From oracle-request@cs.indiana.edu Fri Oct 22 09:11:02 1999 Received: (from daemon@localhost) by moose.cs.indiana.edu (8.9.3/8.9.3/IUCS_2.28) id IAA14414; Fri, 22 Oct 1999 08:21:52 -0500 (EST) Date: Fri, 22 Oct 1999 08:21:52 -0500 (EST) From: Internet Oracle Message-Id: <199910221321.IAA14414@moose.cs.indiana.edu> To: oracle-list@cs.indiana.edu Subject: Internet Oracularities #1122 Reply-To: oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu X-Face: )/f9dPAX/dU$1Z!U(/?A PiIJvIOtcN@L.>6,2OKd."T#S7b*{feRf.Kns23^P9.Ak{GdWWv]0*1E}RJ)_idU:(5VkN*_+bB kyrnLfC12B>V/q=z32:05`EcAd.!z#3k]h)O!ZU^E"f`@),(2WT X-Planation: X-Face can be viewed with ftp.cs.indiana.edu:/pub/faces. === 1122 ================================================================= Title: Internet Oracularities #1122 Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler Date: Fri, 22 Oct 1999 08:21:52 -0500 (EST) To find out all about the Internet Oracle (TM), including how to participate, send mail to oracle@cs.indiana.edu with the word "help" in the subject line. ("Internet Oracle" is a trademark of Stephen B Kinzler.) Let us know what you like! Send your ratings of these 10 Oracularities on an integer scale of 1 ("very poor") to 5 ("very good") with the volume number to oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu (probably just reply to this message). For example: 1122 2 1 3 4 3 5 3 3 4 1 1117 74 votes 7nrd4 3bqq8 6rt84 37nqf aso93 coq93 9gtg4 7nsd3 57gpl 3gql8 1117 3.0 mean 2.8 3.3 2.7 3.6 2.6 2.6 2.9 2.8 3.7 3.2 --- 1122-01 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: R.P.Clement@westminster.ac.uk (Ross Clement) The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > I need bigger numbers for my bank account. Please put some in. And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Sure, no problem. I'll even do them in nice red ink for you. } } You owe the Oracle your house, car, furniture, and the clothes off your } back. --- 1122-02 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Rich McGee The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh oracle, whose musical knowledge is taller than the highest > mountain, wider than the widest ocean, and deeper than this hole I dug > in my backyard, do tell me: > > Why is it that I can never come up with a good tune for a song? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Holy smokes Sting! Isn't it a little late to start worrying about } that? } } You owe the Oracle a tribute in a bottle. --- 1122-03 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: krc@erythrea.wellesley.edu The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > What is this noise I am hearing? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Some people live lives of quiet desperation. Yours makes a pathetic } whining sound. } } You owe the Oracle some peace and quiet. --- 1122-04 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: David Sewell The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh, great, and mighty oracle, who doesn't in the least reak of brake > fluid, nor reak of oil, or transmision fluid...not in the least. Who > can answer any question without much though, who knows all thier is to > know, and a lot that he would probably be better off knowing. Who Has > solved the value of PI to 329999999 decmal places in his head. Who > knows why The sky is blue, who knows how to make an engine that > doesn't require gasoline. Who also knows why I'm going on so long > about how great he is...since he already knows how great he is. > > Ok, now down to the question. > > I'm a nice guy, but I have been having a bit of bad luck with the > ladies. I work hard (wear a badge), drive a truck, and play with > computers...you should know all this. Heck, I even speak a couple > diffrent languages... > > And, then, we come to my two best friends. One is 21, and male, then > the other one is 15, and female...odd combonation I'll admit. > > Why, or why can't I find a girlfriend? > > Oh, and just to make it simple, what kind of girl should I be lookning > for? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } A nice guy like you should have no trouble in finding a } girlfriend. Let's see now, what kind of girl should you look } for... Ah, I have it. You need a girl who will listen closely to } every word you say, and who will never interrupt you when you're } complaining about your life or telling her how wonderful she is. You } need a girl who won't object to being covered in brake fluid or } engine oil. And, most of all, you need a girl who won't criticize your } spelling. } } Here's a suggestion on where to find such a dream girl: go to the } nearest department store and saunter over to the ladies' apparel } section. Watch the women who are there. Some will be carrying } packages--avoid them, they spend too much money. Some will be leading } small children--avoid them, they're too busy. Some will simply be } browsing--avoid them, they're too indecisive. } } Look for a girl who stands in the same place without moving for hours } at a time, preferably one standing on a pedestal. Approach this girl, } and strike up a conversation with her. If she moves or says anything } in the first 12 hours of your monologue, forget it, she's not the } right one for you. Otherwise, you should get to know her better. Don't } worry that she seems very stiff and formal, or that her eyes never } seem to blink. } } Go to visit her every day. Bring her flowers--girls love flowers. Take } your banjo to the store with you sometimes and serende her. Get a } handcart and take her on moonlit strolls to the food court. Take her } to see a movie, and don't feel ashamed to cry during the sad } parts. After you've been seeing her for a year, you should buy her an } anniverary present, like maybe a grease gun or a monkey wrench. } } I'm sure you'll be very happy together. } } You owe the Oracle Pygmalion's lab notebook. --- 1122-05 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: David Sewell The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh, great oracle, who knows > the answer to everything. > Who has helped me greatly, > and in ways that I will never > fully understand. I thank you > for the help you have given > me in the pas. For I am just a > worthless mortal, not truely > worth even bothering you with > my question, but I realy need > the help, and am drawing at > straws here. > > Ok, well, just to say thanks > again,for the help with turning > the grovel mode back on on > my PalmPilot....Much nicer... > except when I send mail to > friends/family...they get a bit > confused by the groveling in > every letter. > > Oh, and sorry to make you > blush, when I asked my last > question. But, I realy need so > me help here. > > To get a girlfrined, what > should do? As of right now, I > work, sit on the inetnet, and > hang out at the local coffee > house (note the average age > there is about 60(I'm 21)). > > Thanks for the help, > You know me :) > > P.S., > Please excuse the fact that > this letter is formated for an > apple IIe, I'm on a PalmPilot! And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } First of all, I want to thank } you for finally raising the standard } to a IIe, instead of just a II+. I } was really getting tired of ALL CAPS } questions. } } Anyway, about the girls... You really } need to get a bigger computer. Girls } pretend not to care, but when you're not } looking, they *swoon* over hot-rodded } cars, computers, and stereo systems. } } Keep that PalmPilot out of their } sight. Instead, get a computer in a } large tower case. Maybe even get one } of those keyboard-only Amiga models, } and do a tower *conversion* on it. And } even after you've got a tower, you still } want to have many external peripherals } in seperate cases, hanging on a long } (but properly terminated) SCSI chain. } Plug them all into a big powerstrip or } UPS, so that when you hit the switch, } the overhead lights briefly flicker and } the sound of all the fans and hard disks } spinning up sounds like a jet engine } starting. Chicks totally dig this, and } their knees go weak and they'll sink } into your arms when they hear the white } noise of the rushing air, and feel the } warm draft eminating from all the } equipment. It's one of the most } romantic things they ever get to } experience with That Special Someone. } } The computer _must_ be overclocked. I } cannot stress this enough. Your } computer's clock speed is probably the } first thing that most women will want } to know about you, and they'll also } judge you based on how high that speed } is compared to the rating of the } components. As a bonus, overclocking } necessitates extra cooling, and the } extra Peltier coolers and fans will } only add to the aforementioned soft } fan noise, further driving them into } uninhibited passion. } } Now you should see that a PalmPilot is } the antithesis of what is needed to } attract a girlfriend, and you certainly } don't ever want to be caught using one } when she's around. Whenever you see a } loner bachelor guy, you'll know: } there's a guy who uses his Palm. --- 1122-06 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Lawrence, Mark" The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh oracle, whose level headedness is the envy of millions: whose > sheer force of mental well being makes Pope John Paul look like > Gilbert Godfried, do tell me: > > Am I insane? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } N , n , supplicant. Y u have n thing t w rry ab ut. Y u've sh wn n } signs f insanity s far: hallucinati ns, talking t y urself, mem ry } l ss, inability t read certain w rds r letters.. I'd say the ld } mental health pr gn sis l ks g d! } } Y u we the racle a c mfy jacket with nice l ng arms --- 1122-07 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: surfbaud@waverider.co.uk (Dave Hemming) The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Gross Orakel I am of german Language and not speak to good englisch. > Please tell where I a german Orakel can find. And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } No, no, no - that's no good at all. You should have said "I can the } Englisch not so good speaking". Look, if you want to be gratuitously } offensive to people of other nationalities, you've got to at least } get the basic speech patterns right. Otherwise you're making it much } too hard for them to realise they're the target of your hilarious } caricatures, see? Now, repeat after me: } } "Mama mia, tell-a to me where I find-a Oraculo Italiano because-a } mi eenglese she'sa notso good." } } "Orahcle, mon petty cabbage, disclose me if you please ze location } of ze grand Orahcle francophone so zat I once more can pretend I } do not 'ave ze anglais - pah! - I spit on it." } } "Eh muchacho, you tell to me where ees the Oraculo Mexicano pretty } queeck, or my friend 'e sleet your throat. Comprende, hombre? Ha } ha ha ha ha." } } "So solly, Olacre-san, prease be so good as to be terring me where } honolable Japanese Olacre, so I may no ronger rose face legarding } my shamefurry inadequate glasp of Engrish." } } "Oy, schlemozel Oracle, where am I finding a kosher Yiddish Oracle } already? Do I look like I want to be asking questions of a goy?" } } Right, that ought to do it. And if one of those doesn't induce somebody } to punch your lights out, come back to me and we'll try out a few more. } } You owe the Oracle a proper English English incarnation, not one of } these semi-civilised, below-the-salt New World colonial Johnnies, } what? --- 1122-08 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Ian Davis The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > is there a god? (other than you, oh great one) And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Just a god? Any god? Like Kev the god of toilets on French campsites, } would he do? } } Of course not, because that's not really what you want to know, is it? } I wish you mortals would learn to formulate your questions properly. } What you meant to ask is: is the Big Guy up in the sky for real and, } if so, why doesn't he just let us know instead of leaving us guessing } like this, right? Well, why don't we ask him? } } } } Why, I haven't phoned old Jehovah in ages. I used to all the time } back when I started in '89, but I was a lot less sure of myself in } those days... } } "Heavenly switchboard. Which number, please?" } } Number one, thank you. } } "It's ringing for you." } } But then I got to thinking that most of you supplicants weren't after } enlightenment anyway, you just wanted me to come up with a few jokes } to momentarily brighten up your humdrum existence. So, what with one } thing and another - Jehovah not being much of a gag merchant, as you } would know if you've ever read the bible... } } "Hello, Orrie. Long time no speak." } } Oh, hi J. I would ask how things are with you but, being omniscient, } I already know. } } "Just as I know, being similarly endowed, how you are getting on with } the delightful Lisa." } } Right. Moving swiftly on... } } "Specifically, your little mishap last night." } } Yes, well, a lot of people wouldn't have called that premature. But } let's not waste time with idle chit-chat. You know what I'm calling } about, of course. } } "Of course. Just as you know how I'm going to reply." } } You reply, firstly, that you've no intention of doing a Hitch-Hiker's } Guide type routine about proof denying faith and your being nothing } without faith because without a babelfish you'd be