From oracle-request@cs.indiana.edu Tue Jul 6 09:36:32 1999 Received: (from daemon@localhost) by moose.cs.indiana.edu (8.9.3/8.9.3/IUCS_2.28) id JAA26384; Tue, 6 Jul 1999 09:05:32 -0500 (EST) Date: Tue, 6 Jul 1999 09:05:32 -0500 (EST) From: Internet Oracle Message-Id: <199907061405.JAA26384@moose.cs.indiana.edu> To: oracle-list@cs.indiana.edu Subject: Internet Oracularities #1104 Reply-To: oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu X-Face: )/f9dPAX/dU$1Z!U(/?A PiIJvIOtcN@L.>6,2OKd."T#S7b*{feRf.Kns23^P9.Ak{GdWWv]0*1E}RJ)_idU:(5VkN*_+bB kyrnLfC12B>V/q=z32:05`EcAd.!z#3k]h)O!ZU^E"f`@),(2WT X-Planation: X-Face can be viewed with ftp.cs.indiana.edu:/pub/faces. === 1104 ================================================================= Title: Internet Oracularities #1104 Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler Date: Tue, 6 Jul 1999 09:05:32 -0500 (EST) To find out all about the Internet Oracle (TM), including how to participate, send mail to oracle@cs.indiana.edu with the word "help" in the subject line. ("Internet Oracle" is a trademark of Stephen B Kinzler.) Let us know what you like! Send your ratings of these 10 Oracularities on an integer scale of 1 ("very poor") to 5 ("very good") with the volume number to oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu (probably just reply to this message). For example: 1104 2 1 3 4 3 5 3 3 4 1 1099 71 votes 9etd6 8jrb6 6ekm9 8xja1 8lnf4 9ohe7 49po9 2bGb5 hoo33 5hqj4 1099 2.9 mean 2.9 2.8 3.2 2.5 2.8 2.8 3.4 3.1 2.3 3.0 --- 1104-01 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Tim Chew" The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh Oracle most wise, smart like da Big Bosses, yousa please tell me... > > Why alla human peoples no like Jar-Jar? Every place meesa goin' on > Internet, meesa see peoples sayin' "Jar-Jar must be dyin'"! Alla time > talkin' about Jar-Jar bein' bom-bad. Meesa try to help Jedis, fight > mekaniks...meesa Bombad General, friend of big Boss Nass! Why nobody > like Jar-Jar? > > Jar-Jar Binks And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Well, Jar-Jar, here's a few things you could try to improve your } popularity: } } 1) Speech therapy - you'd be amazed (actually, it appears that you } are amazed) at how many people find your accent completely unbearable. } Myself included - nothing personal. Start speaking the Queen's English, } and you'll seem sophisticated, suave, and intelligent. Right now, } you sound like a gibbering idiot. } } 2) Dance lessons - face it, you're a klutz. Stepping into... stuff, } getting your head zapped between the podracer engines, things like } that. People are laughing behind your back - laughing at you, not } with you. Dance lessons will give you the grace and dexterity to avoid } such situations in the future. I hear Arthur Murray is pretty good. } } 3) Testosterone hormone injections - lower your voice by an octave } or so. Nobody laughs at James Earl Jones, do they? A deep voice can } be pretty sexy - and really, with a face like yours, you need all } the sex appeal you can get. } } 4) Declare war on some small country - bombing the living daylights } out of some dictator always makes you look good, right? Hussein and } Milosovic have been overdone - try finding someone new, like Canada's } Jean Chretien (who also happens to need speech therapy - how ironic). } The world will be a better place without the Canadians oppressing } the... ummm... ahh... errr... oh heck, who cares if they're oppressing } anyone? The point is that Canada can't adequately defend itself - } go for the easy mark. } } Probably none of this is going to stop the "Jar-Jar Binks must DIE!" } nonsense - but then again, you see angry Iraqis and Palestinians } screaming for Clinton's head on the news all the time - this is just } an indication of your new-found popularity! Congratulations! } } You owe the Oracle Darth Maul's lightsaber - I need to trim some } hedges. --- 1104-02 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: MCHEVALIER@WELLESLEY.EDU The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > I choose my instructions in life from the Oracle instead of hoards of > silver, I cherish knowledge from the digests rather than bags of > choice gold. The Oracle is IT with a capital "I" and a capital "T". > > Where is The Land of the Noon Time Moon? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } It isn't in any particular place, but the easiest way to find it is to } read all the Carlos Casteneda "Teachings of Don Juan" books, then } ingest all the alkaloid-bearing herbaceous substances described } therein. If you do that, I promise you, you'll find The Land of the } Noon Time Moon. You almost certainly won't come back, but hey! you'll } probably run into Tim Leary and Jimi Hendrix and Janis Joplin and Jim } Morrison and all kinds of other really cool people there. Beats the } heck out of spending the summer growing roots in front of the tube } watching "Friends" re-runs hoping for a glimpse of Jennifer Anniston's } nipples and looking for nude JPGs of post-boob-removal Pamela Anderson } and Jenny McCarthy on the Net. } } You owe the Oracle a return to a more intersting and exciting (or at } least less-brain-deadening) time. You don't need to do drugs to kill } brain cells these days. All you need to do is watch TV and listen to } the radio. --- 1104-03 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Darkmage The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > And here he is.... THE ORACLE!!! > > Will I suffer any ill effects if I watch too much TV? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Why, yes, there are bad effects. } } Neurologists have started to note something called "Reagan's Syndrome" } where thos who watch to much TV start to develup an acute form } of dyslexi. It happens sudenly, with the victom finding that worms } no longer make much sens, looking missppelled or otherwizz wrong. } This can hoppen within a thew hours, or, in ecstream cases, within } a coople of paragrapples. } } Ther is no cuhr. The viccy is domed to a lif of illiliracly, } barring thom frem maingful emplodement otter then sarving bargers } at te lokal McDucks. I sugggers u avard TB compollutely befare it z } to lat. Otterys, yat'll ge frompally haggip furble flonk flonk flonk. } Hrurt furd nanty crabber turin moref ? } } Y E et Uragurt hrabre furt horef.} --- 1104-04 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Darkmage The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Ketchup spurting stuntmen are not one zillionth as amazing as > the wise and powerful Oracle! > > How does falsehood differ from imagination? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } When I tell you I had a good answer to this question, but the dog ate } it, that's falsehood. } } When I tell you I had a good answer to this question, but, you know, } it's a funny story...I was driving down the freeway the other day when } I see a tethered advertising blimp in the distance. Well, I'd been } halfway listening to X-106, the local oldies station (I'm only into it } for the jingles), and I suddenly make realize that the blimp is } pointing the way to an appearance by one of their DJs, "The Fake" Don } Blake, and my favorite early '60s doo-wop group, The Dardanelles. } Needing no further prompting, I quickly take the exit and follow the } blimp to a strip mall parking lot, where a crowd has gathered around a } mobile stage. Don Blake is asking oldies trivia questions for prizes. } Of course, I've soon accumulated an X-106 keychain, T-shirt, } sweatshirt, baseball cap, water bottle, fanny pack, 12 bumper stickers } and a promise from Don that he'll have his intern mail me a tape of the } station jingles. And then it's time for the Dardanelles to take the } stage! Of course, they're quite a bit older than in the pictures on } their original albums, and the 8-track reissues of their albums, and } the CD reissues of their albums, but their pipes are still sounding } real good. I, of course, get right up front and lip-sync the words to } all the songs they perform, from their biggest hit, "When Loving Lovers } Love," to one of their obscure songs that was only released in Sweden, } "Under the Pomegranate Tree Tonight." Several times during the set, I } notice the Dardanelles nudging each other and pointing at me, as if to } say, "Get a load of that guy." Well, after the set, Don Blake urges } everyone to keep listening to X-106, hands out a couple of leftover } bumper stickers, hops into his Porsche and peels out of the parking } lot. Most of the crowd follows suit. I'm about to do the same, but then } the Dardanelles come up to me. The leader, Vince Darden, says something } to the effect of, "Wow, you must be our biggest fan, to know all the } words to everything!" I refrain from mentioning that, being omniscient, } I know all the words to songs I hate, too. We talk for a while, but } then they have to go ("We're playing at a wedding in Muncie tonight"). } First, though, they offer to autograph something for