virgo- "People keep confusing be with Scorpio the } } | | | ) horny sign, , is that a scream or } } | | |/ what?" } } (J } } } } __ } } ___.' '.___ Libra- "Scales! Scales! Why can't I look like scales } } ____________ instead of a speed bump?" } } } } } } _ } } ' `:--.--. } } | | | Scorpius- "You got a sister?" } } } } ... } } .': Sagittarius- "Sagittarians are too serious to even } } .' believe in astrology, why do we have } } `..' a sign?" } } .'`. } } } } _ } } \ /_) Capricorn- "I feel like a Visual Basic icon! I hate } } \ /`. VB, I'm into perl! What can I do to look } } \ / ; more like a Swiss Army Chainsaw?" } } \/ __.' } } } } } } .-"-._.-"-._.- Aquarius- "How can I convince my whining cohorts to } } .-"-._.-"-._.- accept themselves as they are?" } } } } } } `-. .-' Pisces- "I look like a bug! I want to look like } } : : a marlin, what can I do?" } } } } } } The Oracle thanks http://www.ascii-art.de/ascii/index_xyz.html } } for the art "@@ Signs of the Zodiac @@ 11/96 (c)jgs". A great } } site full of acsii art. All they ask is to include the name of } } the artist if you use some art, such as 'jgs' was noted here. } } } } THe Oracle may be all knowing, but an artist he is not. } } } } You owe the Oracle a "Slow Children Ahead" sign. } } ------------------------------ } Date: Fri, 13 Dec 02 17:19:37 -0500 } From: Internet Oracle } Subject: Internet Oracularity #1300-07 } } Re-selected-By: Davy O'Hemming } } The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. } Your question was: } } > How will The Lord of the Rings Part I film end? } } And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } } } Okay. You asked for it! } } . } } . } } Spoiler to follow! } } \ / } } ----------------------- } } TURN BACK NOW IF YOU } } DON'T WANT TO KNOW THE } } ENDING OF THE FILM!! } } } } SPOILER STARTS NOW! } } } } ************************* } } At the very end of the } } film they show the names } } of all the people who } } helped make the movie!!! } } ************************* } } } } You owe the Oracle a very expensive bag of popcorn. } } ------------------------------ } Date: Fri, 13 Dec 02 17:19:38 -0500 } From: Internet Oracle } Subject: Internet Oracularity #1300-08 } } Selected-By: "Direct Marketing Atkinson" } } The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. } Your question was: } } > Oracle, wise guy that you are, } > } > What am I not thinking about? } } And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } } } Why you've never notice that your kid looks like } } the milkman. } } ====| EOF #1300 |==== --- 1228-03 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Leo L. Schwab" The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh Oracle most wise, > > What will be the biggest surprises when "The Lord of The Rings" > film is released? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } 10. The Religious Right will be out in force to } condemn the evils of cohobbitation. } 9. Martha Stewart will have a special on what to do } with all your leftover lembas. } 8. The same no-life looneytune who created a } programming language for Klingons will announce his } own hacked version of MacOS localized for Sindarin. } 7. Read the f'n ShadowFAQ. } 6. Nursery rhymes will become mysteriously longer. } 5. New flavors at Ben and Jerry's: Frodo Fudge, Sauron } Patch Kids, Bilboberry. } 4. Rosie O'Donnell starts referring to Ring Dings as } "My Preciouses". } 3. The US Army Rangers get an even bigger case on } themselves. } 2. Forests finally get fed up and literally walk } picket lines until loggers give up. } } And the number one big surprise when the LoTR movies } come out... } } 1. One ring to rule them all, } One ring to find them, } One ring to bring them all, } And in the darkness bind them.... } } but no smokers/weirdos, be discreet, and only if } you're serious, box 1138. } } You owe the Oracle an ent (and an uncle). --- 1228-04 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Kirsten Chevalier The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Dear Oracle, whose mind knows no limits between races: > > Why don't asian actors ever get roles in movies where they aren't > playing stereotypical asian people? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Orrie: Let me introduce you to my new pal Long Lyne! } } [ Smallish, though highly muscular oriental man leaps } into the room. ] } } Long: HHHHHHHHHHHhhhhhhhhhiiiiiiiiiiiiya! } } Orrie: What Long excels at is hacking up lines that are way } too long because people don't know how to use the } key anymore. Watch this! } } [ The Oracle tosses a question at Long. ] } } Long: HHhhhhhhhhhhhiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiya! YA! YA! YA! } } [ In a lightning flurry of hands and feet Long hacks the } auto-line-wrap mess into a more correct format! ] } } "Why don't asian actors ever get roles in movies where } they aren't playing stereotypical asian people?" } } Orrie: You are incredible. } } [ Long bows. ] } } Orrie: Care to answer the question for us too? } } Long: Why would I want a role as fat white geek boy or } sleazy trailer trash? Much better be inscrutable } martial artist. } } Orrie: Thanks little fella. } } Long: Uuuuu, ah so. } } Orrie: What was that? --- 1228-05 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: MVSOPEN@aol.com The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Wise Oracle most accomplished, most copious, most libidinous, > and slightly scurrilous, > > Where's the party going to be this weekend? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Alright supplicant, How shall I put this? } } The Oracle - God of Prognostication, Knower of all things. } } Dionysius - God of Hedonism and Debauchery - AND PARTIES. } } Listen, you'd think you Norse Gods, as big a bunch of beer guzzlers } as you are, would have your own God of Swilling Hooch. But no, you } had to be cheap and miss out on the draft, and let the Greeks get } the good Party Gods and the Fraternity Franchise. And then to make } matters worse, you put Loki in charge of the bash, and (PREDICTABLY) } he spiked the brownies with Ex-Lax(tm). } } I can't do it here any more, Thor. After Odin went around groping } Lisa, and Tyr was telling everyone to "pull his stump," Lisa is fed up. } I'm not going to even go into what you did with my collection of Ming } Pottery with that damn hammer of yours. } } And forget about Kinzler. He still gets this tic whenever I mention } you. And he still hasn't gotten the stain the Fenris wolf left on } his carpet out. Criminy, man! You'd think after a