From oracle-admin@cs.indiana.edu Mon Jun 18 08:56:49 2001 Received: (from daemon@localhost) by moose.cs.indiana.edu (8.11.4/8.11.4/IUCS_2.32) id f5IDPqK24851; Mon, 18 Jun 2001 08:25:52 -0500 (EST) Date: Mon, 18 Jun 2001 08:25:52 -0500 (EST) From: Internet Oracle Message-Id: <200106181325.f5IDPqK24851@moose.cs.indiana.edu> To: oracle-list@cs.indiana.edu Subject: Internet Oracularities #1222 Reply-To: oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu X-Face: )/f9dPAX/dU$1Z!U(/?A PiIJvIOtcN@L.>6,2OKd."T#S7b*{feRf.Kns23^P9.Ak{GdWWv]0*1E}RJ)_idU:(5VkN*_+bB kyrnLfC12B>V/q=z32:05`EcAd.!z#3k]h)O!ZU^E"f`@),(2WT X-Planation: X-Face can be used with www.cs.indiana.edu/ftp/faces === 1222 ================================================================= Title: Internet Oracularities #1222 Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler Date: Mon, 18 Jun 2001 08:25:39 -0500 (EST) To find out all about the Internet Oracle (TM), including how to participate, send mail to oracle@cs.indiana.edu with the word "help" in the subject line. ("Internet Oracle" is a trademark of Stephen B Kinzler.) Let us know what you like! Send your ratings of these 10 Oracularities on an integer scale of 1 ("very bad") to 5 ("very good") with the volume number to oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu (probably just reply to this message). For example: 1222 2 1 3 4 3 5 3 3 4 1 1217 46 votes 4j8d2 6dh82 4dh93 6ae97 0aha9 25jb9 17gf7 7cf66 67dc8 05eed 1217 3.1 mean 2.8 2.7 2.9 3.0 3.4 3.4 3.4 2.8 3.2 3.8 --- 1222-01 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Christophe The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > oraclestat -an And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } [supplicant@delphi ~]$ oraclestat -an } Active Incarnation Summary: } Protocol LocalAddr RemotePort Status Flags } tcp delphi:25 231 ANSWERING } tcp delphi:25 289 ANSWERING NULL_QUESTION } tcp delphi:25 703 ZOTTING NEWBIE,WOODCHUCK_QUESTION } tcp delphi:25 1058 ANSWERING } tcp delphi:1054 119 DIGEST } tcp delphi:1061 6667 CHAT LISA } [supplicant@delphi ~]$ tcpdump -i eth0 port 1061 } tcpdump: Permission denied. } [supplicant@delphi ~]$ --- 1222-02 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Dave Hemming The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Wise Oracle, > > Are children extension of their parents or bits of soul > that have escaped? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Actually, they're bits of their parents that escaped. } } You owe the Oracle a diaphragm and a condom. --- 1222-03 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Tim Chew" The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh Oracle of wisdom so great... > > Would you please tell me why paranoia has fallen from fashon? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } They just want you to think that it has gone out of style, so that you } think they're not out to get you any more. Then they strike. Fiendish } ploy, isn't it? } } You owe the Oracle It. You know what It is. And if you don't give It, } then I'll come and get you myself... --- 1222-04 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Sid Dabster The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > This is a multi-part message in MIME format. > > ------=_NextPart_000_003B_01C0F430.65E52EE0 > Content-Type: text/plain; charset="koi8-r" > > How correctly to move the member? > > ------=_NextPart_000_003B_01C0F430.65E52EE0-- And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Hey, buddy, in this neighborhood you can get jail time for miming that } in public. } } You owe the Oracle an airtight imaginary box. --- 1222-05 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Joshua R. Poulson" The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh Oracle, please answer this question as only you are able to > answer: > > It's my birthday--can I skip crying if I don't want to? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } The song says: } 1. "It's my party, and I'll cry if I want to." } } Because the English language is imprecise, this can be translated to } one of two logical sentences: } 2a. (It is my party) and ((I want to cry) then (I will cry)) } 2b. (I want to cry) then ((It is my party) and (I will cry)). } } The _Modus Tolens_ of the above two statements reveals: } 3a. (It is my party) and ((I will not cry) then (I do not want to cry)) } 3b. ((It is not my party) or (I will not cry)) then (I do not want to } cry). } } Therefore, the best way to skip crying is to go to someone else's } birthday party. } } You owe the Oracle a piece of cake. Happy birthday. --- 1222-06 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Alyce Wilson" The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > In your opinion: what is the most intricate biological system? The most > beautiful, the most unusual & the most interesting biological fact? