From oracle-admin@cs.indiana.edu Thu Apr 6 08:54:51 2000 Received: (from daemon@localhost) by moose.cs.indiana.edu (8.9.3/8.9.3/IUCS_2.29) id IAA16346; Thu, 6 Apr 2000 08:26:25 -0500 (EST) Date: Thu, 6 Apr 2000 08:26:25 -0500 (EST) From: Internet Oracle Message-Id: <200004061326.IAA16346@moose.cs.indiana.edu> To: oracle-list@cs.indiana.edu Subject: Internet Oracularities #1158 Reply-To: oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu X-Face: )/f9dPAX/dU$1Z!U(/?A PiIJvIOtcN@L.>6,2OKd."T#S7b*{feRf.Kns23^P9.Ak{GdWWv]0*1E}RJ)_idU:(5VkN*_+bB kyrnLfC12B>V/q=z32:05`EcAd.!z#3k]h)O!ZU^E"f`@),(2WT X-Planation: X-Face can be viewed with ftp.cs.indiana.edu:/pub/faces. === 1158 ================================================================= Title: Internet Oracularities #1158 Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler Date: Thu, 6 Apr 2000 08:26:25 -0500 (EST) To find out all about the Internet Oracle (TM), including how to participate, send mail to oracle@cs.indiana.edu with the word "help" in the subject line. ("Internet Oracle" is a trademark of Stephen B Kinzler.) Let us know what you like! Send your ratings of these 10 Oracularities on an integer scale of 1 ("very poor") to 5 ("very good") with the volume number to oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu (probably just reply to this message). For example: 1158 2 1 3 4 3 5 3 3 4 1 1153 66 votes 3gjia 4fjl7 4dnh9 5ilh5 4aAc4 1ijia 6gqd5 9cpd7 6hqc5 17rjc 1153 3.1 mean 3.2 3.2 3.2 3.0 3.0 3.3 2.9 3.0 2.9 3.5 --- 1158-01 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Joshua R. Poulson" The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Divine and kindly Oracle, > > Should we leave the chips where they fell? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } You most certainly should NOT! You clean up this mess right now or no } television for you for a week! --- 1158-02 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "BJ Backitis" The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh great and powerful Oracle... > > What is thy bidding, my master? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } NORTH } S- AKQ3 } H- A843 } D- 62 } C- 942 } } W S- 876 S- 5 E } E H- 9752 H- QJ106 A } S D- AKJ10 D- Q983 S } T C- 1085 C- AQ3 T } } SOUTH } S- J10942 } H- K } D- 754 } C- KJ76 } } N- 1 Spade } } You owe the Oracle a soda while you're up, we got } this one. --- 1158-03 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Tim Chew" The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > NULL QUESTION And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } NARRATOR: "In our last action-packed episode of 'NULL QUESTION--Private } Investigator' we found Null entering the army barracks to interrogate a } suspect in the disappearance of a Sergeant. We join that interrogation, } already in progress..." } } NULL: "You don't mind if I record this, do you?" } } PRIVATE: "Well, goooolllyy no, sir. I had me one of those tape machines } back in Mayberry, only it was a little bigger than that and it was from } Radio Shack and all, but I used sinnnggg into it all the time. I'd sing } "Green Green Grass of Home" and "Galveston" and one time I even sent a } tape of me singing to that actor fella Rock Hudson and he sent me back } a picture of hisself all naked and all with an invit----" } } NULL: "Actually, I was hoping you could tell me about your CO, Sergeant } Carter." } } PRIVATE: "Well, Shazam! That's a real shame about Sergeant Carter. I } can't imagine anyone wanting to hurt Sergeant Carter. He was such a big } ol' teddy bear. Even used to let me cuddl----" } } NULL: "So, you were close?" } } PRIVATE: "Gee whiz. Were we close? On Saturday nights we used to bathe } together and he used to scrub my back with----" } } NULL (grabbing the light bulb hanging from the roof of the barracks and } placing it uncomfortably close to Pyle's face): "Look, Pyle, you're a } suspect in the disappearance of Sergeant Carter. Are you gonna tell me } what you did with him or am I gonna have to sear it outta ya?" } } PRIVATE: "Well, goooolllyy. That smell reminds me of my summers in } Mayberry when the town would get together and slaughter a hog or two } and cook it up all nice over Farmer Ted's open pit. Mmmmm, makes me } hungry just thinkin' 'bout it." } } NULL (bitch-slaps Pyle until the tears begin to flow): "Who's your } daddy now, Moon Pi-- } } ANNOUNCER (breaking in): "We interrupt this broadcast to tell you, the } viewer, this rather poor excuse for a parody has become too much for } the censors to handle." } } CENSOR CYD: "I sat through 120 hours of 'Married With Children,' but } this is enough to drive me to cannibalism." } } CENSOR SALLY: "Complete and utter filth. There should be a law. Get me } a lawyer. Is Harry Hamlin available?" } } CENSOR MYSTPKQGYN: "This show just sounds like gibberish." } } ANNOUNCER: "So there you have it viewers. Nothing from nothing is } usually