few millenia that } pup would be house broken. } } If I was really spiteful, I'd turn you over to Zadoc and put him } in charge. But I'm not. } } Seriously, I know you think he's a fruitcake, but you really } need to bury the hatchet with Dionysius. And not in his head, } you raving berserker. Send him a basket of cheese, and make nice. } He's got the overhead and the connections, not to mention the space. } I tried to help you out, but it's just not working here, and I have } too much to do this weekend. Okay? } } You owe the Oracle some industrial strength carpet cleaner, and a } crew of thralls to glue pottery. --- 1228-06 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Otis Viles The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > O Grand and much spiffier than a tv dinner Oracle, whose physician > prescribed eyeglasses can magnify the sunlight to burn a 2 mile hole > through the center of China, making Tiennamen Square look like a small > church pic-nic : > > Tell me please, Why are they called 'ice cream socials' when it's the > people who are milling about and talking? The only thing i've ever seen > the ice cream do is to huddle frightened at the center of the table. And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } This is yet another example of how language shifts over the years. The } original term was "ice cream sociopath", which has its origins in a } rather gruesome historical incident, in which one Lars Cedric Faddlewok } stabbed thirteen people to death with a popsicle stick in an ice cream } headache inspired rage. } } This incident is also the source of the famous and quite chilling } (sorry) chant: } I scream } You scream } We all scream } for ice cream! } } After that, any large group of people eating ice cream was cause for an } "ice cream sociopath alert", which was, eventually, corrupted to "ice } cream social". } } And now you know... the REST of the story. } } You owe the Oracle an excuse to eat an entire pint of double-fudge } chocolate chunk all by myself. --- 1228-07 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Christophe The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Do you charge for delivery? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } You have to make the kid's middle name Orrie, that's all I ask. --- 1228-08 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Tim Chew" The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > What's a slightly used soul going for nowadays, anyway? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } It's going for a pizza, want it to pick you up one, too? --- 1228-09 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Ian Davis The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Stick with me kid, I'll get ya into the Oracularities! And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Chapter 2 } } Meanwhile, on a small mountain, located on the eastern face of a } much larger one, so that it could get good sunlight in the morning, } during the Time of Answering, an apprentice is troubled. } } "Oracle," he says to the Great Teacher, "your wisdom exceedeth the } summation of sagacity of all the learned peoples of all times and all } places, excepting those who use hotmail, as their wisdom contributes } negatively to this total, thus rendering it insufficiently large for } worthy comparison; your insight so penetrates that thou canst see a } broken heart from thirty-four paces in a hailstorm; your breath smells } as a warehouse full of chocolate bars with the air conditioner broken } on the third of July, just after the bars soften, and just before they } begin to run out their packaging; why did this supplicant not grovel?" } } Taking a deep breath, he continues, "My wit is insufficient to } find an encoded message, save 'Tick skid time?', to which I would reply } '3:13 in the morning, UTC, on the morning of July 17, 2017, when you } will pursue a deer through high grass in teflon boots;' but this has } not, so far as my feeble eye can see, the Buddha nature. So I ask your } beneficence, to whom the Buddha defers, and the Nazarane embraceth as } an uncle: why did this supplicant not grovel?" } } Yet still, the Oracle spoke not. "What I ask three times must not } be a stupid question," continueth the apprentice, "yet in the } supplicant's question, I can not see a Star Trek episode, for Uhura has } not the translator for Hollywood; there is no alternate future } timeline, for the sidekick must die for the main character to escape, } and the heroine must be freed just before ravishment, lest the } unnatural order of things collapse, and the Great Renaming be undone; } and despite thy Incarnate soul, I have no mockery of dead white male } poetry which suffices to eludicate the depth of the supplicant's } foolishness: so I ask ye, in your reticence: why did this supplicant } not grovel?" } } And the Oracle, apparently satisfied that the apprentice Really } Wants To Know, speaketh, saying: } } "You owe me the prequels to this question, and a better name than } 'Attack of the Clones.'" --- 1228-10 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Mark Lawrence (lawrence.4@osu.edu)" The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Please tell me the features of the Oracle programming language I heard > you designed. And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } OPL (Oracle Programming Language) v1.1 } } The grammar of an Oracle query is a follows: } } , } * } } } where } } = Oh Oracle, who } } = <[most, wisest, sexiest, holiest]> } = can } = <[with something surprising about the task of ] } or [without something usually associated with ]> } = you figure it out } = see verb } } = } } = <[who,what,where,why,how]> } } By supplying a database at run time, inane questions to the Oracle can } now be automated. For instance, even with a small database such as: } } {Objects: fish, frog, tulip, dinner, bottle}, {Verbs: throw, run, } think}, {Twist: without breathing, while doing laundry, underwater}, } {Background info: I've been seeing this girl for 5 years, Star Trek } isn't as interesting as it used to be, My mother's name is Carol} } } There are a number of queries that can be formulated, such as: } } Oh wisest Oracle, who can run with tulips underwater, } My mother's name is Carol. What do frogs think about dinner? } } For version 2.0, the Oracle plans to add an answer feature that answers } with a witty response that incorporates the "Get your free mail at } Yahoo" signature. } } You owe the Oracle a bottle that throws fish while doing laundry.