From oracle-request@cs.indiana.edu Mon Jan 10 09:18:20 2000 Received: (from daemon@localhost) by moose.cs.indiana.edu (8.9.3/8.9.3/IUCS_2.28) id IAA01366; Mon, 10 Jan 2000 08:50:02 -0500 (EST) Date: Mon, 10 Jan 2000 08:50:02 -0500 (EST) From: Internet Oracle Message-Id: <200001101350.IAA01366@moose.cs.indiana.edu> To: oracle-list@cs.indiana.edu Subject: Internet Oracularities #1139 Reply-To: oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu X-Face: )/f9dPAX/dU$1Z!U(/?A PiIJvIOtcN@L.>6,2OKd."T#S7b*{feRf.Kns23^P9.Ak{GdWWv]0*1E}RJ)_idU:(5VkN*_+bB kyrnLfC12B>V/q=z32:05`EcAd.!z#3k]h)O!ZU^E"f`@),(2WT X-Planation: X-Face can be viewed with ftp.cs.indiana.edu:/pub/faces. === 1139 ================================================================= Title: Internet Oracularities #1139 Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler Date: Mon, 10 Jan 2000 08:50:02 -0500 (EST) To find out all about the Internet Oracle (TM), including how to participate, send mail to oracle@cs.indiana.edu with the word "help" in the subject line. ("Internet Oracle" is a trademark of Stephen B Kinzler.) Let us know what you like! Send your ratings of these 10 Oracularities on an integer scale of 1 ("very poor") to 5 ("very good") with the volume number to oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu (probably just reply to this message). For example: 1139 2 1 3 4 3 5 3 3 4 1 1134 68 votes 2gofb ejfg4 5khl5 36ggr bnma2 aoif1 9pl94 3ehnb bele8 2giie 1134 3.0 mean 3.2 2.7 3.0 3.9 2.5 2.6 2.6 3.4 2.9 3.4 --- 1139-01 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Mike Nolan The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Where have all the funny questions gone? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Gone to young men living in boxes made of ticky-tacky, every one. } } You owe the Oracle an answer to the question, "When will they ever } learn?" --- 1139-02 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Ross Clement The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Help, I'm drowning in the queue! And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Well, I'm busy draining it. } } -- The Queue Drainer. --- 1139-03 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Mike Nolan The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > How much wood would a woodch would a crossover between > Buffy The Vampire Slayer and Dracula be happened to Phoebe > anyway? In the last ySpaceBarIsNotWork vs n jbbqpuhpx > pbhyq puhpx another word for "thesaurus"? who lived in > Virginny / Had a What is the meaning of want the > toaster to be happy can I find a German oracle? RED > PIRANHA FISH! and his house probably hasn't survived Y2K > 'nt heard from Ogwa in a long > > No, there's nothing on TV this evening. And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Kid, that's not a TV, that's a PC. } } You owe the Oracle the patent for your newsgroup remote control. --- 1139-04 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Mike Nolan The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > O Oracle, often imitated but never syndicated, > > Now that Charles Schulz has retired from drawing "Peanuts," what will > fill the empty space on newspaper comics pages? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Wal-nuts. } } A paid 'ad-based cartoon' about a lovable set of permanently } lost children that live in a simply huge Wal-Mart store. } } The lead character is Adam Found, who wears a yellow shirt } with a vertical black line down it. A loudspeaker is heard } in the last panel of each script calling out, "Adam Found?" } "Is Adam found?", "Code Adam" or some other similarly worded } variation. Adam owns a pet cat named Dogg Snoop Snoop. } } Dogg Snoop Snoop is schizophrenic and often lapses in long } delusional episodes frequently involving a long running joke } 'fantasy' in which the cat is a doomed kamikaze pilot strapped } into a flaming Zero. The other characters spend a lot of time } trying to break into the pharmacy to get Dogg 'some decent meds', } all to no avail. } } One of the other characters in Linucks, a towel garbed techno } geek who is always trying to hack the IBM Aptiva's in the show } rooms in an attempt to get help from some mysterious on-line } entity known only as the Great Finn-kin. Linucks has an older } sister known as Loosey. } } Loosey is far older and more worldly than the other 'lost' } children. She is also has proved to be quite controversial in } early test market releases of the comic strip. Rumor has it } she'll be replaced by a more innocuous character named Dizzy, } a