From oracle-admin@cs.indiana.edu Wed May 3 16:14:55 2000 Received: (from daemon@localhost) by moose.cs.indiana.edu (8.9.3/8.9.3/IUCS_2.29) id PAA23548; Wed, 3 May 2000 15:51:11 -0500 (EST) Date: Wed, 3 May 2000 15:51:11 -0500 (EST) From: Internet Oracle Message-Id: <200005032051.PAA23548@moose.cs.indiana.edu> To: oracle-list@cs.indiana.edu Subject: Internet Oracularities #1163 Reply-To: oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu X-Face: )/f9dPAX/dU$1Z!U(/?A PiIJvIOtcN@L.>6,2OKd."T#S7b*{feRf.Kns23^P9.Ak{GdWWv]0*1E}RJ)_idU:(5VkN*_+bB kyrnLfC12B>V/q=z32:05`EcAd.!z#3k]h)O!ZU^E"f`@),(2WT X-Planation: X-Face can be viewed with ftp.cs.indiana.edu:/pub/faces. === 1163 ================================================================= Title: Internet Oracularities #1163 Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler Date: Wed, 3 May 2000 15:51:11 -0500 (EST) To find out all about the Internet Oracle (TM), including how to participate, send mail to oracle@cs.indiana.edu with the word "help" in the subject line. ("Internet Oracle" is a trademark of Stephen B Kinzler.) Let us know what you like! Send your ratings of these 10 Oracularities on an integer scale of 1 ("very poor") to 5 ("very good") with the volume number to oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu (probably just reply to this message). For example: 1163 2 1 3 4 3 5 3 3 4 1 1158 70 votes coq44 aejgb 9ul73 2arn8 2eohd 6hqf6 ohm52 78dll 9hejb 8epj4 1158 3.0 mean 2.5 3.1 2.5 3.4 3.4 3.0 2.2 3.6 3.1 3.0 --- 1163-01 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Paul L. Kelly" The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Slash is the dot, is the slash, is the dot... And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } You need a ring or other item of see invisible. Then you won't have to } slash randomly at the dots marking the floor. } } You owe the oracle a spot on the nethack developers team. --- 1163-02 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Paul L. Kelly" The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > "Drop the bucket!" she shrieked. > > "No sir, I won't sir." Before Mr. Macabra could say another word I > lept oh-so-nimbly over the buffet which seperated us. "Now, where are > your pretty words now?" And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } "Pretty words? The time for words is past.." } "Eat turkey!!" he roared, hurling a huge hunk of meat at my head. } } The fowl flew past my ears, lightly seasoning them, but at least I had } kept the precious bucket balanced. } Leaping onto the hors d' oeuvres , I tossed my readied eggplants where I } knew they would be nasty. } } "Arrgh. Hkkk!!" He choked, and collapsed, eyes bulging, to the ballroom } floor. } } The waiter, whose arm was supporting the tray on which was balanced a } mess of crumpled hors d' oeuvres and myself, started to wobble. } Before I knew it I was thrown to the floor and completely failed to miss } it. } } When I came to, she stood alluringly over me. Holding the bucket } carelessly in her slender hand, she breathed, } "You throw a mean aubergine." } "Would you expect otherwise, sir?" I grinned. } "Don't call me sir. You know, I didn't think you'd make it without } dropping the bucket." } } As I brushed shrimp and biscuits of my suit, I realised how close it } had been. One false move and we all would have had it. Most would } have preferred to drop the bucket and beat a hasty retreat. Not I. } As an agent I'd balanced harder things on my noggin, and not made } of plastic either. I nibbled absently on a cucumber and regarded my } superior officer confidently. "I've got a flat head." } } Z. } You owe the Oracle a decent plot of intrigue and the question to life, } the universe, and everything. --- 1163-03 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Mike Nolan The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Brilliant but mentally disturbed physicist Nicholi Tesla? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Brilliant but mentally disturbed physicist Nicholi Tesla was played by } Petar Bozovic in "The Secret Life of Nikola Tesla" which also starred } Orson Welles. Who was in "Catch 22" with Bob Newhart. Who was in "In } & Out" with Matt Dillon. Who was in "Wild Things" with } KEVIN BACON. Ha! Did it in four! } } Your turn. Oracle priest Tim Chew... --- 1163-04 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Mike Nolan The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > I can't seem to loose enough weight, I lift and lift and diet and diet. > Alas nothing helps. Can you tell what you see in my future? Will I be > happy? Skinny? Built like a Mack truck? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } I do not normally tell fortunes, but just this once... } } Here, give me your hand. } } Hmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm... } } Yes. I see; very in-teresting... } } Huh? No, actually; I was trying to memorize your fingerprints. Did } you know that if you convert them into hexadecimal co-ordinates, and } then-- } } Oh, all right. No, no, I don't think this is going to work very well } at all. Do you see this line here and this line here? They don't } meet! } Well, it's not bad, exactly, it's just inconvenient. You're not } compatible with most fortune tellers, is all, and I could end up giving } you an improper reading. That could really mess with your head. } } Here's some Tarot cards ... oh, no, wait, that's right, I'm missing a } good fourth of the deck. Well, some of the deities and I were playing } Go Fish the other night, and, well, we got into a bit of an argument, } and so now a lot of those cards _are_ fish, and -- it's just a long } story. } } Tea leaves? Sure, I think I have some ... no, no I don't. We were } drinking tea during the game, and I used the last fresh tea leaf I had } to make a new pot after the pitched battle. Nothing like discussing } problems over a cup piping hot tea! } } Astrology? Yeah, I guess, though I don't really go into all that } stuff. Kind of vague, really, but I guess I could give it a shot. } What sign are you? } } Oh no, really? Get away, get away! Don't you know? Our two signs } aren't supposed to _talk_, much less have an actual conversation! Go } away, quick, or both our lives will be doomed! Doomed! } } You owe the Oracle a less superstitious incarnation. --- 1163-05 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Leo L. Schwab" The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh great and might Oracle, who carries more in pocket change than most > mortals will earn in their lives, please tell me... > > You know how when you put on a coat after the summer or get out a pair > of shorts after the winter and you put 'em on and you invariably find > something you either forgot or never even knew you had lurking in the > pocket? Well, I was just wondering, what's the strangest thing you ever > found in your pocket? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Well, there was that kitten I was looking after for Dr. Schrodenger... --- 1163-06 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Dave Hemming The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > You have: K K > > The dealer is showing: A > > You have a count of +8 > > There are 283 cards remaining. > > Hit, stay, double, or split? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Stay } } > You stay with: K K } > } > Dealer hits } > } > Dealer is now showing A 3 } > } > It's a good thing you stayed! } > } > Hit, stay, double, or split? } } Stay } } > You have: K K } > } > The dealer is showing: A 3 } > } > Dealer hits } > } > Dealer is now showing: A 3 A } } Laugh } } > You laugh in the Dealer's face as you take your chips. } > } > The Dealer has pulled a gun. } } Duck } } > You duck as the Dealer fires. You feel a burning pain run along the } top of your shoulder, but you'll live. } } Inventory } } > You are carrying: } > $500 } > $1,000,000 in chips } > $0.34 in change } > a wallet } > a gun } > two clips of ammunition } > a clean pair of underwear } } Use gun } } > You go up to take a shot at the Dealer. You hear a , and the } Dealer raises his gun in your direction. } } Duck } } > You duck just as a bullet grazes the table. A man behind you dies, } and you nearly wet yourself. } } Load gun } } > You're so nervous it takes a while for you to put the clip in place. } The Dealer comes around the table, waving the gun wildly. } } Use gun } } > Hold on, I'm not ready yet. } > } > The Dealer sees you cowering under the table and raises the gun } again. } } Use gun } } > You fire, hitting the Dealer in the leg. He goes down, firing random } shots. } } Roll away } } > A bullet scratches your cheek as you roll away from the wounded man, } but you'll live. } } Use gun } } > What are you, some kind of animal? He's down for the count, let's } get out of here! } } Leave } } > Don't forget to cash your chips! } } You owe the Oracle some new casino software. This one's a bit too } realistic for my taste. --- 1163-07 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Mike Nolan The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Larry: Tonight, on