From oracle-admin@cs.indiana.edu Sun Dec 17 10:49:58 2000 Received: (from daemon@localhost) by moose.cs.indiana.edu (8.9.3/8.9.3/IUCS_2.29) id KAA26634; Sun, 17 Dec 2000 10:23:57 -0500 (EST) Date: Sun, 17 Dec 2000 10:23:57 -0500 (EST) From: Internet Oracle Message-Id: <200012171523.KAA26634@moose.cs.indiana.edu> To: oracle-list@cs.indiana.edu Subject: Internet Oracularities #1194 Reply-To: oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu X-Face: )/f9dPAX/dU$1Z!U(/?A PiIJvIOtcN@L.>6,2OKd."T#S7b*{feRf.Kns23^P9.Ak{GdWWv]0*1E}RJ)_idU:(5VkN*_+bB kyrnLfC12B>V/q=z32:05`EcAd.!z#3k]h)O!ZU^E"f`@),(2WT X-Planation: X-Face can be viewed with ftp.cs.indiana.edu:/pub/faces. === 1194 ================================================================= Title: Internet Oracularities #1194 Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler Date: Sun, 17 Dec 2000 10:23:57 -0500 (EST) To find out all about the Internet Oracle (TM), including how to participate, send mail to oracle@cs.indiana.edu with the word "help" in the subject line. ("Internet Oracle" is a trademark of Stephen B Kinzler.) Let us know what you like! Send your ratings of these 10 Oracularities on an integer scale of 1 ("very poor") to 5 ("very good") with the volume number to oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu (probably just reply to this message). For example: 1194 2 1 3 4 3 5 3 3 4 1 1189 71 votes 18yia 19ukb 6foec 4kse5 5kza1 28oqb 28ikn 2gnka 5hoi7 2nsf3 1189 3.2 mean 3.4 3.4 3.2 2.9 2.7 3.5 3.8 3.3 3.1 2.9 --- 1194-01 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Alyce M. Wilson" The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > The daily burden of working all day long, the search for meaning in the > debris of modern culture, I can only continue because I know the Oracle > can explain it all! Oh let the praise of The Oracle sound from many > a tongue, Telling of his intellectual deeds should be etched in gold! > > How can I get my coworkers to discuss something other than TV sitcoms > during work breaks? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } You will already have discovered that it is useless to try changing } the subject, as your colleagues will immediately return to sitcoms. } You need to be rather more subtle. Obtain a copy of your company } regulations and peruse them carefully. if you are lucky you will find } that no provision is made for breaks. Complain to senior management } that its workers are not putting in their required hours. Although } breaks may cease for a time until the regulations are modified, you } will be pleasantly surprised to find that the subject of conversation } has undergone a radical change and will doubtless include you, your } immediate past, and your future. Good luck. --- 1194-02 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Paul L. Kelly" The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Dear Oracle, > > Is CowOxide equivalent with roast beef? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Dear supplicant, } } I'm afraid it's not as easy as that. As any adept student of chemistry } can tell you, what is commonly know as "roast beef" is, in fact, } known to the chemistry community as "2 DiCowTriOxide" and is derived } at by the reaction: "4 Cows + 3 O2 --> 2 Cow2O3" (the trailing numbers } should be lowered, but the Oracle's mailer does not support this). } } CowOxide (tm), on the other hand, is the result of a patented } anti-decomposing-treatment, which prevents the rotting of meat. } I can't reveal the process in full, but it involves replacing all the } substances that can rot with course, coated sawdust. Sludge is then } added for texture. CowOxide (tm), when introduced a few years ago, } has taken the catering community by storm and now is the meat base } of about 85% of all burgers (the other 15% being chicken and fish). } } You owe the Oracle some fresh haggis and two pints of McEwan's 80%. --- 1194-03 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Christophe The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > O Oracle whose wisdom sometimes disappoints me, even though I prepare > to be Zotted for merely asking... > > Who's more accurate, you or my Magic 8-ball? Please support your > answer with case history. And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } The outcome is uncertain. Please ask again later. --- 1194-04 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Kirsten R. Chevalier" The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh Oracle most wise, worshipped and esteemed... > > You've been giving some absolutely horrible advice lately, from what I > hear. It's been rumored that you've made use of a Magic 8-Ball to come > up with answers to the questions asked of you. Is that allegation true? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Ok, you found my secret. Truth is, dear supplicant, the Oracle has } been so incredibly busy these days with shopping for the priests (not } to mention Lisa, but let's not go there!) that he has had sparse few } minutes in which to ponder, reflect, and meditate upon the wonderful } questions that pour into the queue each day (light on the cream, } heavy on the sarcasm). } } If the supplicants would find some halfway interesting questions which } to intrigue the great mind of the Oracle instead of the meaningless } drivel that has been flying like the proverbial stuff heading toward } the direction of the spinning blades, maybe, just MAYBE I could resort } to providing answers that don't have to come from a child's toy. } In the meantime, however, most questions I have been receiving as of } late can be answered, at least in part, by the following list: } } This product is meant for educational purposes only. Any } resemblance to real persons, living or dead is purely } coincidental but damn funny. Void where prohibited. Some assembly } required. List each check separately by bank number. Don't touch. } Batteries not included. Contents may settle during shipment. } Like potato chips do. Use only as directed. That means whip } cream cans too. No other warranty expressed or implied. Do not } read while operating a motor vehicle or heavy equipment. Postage } will be paid by addressee. Subject to approval. This is not an } offer to sell securities. Apply only to affected area. Unless } you enjoy that kind of thing. May be too intense for some } viewers. Do not stamp, stomp, kick or shake. Use other side for } additional listings. For recreational use only. Do not disturb. } If condition persists, consult your physician. Or just ignore } the pain, like the Rock on WWF. No user-serviceable parts } inside. Freshest if eaten before date on carton. Don't think } you can smell test your way out of this. Subject to change } without notice. Times approximate. Like airports. Simulated } picture. Simulated reality. Simulated election. No postage } necessary if mailed in the United States. Breaking seal } constitutes acceptance of agreement. Oops, you've done it now. } For off-road use only, but feel free to cut me off on the way to } the Stop-N-Go. As seen on TV. One size fits all. Many suitcases } look alike. Spend as much time in the aisle as possible. } Contains a substantial amount of non-tobacco ingredients. Colors } may, in time, fade. Like love. (sigh) We have sent the forms } which seem to be right for you. Slippery when wet. For office use } only. Not affiliated with the American Red Cross or Bon Jovi. } Drop in any mailbox. Edited for television. Keep cool; process } promptly. Chill dude, chill. Post office will not deliver without } postage. They're like that. List was current at time of } printing, but now you're hosed. Not responsible for direct, } indirect, incidental or consequential damages resulting from any } defect, error or failure to perform. At participating locations } only. Like the ones in Kentucky. Not the Beatles. Penalty for } private use. Do not write below this line. Don't you listen to } anything? Now go do your chores boy. Falling rock. Lost ticket } pays maximum rate. Your cancelled check is your receipt. Add } toner. Hug a tree. Place stamp here. Nope, you missed. Avoid } contact with skin. Sanitized for your protection. Slightly } higher west of the Mississippi. Employees and their families are } not eligible. Beware of dog. Contestants have been briefed on } some questions before the show. Get it? It's fixed. Limited } time offer, call now to insure prompt delivery. You must be } present to win. So stand there for the rest of the day. No } passes accepted for this engagement. What a great Christmas gift } movie passes were huh? No purchase necessary. Use only in well- } ventilated area, unless you like being stupid. Keep away } from fire or flame. No anchovies unless otherwise specified. } Call toll free before digging. Driver does not carry cash, only } chickens for barter. --- 1194-05 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: MVSOPEN@aol.com The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Comdex, bloody Comdex... And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Dear supplicant, you have stumbled on one of the basic principles of } human existence, namely, that all human life centres on two } events--Christmas and Comdex. } } You may ask (and I'm