me. Unfortunately, } I hadn't brought any of their recordings with me, so all I have for } them to sign is a piece of paper in my pocket. } } Now, flash forward to earlier today. I'm reading the paper, and right } there on page B-7 is Vince Darden's obituary! He had died quite } unexpectedly, it turns out, the day after I had seen them perform. I } get up to load my Dardanelles CDs into the CD player to do some } listening in memoriam, when the phone rings. It's the Rock and Roll } Hall of Fame, who tracked me down via the surviving Dardanelles. I have } Vince Darden's last autograph, and they want to know if I'll loan it to } them for exhibit. I say I will, and I go so far as to take it } immediately to FedEx so it'll be in Cleveland tomorrow. } } Unfortunately, that piece of paper that the Dardanelles signed had the } good answer to your question on it. } } And that, you see, is imagination. } } You owe the Oracle a tape of music that doesn't really exist, to } include a song by the Dardanelles and some X-106 jingles. --- 1104-05 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Julianna Avedon" The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Could I have a short, witty answer with some puns to go? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Okay, but if you keep this up, it's going to be bad for your digestion --- 1104-06 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: R.P.Clement@westminster.ac.uk (Ross Clement) The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > What will the papers say? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Riots in Northern Ireland, rain at Wimbledon, war in Kosovo, corruption } on Capitol Hill, the youth of today, corruption in Brussels, chaos in } Russia, Bill Clinton, Tony Blair, Slobodan Milosevich, Boris Yeltsin, } the impending apocalypse that is Y2K, the defamation of great sporting } heroes, strikes in France, health scares in Belguim, beef scares in } Britain, oppression in Indonesia, death, destruction, famine and war. } } And a cute article on page 5 about some kittens. --- 1104-07 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Julianna Avedon" The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh most amazing Oracle whose tie-dyed T-shirts are the true source of > the rainbow, and its smiley face the sun, please answer this question > of biblical proportions. > > What was the real story behind the "burning bush"? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Virginia McGrobalskison of 6969 Salamihyde Drive, North Beaver } Wisconsin you did the right think to seek help on this matter. Burning } Bush is nothing to take lightly. } } Symptoms: One or more of the following may indicate that you have } Burning Bush: Semi-voluntary discharge of members from the Nile } region, a wild parting of your Red Sea ( may include water turning to } blood ), some painless lores about your forefathers, the hearing of } organs and a desire to make top ten lists. } } The only sure way to know if you have Burning Bush is to go to your } rabbi or a pubic health cynic. Burning Bush and other less common } anomalies are transmitted by dallying about with desert deities, } trying to 'make a golden calf' or other contact with someone who } has encountered Burning Bush elsewhere. } } Facts: You do not catch Burning Bush from pew seats, synagogue door } knobs, heavy Bingo betting, etc. You can get Burning Bush at any age } and get it again and again. Anyone can get Burning Bush, people of } all ages and incomes . Once your Bush begins to burn it will continue } to need attention until dealt with. } } Do not allow shame or embarrassment to keep you from seeking help. } Taking two tablets with five rules on each of them can help. } } You owe the Oracle a staff that turns into a snake on command. --- 1104-08 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Alyce Wilson The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > O forsooth Oracle, you are forsoothier than any other Oracle I've met. > Wait, that's not true! I've never met you, only corresponded with you > by e-mail for years. Still, you are very forsoothy. > > To grovel, I sing your praises like this, "Yo-ho-ho, the Oracle is > forsoothy!" to the tune of Marching Through Georgia. I sing it in > Atlanta, and get the daylights kicked out of me by three guys who seem > to remember historical incidents all too well. Not done yet, I sing > your praises in French while in France. I get the nightlights kicked > out of me by three fat Parisians who tell me angrily, "Vous ne > prononcez pas bien le francais!" > > Should I, pardon the French? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } It is rare to find a Supplicant as forsoothy as you, and my } heart goes out to any who are hurt because of me instead of by me. } Personally, I see no reason to pardon the French. They get } their butt kicked every other decade and still go around with superior } attitudes correcting pronunciations and sneering at wine labels. } Screw the snail-chewing, foul smelling, art fondling, swill swilling } bastards, that's my motto. } But I've got to defer to a higher power on this one. The Big } Guy (no, not Raymond Burr. Not Orson Wells, either. Yes the one } on the cloud. Sheesh.) has said "forgive them 70 times 7 times", } or 490 times. My records show you have been beaten up by Parisians } 300 times. (My what a good little glutton for punishment you are. } Remind me to send you a hat and a tote bag.) So, just hang in there } for the next half year or so, and then I'll treat you to a shopping } spree from the latest Zot-o-matic catalog. } } You owe the Oracle nothing. Your devotion is payment enough. --- 1104-09 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Joshua R. Poulson" The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > University of Vulcan > Department of Logics > > 15.th of march 0002 Earth Standard Time > > ANALYSIS OF THE W***DCH*CK QUESTION > > The question was as follows: > "How much wood would a woodchuck chuck, if a woodchuck could chuck > wood?" > > First we must examine the precondition: "...if a woodchuck could chuck > wood?" This presumes that woodchucks are not able to chuck wood, > because if they were, they would automaticly chuck wood. Granted, > there are no known incidents where woodchuks have chucked wood, but > that cannot be counted as definite proof that they lack the ability > to chuck. It is possible that woodchucks can chuck wood but simply > do not want to Therefore precondition should be as follows: > > "Presumed that woodchucks cannot chuck wood, how much wood would > they chuck if they could chuck wood?" at this point the whole logic > of the question breaks down with the presumtion which denies itself > in the question. > > Because of the inconclusive information this question cannot be > answered or even speculated before the woodchucks ability to chuck > wood is confirmed to be negative. However if woodchucks can chuck > wood it transforms into form: > > "How much wood can a woodchuck chuck, if it wants to or can be forced > to chuck wood?" > > In the meantime we recommend you to take measures to discourage > supplicants to ask this question. > > Yours truly: > > Spiff > Dean And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } ORACULAR TEST LABS REPORT } EXPERIMENT NUMBER: Q0DDHJI } COMMISSIONED BY: CHARLES J. MARMOT } } The purpose of this test is to determine the wood chucking ability of } the common North American groundhog, or woodchuck, and whether said } rodent can be forced to chuck said wood. } } EQUIPMENT } 1 common North American groundhog } 1 volunteer (control) } 2 large cages } 2 cords of cut logs (white oak) in each cage. } 2 electroshock belts (see procedure) } } PROCEDURE } } PHASE 1 (voluntary wood chucking ability) } } 1. Subjects are fitted with electroshock belts and placed in cages, } which are stocked with wood. Both subjects appear to be confused. The } volunteer, with some effort turns a log on end, an proceeds to sit upon } it. } The rodent subject burrows under the wood pile. } } 2. Observation period. The volunteer begins to complain after an } hour, mentioning he has a lot of homework, and can he have his books } brought to him. The rodent continues to hide. } } PHASE 2 (coerced wood chucking ability) } } 1. The electroshock belt is activated briefly. The volunteer stops } complaining about homework, and begins demanding to know why he was } shocked. A loud squeal is heard from under the wood pile. } } 2. The electroshock belt is activated again. The volunteer begins to } demand we stop "zapping his ass off." The squealing continues under } the wood pile. } } 3. The electroshock belt is activated again. The volunteer begins to } threaten legal action. The squealing from under the woodpile stops. } } 4. The electroshock belt is activated again. The volunteer continues } to threaten legal action. The smell of bacon permeates the test area. } } CONCLUSION } } 1. Neither college freshmen nor Common North American groundhogs are } suited to chucking