Larry King Live, we're talking about H.P. > Lovecraft's latest book, "People I Admire". Joining us this evening are > the Internet Oracle, > > [Cut to a figure in flowing white robes] > > Oracle: Glad to be here, Larry. > > Larry: Vlad Tempes, > > [Cut to an odd looking Hungarian man, dressed as if this were still the > 15th century] > > Vlad: [Unintelligible Hungarian] > > Larry: by satellite, Duke Nukem, > > [Cut to an over-muscular man smoking a rather large cigar. Judging by > the background, it is fairly clear that Duke is *on* a satellite, not > just transmitting via one.] > > Duke: Who loves ya, baby? > > Larry: And, of course, in Boston, H.P. Lovecraft. > > [Cut to a rather stark looking man, dressed rather oddly.] > > Lovecraft: [Unintelligible], and glad to be here. > ... And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Larry: But first a word from our sponsor... } } [ A shiny white truck pulls up to a suburban home. A housewife } in a terry clothe robe is in the front yard. On the side } of the truck it says, Queue-O-Rooter.] } } Lady: I thought you'd never get here! My queue is clogged } with boring constantly resubmitted cowbird questions! } } Dude: Let's see what ya got. } } [ Dude goes into the home. They go to a smoldering computer } that is bulging at the seams in comic book fashion. ] } } Dude: Wow, lady, that's one clogged queue. } } [ He reaches in and pulls out a cowbird question. ] } } > Hi, Orrie, it me, Arthur Supplicant- } > } > (Look, how many times must I tell you, I didn't order that, so I'm } > not accepting delivery.) } > } > Look, I'll be brief, there's some guys at my door, saying I ordered } > 200 unsorted marmots and 3000 pounds of wood. I did not order any of } > this stuff, and they say it's COD, so I'm not exactly eager to } > accept them. } > } > (*Go Away*! Stop bothering me!) } > } > They're on my doorstop now, and I can't get rid of them. Orrie, } > how do I get out of this mess? } } Dude: If I had a dollar for each time I've seen this one! Let me } tell ya! } } > ORACLE, MOST RIGHTEOUS! WHO CAN TAKE OUT WIMPY BANDS } > LIKE POISON IN HIS [censored] SLEEP! } > } > THEY SAY LISTENING TO THIS MUSIC "DAMAGES MY [censored] } > EARS"! WELL, THEY'RE WRONG, RIGHT, ORRIE, MY [censored] MAN! } } Dude: And this thing! Common as dirt and just as funny too. } } > Oh Oracle most wise, } > } > Why do hot dog buns come in packages of eight and hot dogs } > in packages of ten? } } Dude: That's yer standard garden variety Steve Wright joke. } } > Jerak, tonor, Erlaugh Oracle eraset eruset seraset erasot. } > } > Urasue Torvalds raedle taudle falaks terosope Microsoft mesetope } > dasedlao erd jarak erapoe maole CD-ROM deqase Windows asertoa } > cathared Linux moerte aselme edaoed? } } Dude: Yechh, and this thing. It's been around since the days } of the great crossover question plagues. It mutates a } bit, but it always gots that Linux CD reference in it. } } [ Later... the computer is all back to normal ] } } Dude: There ya go! } } Lady: Thank you Queue-O-Rooter! } } SINGING FEMALE VOICES: Call Queue-O-Rooter, don't go insane, } Away go cowbirds, Down with those banes! } } MALE VOICE OVER: Call now, operators are standing by! --- 1163-08 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Tim Chew" The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > [8][0][0][o] > [0][@][0][0] > [0][0][o][8] > [@][ ][0][0] > [8][o][@][0] > [0][0][0][0] And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } HOI, ZADOC! } } I came running. Don't I always? And yet you wouldn't know it, the way } my master calls out in that deafening voice you can hear clear across } the temple as clearly as if he had screamed in your ear -- a pleasure I } have had many a time. I could only hope this wasn't about ... } } But there was no time for wishes and dreams; my hierarch had called. I } burst open the doors of the Throne Room, adjusting in mid-jump so that } I may land upon my knees in his presence at all times. Calling upon } years of dedicated service, not to mention the memory of a few broken } bones, I was able to skip across the tiles much as a stone on the } surface of a calm lake, and skid to a stop just before I reached the } Great One's feet. } } "Yes, most Honorably Sagacious One," I intoned as I bowed low before } him; a difficult trick when you're already on both knees, but, again, } practice. } } "Zadoc, what is THIS?" he boomed, and I could tell it was time for } testing once again. I never knew when or where, but I have learned to } dread these moments, for-- } } "Zadoc, stop your sniveling little