stuck for a } punchline, and secondly... } } "And secondly, that it's a load of baloney anyway. I used to go around } proving I existed all the time - global floods here, pillars of fire } there - and where did it get me? The moment my back was turned, they'd } all rush off to worship Ashtaroth. What's that bitch got that I } haven't?" } } A couple of prominent things spring to mind... } } "Exactly! Once mortals have proof of the existence of one god, they } naturally conclude there are more. And then they have a choice! They } can worship whoever takes their fancy. Don't like god A's afterlife } package? Then choose god B's: you only have to be good most of the } time to get into the Elysian fields, which are almost as good as } heaven. Or how about god C? Just do two good things your whole life and } spend no more than 200 years in purgatory." } } And for god D you can be a total scumbag but still reap the full } benefits when your policy matures as long as you've kept up the human } sacrifice payments. } } "You can't leave the fate of people's eternal souls to be determined } by competition and market forces. We're not in the 80s anymore." } } So, by refusing to prove any of you exist, you gods keep the mortals } in a state of continual uncertainty. } } "The little beggars have got to be as good as they possibly can, in } case the god that determines their fate turns out to be the one with } the least tolerant views on human failings." } } And while they're working themselves up into a lather worrying about } whether what they're doing is pleasing in the sight of this god, the } last thing they want to think about is whether there are further gods } who have a say in the matter, who might disapprove of their efforts } to appease the first one. } } "Hence the predominance of monotheistic religion. Pretty slick, huh?" } } As long as nobody breaks ranks and proves the existence of any of you. } } "Correct, and... What are you saying? Orrie, you didn't!" } } Er... I'm afraid I sort of unintentionally, well, that is to say... } } "Who?" } } I, um, I happened to, like, slightly mention Kev the god of toilets } on French campsites before I called you. } } "Kev the god of... You idiot! Couldn't you at least have spilled the } beans on somebody with a bit of gravitas, like Thor or Kali?" } } Well, Kev can be pretty important in his own way. I mean, if the } supplicant ever went camping in France... } } "Imbecile! Don't you see what you've done? Your benighted supplicant } is going run off and become the first prophet of the new scatological } religion of the almighty Kev. Soon pilgrims will be flocking to } campsites in the Dordogne and the Loire valley to abase themselves } before the sanitary facilities. Garlic-munching lavatory attendants } will be the high priests of a new global theocracy as 2000 years of } careful divine planning get flushed down the pan. And it's all your } fault!" } } This is worse than when I suggested to Judas how he could earn himself } a few pieces of silver, isn't it? } } "Yes!" } } So a humbly I'm sorry won't cover it? } } "No!" } } Human sacrifice? } } "At least one." } } Okay, I'll start with this here supplicant. Just let me warm up the } old ZOT ray... --- 1122-09 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Ian Davis The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oracle most wise, > > Do you have any pre-ban magazines you'd care to part with? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } (AP) News Wire - Oct 23, 1999 } GUNMAN OPENS FIRE IN DEPARTMENT STORE, INJURES SELF } --------------------------------------------------- } A lone gunman brandishing several automatic weapons and a handgun } opened fire in a Fort Wayne, Indiana department store Friday, injuring } himself but otherwise harming no one, police said. } } The gunman, identified as Russell Wayne Loonson, 46, allegedly walked } into a crowded Macy's(R) department store carrying at least half a } dozen outlawed, or "pre-ban", automatic and semiautomatic weapons. He } immediately attempted to open fire on the crowd, only to discover that } the magazines he was carrying were all empty. } } "By the time he went through all the cartridges the store was pretty } much empty," said police spokesman Donald D. Dobson through marginally } stifled fits of laughter. "I don't know what he was thinking, or } perhaps, wasn't thinking," he added. } } Loonson then allegedly pulled out a low caliber handgun and fired a } single round, which ricocheted