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } The most intricate biological system, in my opinion, is the human body } itself. Think of it in a mechanical sense. It is capable of so many } feats that are ,sadly, taken for granted. } The human body can find, gather, and process its own fuel. After } processing, consume fuel through a method made up of a series of } mechanical and chemical processes in order to breakdown and convert the } fuel to its needed components. } } It has a distribution system that sends the needed fuel components } where they're needed. After which, it removes the waste. } } This human body, capable of mobility, can repair itself (within certain } limits), communicate with other human units, defend itself as needed. } Self-programming, it is capable of creating additional biological biped } units like itself and guiding theses self-programming units to } self-sufficiency while passing on valuable data that can be assimilated } or discarded as deemed necessary. } } One needn't look further than ones own body to find the most } fascinating biologival system ever devised. Look at your hands. You, as } a human, can make various tools to do a number of chores with them. } } The most beautiful biological system? Easily the link between the } tongue and the nose. } The sense of taste combined with the sense of smell makes what would } otherwise be "consuming fuel" a pleasurable experience. } } The most unusual biological system ... without doubt, that would have } to be the heart. Esentially no more than a pump, it stops only at } death. Talk about built to last. } } As for the most interesting biological fact ... the fact that the } propotion of water in the earth and the human body are identical. } In order to maintain health, one's intake of water, or water-rich foods } (vegetables and fruits), should be about 75%. } This in no exaggeration. Water flushes out the toxins and lubricates } various bodily systems. } Without them we grow sluggish ... why? Because your system poisons } itself unless it gets sufficient water. } } Teas are diuretics and draw out more water than they put in, soda rots } the stomach lining. I'll bet you didn't know that for years, soda } distributors have used the very soda they sell to clean their truck } engines... and still do. Now, what does it do for your insides? } } How do you think I've lived so long and remained so healthy? --- 1222-07 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Michael A. Atkinson" The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oracle of deep and revered thought, please tell me, > > Would you like green eggs and ham? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } I do not eat green ham or eggs } Because this issue the question begs: } Those foods that color I have never seen } So why, exactly, are they green? } } Have they been behind the fridge? } Did you find them in a ditch? } Did they exude from some strange pipe? } Are they under, or over-ripe? } } Green eggs make me think of salmonella } Green foods should be veggies (or lime jella). } And green ham? Eww, trichinosis } I'd rather kiss a troll with halitosis. } } So, no thanks, I'd rather not } Eat green eggs that look like snot. } That goes for the green ham as well. } You owe the Oracle some Taco Bell. --- 1222-08 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Alyce Wilson" The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh Oracle most wise, wonderful, bright, beautiful, great, but not > small, please will you help me... I am in a quandary. > > I am currently between jobs, and on my resume' I indicated that I am > one of the Elder Gods. It was just a little joke, you know, something > to break the ice in the interview. Well, there's this one company I > interviewed with, where the guy I talked to looked at this, and said, > "an Elder God, splendid!" without even batting an eye. In fact, I got > the distinct impression this was the sort of thing he *expected* to see > on a resume'. And now this company has asked me for my references. > It's starting to look kind of spooky. What should I do? Would it be > best to come clean and admit that I overstated the truth, or should I > try and bluff my way through? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } You claimed you were an Elder God? Oh man, that's hysterical. That } reminds of the time Hermes, Thor and I decided to try and sneak into } Club Aphrodite (which Zeus and Ares were trying to keep to themselves, } the bastards) and Thor figured he'd never be allowed in a Greek club if } he looked Norse, so he hid his hammer in his pants and tried to } disguise himself as Dionysios, but it turned out it was naked olive oil } wrestling night and so we all ended up drunk and.... well, that wasn't } really what you asked, was it? } } You could just claim it was a typo, and that you are actually an Alder } God. (You have until the interview to learn a whole lot about trees.) } In a similar vein, you could claim dyslexia and be an Elder Dog, } although the wagging might be problematic. } } But I think you should go ahead and try to bluff your way through. In } preparation for the interview, acquire a cattle prod, a wireless throat } microphone, an air horn, some figs, wine, and a half-naked nymph (a } dryad will do, in a pinch. So to speak. Ahem.) } } Attach the cattle prod to a long stick. You can glue a little glitter } on it if you want to get fancy. This will be your "Staff of Zot". } Arrive at the interview early enough to put on your microphone and } connect it to the building's intercom system. You should have already } put the airhorn down your pants. } } Arrive in the reception area with the nymph clinging to your arm. When } you are called into the interviewer's office, tell her "Await my } return, and we shall proceed to Olympus forthwith." (This is the Elder } God equivalent of pretending to get a really important call on your } cell phone.) } } As you sit down, trigger the air horn. (Keep in mind that breaking wind } in an interview is a faux pas only for mortals-- for us gods, it's just } another way of announcing our arrival. Zeus can practically clear a } room, and don't *ever* be standing behind Athena when she shows up. } Whew.) } } Answer all the questions more or less normally, but speak into the } microphone, of course. If asked about your Godhood chuckle modestly and } say "Oh, I never discuss religion at work". If pressed, look } inscrutable and say "I've never had problem in that area". } } By now, you should have a sense of whether the interviewer is going for } it or not. If all is well, congratulations! If not, stand up and shout } "How dare you doubt me, you puny mortal!" and ZOT him a couple of } times. This will give you time to get out the building (don't forget to } collect your nymph) before he can call security. } } The figs and wine? Those are for me, thanks-- I skipped breakfast. } } You owe the Oracle notice of when you are going to try this, I want to } watch. --- 1222-09 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "BJ" The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oracle most wise and wonderful, > > You have given me so much wisdom over the years that I was thinking of > sending you a birthday present. Could you please tell me when your > birthday is, where to mail the present, and perhaps what you would > like? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Well, that's sweet of you, Supplicant, really. } } But to tell you the truth, there's no one day that's my birthday. I } mean there's the date the old temple was set up in Delphi, and the date } I moved to Indiana, and you know, for an immortal being who collects } tributes, pretty much every day is like a birthday. } } So, instead, I'd like you to honor my birthday by pretending it's your } birthday. I send you a small, strangely carved wooden box, full of } treasures. Open it whenever life seems to have lost its charm. The box } contains: } } The memory of a summer day at the beach. } The sounds of your loved ones breathing as they sleep. } The colors of the sky as twilight deepens into dusk, and the first } stars appear. } The snap in the air of a crisp fall day. } Sunlight on flowers, and the smell of spring. } A cold drink on a really hot day. } The appreciative laughter you get when you tell a really good joke. } Twelve dead frogs, and a pair of dirty sweat socks. (you can get } rid of those, if you want. Zadoc liked them.) } } The box is infinitely expandable; you can store your own treasures in } it by simply thinking them there. } } Happy Birthday. } } ======= } As a side note, this particular incarnation would like you to know that } today really *is* my birthday. Thanks, Orrie, for a delightfully } shiverous bit of synchronicity. } } And I promise to be funnier next time. --- 1222-10 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Otis Viles The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > I am not an in-joke! I am a human being! And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Cute Kendai, now get yer butt back down to the kitchen } and don't come back until ALL those potatoes are peeled.