From oracle-admin@cs.indiana.edu Thu Dec 21 09:37:26 2000 Received: (from daemon@localhost) by moose.cs.indiana.edu (8.9.3/8.9.3/IUCS_2.29) id JAA13679; Thu, 21 Dec 2000 09:14:49 -0500 (EST) Date: Thu, 21 Dec 2000 09:14:49 -0500 (EST) From: Internet Oracle Message-Id: <200012211414.JAA13679@moose.cs.indiana.edu> To: oracle-list@cs.indiana.edu Subject: Internet Oracularities #1196 Reply-To: oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu X-Face: )/f9dPAX/dU$1Z!U(/?A PiIJvIOtcN@L.>6,2OKd."T#S7b*{feRf.Kns23^P9.Ak{GdWWv]0*1E}RJ)_idU:(5VkN*_+bB kyrnLfC12B>V/q=z32:05`EcAd.!z#3k]h)O!ZU^E"f`@),(2WT X-Planation: X-Face can be viewed with ftp.cs.indiana.edu:/pub/faces. === 1196 ================================================================= Title: Internet Oracularities #1196 Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler Date: Thu, 21 Dec 2000 09:14:49 -0500 (EST) To find out all about the Internet Oracle (TM), including how to participate, send mail to oracle@cs.indiana.edu with the word "help" in the subject line. ("Internet Oracle" is a trademark of Stephen B Kinzler.) Let us know what you like! Send your ratings of these 10 Oracularities on an integer scale of 1 ("very poor") to 5 ("very good") with the volume number to oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu (probably just reply to this message). For example: 1196 2 1 3 4 3 5 3 3 4 1 1191 64 votes 5doi4 5hjh6 3kne4 3duf3 ahlc4 88oi6 4iub1 4hwb0 47foe b6fma 1191 3.0 mean 3.0 3.0 2.9 3.0 2.7 3.1 2.8 2.8 3.6 3.2 --- 1196-01 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "BJ" The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > The supplicant has no questions to ask. And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } The Oracle is defiling your question. Expect an pustulent boil in a } day or two. --- 1196-02 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Ross Clement The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Fire! And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Err... no, no, you have to choose one of "Paper", "Rock", or } "Scissors". "Fire" isn't an option. } } Let's try it again. } } Rock! --- 1196-03 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Otis Viles The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > More busy than a hive of bees, more restful than a bed of clams, > more content than a herd of cattle, more demonstrative than a gaggle > of geese, more boisterous than a murder of crows, wiser than a biker > bar full of owls, the Oracle is all that and more! > > When the USA finally up and absorbs all of present day Canada, except > for those sillies in Quebec, what will the new nation be like? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } It won't exist at all. You see, Canada is a country, like many others. } But, the USA is actually an anti-country, the exact opposite of a } country. Should Canada and the USA merge, there will actually be a } matter/anti-matter like reaction resulting in the destruction of both, } and a pretty nifty bang as well. } } The following table should demonstrate the 'anti-country' status of } the USA. } } +----------------------------------+---------------------------------+ } | Typical Country | USA | } +----------------------------------+---------------------------------+ } | Well respected leader given | George Bush | } | power to lead country. | | } +----------------------------------+---------------------------------+ } | Delicious and nutritious | McDonalds | } | national cuisine. | | } +----------------------------------+---------------------------------+ } | State-funded education system. | "potatoe" | } +----------------------------------+---------------------------------+ } | Culture and the Arts. | Marilyn Manson. | } +----------------------------------+---------------------------------+ } | Industry and Agriculture. | GM Soybeans | } +----------------------------------+---------------------------------+ } } The Oracle rests his case. Of Yuppie flu. --- 1196-04 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Christophe The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh most wondrous and super-neat Oracle, who is even niftier than Happy > Fun Ball, please tell me: > > What is it with scooters? They seem to become incredibly popular every > once in a while. I wasn't alive then, but I know that in the 50's, > crew-cut boys would scoot along on their scooters, down to the five > and dime to get a coke. Then, in the late 80s, these weird scooters > with wheels that looked like they belonged on a tiny BMX bike came > out. They even had handbrakes. Those seemed to be popular with the > freestyle bike crowd. > > Now, it's the year 2000, and these "razor scooters", made of shiny > aluminum, with