nothing but occasionally it's nothing important. You owe the } Oracle the transcript for the new FOX show, 'Malcolm Is The Mid-Season } Replacement.'" --- 1158-04 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Ross Clement The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oracle, mighty and puissant in power and knowledge, riddle me this: > > How does one become an Oracle? I have been reading up on career > choices, and recieved a brochure from this place calle "Mt. Olympus" > that invited me to consider enlisting as an Oracle. I wrote them, but > the admissions director, a Mr. Zeus, has yet to get back with me. > > Can you help me? > > Thank you ever so much; > > Milton P. Tallywhacker And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } You, Mr. Tallywhacker, have fallen for the 8th oldest con in the } book. The Ol' Message from Zeus to be [some kind of immortal] scam. } } Rest assured I've taken care of the matter, Zeus takes a dim view } of these kind of shenanigans. The person behind it is now seriously } dead. } } Milton, if you get an offer too good to be true, guess what?! It's } too good to be true! } } Think man! No one can just decide to *be* an Oracle, it's a calling. } A talent. A destiny. } } You owe the Oracle an attack goose and two peacocks. } =^==^==^==^==^==^==^==^==^==^==^==^==^==^==^==^==^==^==^==^==^==^= } } Addendum: } } The Nine Other Oldest Scams in The Book (plus the person who } tradition credits with its first usage): } } + AhhHHH! Look out behind you! [ Urgh, ~37000 BCE ] } } + I'll watch this chunk of meat cook, you go gather some } more wood. [ Thag, ~37000 BCE ] } } + I'll stay in the camp and pray to the gods for you guys' } victory against the large, angry, well-armed invaders } from the north. [ B' Obd Obbs the Shaman, 16000 BCE ] } } + Yes, I am pregnant. But it's the child of a god. I've not } been unfaithful to you! [ ubiquitous, from time of B' Obd } Obbs on to the present ] } } + No, no, no. You're not slaves. You are fulfilling the } wishes of The Gods! You'll be rewarded in the next life! } [ Santhor High Priest of Sin, ~5000 BCE ] } } + We wish to join our two peoples together! We will rule the } world! Send your king all alone to the old spooky cave } tommorrow night and we'll hammer out the details over } grog and fine food! [ Zargoon, ~2000 BCE ] } } + What? Don't let that slow you down, here, I'll lend you } all the gold you need, hmm, just, oh sign this here and } here and here. [ One Eyed Ulfga, ~1800 BCE ] } } + Here's a present. We give up. You're too powerful for } us. [ Achilles, ~1200 BCE ] } } + I'm seizing power to help the poor and the downtrodden. } [ Sulla, ~90 BCE ] --- 1158-05 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "BJ Backitis" The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh Oracle most wise, who can make perfect toast with a zot staff, > > Now that household appliances are speaking to us, each other, and to > Redmond, It appears just a matter of time until some get together to > form a dram company. > > The question is, what plays will they produce? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } A dram you say, as in an Avoirdupois weight, one sixteenth part } of an ounce, or 27.34375 grains to be precise. } } And you want some plays by appliance based on drams, hmm. } } Okay, here goes: } } + An Itty-Bitty Midsummer's Night Toaster } } + An Extremely Tiny Street Car Named Dryer } } + Death of a Barely Perceptible Salad Spinner } } + Refrigerating for a Diminutive Godot } } + Rosen-Coffee-Maker & Guilden-Microwave are Small, And Dead } } + A Microscopic Man for All Seasoning Racks } } + The Small Sized Jar of Miracle Whip(tm) Worker } } + A Lilliputian Cat on a Hot-Plate Roof } } There you go. The Oracle aims to please! No request too } oblique. } } You owe the Oracle a teensy-weensy box seat. --- 1158-06 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Joshua R. Poulson" The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > NULL QUESTION And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Suddenly, from out of nowhere, a large purplish brick shaped roughly in } the shape of a brick struck Henry, my faithful manservant for umpteen } years, squarely, or more precisely, rectangularly, in the head, killing } him immediately. Eyes toward the sky, I let out what could only be } described as a death wail, although the peasant who had been witness to } this described it more as a sneeze. "Things are not as they appear } here," stated the pretty dental assistant who had administered the } nitrous oxide from the elaborately-decorated steel canister. The bulge } in her trousers gave her away, as did her father once the wedding } procession began. } } "But," asked Thomas, the sidekick I had hired from an ad in the back of } a Rolling Stone magazine, "what does this have to do with the stated } question?" } } "I," replied I, "received a null and rebutted with nothing in return." } } "You," stated the incarnation, pausing for the sole purpose of drama } and because something landed in his eye making it difficult to type, } "owe the Oracle an infinite statement." --- 1158-07 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Lawrence, Mark" The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Under which king? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } What is the four-poster in the corner? --I'll take 'Places Zadoc Cowers } for $600, please, Alex.' --- 1158-08 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Paul L. Kelly" The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > hey oracle > > please write back to me and explain THE TELLING OF THINGS THAT ARE > STOOPID! > > i'm sick of it. And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } the oracle comes to my room the next day. he holds my note in his } hand. i thought he was gone for many days at the faraway villages by } the lake, telling the tales. i think he is angry with me. or else he } always writes to me back. he says it is good for me to read and write } always. this is the way i learn. } } "Rebellion in the ranks?" he asks in his strange way. } } "you said you will learn me tellings," i says. "many tales. all i } learn is THE TELLING OF THINGS THAT ARE STOOPID! i'm sick of it. it's } boring." } } the oracle thinks. "How to penetrate your vestigial intellect?" he } asks. but he asks himself, not me, so i say nothing. "Very well, I } shall set you a new task. Write down how you came to reside here with } me. It will be a new telling: THE TALE OF KEVN, THE APPRENTICE ORACLE! } This tale will explain THE TELLING OF THINGS THAT ARE STOOPID and, } hopefully, much else." } } so i write THE TALE OF KEVN. it is good. it is a tale about me. } maybe i'll tell it at many tellings when i'm oracle. } } i am kevn. i am from the village called stoneybridge, only the } stoney bridge isn't there anymore. it fell down before i was born. now } there is only a ferry run by josuf the ferryman and his son. } } the last winter is very hard. the food stores run out in early } march, and three children die. when the young men come back from the } far pastures, they say that many of the cows have died too, so the } elders say we can't have a feast. the young men get drunk and have } fights anyway. we are very sad and very hungry. but i am happy too, } because i will be a man this year, not a boy anymore, and i will go } with the young men to the far pastures in the fall. } } then april comes, and also the oracle, the teller of tales. he } comes to our village for some days. he always comes in the spring, and } it is a good time. all the people go after the last meal of the day to } the big hall built by the sons of mari, and we all listen to the } tellings. and the first telling is always THE TELLING OF THINGS THAT } ARE STOOPID. i hate it, but the old people say it is very important. } } the oracle begins, "I speak to you of THE THINGS THAT ARE STOOPID! } Remember them, so that you may not visit them upon your grandchildren } and your great-grandchildren. I speak to you of INCOME TAX, which takes } away that which you have earned by the sweat of your brow!" } } and the people sing, "it is STOOPID!" } } "I speak to you of ENVIRONMENTAL DESTRUCTION, which is responsible } for the unholy mess your world now finds itself in!" } } and the people sing, "it is STOOPID!" } } "I speak to you of FLARED PANTS, which make you look a complete } jerk!" } } "they are STOOPID!" } } and so it goes on until bedtime. it is boring. i want a PROPER } TALE. } } in the morning, before the sun goes up, i sneak out of bed and go } to the hut where the oracle stays when he is at our village. i want to } see if jenni is there. she says she only goes to take him food, but } everybody knows she stays all night. i want to see what they're doing. } i mean, i know what they do, but i haven't seen it. } } but jenni is not there. when i look in, the oracle sees me. } } "Something I can do for you, Boy?" he asks in his strange way. } } i think quick. "hey oracle, i come to ask," i says. "will you tell } a PROPER TALE tonight?" } } "You are not, I take it," he says, "an avid fan of THE TELLING OF } THINGS THAT ARE STOOPID. Care to elucidate?" } } "what?" says i. } } "Enumerate your objections. Why don't you like it?" } } "THE TELLING OF THINGS THAT ARE STOOPID is STOOPID!" says i clever } like. } } "A not unassailable but clearly sincerely held viewpoint," says the } oracle. "So you must be wondering why I kick off with it every year. } Why, indeed? You realize, of course, that people did not always live } the way you do now. Once they inhabited colossal cities, with houses } reaching to the skies. Their ships ploughed the ocean wave, their } majestic aircraft took hundreds of them at a time for a two-week } vacation in Hawaii, their roads criss-crossed..." } } "i