From oracle-request@cs.indiana.edu Tue Jan 4 12:26:46 2000 Received: (from daemon@localhost) by moose.cs.indiana.edu (8.9.3/8.9.3/IUCS_2.28) id MAA28246; Tue, 4 Jan 2000 12:01:40 -0500 (EST) Date: Tue, 4 Jan 2000 12:01:40 -0500 (EST) From: Internet Oracle Message-Id: <200001041701.MAA28246@moose.cs.indiana.edu> To: oracle-list@cs.indiana.edu Subject: Internet Oracularities #1137 Reply-To: oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu X-Face: )/f9dPAX/dU$1Z!U(/?A PiIJvIOtcN@L.>6,2OKd."T#S7b*{feRf.Kns23^P9.Ak{GdWWv]0*1E}RJ)_idU:(5VkN*_+bB kyrnLfC12B>V/q=z32:05`EcAd.!z#3k]h)O!ZU^E"f`@),(2WT X-Planation: X-Face can be viewed with ftp.cs.indiana.edu:/pub/faces. === 1137 ================================================================= Title: Internet Oracularities #1137 Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler Date: Tue, 4 Jan 2000 12:01:40 -0500 (EST) To find out all about the Internet Oracle (TM), including how to participate, send mail to oracle@cs.indiana.edu with the word "help" in the subject line. ("Internet Oracle" is a trademark of Stephen B Kinzler.) Let us know what you like! Send your ratings of these 10 Oracularities on an integer scale of 1 ("very poor") to 5 ("very good") with the volume number to oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu (probably just reply to this message). For example: 1137 2 1 3 4 3 5 3 3 4 1 1132 68 votes dyg50 59hij 2cioc 6igk8 2bqhc 7hqc6 ahgg9 16hue 1btl6 5cbfp 1132 3.2 mean 2.2 3.5 3.5 3.1 3.4 2.9 3.0 3.7 3.3 3.6 --- 1137-01 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Paul L. Kelly" The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Letting the ZOTs go by > Letting the woodchucks hold me > Letting the ZOTs go by > Woodchucks flowing under > Into the queue again > After the digest's forgotten > Once in a tellme > Woodchucks flowing under And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } And you may askme yourself } How do I answer this? } And you may askme yourself } Where is that witty answer? } And you may tellme yourself } This is not a digestible answer! } And you may tellme yourself } This is not my stunning insight! } Letting the questions go by/let the drainers suck me down } Letting the queue go by/coffee flowing over grounds } Into the queue again/after the answers done } Once in a lifetime/I get a funny one } } Queued Up as it ever was...Queued Up as it ever was... } Queued Up as it ever was...Queued Up as it ever was... } Queued Up as it ever was... } } Questions are hilarious and answers are straight } Questions are timely and answers are late } Questions all come from you know who } Questions don't ask what I want them to } Questions just twist words around } Questions are asking turned inside out } Questions are included in The Best Of's and } Questions of nothing I get too often } Questions don't strain or cause a blur } Questions go out and come back in } Questions are written all over the place } Questions continue to be written by a million apes } } I'm still queuing...I'm still queuing...I'm still queuing... } I'm still queuing...I'm still queuing...I'm still queuing... } I'm still queuing...I'm still queuing..---------------------. } } You owe the Oracle The King's Lead Hat. --- 1137-02 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: MVSOPEN@aol.com The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh great Oracle, whose front lawn is always up to "Better Homes and > Gardens" standards, please hear our plea. > > Our boss passed away last year and we've been out of work ever since. > Is there a place in the world for three, out-of-work hand puppets? > > Sincerely, > Lambchop, Hushpuppy and Charlie Horse And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Be strong; think of your less fortunate bretheren, like poor Pedro } Wences. Nobody even asks if's OK anymore. And being, as he is, a head } in a closed box, you can imagine that his answer would not be 's all } right. } } You owe The Oracle a current address for Wilkins & Wontkins. --- 1137-03 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Julianna Avedon" The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Dear merciful and compassionate Oracle, > > Every now and then, when I'm feeling bored or depressed, I do a few > tellmes. But sometimes I send in a few lame questions. Real stinkers > that I'd hate to have to answer myself. So then I feel guilty for days > on end for having jammed the queue full of such tripe. I need to end > this nasty habit. Any suggestions? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Below is an overview of types of questions listed from } most annoying to least annoying. Most annoying is at the top. } The further you go down the list the less annoying it is... } Try and ask questions of the type further down the list. } } ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ annoying section ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ } } The W-dc-k question } Crossover questions } Disguised W-dc-k questions } * the three above are trite formula questions, kind of a fill } in the blank mentality, no creativity needed } } Questions involving any television shows } * TV is so sad, yet it is embarrassing to see how many supplicants } seem to know more about "Friends" than politics } } My KEYbRds NoTWRKING jokes/question in rot-13 } * overdone } } Steve Wright's work passed off as a question. } * Steve Wright is -funny-, but use your own work please. } } Foul language, inappropriate sexual/scat "jokes" } } The actual question "What is the meaning of life?" } } Zen koans (sound of one hand/tree in forest) and "joke" koans. } } Complaints about incarnations/Oracle in general } * How this is supposed to help is lost on me } } Purely rhod-centric in-jokes } * many of these seem like people wanting to be "known" as } someone mentioned in a digest } } Bill Gates bashing } * Bill Gates sux, Windows sux, we all agree. But these } questions are like shooting fish in a barrel for a } crowd that wants it done and has seen it before, OLD HAT. } } Questions about the staff, (Lisa Og et al) or long involved } scenarios about the staff as though this was a sitcom. } * Some of these are written very, very well, but it wanders } from the Oracle's purpose. Lisa and Og and Zadoc are just } foils to be used when someone is needed for a conversation. } } ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^[ above this line is annoying ]^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^ } } entering the hazy gray area } } _________________[ below this line is not annoying]_______________ } } Help! I'm in this weird situation Questions } * yes, they are formula questions, BUT they are asking a question } and they are rarely boring, but this is borderline } } Questions involving the number 42, or other versions of Life, } the Universe, and Everything } * the Oracle can not deny this crowd is his audience } } Lyrics to songs } * some song questions are really, really bad, some are brilliant } } Questions with mangled grammar } * this is USENET, spelling errors happen, as does sloppy } grammar, but some questions should come with a decoder } ring } } Questions about the current politics (anywhere) } * The -only- reason this isn't in the good question section } is that around the times of US Presidential contests the } political questions get so heated and partisan and frequent } it leaves a bad taste for months... Sigh, so right now I } could care less about political questions, but ask me around } a big election AND GRRRR!!! } } ++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++ } *--- now entering the GOOD question realm ----* } ++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++ } } Science Questions } * Hey, this is the future, we're talking on computers! } Let's show we aren't Og here can we } } Computer Questions (-except- for Bill Gates bashing drivel) } } Questions about any book } } Questions about real life problems } * NOW we've got to why there -is- an Oracle, this is the job } team, yes lots is puppy-love stuff, but that is important } to the sad little things } } Questions you'd ask a real-life Oracle if you had a chance } (as yourself or as a character from a book or from a } well-known real life person) } * Come on, if you could have any question in the world answered } would you ask a deity about TV or w..dch..ks?? } } ORIGINAL questions The Oracle has never seen before! } * BINGO, first prize, stun me! } } You owe the Oracle ten questions. --- 1137-04 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Mike Nolan The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > (Here's hoping one of the funnier incarnations finds this, > and that the priest who gets it actually has a clue about > what's funny.) > > What, me worry? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } You're MAD, MAD I tell you. } } You owe the Oracle a bucket full of freckles. --- 1137-05 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Lawrence, Mark" The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > dearest allknowing, > > What's next after the Y2K-bug Hoax ? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Look for these hoaxes in the near future: } } The Ty2K Hoax--Where the Ty company will not actually stop making } Beanie Babies but, in fact, double production and flood the market. } } The Y3M Hoax--The 3M company will announce a new miracle substance } known internally as SPC-28P. They will claim it will cure everything } from measles to AIDs. Alas! It all turns out to be an April Fools joke. } } The Y3D Hoax--Wherein it is revealed that the world only appears to } be three-diminsional. Turns out that depth was only ever a theory } and never proven. In June, it is revealed that depth is simply an } optical illusion. } } The Y2B Hoax--The Artist Formerly Known As Prince is revealed to be } a hologram produced by light hitting the exhaust smoke from an AMC } Pacer a certain way. } } The U2 Hoax--As it turns out, Bono's real name is Craig, and he's } from Boise, ID. } } The FUK Hoax--A rumor started by two teenagers in Manchester that, } on July 4th, 2000, a small group of arsonists would set all the } historical buildings in London aflame. All they really wanted was to } get their local newscasters to say F-U-K on the air. } } The Y-OK Hoax--Wherein Americans are lulled into a false sense of } security after the clock strikes midnight on January 1st and all } their computers are still operating normally. } } You owe the Oracle a system backup. --- 1137-06 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Dr. Noe The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > What is lambda calculus? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } It's that hot latin Calculus, forbidden in most centers of higher } learning because it often leads to excessive curve fitting and } oscillation. Its re-discovery in the late 80s led to the production of } several worthless texts, including Lambda: The Prohibited Calculus, and } Lambda II: Dirty Derivative. } } You owe the Oracle a tangent line dance. --- 1137-07 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Tim Chew" The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh, Oracle, you are my only hope! > > My turtle is looking very scuffed up these days, but I'm not sure which > kind of turtle wax I should use to polish up her shell. How can I > decide which one to use? > > --Buffy And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } You should be using linseed oil, rather than wax. That way the ball } will leave the turtle in a more unpredictable direction. Not only will } your innings last longer, but the turtle will have fewer scratches to } boot. } } You owe the Oracle an explanation of why the Indies prefer using bats } to turtles. --- 1137-08 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Paul L. Kelly" The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Great Oracle, most fluid in thought and dance, > > Did people dance before the discovery of alcohol? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Well, yes... but not very well. } } You see, mortals require some degree of alcohol in order to get silly } enough to actually dance. I don't know if you've ever sat on a couch } during a party and watched other people dance during a party, but if } you haven't, you really ought to. Observed objectively, it's one of } the silliest sights in the world. Next to sex, of course. } } Which, come to think of it... } } Well, let's review some of the great dances in human history: } } OG DRINK FERMENTED BERRIES, HIT OGWA ON HEAD WITH BIG STICK I know, } I know, it's a standard cartoon caricture, but, oddly enough, it *was* } the first dance in human history. Admittedly, a very short dance, } but it had quite a beat. (Sorry...) } } DRINK HONEY-LEFT-IN-POT-FOR-A-MOON, THEN DANCE AROUND BIG FIRE AND } HAVE SEX A big hit during the Paleolithic. Fairly simple, as dances } go, but it had, er, rhythm. } } DRINK BEER, DRESS UP LIKE LARGE BULLS AND HAVE SEX There's a theme } here, you see. Obviously, the guys in the the temple of Ur decided } that they had a good thing going. "Look, Pongo," said Smythe-St. } John, "I have a *brilliant* idea! Let's all dress up like whacking big } cattle with big, well, you know... the gels will absolutely love it. } They haven't been out in *weeks*, you know..." } } Well, you get the idea... } } Look, my ISP is about to kick me off, so you'll yave to look up the } next 7,000 years of alcohol/dance/sex. } } You owe the Oracle a quart of Wild Turkey, no clothes and a slow dance. --- 1137-09 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Paul L. Kelly" The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > All-seeing Oracle, > > If you're really omniscient tell me what I'm thinking about right now. And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } You're thinking about that girl who... no, wait, you're thinking } about the time that... no, wait, you're thinking about what you'd } like to... no, wait, you're thinking about your sister's... no, wait, } you're thinking about who should... no, wait, you're thinking about } whether... no, wait... } } Oh, for crying out loud, if you're going to ask questions like that, } would you be so kind as to lay off the caffeine first. } } You owe the Oracle a half hour of meditation. --- 1137-10 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Lawrence, Mark" The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh Oracle most wise, > > Are there any separate thoughts or are they all part of a whole? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Is it really an either-or question, supplicant? Surely grains of sand } are discrete and finite, yet when taken as a whole, you have a beach, a } singular object, which is composed of a plurality of singular objects. } From the many comes the one. From a multiplicity of individuals } comes a singularity of a multitude. As it is with sand, so it is } with people. Each is singular and complete, yet as a community, } they are one. A large group of people, with the intellect of one. } This is the secret behing the popularity of the Backstreet Boys. } } You owe the Oracle a treatise on why groupthink is a bad thing.