sure you did) "why Christmas and Comdex?" The } answer to this is simple indeed. You see, Comdex is simply a } reincarnation of Christmas for the techno-junkies. Decades ago, as the } personal computer began to take a foothold on the world, many people } began to lose control of their lives. Now, I'm not saying that the PC } caused people to lose control of their lives, but the two events did } happen at the same time. But I digress... } } As the techno-junkies spent their lives working on inadequate solutions } to inadequate problems, they would spend many days on end hiding in } their offices writing code with the hope of saving one lousy little } pico-second of computing time (no one actually considered that plugging } the machine in would make it run *considerably* faster). Things got so } bad that they neglected their families and lost sight of the Christmas } spirit entirely. } } That was why I have given mankind Comdex. It represents a second } Christmas for all the techno-junkies. They all gather together and } exchange gifts of information, renew friendships, and continue the old } family feuds. } } For Christmas, you owe the Oracle an airline ticket to the next Comdex. --- 1194-06 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Julianna Avedon" The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > How does a ventriloquist throw his voice? Underhand or overhand? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } } } "Another supplicant thinks he's being funny, eh? We'll soon see } about that... Zadoc! YO, ZADOC!! GET IN HERE!!" } } [Zadoc the Priest enters in one quick hurry, his knees a blur as } they propel him across the highly-polished hardwood floor. Somehow, } he manages to maintain traction. Perhaps it's the fact that his } priestly robes are nearly invisible beneath the colorful coating of } smooth and dimpled paper chips from old computer punchcards, Florida } election ballots, and Teletype paper-tape punches]. } } ZADOC: "You projected voluminously, O Founder of the Very Idea for } the Temple of the Screaming Electron?" } } ORACLE: "Hmmm... not bad. Though I'm surprised you'd even mention those } blasphemous hacks in the Oracular Temple... what's with the robes?" } } ZADOC: [His eyes averted, explains with a tremble in his voice] "O } Wondrous and Mostly Benign, but sometimes forgetful, Prognosticator } of Protonic Particulate Pathways, it was your ruling that the all } the priests go clothed while on duty..." } } [The Oracle's eyeballs roll skyward] "No, offspring of a third-class } blivet! I meant that ridiculous coating of paper punch-outs!!" } } ZADOC: "OH! A thousand apologies, Master! I returned from a Holy } Retreat in the now-equally Holy City of Chad just last week..." } } ORACLE [wincing]: "I'm sorry I asked..." } } ZADOC: [waxing enthusiastic] "...and they had all these leftovers } from the New Year's celebration..." } } ORACLE: "ENOUGH, worm! Take a look at this question..." } } ZADOC: [Looks at the screen, being careful not to gaze at the } Oracle, even in the reflection off the glass of the CRT. The somewhat } contradictory effort produces a facial tic that, if hitched to a blade, } would make a dandy drive for an electric shaver. After reading the } question, he backs away almost as fast as he came in, crossing himself } and muttering benedictions in Swahili]. } } ORACLE: "Oh, chill out! Just tell me what this one did wrong." } } ZADOC: "Master! That... that... collection of synthetic crocodile snot, } daring to call itself a supplicant... he STOLE YOUR PUNCHLINE!!" } } ORACLE: "And...?" } } ZADOC: [His adam's apple bobs, and a feverish gleam comes into } his eyes]. "Master... no grovel!" } } ORACLE: "Right on both counts! And he wants to know how a ventriloquist } throws his voice? Well, I think we can arrange that!" } } [Zadoc, his eyes widening in anticipation of what's coming, gets } clear of the Big Green Circle with Target Crosshairs engraved on the } floor, his knees miraculously propelling him backwards this time. } As for the Oracle, he grabs a large tennis racket in one hand, } and the Staff of ZOT! in the other, raises them both high overhead, } lifts his head skyward, and bellows...] } } "BY THE POWER OF THE ALMIGHTY DONUT SEED... I COMMAND YOU TO APPEAR!!" } } [One brilliant flash of green light, and a big cloud of even greener } smoke later, you find yourself standing dead center in the middle } of that target circle, dressed in nothing but your bathrobe and } Bill-the-Cat undershorts. You aren't alone either. Besides the Oracle } and Zadoc's cowering form, Paul Winchell appears, neatly dressed in } tux and tails.] } } PW: [blinks] "How did I...?" [looks around] "Oh! Hi, Orrie!" } } ORACLE: "Hi, Paul. Just come from a show?" } } PW: "Yes indeed. Brought the house down. Fortunately, most of the } audience got out unscathed. I kept warning Madison Square management } about those roof supports, but no, they wouldn't listen..." } } ORACLE: "Yes, I'm sure it was very frustrating. Paul, I'm sorry to } rush, but do you remember that neat little trick I showed you all } those years ago?" } } PW: [with a wicked gryn] "How could I have become so famous without it? } I still can't thank you enough..." } } ORACLE: [waving a hand] "No problem at all. What we have here, } though, is a supplicant ... and I use the term loosely ... who not } only didn't grovel..." } } ZADOC: [growls incoherently] } } ORACLE: "...but also stole my punchline. You being the world's greatest } ventriloquist, I was hoping that you could show the worthless pile } of... what was it, Zadoc?" } } [The reply comes, apparently, from Zadoc's mouth, but it's another } voice altogether] "All-natural rotting rhino intestines?" } } ORACLE: "Good enough. Anyway, you can see the question for yourself } on the screen. Maestro Winchell, would you care to demonstrate exactly } HOW you throw a voice?" } } [Winchell's gryn gets even wider. In three quick strides, he's in YOUR } face, supplicant, reaching his hand towards your throat. The effects of } the Mighty Circle of Fate keep you from moving a muscle as a diffuse } blue glow surrounds your throat and Winchell's hand. In the midst of } this glow, a bright yellow blob detaches itself from your throat with } a sensation like someone just extracted a cork from your adam's apple.] } } PW: [The yellow blob expands as Winchell backs away, cackling happily, } until it's about the size of a volleyball.] "Ready, Orrie!" } } ORACLE: [Throwing off his robes to reveal a body that would make Kevin } Sorbo jealous, clad in a tight pair of Royal blue Speedos]. "Right! } Game starts in five minutes on the beach!" } } ZADOC: [Still groveling in the corner] "Master, I beg of you! Let the } priesthood play? We've been sooooo very devout of late..." } } PW: [Who, somehow, has managed to change into beachwear himself][Cups } the glowing yellow blob in one hand, and looks at the Oracle for } approval. Upon receiving a nod, he yells] "SERVICE!" [and whops it, } volleyball style, towards Zadoc]. } } ZADOC: [Yelps with joy as his knees go into a Road-Runner-like blur } of motion, complete with Warner Bros. sound effects. He zips under } the glob and double-hand whops it towards the door where the rest of } the priesthood is already gathering]. } } [As they all head outside, a startled voice -- yours, supplicant -- } can be heard issuing from the glob as it gets whopped, spiked, and } otherwise flung overhand, underhand, sidewise-hand, and any other } hand you can think of]. } } "Hey, what do you think you're... OW! Hey, come on, it was just } a YOWP!" } } [...as your body gets released from the grep of the Oracular Circle of } Fate, and you pursue the missing part of yourself outside, you have } to wonder if you can insinuate yourself into the game long enough to } get your voice back...] } } You owe the Oracle a set of earplugs. --- 1194-07 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Alyce M. Wilson" The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > So Oracle, > > How 'bout you and I head out for a beer or two tonight? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Well, let me see. Hmmm... } } > What are you doing? } } Using my powers of omniscience to see what will happen if I take you } up on your offer. Ah, here we are. I see us having a couple of beers, } playing some darts, eating some pickled onions, then a couple more } beers. Then we make some jokes at the expense of the rednecks in the } booth next to ours, which at the time seem hilariously funny to us, but } are not appreciated by the target audience. In the ensuing brawl, one } of them breaks a bottle over your head before we're thrown out. We } visit A&E to have some stitches put in your scalp, then off to another } bar for a few more beers. You tell me I'm your besht friend and I } agree. To prevent things from getting maudlin, we make lewd suggestions } to the barmaid and get thrown out. We then go to a curry house and yell } "Hit us with a hot one, Gupta!" at the waiter, who doesn't appreciate } the joke. In the ensuing brawl, you throw up over the waiter and he } breaks a plate of chicken tikka massala with a side order of onion } bhajees over your head before we're thrown out. After another visit to } A&E and a few more beers, we