off of a metal shelf and skimmed across } his lower leg. He was then easily apprehended and charged with } attempted murder, reckless endangerment, and "incomprehensible } stupidity." } } Witnesses say that Loonson had been in the store several days } earlier, and was observed arguing with several employees over the } store's lack of the Pokemon(R) trading cards he desired. One witness } allegedly overheard him repeatedly shouting, "What do you mean you } don't have the Poliwanker card? I want the Poliwanker card! I want } Poliwanker!" before bursting into tears and vandalizing the store's } entire Pokemon(R) collection. } } Loonson was then allegedly forced out of the store by security guards. } "We didn't report him to the police", said one guard, "as this was a } relative minor case of Pokemon(R) mania. I mean, you should've seen } what that one 6-year-old did last August. It makes this incident, I } mean, the shooting, look relatively minor." } } (AP) News Wire - Oct 25, 1999 } LAWSUITS FILED IN WAKE OF FORT WAYNE SHOOTING } --------------------------------------------- } At least a dozen lawsuits have been filed in the less than three days } after the tragic Fort Wayne, Indiana shooting that shocked the nation } Friday. } } Topping the list was a lawsuit filed jointly by the Christian } Coalition and the American Civil Liberties Union seeking an } unprecedented $400 million in damages from Nintendo, Inc., the creator } of the Pokemon(R) cards which reportedly sparked the incident. } } While it is unclear why the Christian Coalition is suing, due to the } incomprehensible Southern drawl used by their spokesman today, the } ACLU has said, "Yes, they have every right to make the cards. And } yes, outlawing them would be unconstitutional. But we're just as sick } and [expletive deleted] tired of hearing about these [expletive } deleted] things as anyone else, so let's just screw the constitution } for once!" } } Several pro-choice, pro-life, and cynic's organizations are also suing } Loonson's parents, for "ever allowing him to be born." Additionally, } the National Foundation to Stop People From Capitalizing on Tragedies } is suing several random large companies "because we feel like it." } } The Spotted Owl Foundation, American Dental Association, American Bar } Association, and the Judean People's Front are also reportedly } considering lawsuits, on the grounds that "Hey, this is America." } } (AP) News Wire - Oct 26, 1999 } FORT WAYNE GUNMAN SUES GUN MANUFACTURERS, ORACLE } ------------------------------------------------ } In an unprecedented legal event following the horrifying Fort Wayne, } Indiana massacre that shocked the world Friday, the gunman, Russell } Wayne Loonson, has filed a lawsuit against the manufacturers of the } weapons used in the shooting. } } In the suit, Loonson claims that the manufacturers exhibited "gross } negligence" in failing warn him that empty magazines do not allow a } weapon to fire properly. He claims that as a direct result of this, } he suffered Severe Mental Anguish during his arrest, and is seeking } $900 million in damages. } } He is also suing Oracle, Inc., which he claims sold him the empty } cartridges used in the attack. "Huh?" said a spokesman for Oracle } earlier today, "We've never even seen this guy before. Then again, } after working in the computer industry for as long as I have, all the } morons tend to blend together after a while." } } A member of the National Association of Idiotic Pundits Who Appear on } CNN After a Major News Event offered several comments. "Gun Makers } are big and evil, so they need to be stopped," she said, "And Oracle } invented the Internet, which allows child molesters to roam free and } victimize our children. So, yes, they need to be sued." } } President Clinton also made several remarks about the shooting earlier } today. "I believe that this tragedy shows that we, the American } people, need to put aside our differences, so that we can reach out to } one another, and rebuild -- uh, oops, wait, that was my Hurricane } Floyd speech. Hold on a second...", he said. } } (AP) News Wire - Oct 27, 1999 } FORT WAYNE GUNMAN OWES ORACLE A PRE-BAN NEWSPAPER --- 1122-10 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Alyce Wilson" The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Why and wherefore? And for that matter, how? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Professor Peacock, in the conservatory, with the candlestick. } } Why is still a mystery.