From oracle-admin@cs.indiana.edu Fri Feb 4 23:38:37 2000 Received: (from daemon@localhost) by moose.cs.indiana.edu (8.9.3/8.9.3/IUCS_2.28) id XAA18217; Fri, 4 Feb 2000 23:14:01 -0500 (EST) Date: Fri, 4 Feb 2000 23:14:01 -0500 (EST) From: Internet Oracle Message-Id: <200002050414.XAA18217@moose.cs.indiana.edu> To: oracle-list@cs.indiana.edu Subject: Internet Oracularities #1147 Reply-To: oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu X-Face: )/f9dPAX/dU$1Z!U(/?A PiIJvIOtcN@L.>6,2OKd."T#S7b*{feRf.Kns23^P9.Ak{GdWWv]0*1E}RJ)_idU:(5VkN*_+bB kyrnLfC12B>V/q=z32:05`EcAd.!z#3k]h)O!ZU^E"f`@),(2WT X-Planation: X-Face can be viewed with ftp.cs.indiana.edu:/pub/faces. === 1147 ================================================================= Title: Internet Oracularities #1147 Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler Date: Fri, 4 Feb 2000 23:14:01 -0500 (EST) To find out all about the Internet Oracle (TM), including how to participate, send mail to oracle@cs.indiana.edu with the word "help" in the subject line. ("Internet Oracle" is a trademark of Stephen B Kinzler.) Let us know what you like! Send your ratings of these 10 Oracularities on an integer scale of 1 ("very poor") to 5 ("very good") with the volume number to oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu (probably just reply to this message). For example: 1147 2 1 3 4 3 5 3 3 4 1 1142 66 votes bvg80 5hod7 lih82 goh54 4iji7 5euc5 4cho9 bxg15 36oo9 eiga8 1142 2.8 mean 2.3 3.0 2.3 2.3 3.1 3.0 3.3 2.3 3.5 2.7 --- 1147-01 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Tim Chew" The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh great and sportsmanlike Oracle, please tell me... > > I was thinking of going fishing with my nephew. I was wondering if you > could tell me if it would be better to fill his pockets with sinkers, > and run him like a spinner, or should I cover him with bobbers and sit > him on the surface like a fly? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Well, with sinkers you'll get a much more vigorous thrashing } motion, but it won't last very long. At least with bobbers you } can fish all day. } } You owe the Oracle a promise to take Lisa's mother with you too. } All the time asking when Lisa and I are getting married so she } can get some grandkids -- it's driving me nuts! You can use the } sinkers with her. --- 1147-02 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Otis Viles The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > By no means is this over, Oracle. And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } No... } } THIS } ORACLE } } *THAT* is this over Oracle. } } You owe the Oracle another one, this is fun. --- 1147-03 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Paul L. Kelly" The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > I see ma'am. Here let me modify the image a bit more... > > 'Oh! Oh! Stop there. That looks just like him! That's the > man who accosted me! I'd know him anywhere. It was horrid. > I'd just come out of the nursery...' > > Ma'am. You're saying this is an accurate representation > of the assailant. > > 'Oh yes, ever so much so.' > > Ma'am, this is a picture of a woodchuck, not a man. > > 'Oh no sir, it's the spiting image sir.' > > And this, this thing stole a tree from you? > > 'Yes! He took it. I'd just come out of the nursery > with it, a dwarf kumquat it was. And as I exited > the shop he took the tree from me and then flung > it all the way across the street and up on to a > roof. All the way across the street!' > > Thank you, ma'am. I'll have a sergeant drive you home. And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Hmmmm. . . let's see. . . should I answer with a Monty Python } pastiche--maybe a twist on the "Knights that say "Ni": } } [Scene: Well-manicured forest in England. Several knights of short } stature face several knights who are standing on stilts. Between the } two groups is a spindly tree in a plastic pot.] } } Tall knight: You call this a Shrubbery? It looks like a KUMQUAT!!! } } Nah. } } Maybe a long screed against supplicants who use the W-word } without asterisks? I could cut-and-paste one from almost any of the } Digests--heck, I could simply point the supplicant to that Digest's } URL: } } http://www.wmin.ac.uk/cgi-bin/oracle/d=515,q=7 } } Nah. } } Maybe, since the woman appears to have vision problems, I should } compare her to Mr. Magoo? } } [Leslie Nielsen's voice comes over the intercom:] } } "Ah, Orrie--you've done it again!" } } <*shudder*> Nah. } } Maybe I should dig out my Stan Freberg records and play up the } Dragnet motif: } } [Scene: typical municipal office. Two middle-aged men in rumpled } suits sit facing each other at a grey steel partners' desk] } } Frank: Sure is a strange case, Joe--kumquats and