pick up a couple of tarts. Unfortunately, } the beers have taken their toll by now and, since neither of us can } rise to the occasion, we demand our money back. In the ensuing brawl, I } throw up over one of the tarts and the other inserts a stiletto heel } into your left nostril. Another visit to A&E. The junior doctor } treating you makes some crack about offering us air miles, which } doesn't strike us as at all funny. In the ensuing brawl, we lay out } said junior doctor, three nurses and two hospital porters before the } police arrive. We spend the remainder of the night in a cell, yelling } "What does a fella have to do to get a drink around here?" at the } custody sergeant, who doesn't appreciate the joke. } } > Sounds like the recipe for a perfect evening. What're we waiting for? } } I'll fetch my coat. --- 1194-08 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Dave Hemming The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oracle, you big loser ... > > How can Santa Claus deliver presents to millions of children in one > night? > > Even given 36 hours (accounting for different time zones), that would > only give 129600 seconds! And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Wow! I'm rarely surprised by a supplicant, but you sure surprised me! } How did you know that I'm the head of the Laser, Orbital division of } the Society of Engineering with a Reason? It's supposed to be a secret! } } Anyway, to your question... First, only people that believe in Santa } get stuff from Santa. If you think about it, that's not really very } many people. Second, Santa is one of the biggest customers of the SER. } His 'bad' list is given to the LOSER division, who then blast the sugar } plums out of the brains of the bad people. Since the set off people who } 1) believe in Santa, 2) are bad, and 3) dream of sugar plums is really } small, that task generally takes just a few minutes. } } He is also a customer of the Presents, Orbiting division of the SER. } They have low flying satellites that have a gift synthesis machine, } gift wrapping machine, parachute fitting machine, and chimney targeting } computer. All Santa has to do is give us the names of the 'good' } people. We then find their current coordinates, and target the next } passing POSER satellite at their chimney. } } Of course, you think this is all bull. It isn't, though. The 'jingle } bells' sound commonly attributed to Santa and his reindeer is actually } the sound of the parachute disintegrating when the gift is at the } proper altitude to drop it unscathed into the proper place. The } wrapping paper, using SER AI, then guides the present's trajectory } through the fireplace and under the tree, wherever that may be. It is } also flameproof, of course. } } You may also be wondering what we charge Santa for all these time } saving inventions. It obviously wouldn't be in the spirit of Christmas } to charge Santa for anything, so we do it all for free. } } Of course, the SER controls the consumer market, so parents trying to } be like Santa make us much more than Santa ever could. But it's the } thought that counts, right? } } You owe the Oracle some outrageous credit card bills. Tis the season } for commercialism, isn't it? --- 1194-09 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: MVSOPEN@aol.com The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > What's this WAP-thing people keeps talking about? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } An unusual thing happened to me today. } } I sat down at my desk this morning, like I do most mornings, and } started flipping through the list of questions from supplicants. } Rather dull list. Things like "what is the meaning of life", and } "what would happen if an irresistable force encountered an immovable } object", and "what kind of cheese goes best with goat's blood". The } usual questions. I'd answered them hundreds of times before, in } thousands of different forms. But then, as I scanned the papers, one } question in particular caught my eye. I drew it out of the stack and } pondered it for a moment. } } "What's this WAP-thing people keeps talking about?" } } I couldn't figure out at first what was different about this question. } It looked just like any other question. Yet my mind kept insisting } that there was something unusual here -- something so simple, yet so } staggering, that even I, the great Internet Oracle, couldn't } manage to grasp it. Then, it hit me. } } This question had no grovel. } } I sat back, astounded. The idea that a supplicant -- a mere mortal -- } a measly HUMAN -- had dared to question the great Oracle