narration and tell me what you } see!" } } "A ... a box of chocolates, my most Cocoa-Loving One." I knew this was } not enough, so I added, "A full one, from the looks of it." } } "Was it delivered by the same supplicant as the empty boxes?" } } "I would hardly assume to know such things, oh Infinite-in-Knowledge; } surely you could tell far better than I." Just to be on the safe side, } I dared to slip in, "Is this not what you had asked for--" } } I never got to finish my sentence, for before I knew it, I had } chocolate in my mouth. Oh, the taste! The ecstasy! The delight! } Never have I known its equal! For all my years of service, I had dined } on nothing more than mere table scraps from my master's luxurious } dinners with Lisa, or, more often, nothing at all. But this! This was } almost too much! } } Too much. Too much chocolate - - into my mouth was soon stuffed every } single piece. Almonds, pecans, caramel, and a hundred other flavors } assaulted me, leaped out of the box and made its way into my mouth. I } attempted to chew, tried to swallow, but I was making very little } progress. I could feel my teeth begin to rot away. I gave my Master a } questioning glance. } } "Do you remember," grimaced the Oracle, "my instructions to the } supplicant the last time an empty box was delivered here?" I could } only nod, my cheeks puffed. "I had asked that they leave me alone. } Apparently someone is trying to get on my good graces. By bribing me. } To prevent ... a zotting." } } Without thinking, I attempted to gasp, but had completely forgotten } about the chocolate and began to choke. Black and brown goo began to } ooze out of my mouth, and soon I had to release it all upon the tile. } As I was hacking and trying to get a good breath of air, my } ever-complacent master was still ruminating: "I do not like being } bribed, Zadoc, especially in low-form currency like chocolate. A good } gift, but too little too late. If this supplicant comes back ... you } know what to do." } } I managed a feeble nod, and motioned for one of the guards to clean up } the mess while two more helped me out the door. } } In other words, supplicant, I don't _have_ to tell the Oracle you've } been here. It can just be our little secret. } } In return, though, you owe me some more of that delicious chocolate. --- 1163-09 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Tim Chew" The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oracle, most wise, who has better spies the Harry Knowles... > > What's your opinion of the script for the proposed "Indiana Jones and > the Call of Cthulu" movie? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } In a word, unfortunate. The damn thing will never see production in } its current form, as it interferes with the established Indiana Jones } chronology. Have a look at the opening "teaser" sequence, which was } meant to run before the main title: } } EXT. ISLAND, DAY-- } Paramount logo FADES into a view of a rocky peak. The sky is gray, full } of scudding clouds. Camera PANS DOWN to reveal an island coastline, } beaten by waves. } } TITLE: } MAINE, 1921 } } An old, beat-up FISHING BOAT pulls into view. CUT to-- } } EXT. DOCK, DAY-- } A very dilapidated dock. Boards, cleats etc. are in disrepair, but } more from age and neglect than from wear (not many people want to put } in here). The FISHING BOAT pulls up close to the dock but does not tie } up. Nobody is around, and nobody is seen on the boat. } } A well-worn PACK is tossed from the boat to the dock. A moment later, a } young man (INDY, in his early 20's) leaps after it. He NEARLY LOSES } HIS BALANCE on the dock, as the BOAT BEGINS PULLING AWAY almost before } he has left it. } } INDY: } Hey! } } INDY'S POV-- } The BOAT is receding in the distance. } } INDY: } Great. Left before I could } arrange for a pickup. Now how } am I gonna leave when I'm done? } } CUT to-- } } INT. KITCHEN, NIGHT (OPENING CREDITS UNDER)-- } INDY is eating supper (a thin, fishy stew of some sort) in the kitchen } of a local cottage, with a shriveled elderly FISHERMAN and his WIFE. } The only light comes from the cast-iron stove and a single kerosene } lantern. Spooky shadows dance on the walls. The LOCALS cast an } occasional suspicious glance at INDY but otherwise ignore him and each } other. } } INDY: } I'm grateful for your hospitality, } of course. I hope the terms are } acceptable--I'm willing to pay up } front, if you'd like. } } The FISHERMAN grunts--or maybe he's just reacting to a bit of gristle } in the stew. The silence drags. } } INDY: } (uncomfortable