know all this," says i. "grandma told me." } } "Try not to interrupt me whist I'm in full flow, Boy," says the } oracle. "It disturbs my equanimity. The point is, people had all these } marvellous things, but they also had a bevy of eminently stupid ones } like white supremacism, PCBs and daytime television. I have no doubt } that your civilization will rise again one day, and your descendants } will once again enjoy the benefits your ancestors did. I hope that, by } means of THE TELLING OF THINGS THAT ARE STOOPID, I can help them avoid } some of the idiocies that accompanied these benefits in the past. Do } you understand?" } } "no. will you tell a PROPER TALE tonight?" says i. } } the oracle sighs. "Look here, Boy..." he starts, but i says, "i'm } not a boy! i'm a man this fall. i will go with the herd to the far } pastures." } } "What a ravishing prospect for you, to be sure. Very well, then. } Tell me, my good man, what tale would you like to hear this evening? } RUMPELSTILTSKIN? MACBETH? OLIVER TWIST?" } } "SIR GAWAIN AND THE GREEN KNIGHT!" says i. } } "So be it..." } } "and then PULP FICTION!" } } "I imagine that too can be arranged," says the oracle. "As a matter } of idle curiosity, do you remember all my tales?" } } "i write them," says i proudly. "my grandma learned me." and, being } honest, i add, "a bit." } } he looks at me strange then. "My, my, a scholar," he says. "Tell } me, Boy - I mean - Man, have you considered alternate career options?" } } "what?" says i. } } "How would you like to become my apprentice, instead of just } another brain-dead cowherd picking his zits in the far pastures half } the year? The number of settlements in this catchment is increasing all } the time; I could do with some help getting round them all." } } i'm real excited. "i will tell the tales?" i asks. } } "Eventually. You'd have to learn them first. Be warned, young } fellow-me-lad, it'll be a hard slog. There are thousands." } } "thousands," i says. "is that many?" } } "Quite a few," he says. "Let's go and have a chat with your } guardian, shall we?" } } and so i come here, to the oracle's manse. i do the housework, i } practice to read and to write, and i learn THE TELLING OF THINGS THAT } ARE STOOPID. i already know THE TELLING OF THINGS THAT ARE STOOPID! i } want to learn new tellings! the thousands of tales that the oracle } promised me! } } when he reads THE TALE OF KEVN, the oracle says it is a "reasonable } approximation". then he asks, "Now do you understand the significance } of THE TELLING OF THINGS THAT ARE STOOPID? Those who do not learn from } history are condemned to repeat it. You see?" } } "no," says i. } } he sighs. "Ah well, perhaps in time... Okay, Kevn, you've been } working diligently, you deserve a treat. Tonight, you'll learn a new } tale." } } i'm real excited. "what's it called?" i asks. } } "TERMINATOR TWO. It's right down your alley - buckets of gore." } } i can't wait for tonight. --- 1158-09 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Dr. Noe The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > while (dead_horse) beat(); And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } And there we have it, rhod summarized in one succinct line. --- 1158-10 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Tim Chew" The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > I'll take "Places Zadoc Cowers In" for $400, please, Alex. And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } And the answer is : } } "Down the hall, } Descend some stairs } Into the dark, } Some vermin hairs!" } } > Uh... Where is the basement? } } Correct! Select again! } } >I'll take "Obscure Questions - -" } } **Beep**Beep**Beep** } } Oh, I'm sorry, that means we have to go into Final Jeopardy! We'll be } back after these messages for this topic : Divinations Unlimited. } We'll be back! } } **Buy our stuff, and you'll be cool** } } And welcome back to Jeopardy! The supplicants are ready, and they have } thirty seconds to come up with the question for this answer: "ZOT!" } } Boom-bum-bum-bum-boom-bum-boom } } Well, we're going to cut it short, 'cause I'm bored. Pens down, } everyone! Supplicant #1, what's your question? } } >How much wood can a wo - - } } **ZZZZZZZZZZOT!** } } Ooo, it looks like the Oracle's watching the program. Hello out there, } wherever you are! Enjoying yourself? Well, moving on : Supplicant } #2, what's your question? } } >No. } } I beg your pardon? } } >I won't show it to the cameras, 'cause I don't want to be zotted! } } Oh, just show it to me, then . . . let's see here . . . } } **ZZZZZZZZZZOT!** } } Whoops, looks like he forgot the Oracle's omnipotent, and can see even } without the cameras. Oh, that's too bad. Moving on, Supplicant #3! } What's your question? } } Supplicant #3? } } Hey, where'd he go? } } You owe the Oracle the location of Supplicant #3. I owe him a . . } . uh, a gift. Yeah, that's it. A gift.