inline-skate wheels, are all the rage. > > I have two questions: > 1. Why do scooters periodically get REALLY popular, only to sink > into obscurity after a year or so? > 2. Were there scooters before the 50's? What scooters will we > see in the future. > > Thank you for your consideration, O Most Sagacious One. And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Every so often, the "scooter meme" morphs into what you recognize as a } traditional scooter (two small wheels connected by a board with a } steering handle). However, these scooters don't sink into obscurity. } Rather, different versions of them are produced that infiltrate the } zeitgeist and become so ubiquitous and commonplace that you no longer } notice them as unique--or, even as even scooters. } } Here are some popular things which you may not realize are actually } highly refined scooters: } } - skateboard (headless scooter) } - shopping cart (grocery carrying scooter) } - automobile (4-wheeled motorized scooter with protective shell) } - toaster (bread-baking scooter) } - television (low-grade entertainment scooter) } - toilet (human waste disposal scooter with hollow seat) } - Microsoft Windows (scooter that always crashes) } } In fact, this message is being sent to you via the miracle of the } electronic message-scooter. And if you think that's amazing, consider } that Lisa is actually a highly advanced prototype of a sexy female } companion scooter. } } You owe the Oracle a moebius-wheeled scooter. --- 1196-05 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Mark Lawrence (lawrence.4@osu.edu)" The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oracle most un-null-like, > > Why are your followers more into cats than any other critter? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Fierce fighting fishies } are quite nifty swimmers, } And Black Lab Retrievers } as pets they are winners, } And if its the case that you don't care for dogs, } We've ornamentally horny ole' African frogs. } } Oh there's spaniels, } Geeks like Daniel, } We're so gleefully keeping as pets. } Og and Ogwa, } and Rhod Dogma } take holidays flea-dipping with vets. } } Zadoc's a Flatworm } or maybe a fluke.... } At least there aren't hairballs } In shoes where he's puked. } But "why cats?" you ask me, well let me be terse, } Its everso simple a reason: purr verse. --- 1196-06 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Leo L. Schwab" The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Astonishing and auspicious Oracle, > > What will be the biggest surprises when "The Lord of The Rings" > film is released? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Dr. J.R.R.'s literary executors will probably be just a *leeeetle* } annoyed about this movie, since the producers and director decided to } change a few things: } } -- Gandalf turns out to be Golum's long-lost sister } } -- The orcs win at the end (although the hobbits escape, leaving open } the opportunity for a sequel) } } -- There is a gay elf shower scene, involving "elf kissing" } } -- The Ring of Power has a quarter karat of tanzenite inlaid into it } (exact replicas will be sold on QVC for only $395.00 -- or three } E-Z-Pay installments of only $138.00 each. Plus shipping) } } -- Product placements in the movie will include Wild Turkey Bourbon, } Brill-O, M&Ms, Taiko Sushi, Depends (don't ask), Red Devil brand vacuum } cleaners, ACE Hardware, Toyota (you really don't want to know), the } Democratic National Committee and Microsoft ("Where do you want to go } today, Gollum?"). } } Basically, it's a cheezy rip-off. You'll love it. } } You owe the Oracle a bootleg copy of _A Funny Thing Happened On the Way } To the Forum_. You know, the version with the nudity left in. --- 1196-07 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Kirsten R. Chevalier" The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > I need to get to California in the worst way. Can you help? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ } The Ten Worse Ways to get to California } ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ } } 10) Go to nearest police station and tell them that you killed a } Kangaroo Rat once while in California. You'll be extradited } there pronto. If you don't need to get to California real } fast tell them you killed a human in California, it'll take } longer for them to get you to California, but on the plus } side though you'll spend less time in prison when you get } there. } } 09) Dress up like Jay Leno, run from the people throwing rocks } at you, when you get someplace where they don't throw rocks } at you, then stop, you'll be in California. } } 08) Walk towards the setting sun. Stop when you get to the } sea. Then go north or