with the long silence) } Er...I'm a grad student in archaeology. } I'm doing a research project on the old } native statues; that's why I wanted to } stay here. } } The LOCALS suddenly both stare at him sharply. The WIFE rises and } EXITS immediately. } } INDY: } I've only seen fragments of the } statues, of course. I reckoned } I might uncover some more complete } pieces if I actually came to the } island. } } FISHERMAN: } Eyah. I reckon you might, at that. } } OFF FISHERMAN'S EXPRESSION-- } CUT TO-- } } INT. BEDROOM, NIGHT } INDY is in a bed that's a bit too small for him, getting readdy for } sleep. He leafs through his JOURNAL, filled with SKETCHES of the } fragmentary statues. Then he PUTS the journal under his pillow, BLOWS } OUT a kerosene lamp and settles in. } } A NOISE of stone moving against stone (SFX) is briefly, softly heard. } } INDY reacts, sits up in bed. Except for jacket and hat, he is almost } FULLY DRESSED. } } The NOISE is repeated. INDY gets out of bed. CUT TO-- } } EXT. COTTAGE, NIGHT } INDY, dressed as in last scene (boots on, but untied) and carrying the } re-lit lantern, is sneaking around the cottage in search of the noise. } } INDY'S POV-- } A faint, yellow LIGHT is coming from the ROOT CELLAR. Indy ENTERS to } investigate. } } INT. ROOT CELLAR, NIGHT } A normal root cellar, small, cramped, full of stuff. But yellow LIGHT } is shining from a floor-level CRACK in the back wall. } } INDY feels along the back wall, pries at the crack, etc. At last he } MOVES A JAR on a shelf. The BACK WALL SWINGS away and up (same SFX, } but louder now) to reveal a stone PASSAGEWAY lit by the eerie yellow } LIGHT. } } INT. PASSAGEWAY, NIGHT (jumping occasionally to INDY'S POV) } Indy steps into the passageway, and the WALL SWINGS back into place } (SFX). He PROCEEDS down the sloping passageway, encountering several } man-size STATUES of similar design to his journal sketches. After a } while, a sound of many voices CHANTING is heard, and gradually the } words (such as they are) become distinguishable, if not intelligible. } } CHANT: } Ia! Ia Nyarlathotep! [etc.] } } INDY rounds a bend in the passageway, and comes upon a CAVERN. } } INT. CAVERN, NIGHT (INDY'S POV) } The CHANTING is very loud indeed now. A quick glimpse of about a dozen } LOCALS, naked and draped in seaweed, is suddenly obscured by a large, } shapeless MASS which LOOMS up over Indy. } } OFF INDY'S REACTION-- } } The MASS POUNCES (oozes? collapses?) over INDY before he's halfway } turned to run. } } Quick FADE TO BLACK, ROLL MAIN TITLE } } The remainder of the film mainly consists of an eldritch, undead Indy } shambling around trying to bring about the end of humanity's dominion } on earth. The marketing and licensing wonks at Paramount threw a fit. } The script is currently in extensive rewrite, and there's no chance of } it going into production before November 2001. With luck, it might be } ready for release in summer 2003, but the smart money says it'll be } held up until 2004 at least. } } You owe the Oracle a DVD of "The Thin Man Meets the Terminator". --- 1163-10 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Mike Nolan The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Wise Oracle most indirect and free-and-easy, ye who can read > between the lines of TV news broadcasts and proclamations > from The Queen Mother with equal ease, > > What can the world learn from the Elian Gonzalez debacle? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } TOP TEN THINGS WE LEARNED FROM THAT WHOLE ELIAN GONZALEZ MESS } } 10. Full, unkempt beards and khakis went out of style in the seventies. } } 9. Elian spelled backwards in Naile. } } 8. They obviously have an alternate Disney World that they keep nearby } for foreign dignitaries and Cuban refugees cause that ain't the Disney } World I went to, Chester. } } 7. Dolphins are our friends--that is, when they're not our tuna fish. } } 6. A million dollars to sleep with Marisleysis? How about fifty bucks } and a carton of Marlboro's. } } 5. Strange disappearence of Elian eventually attributed to Monica } Lewinsky going off her diet. } } 4. Actually on a secret mission to lure Braves pitcher John Rocker to } his Havana Cigars Little League team. } } 3. Those guys that did that episode of South Park in four days? They } rock! } } 2. Fisherman who rescued Elian new host of Bassmasters next season. } } 1. Britney Spears has named her left breast after Elian; right breast } advertising rates to be determined during May sweeps. } } You owe the Oracle the top ten things we learned from this top ten } list.