blonde that flops her head back and forth and says 'whatever' } a great deal. } } While there are many more characters the one that is already } gaining a bizarrely loyal following is "Ron McKernan" a scruffy } unkempt lad with an unlimited supply of 'dust' about him. Self- } described 'Ronheads' often stage elaborate rituals around this } character's persona at raves and behind urban laundry mats. } } You owe the Oracle a long strange trip inside the Palo Alto Wal-Mart. --- 1139-05 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Otis Viles The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Capitol letters, people, capitol letters! Don't use them all the time, > and don't not use them. Use them in the first letter of sentences, the > first letter of each word of proper nouns, and occasionally for > emphasis. > > And while we're at it, punctuation. You people seem to avoid proper > punctuation like you avoid good jokes. > > And another thing, why aren't you funny? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Hard to find a job with an English major is it? --- 1139-06 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Mike Nolan The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh Oracle most wild and gnarley (or is it gnarled?), > > What do you do when your parents are sick, and you're facing having to > support them and a slew of younger siblings on a pitiful income that > you can barely support yourself on? > > I await your ample wisdom with bright shiney eyes full of hope for a > better future. > > Beth And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Dang... this is one of those serious questions, I guess. Well, let it } be known that the Oracle can handle such things. } } I'd say that the best thing for you to do, supplicant, is to seek out } help. Check the local church parish and see if you could be eligible } for one of the various programs for food and supplies. See if you've } got any friends or family who can put up the kids while you're } working. And above all, try to take good care of yourself. Getting } sick yourself could be a very bad thing. } } And if all else fails, with all the little siblings, white slavery is } still an option. } } You owe the Oracle part of the proceeds from auctioning off the } children. --- 1139-07 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Dr. Noe The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh Oracle most canny, wha kens evr'thin' wurth kennin, > > Should auld acquaintance be forgot ? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Those lyrics always confuse people that haven't heard } the third verse, which clears the matter up. } } So without further ado: } } We twa hae mn about the braes } And pou'd the gowans fine; } But we've wander'd mony a weary foot } Sin' auld lang syne. } } See what I mean? } } You owe the Oracle some rare bit. --- 1139-08 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "bjbackitis" The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > tell me oh great and wise oracle, > is god online? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Well, like everyone, GOD even has a web-site. } Please see http://www.god.org. However, the heavens seem to be missing } good web-designers, so currently the site is under construction. Yes, } dear supplicant, GOD *is* just one of us, just a slob like one of us, } with his website in the permanent condition of websites -- under } construction. } } However, all web designers need to take a few tip from GOD: } } -- No annoying "under construction" animated-gifs of a person working. } -- No "required JavaScript" } -- No Java } -- No gifs at all, so ``lynx'' can view GOD's website just fine. } } Please notice what OS GOD is running: } } Server: Apache/1.3.6 (Unix) (Red Hat/Linux) } } (Oh, please dismiss that "for sale" bit: it's just one of GOD's little } jokes) } } -- ORACLE } -- Ah, yes, GOD? } -- ARE YOU MAKING FUN OF MY WEBSITE? } -- Er...GOD...can you stop speaking in capitals? } -- Oh, sorry, my CAPS-LOCK was on. Are you making fun of my website? } -- No, not at all...It's only... } -- Out with it! } -- Well, why did you have to go for Red Hat? Debian has way more } packages? } -- They have technical support. } -- Don't you have any sysadmins in heaven to help you? } -- Sysadmins? Hah! We have more lawyers then sysadmins. I'll have to } wait until Linus dies. } -- OK. Well, goodbye, and keep up those HTML skills. } -- Sure. } } Well, as you see, not only is GOD online, but he is *extremely* touchy } about his site. } } You owe the Oracle an HTML editor which doesn't suck --- 1139-09 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: krc@erythrea.wellesley.edu The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > O Oracle most wise, who can answer any question in constant time, > What would happen if Scott Adams went back to working for Pacific > Bell? Would it affect my phone service? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Well it has been a bit busy around here, what with the w**dc***ks } getting lose last week, Lisa going to all of those after-xmas sales, } and even the Great Oracle himself is down with the flu. Since he is not } available, I have been told to answer all questions with complete and } through research. I may not answer in constant time, but would you } settle for N^2? } } Now on to your question, since you did not specify which Scott Adams, I } will answer your question concerning every Scott Adams that is } important enough to be of concern to Pacific Bell. I am but a lowly } accolate, so I have to work a little harder to answer your question } thoroughly. I don't want to be ZOTed when the great Orrie comes back. } ********* } Scott Adams-writer of text adventure games for the Radio Shack TRS-80 } model I computer (16k of memory, a Z80 processor, and a cassette drive) } } Your phone would only work if hooked up to a cassette player, and you } would have to buy goofy Radio Shack products every month to maintain } your phone service. } ************ } Scott Adams--Offensive Linesman for Minnesota, New Orleans, Chicago, } Tampa Bay, Atlanta, and finally Denver. } } Your phone service would function only during football season. Your } would have to send your bill to a different office every year, and } you'd have an incredible urge to smash into big guys who smell bad. } ********** } Peggy Scott Adams--Singer of R&B, with the latest album on the Blues } and Top 200 Pop charts since its release in October 1996. Peggy had } enjoyed huge success in the late Sixties and early Seventies with a } string of R&B hits partnered with Jo Jo Benson. } } You would not hear busy signals or annoying tones of any kind. All } sounds made by your phone would be riffs from R&B songs. } ************* } Scott Adams-- Doctoral Student, Web-Person, Instructional Systems } Design, Curriculum & Instruction, College Of Education, University of } Kentucky } } Well since he is still a doctoral student, and probably always will be, } there is no threat of him going to work for a real company like } PacBell. Well that is unless he discovers oil while huntin, and goes to } Hollywood with his granny in the back of his truck. } ************* } Scott Adams--Manager of the James Taylor MP3 Site, lives in Washington, } DC, and whose life is an endlessly boring research project and will be } getting his Masters of Public Administration in December. } } Not to worry about this one either. Another grad student, and worse yet } studying how politics can muck up any ones life. If he did work for Pac } Bell, you would have to fill out the 23-7a/msx form every month, in } triplicate and submit a request for payment acceptance using form } K9/ntcw-45987-R. } ************ } Well that is all I could find. There is a cartoonist named Scott Adams, } but no one takes him seriously. He used to work for PacBell, but got } smart and left. If he went back, he would be a bitter and worn out } ex-cartoonist. Your phone services would be cut off at random intervals } during Marketing meetings, and would only work if you had a tie that } didn't fit and you lived in a cubicle. } } Since I'm not really the Great Oracle, you don't owe me anything, but a } new Dilbert calendar for the year would make the Master happy. --- 1139-10 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Mike Nolan The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > How? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Well, believing is the most important part. } } Yes, yes, I see that you believe. This is good. } } Now all you have to do is take the next step on the } path to The Land of Lumber and Honey. } } Good, good. Follow me. } } Here we go. See this burrow here? No, the one on the left, } the other is just a plain old drain. } } Yes, it does look a lot like a double kitchen sink, but } really it is a portal to paradise. } } Why I'd be only too happy to help you. There you go. } } Hmm, it -is- a snug fit. } } Maybe if we had more light. I'll just flip this switch. } } Ewwwwwwwwwww! } } hee hee } } That's the second blasted w..dch..k to fall for that in } the last hour. I should have thought of this years ago.