south depending on where you run into } the ocean at. (This applies to North/South Americans only, } all others follow above directions and when you get to a sea } change your mind and go home, trust me on this one.) } } 07) Win a trip to Hollywood, by entering a "I want to be in } a sleazy porno flick" contest, details available at the } nearest bus depot, ask for Vinnie. } } 06) Take a shovel and toss into outer space all parts of the } Earth that -are not- California until you are where you } want to be. } } 05) Go to Alaska and duct tape yourself to the back of a Grey } Whale, when it migrates to Mexico for the winter get off } as you pass California. } } 04) Join the Marines, but only under the condition that you } train at Camp Pendelton, CA. } } 03) Ingrate yourself to some Deadheads and follow them about, } sooner or later you'll get to California. } } 02) Become a lawyer, 1 in 7 of them are in California, chances } are good you'll get lucky. } } 01) Take lots of drugs and adopt weird political views, join a } cult, even if you stay put, you'll be in California. } } You owe the Oracle a postcard from Venice Beach, CA of the chain } saw jugglers. --- 1196-08 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "BJ" The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > The only thing different > The only thing new > I've got your money > She's got you... And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } This and other favorite lawyer ditties are included } in "Barrister, I Hardly Knew Her; 500 Sure-Fire } Funny Lawyer Songs" from Og Inc. } } Here's other hits you'll get when you order today: } } "Here's a paper, it's for you! } Ha, ha it's a summons, we're going to sue!" } } AND: } } "I'm forever filling counter suits, counter suits } just like a torrent of rain in May..." } } AND: } } "Tort Law! It got me a big boat! } Tort Law! I'm taking your shirt and your coat! } Tort Law! Allows me to ruin you! } Tort Law! There's not a darn thing you can do!" } } And who could forget: } } "When I'm suing you, youuu, you, you, you..." } } ALL of these and a whole lot more are yours when } you call 1-800-Oganswerthedangphone. Have your } credit card and mortgage ready. You won't be as } sorry as you think! Order now. Order often! --- 1196-09 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Dave Hemming The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Listen to me humans of Earth! The greatest of all your benefactors > is the Wise Oracle! In requital of his glorious deeds, you have > justly allotted by statute a share of your libations and drink- > offerings in every temple and at every public service, whom, in > hymns and in worship, you treat as the equals of gods of old and > the demigods of your own feeble times! > > What is the Ancient Egyptian God Set up to now a days? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Quite a lot. In fact, here's the top 101 things Set is up to: } } 1. Book 6 of The Wheel of Time. } 2. US$335 an ounce. } 3. Something special. } 4. The set of all sets that contain themselves. } 5. A load of fetid dingo's kidneys. } 6. THIS LEADEN PALL by Half Man Half Biscuit. } 7. Volume 3, Biscuit to Bruise. } 8. 10% royalties, jumping to 12% after 10,000 are sold. } 9. A lifestyle full of luxury and ease. } 10. Miss September. } 11. Step 9: Mountain fold leg down; repeat behind. } 12. Still looking for Osiris's penis. } 13. Ahead 5 games to 3, serving 30-love. } 14. Arguing with his former landlord about getting his security deposit } back. } 15. A shady real estate deal in the Everglades. } 16. Shadowfax. } 17. Dipping a madeline into a really nice hot cup of tea. } 18. Acknowledging truths about young bachelors with fortunes. } 19. No shirt, no shoes, no human head, no service. } 20. Rue, that's for remembrance. } 21. Giving THE TIGGER MOVIE 1 star out of 4. } 22. His hips in anklebiters, the poor bastard. } 23. Finding out what light breaks in yon window. } 24. Being vewy vewy quiet -- he's hunting wabbits. } 25. Presenting the latest smash collection -- HOTTEST HITS OF THE '80s! } 26. Resisting temptation. } 27. Open to suggestions. } 28. You wouldn't like him when he's angry. } 29. Speaking with more pauses than a Pinter play. } 30. Ruling in Hell rather than serving in Heaven. } 31. Riding through the forest in search of a damsel in distress. } 32. On his way to the Senate to accept the title Dictator For Life. } 33. Getting renaissance on your breast. } 34. "Sybil, this is my dear friend Loxias. Loxy, you've heard me } mention Sybil -- you know, my old school roommate?" } 35. On hold with his insurance agent trying to make a claim. } 36. No, really, don't tempt him. } 37. At the cruising altitude of 35,000 feet. } 38. Five of the Seven Peaks. } 39. 