From oracle-admin@cs.indiana.edu Wed Mar 1 17:44:55 2000 Received: (from daemon@localhost) by moose.cs.indiana.edu (8.9.3/8.9.3/IUCS_2.28) id RAA17635; Wed, 1 Mar 2000 17:19:32 -0500 (EST) Date: Wed, 1 Mar 2000 17:19:32 -0500 (EST) From: Internet Oracle Message-Id: <200003012219.RAA17635@moose.cs.indiana.edu> To: oracle-list@cs.indiana.edu Subject: Internet Oracularities #1152 Reply-To: oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu X-Face: )/f9dPAX/dU$1Z!U(/?A PiIJvIOtcN@L.>6,2OKd."T#S7b*{feRf.Kns23^P9.Ak{GdWWv]0*1E}RJ)_idU:(5VkN*_+bB kyrnLfC12B>V/q=z32:05`EcAd.!z#3k]h)O!ZU^E"f`@),(2WT X-Planation: X-Face can be viewed with ftp.cs.indiana.edu:/pub/faces. === 1152 ================================================================= Title: Internet Oracularities #1152 Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler Date: Wed, 1 Mar 2000 17:19:32 -0500 (EST) To find out all about the Internet Oracle (TM), including how to participate, send mail to oracle@cs.indiana.edu with the word "help" in the subject line. ("Internet Oracle" is a trademark of Stephen B Kinzler.) Let us know what you like! Send your ratings of these 10 Oracularities on an integer scale of 1 ("very poor") to 5 ("very good") with the volume number to oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu (probably just reply to this message). For example: 1152 2 1 3 4 3 5 3 3 4 1 1147 69 votes 5gqi4 9dlj7 7jmi3 8dkk8 3rma7 9lt64 9ov50 26htf 4gqg7 5flm6 1147 3.0 mean 3.0 3.0 2.9 3.1 2.9 2.6 2.5 3.7 3.1 3.1 --- 1152-01 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Michael A. Atkinson" The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Egor: "More questions for the master, yes, yes, more questions for the > master..." > > Oracle: "Er, Igor-" > > Egor: "That's Egor, master, yes, yes" > > Oracle: "Egor, then. Egor, I think that you're not quite suited for the > position of Oracular in-joke-" > > Egor: "Does the master want to whip me, chain me?" > > Oracle: "Er, no. I'd like you to leave." > > Egor: "Why does the master abandon his loyal Egor?" > > Oracle: "I really don't see how I can be abandoning you; I only met you > three minutes ago." > > Egor: "Does the master not like my hunch, my raving, my glass eye?" > > Oracle: "Er, no. And I'm the Oracle. Look, can you leave?" > > Egor: "If that is what the master wishes." > > Oracle: "It is." > > [Egor leaves. Zadoc enters.] > > Oracle: "Who's next?" And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Zadoc: Well, sir, my honored lord, there's Felicia the Flippant, Tommy } the Three-eyed all-man... } } Oracle: Enough! Zadoc, explain to me again why we need more } in-jokes... } } Zadoc: Why, you approved my vacation last week, m'lord. } } Oracle: Zadoc, as you well know, I am reincarnated every time someone } asks me a question. With infinite knowledge and wisdom, but not } infinite memory. So you'll excuse me if I say - - not to be mean, } mind, but to suggest the possibility - - that you saw your chance with } the last supplicant and slipped in my briefing this time that I } accepted your proposal for a vacation. } } Zadoc: } } Oracle: I beg your pardon. } } Zadoc: Oh, my most forgiving and awe-inspiringly gratuitous Lord, I } have not had a vacation in ages-- } } Oracle: Menservants usually don't... } } Zadoc: And I so wanted one, my - - } } ***ZOT*** } } Oracle: Damn. Now I really _do_ need a new in-joke. Bring in Felicia } the Flippant! --- 1152-02 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: krc@erythrea.wellesley.edu The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > I'm going in circles! > I'm going in circles! > I'm going in circles! > I'm going in circles! > I'm going in circles! > > I'm going in circles! > I'm going in circles! > I'm going in circles! > I'm going in circles! > I'm going in circles! > > Ha Ha! And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Ewwww, most of us don't care to know the last thoughts of feces. --- 1152-03 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Joshua R. Poulson" The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > If Evolution favors the strong and the smart shouldn't sooner or later > the explosion in USENET groups stop as a few more powerful groups > devour them? What groups will be left after the Great Shake Down? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Unfortunately, my crystal ball is a little fuzzy at the moment. (I } *told* Zadoc not to mess with things he doesn't understand, and now } there's a big crack down the middle of it. And my supplier has a } three-week backlog due to all the political analysts buying up supplies } for the U.S. presidential race. Sigh.) But I'll try to see what I can } see. } } The winners after the Great Shake Down will be the following groups: } (Note: Most of these are hierarchies right now, but after the Shake } Down, the Cabal will start with really large groups and let the } participants start subdividing them all over again.) } } * comp.os.ms-windows. Microsoft has already infiltrated everything } else in life; once they figure out that Usenet is where the *real* } power lies, they'll be all over it. } } * rec.arts.startrek. Star Trek can't be killed. NBC tried in the 60s. } Some say Paramount tried to kill it with Star Trek V. } But Trekkies will exist forever. } } * alt.sex. If there wasn't sex on Usenet, 90% of the traffic would } die. 