without even } the merest hint of a grovel was difficult to imagine. (And I can } imagine an awful lot. For example, there was that time in Vegas when } I imagined I won 37 consecutive hands of blackjack and met up with } these two gorgeous girls that I ended up taking back to my room where } we somehow obtained an accordian and a few radishes and started to -- } wait, best not to go into that right now.) Anyway, I had to do } something about that question. } } I have a system that I use when answering questions. Basically, the } more the questioner grovels, the better the answer. Several pages of } grovelling will get you deep cosmic truth -- the kinds of insight that } can shake the world and make people bow down and worship you. A few } paragraphs will get you more wisdom than you're likely to hear in an } average lifetime. A sentence or three of grovelling will get a pretty } good, if somewhat uninspired, answer. Just a few words, and I might } start throwing in some misinformation. But ask a question with NO } GROVEL WHATSOEVER, and I'll have no choice but to answer with outright } lies -- and that's if I don't decide to vaporize you for your } insolence. This question is clearly the last type, so here goes. } } WAP is an evil conspiracy originally conceived by eyedrop } manufacturers. Back in the 70's and 80's, computer monitors were } clunky, monochrome, low-res monstrosities. You had green-on-black } text, and that was it. Very hard on the eyes. This resulted in an } increase in the demand for eyedrops. But then, monitors started } improving. One color gave way to four, then sixteen, then 256. The } old 80x25 terminals were replaced by 640x480 color displays. } Eyestrain started dropping. But it was still high enough that the } eyedrop companies weren't worried. But in the 90's, things started to } get really bad. Monitors became capable of millions of colors at } photo-quality resolutions. For the first time, people could use } computers without straining their eyes. Eyedrop sales plummetted, and } eyedrop manufacturers started fearing for their very survival. } Something had to be done. } } One day, a young eyedrop executive was pondering the problem when an } idea occurred to him. Sales had been great back when monitors were } low-res monochrome displays. What if people could be persuaded to go } back to using such displays to surf the web? He knew there was no way } the monitor manufacturers could be persuaded to turn back the clock. } Something else was needed. Gazing across his desk, his eyes fell on } the cell phone lying there, its small display facing the ceiling. Of } course! A phone's display is small, monochrome, } low-resolution... perfect! The executive proposed his idea to the } board of directors, who proceeded to laugh him out of the company. } After all, no one could be crazy enough to use a *phone* to browse the } Internet! But as sales continued to dwindle, the idea started to seem } less and less crazy. People do a lot of stupid things, after all. } Maybe, with a lot of persuasion, they could be convinced that } Internet-enabled phones were a good idea after all... } } The eyedrop executives arranged a secret meeting with several major } mobile phone manufacturers. They pitched their web-enabled phone } idea, and were of course laughed out of the building. But they kept } trying, and eventually one of the mobile phone executives was able to } stop laughing long enough to agree to try out the idea. To his } surprise, it turned out to be wildly popular. The mobile phone } companies, always on the lookout for new ways to make a buck, started } hyping Internet-enabled phones like there was no tomorrow. But in } order for sales to be really effective, they needed more than a } ridiculous product. They needed a ridiculous acronym to go with it. } The engineers who worked on the Internet-enabled phone referred to it } as a "worthless, asinine parody" of a real computer, so in a fit of } inspiration, the sales force seized that phrase and started referring } to "WAP" right and left. The new acronym worked. Phone sales } skyrocketed, and the tiny screens drove the demand for eyedrops } through the roof. Thus, one executive's worthless idea turned out to } be the savior of the entire eyedrop industry. } } You owe the Oracle a Web-enabled toaster, and another bottle of } Visine. (And a better grovel for next time.) --- 1194-10 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Joshua R. Poulson" The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Eh? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Great, now even the Canadians are asking null questions.