367 out of 391 birds on the checklist. } 40. Question 39. } 41. 13 down: Something shadowed, almost. 7 letters, third one is P. } 42. Asking HAL to open the pod bay doors. } 43. Breaking into the central databanks of the Gnomes of Zurich. } 44. "So, we meet again, Mr. Bond." } 45. Ringing the Lutine Bell at Lloyds. } 46. Must. Resist. Temptation. } 47. Hunting heffalumps. } 48. Taking suggestions from the audience. } 49. "Gor' blimey, mate -- it's full o' gold!" } 50. Being nominated for the Hugo award for the fifth time. } 51. Strapless bras. } 52. Next, attach a 10 Ohm resistor as shown. } 53. Getting a bad feeling about this. } 54. Camp IV, preparing for going for the summit tomorrow morning. } 55. Still on hold with his insurance agent. } 56. "Get thee behind me, Devil!" } 57. No, he doesn't know "Dance Band on the Titanic." } 58. Article III, section 1, paragraph 4 -- my client objects to the } term "jerk." } 59. Labor 5: Cleaning the Augean Stables. } 60. A gig down at Bernie's. } 61. Eating hot death, Steve. } 62. At the cafe for open mic poetry night. } 63. Coincidence or conspiracy? You decide. } 64. Appealing to the Justice League for another recount. } 65. "Badges? We don't need no stinkin' badges." } 66. Oh, all right, you can tempt him a little. } 67. 54 copies of the Love Bug virus. } 68. Level 5 -- still trying to get around that drop trap behind the } burning oil barrel. } 69. A straight, 10 high. } 70. Going 95 miles per hours down Speedway Avenue. } 71. Lime jello in a glass bowl. } 72. There is no 72. } 73. "Nature, Mr. Olnut, is what we are sent here to rise above." } 74. Having fun on Halloween because he doesn't need a costume. } 75. Trying to decide whether to ride Magic Mountain once more or ride } through Toon Town. } 76. No, really. Try to tempt him. } 77. "For sale: Baby clothing. Never used." } 78. Comparing thee to a summer's day. } 79. Well it was Saturday night -- I guess that makes it all right. } 80. Doing 5 to 9 in medium security for 3 counts of stock fraud. } 81. Pretending to be a rock so the rabbits won't notice him. } 82. Livin' la vida loca. } 83. N-35. Hey, that's a bingo! } 84. Guessing the pea is under the shell on the right. } 85. Since music be the food of love, playing on. } 86. Go on -- tempt him a little. Please? } 87. "Home is the hunter, home from the hills." } 88. Looking for Uncle Charlie's grave -- according to the caretaker, } it's somewhere in this square. } 89. Attending yet another star-studded celebrity wedding. } 90. "Now see here, Zeus -- I'm tired of you gettin' uppity. Ain't that } right, Knuckles?" } 91. Being mistaken for either a bird or a plane, we're not sure which. } 92. Trying to guess what does it have in its pockets, me Precious. } 93. Zechariah, though frankly these prophets are getting tedious. } 94. One word: plastics. } 95. Pretending to be Sidney Pointier's cousin. } 96. Pretty please? Tempt him already. } 97. Number 12 in the world rankings. } 98. Holding out for what's behind door number 3. } 99. Writing "AND THEN THEY ALL DIED, THE END." } 100. STILL on hold with his insurance agent. } } And the 101st thing that the Ancient Egyptian God Set is up to: } } 101. No good. --- 1196-10 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Paul L. Kelly" The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Egor: "More questions for the master, yes, yes, more questions for the > master..." > > Oracle: "Er, Igor?" > > Egor: "That's Egor, master, yes, as I said before." > > Oracle: "Ah, yes, now I remember. Egor, then. Egor, why did you come > back? We're not advertising for a new in-joke to my knowledge, and if > we are, then I must have words with Zadoc..." > > Egor: "Egor merely wishes to serve the master, yes, and grovel before > his magnificence!" > > Oracle: "..." > > Egor: "Egor would like to know, how the master speaks in punctuation, > yes." > > Oracle: "It's simple, you just- no, no, I'm not going to tell you. In > fact..." > > [Oracle turns to the door.] > > Oracle: "ZADOC!" > > [Zadoc enters.] > > Oracle: "Please, see Egor to the front door, would you?" And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Egor: No, I refuse to leave! } } [ Three excessively bubbly teenage girls appear in -poof- of } pink smoke! ] } } Pi: Hi, we're here to help! } } Cymbal: And help is what we're here for! } } Acid-free: Yup! We're helpful! } } All: We're the El-F*! Inyourtoot! } } Zadoc: Huh? } } [ The girls break into song: ] } } Gals: We represent the new injoke guild } the new injoke guild } no, not 'nude' guild } and in the name of the new injoke guillllllld! } We welcome you to injoke land! } } [ Huge house falls out of the sky and crushes Zadoc and } Egor. ] } } Oracle: Oh my. } } To be continued...