'Nuf said. } } * clari.living.comics.foxtrot. In what other comic strip can you find } poetry like this: } "I think I shall never see } A poem as lovely as a binary tree ..." } FoxTrot will live on in the hearts of all hackers. (Unless Lisa } manages to infiltrate the Cabal, in which case it might end up } being clari.living.comics.forbetter which survives instead ...) } } * alt.swedish.chef.bork.bork.bork. Never underestimate the power of } someone you can't understand wielding a knife. That's how the } Great Shake Down will start ... } } * rec.pets.mice. No one will quite understand why this group suddenly } appears after the Shake Down. But strangely enough, it } becomes the most popular group of all. (Personally, I think the } mice know, but they're not telling.) } } * rec.humor.oracle. Of course. You think *I'd* allow it to die? } } There you have it ... the new "big 7" groups. } } You owe the Oracle two new clerks to field all of the "How do I } compose a SQL query" posts which will get directed at rec.humor.oracle } after the Shake Down ends. (Sigh. I can see it coming ...) --- 1152-04 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Joshua R. Poulson" The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh great and wonderful Oracle, bigger than any 16-wheeler ever, > > If I marry my girlfriend, will she still be my cousin? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Bill, listen up. You.are.still.married.to.Hillary. --- 1152-05 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Alyce M. Wilson" The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh great bastion of wisdom, oh fount of knowledge, oh grand and > wondrous Oracle, grant your humble servant this one request... > > Can you help me move next Saturday? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Uh, no, but if you eat lots of fiber on Friday it should help. --- 1152-06 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Leo L. Schwab" The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh wise and knowledgable Oracle, ever so in sync with the ways of the > feline, > > What would the world be like if there existed two species; humans and > cat-humanoids? Would catgirls look as cute in real life as they do in > anime? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } I think you misunderstood when your buddies told you that you } need to get a little pussy. } } You owe the Oracle a 'G' rating. --- 1152-07 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Forbes, Michael Scott (Scott)" The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oracle who hates jayhawks with a passion, > > How can I avoid the state of misery? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Stay quietly on the other side of the river in Illinoisy. --- 1152-08 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Mike Nolan The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh great and mighty oracle most wise, a question has perplexed me from > time untold, > > Is a zebra white with black stripes or black with white stripes?? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } It's a little-known fact that if you were to shave a zebra, not only } would you piss it off pretty well, but you would reveal (for the short } life-span you have left) the fact that the zebra's skin is striped as } well. No one knows why this is, however, seeing as how the only way a } zebra would lose its hair would be for some jerk to shave it off to see } what color its skin was, and the zebra would no doubt mule-kick the guy } before he got far enough to make all that much difference. } } You owe the Oracle a zebra-skin rug. Oh, all right, a _fake_ } zebra-skin rug, so we don't offend all the animal rights wakos out } there. --- 1152-09 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: MVSOPEN@aol.com The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh great and wonderous Oracle, who demands nothing less than > perfection, please tell me... > > With all the tributes people send to you, do you ever have supplicants > send you the wrong things? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Funny you asked, since I was just reviewing the tribute closet } inventory the other day. Apparently many supplicants are downright } illiterate. Just look at this list: } } A cartridge in a bare tree (okay, maybe this one was a joke) } Ten grams of Coca-Cola } Certificate for a free trip to Rome, Georgia } All the change from Donald Trump's sofa cushions } A rabbit's butt } A cracked pipe } The heart of a young boy (in a jar, unfortunately; supplicants are so } literal) } A bed from Hill Gates Retirement Home in West Palm Beach, FL } } And I can't count the truckloads of gravel delivered to the Temple. } } You owe the Oracle--oh, forget it. --- 1152-10 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: krc@erythrea.wellesley.edu The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > To the almighty oracle > What is the deal with chicks? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Same as with any other creature. One card each and if you lose your } place deal the next card to youself and then go backwards until all } the cards are dealt. } } You owe the Oracle a partner that uses the phony one club opening.