woodchucks. } } Joe: Um-hum. } } Frank: Y'know, the missus always fixes her woodchucks with cranberries, } not kumquats. Have you ever noticed that, Joe? } } Joe: Ever noticed what, Frank? } } Frank: How most folks serve their woodchucks with cranberries and } not kumquats? } } Joe: Um-hum. Kumquats. } } Frank: 'course, kumquats would make a fine relish with woodchucks, } but no one ever uses them--they use cranberries. } } Joe: Um-hum. Cranberries. } } Frank: You should come over next time she serves woodchuck. } } Joe: Um-hum. Well, I'll see. } } Frank: Y'know, if you want, when you come over, she could skip the } cranberries and make a kumquat relish. } } Joe: Um-hum. } } Frank: Love ta have ya, Joe. Even if it means givin' up cranberry } relish with my woodchuck Y'know, most people serve their woodchuck } with cranberry relish--they don't use kumquat relish. } } Joe: Um-hum. Let's not go through that again. } } Frank: Go through what again, Joe? } } Joe: How most folks use cranberry relish in place of kumquat relish. } } Frank: Oh,. . . you noticed that too, huh, Joe? } } Yep--that's the one I'll use. } } You owe the Oracle a mint copy of Freberg's "Green Chri$tma$" on a 45 } (that's a vinyl record, not a gun) --- 1147-04 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Ian Davis The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh Oracle most wise,how can i eat herring? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } With a herring aid of course. } } You owe the Oracle your sole. --- 1147-05 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Paul L. Kelly" The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Dear Oracle, > > The Internet Style Police wish to compliment you > on Internet Oracularities(TM) #1146-06 wherein > you correctly spell "Hamster", thereby educating > readers who incorrectly think there should be a > "p" in there somewhere. > > The Internet Style Police wish to censure you > on Internet Oracularities(TM) #1146-06 wherein > you incorrectly spell "pidgeon", thereby mis- > educating readers into thinking there should be > a "d" in there somewhere. > > The Internet Style Police deprecate the use of > a spoof URL in Internet Oracularities(TM) #1146-06 > (http://internet.oracle.kz/). The provision of > this address could have resulted in zillions of > your misguided followers simultaneously attempting > to access a non-existing site and initiating > meltdown of the 'net. > > Sincerely, > Anne O'Rack, > ISP. And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Dear Anne, } } In regard to the respective spellings of "hamster" and "pidgeon," } sometimes those pesky letters drift around and, apparently, the "p" } slipped off and came to rest, inverted, between a certain "i" and "e." } We do have a fulltime letter wrangler, but he took the morning off } because he had a dentist's appointment. } } As for the misguided followers simultaneously attempting to access a } non-existing site and initiating a so-called meltdown of the so-called } "net," it's a little late for that. The meltdown has been on schedule } for years and it isn't my fault that you so-called "style cops" are } just now noticing it. The signs have all been right out in the open, } sunning themselves on a big rock. The big AOL/Time Warner merger is } only the most recent example. } } Besides, I noticed more misspellings and grammatical errors on your } site at http://internet.style.police.kz/ than virtually any other site } on the web. And that includes the Artist's (formerly known as the } Artist Formerly Known as Prince (formerly known as Prince)) site. } } Sincerely, } T.I. Oracle } TIO Inc. } } p.s. You owe the Oracle a little red '99 Corvette. --- 1147-06 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Paul L. Kelly" The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Wise Oracle most joyous and bubbly, > > What would the Ancient Greeks think of diet soda? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Ah, most grievous and flat supplicant, lets ask them now! } } /j #afterlife } } *** You are now chatting in #afterlife } Orrie: seen archy? } SeenBot: Archy is currently online in #heaven-philo } } /j #heaven-philo } *** You are now chatting in #heaven-philo } Orrie: hey archy what u think of diet soda? } Archy: hi orrie i thnk it sux. } Orrie: im sure our supplicant wnts 2 knw why... } Archy: a yyy philo 1ce sed "image is nothing, thirst is everything" } Archy: & if all i had to drnk ws dietsoda, id rthr dhydrte } Orrie: I see... } } So there you go, most thirsty supplicant, right from the abbreviated } mouth of the deceased. } } You owe The Oracle a Site Of the Day Award. And a Coke. Extra } Caffeine. --- 1147-07 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Julianna Avedon" The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > It seems the last 6 months have been a living hell around the > house...with a house fire, a car getting totalled, a burglary, a > death in the family and my dog dying but work is going really well, > should I just become a work-a-holic and never go home again? or should > I move to tibet and get away from it all? > Mike And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Dear Mike, } } Next time you write, include a grovel. Luckily for you, I'm feeling } extremely well-disposed this morning (Lisa's talent with 3 oranges } and a small silver chain last night may have something to do with it) } so I'm going to answer your question instead of ZOTting you. } } You should never go home again. You should move as far away from } that place as you can. I can see into your future (I *am* the Oracle, } after all) and I don't see anything but pain for you should you visit } your pad again. No, the only solution is to move to Indiana, USA, } where you can join my bustling priesthood that never has anything bad } ever happen to them (...well, not unless the priest's name is "Zadoc") } and become a productive and happy individual who slaves away for me } 25 hours a day. Yes, you too can be just like Tim Chew. } } Should you decide to stay at home, you will suffer a string of } burglaries and wake up one night surrounded by highly intelligent } mutant gerbils that have escaped from the National Security Agency } (yes, they breed mutant gerbils there all day). These gerbils will } tie you up and force you to watch reruns of "Lassie" until your } head implodes. So your best bet is to move here. } } Of course, you could always move to a better neighbourhood with better } security, power points that do not spontaneously combust, and a vet } who lives next door just in case your dog eats something it shouldn't. } What do *you* think? } } Sincerely, } } The Internet Oracle } } You owe the Internet Oracle a penthouse apartment in New York, where } no bad things can ever happen to him. --- 1147-08 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Alyce M. Wilson" The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > So, am I ever going to get that promotion? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Not with an attitude like that. I mean, no grovel at all, not even a, } "Hey, Orrie." It looks like you need to work on your people skills. } Here's a little quiz for you: } } 1. You meet a woman in a bar and, to strike up a conversaion, you ask } her for the time. She turns back to continue talking with her friends. } You... } a) ...smile and move on. } b) ...say, "What's the matter, you on the rag?" } c) ...club her over the head and drag her out. } d) ...follow her home and commit hari kiri on her porch. } } 2. Your boss walks into your office at 4:47 and drops a stack of papers } on the desk. "I need a report on this first thing in the morning," he } says. You... } a) ...say, "Certainly, sir," and begin working on the report } immediately. } b) ...grumble under your breath and flip him off as he leaves. } c) ...wait until he leaves, then break into his office and urinate } in his desk drawers. } d) ...follow him home and commit hari kiri on his porch. } } 3. You're in line at the checkout with a cart full of items. An elderly } woman with a single can of beets asks if she can cut in line. You... } a) ...smile and say, "Certainly, ma'am." } b) ...glare at her and say, "Back of the line, Granny." } c) ...knock the can from her hand, then kick her as she bends to } pick it up. } d) ...follow her home and commit hari kiri on her porch. } } 4. Some coworkers stop by your office to invite you to come along for } lunch. You... } a) ...grab your coat. } b) ...grab your door and slam it shut. } c) ...grab the closest one, drag him to the bathroom, and give him a } swirly. } d) ...follow them and commit hari kiri on the restaurant porch. } } 5. You need to make a phone call, but you don't have any change. You... } a) ...stop someone and ask politely if they can break a five. } b) ...stop someone and start going through their pockets. } c) ...stop someone and beat them senseless, then go through their } pockets. } d) ...follow someone home and commit hari kiri on their porch. } } 6. You're at the annual office Christmas party, and the boss's wife, } obviously drunk, begins making lewd suggestions and gesturing toward the } supply closet. You... } a) ...politely decline, then find some friends to talk to. } b) ...say, "Why bother with the closet?" and prop her up on the } nearest desk. } c) ...take her in the closet, beat her senseless, then go through } her pockets. } d) ...follow her into the closet and commit hari kiri on her lap. } } 7. You've just received an eviction notice, despite the fact that you've } always paid your rent on time. You... } a) ...go down to the rental office and politely ask what the problem } is. } b) ...bring your lawyer to the rental office and threaten to sue } everyone in sight. } c) ...bring a shotgun to the rental office and kneecap everyone in } sight. } d) ...go down to the rental office and commit hari kiri on the } porch. } } 8. Down on your luck romantically, you answer a personal ad. When your } date shows up, it's obvious she's lied about her weight, looks, etc. } You... } a) ...compliment her, take her out anyway, and discover she has a } wonderful personality and is loaded, to boot. } b) ...roll on the floor laughing hysterically, then slam the door. } c) ...push her down the stairs while screaming, "Liar! Liar!" } d) ...step outside and commit hari kiri on your porch. } } 9. You're at your extended family's Christmas party, and your } great-grandmother is standing underneath the mistletoe. You... } a) ...step up, kiss her gently on the cheek, and whisper, "Merry } Christmas!" } b) ...tilt her back, tongue-kiss her, and shout, "You've still got } it, Granny!" } c) ...push her out of the way, drag your brother's wife over, and } start feeling her up. } d) ...sit in the punch bowl and commit hari kiri. } } 10. You're sitting in the boss's office, and he asks you, "So, why } should I give you that promotion?" You... } a) ...explain how much you do for the company, and what you think } you can bring to the new position. } b) ...say, "Why not?" } c) ...say, "You suck." } d) ...climb on his desk, weeping unconsolably, and commit hari kiri. } } Now, give yourself 1 point for every (a) answer, 2 points for (b), etc. } If you scored: } } 10-15: Your people skills are fine. I'm sure the brusque tone of your } question was merely due to the stress of having so many friends. } } 16-25: You have some definite problems, but nothing that can't be } fixed. Try not to be so impulsive, remember to use your manners, } and treat others with respect, even if you don't mean it. With a } little hard work, the promotion will be yours. } } 26-35: You were even up for a promotion? } } 36-40: Don't worry. All your problems will be over shortly. } } You owe the Oracle two grovels next time. --- 1147-09 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Alyce M. Wilson" The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > The Oracle has wisdom like that of all seeing spy camera that focuses > on every humans every deed--he knows everything that happens in the > land, > > How did so many people come to the conclusion that their lives are > supposed to be free of all pain and suffering? > > I thank you wise one for your time. And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } A valid question, my friend. The problem lies mainly with politicians, } who promise that if elected they will ease our pain and solve our } problems, and with religious leaders, who offer freedom from troubles } in exchange for following their particular beliefs. } } However, both postulates belie the actual nature of Man's existence, } regardless of whether you believe in God/gods or prefer the } evolutionary scenario. For example, take the case where God exists. } What better method does He have to encourage devotion and penance } than to place his subjects in situations where they will need to seek } his help? God has a vested interest in an imperfect world. } } If you take the evolutionary view, on the other hand, the argument } for suffering becomes even more pronounced. Evolution is primarily } a competitive situation, and as such, there will always be someone } else trying to best you. The mere fact that an evolutionary system } has winners implies that it must therefore also have losers, who will } thus experience "pain and suffering." } } So the supposition that one's life should be free of trials is mere } self-delusion, a denial of reality. Sorry this reply isn't terribly } humorous, but you did ask about pain and suffering, now didn't you? } } You owe the Oracle three rosaries and a tax cut. --- 1147-10 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Paul L. Kelly" The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > The Tragedy of Bill Gates > A Play In Five Acts > By Orrie Shakespeare And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Soft! } But not to speak before the time has come. } The tragic William yet awaits the deed } Wherein his empire, rip't in shreads, doth fail } And Lowly Linux creeping up in bits } Ascends the Mighty Window'd Throne to take } Supreme and total mast'ry of the Earth. } } This Orb and all its fated bytes doth bend } But is resiliant like the archer's bow. } I must entreat thee yet, be not so swift } To set thyself a gloating mind, for Bill } In leaving Redmond keeps his powers still.