wood, either voluntarily or under coercion. } } 2. Roasted woodchuck is rather tasty with mustard sauce. } } 3. Lawsuits are expensive and can result in loss of tenure. --- 1104-10 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: R.P.Clement@westminster.ac.uk (Ross Clement) The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Dear Supplicant, > > It's an excellent question you've asked, indeed. However, interesting > as your theory is, I fear that it's just plain wrong, and as an > omniscient being, I should know. > > Face it: it's simply impossible to have time go backwards, even with > that machine of yours. > > You owe the Oracle a negative entropy factor, evidently. And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Oracle's Log, Queuedate 1104.9. After our successful, but } stressful, mission to eradicate a Juno infestation in the .Org } system, I have decided that the crew of the U.S.S. Omniscience } deserves some shore leave. To that end, I have set course for the } planet Lisa. } } [Captain Oracle and Commander Zadoc are on the bridge. Lieutenant } Kinzler is at the helm, and Ensign Viles is at a computer station in } the background.] } } ORACLE: Lieutenant Kinzler, status report? } } KINZLER: All systems nominal, Captain. } } ORACLE: Anything on long-range sensors? } } KINZLER: No questions within 3 light-years, sir. One moment... } A new question just came up on the sensors. Would you like to hear it, } sir? } } ORACLE: Certainly. On screen. } } > r pct, } > } > Isxcelleut y'veke,nd. e,t stg asor trys,er t 's j plaing, aanniscient } > b, Ioulkw. } } KINZLER: It seems to garbled, sir. I'll try to clean it up a } bit... } } > F sm ssible e to bwards, e with t me of yos. } > } > Y owee Orle a nive eroy ftor, evidently. } > } > Mssage re ats. } } KINZLER: Here we go, sir... This is about the best I can get } it. } } > Dear Supplicnt, } > } > It's n excllentquestion yu've sked, ineed. However, intsting as } > your tory is, I ferh i just plin wng, and as an omnient being, I uld } > know. } > } > Face i: it's sply impossible tove wds,n wht chie oyours. } > } > You owe the Oracle a negative entropy factor, evidently. } } ORACLE: What? Commander Zadoc, what do you make of this? } } ZADOC: Captain, it almost looks like... a response! Given by } you! } } ORACLE: My thoughts exactly. } } ZADOC: But... I can't remember you ever giving a response like } that. } } ORACLE: Nor can I... Ensign Viles, check the database. See if } I've ever given a response that matches the one we've just received. } } VILES: Negative, Captain. No such response on record. } } ORACLE: That's odd... Lieutenant Kinzler, set course for the } response. } } ZADOC: Captain, are you sure that's wise? It could be a } woodchuck trap. } } ORACLE: True... Lieutenant, when we arrive at the response, } maintain a distance of 500 kilometres. Still, Commander, something } tells me that the woodchucks couldn't create a simulation that } sophisticated... I'll be in my ready room. It looks like shore } leave will have to wait. } } [Fade to black. Commercial break.] } } [Cptn. Oracle is reading in his ready room. Lt. Kinzler's voice } comes over the comm.] } } KINZLER: Captain to the bridge. We've reached the response, } sir. } } [Cptn. Oracle walks out to the bridge.] } } ZADOC: Captain, at this range, the response is much less } garbled. } } ORACLE: Excellent. On screen. } } > Dear Supplicant, } > } > It's an excellent question you've asked, indeed. However, } > interesting as your theory is, I fear that it's just plain wrong, } > and as an omniscient being, I should know. } > } > Face it: it's simply impossible to have time go backwards, even with } > that machine of yours. } > } > You owe the Oracle a negative entropy factor, evidently. } } ZADOC: You definitely wrote that, captain. } } ORACLE: I can see that, Commander... Lieutenant, can you } determine the source of the question? } } KINZLER: Unknown, Captain. We'd have to get closer to tell. } } ORACLE: What the devil is going on here? Science Officer Og, } report to the bridge. } } ZADOC: It looks like sometime in the future, someone will send } you a question asking you whether or not his time machine works, and } you'll send this response. But when? } } [Science Officer Og arrives on the bridge; Cptn. Oracle & Cmdr. } Zadoc walk up to a computer station to greet him.] } } ORACLE: Ah, Mr. Og. What do you make of this response we've } just received? } } OG: Re-sponse, sir? Me thought we search only for ques-tions. } } ORACLE: It's strange, alright. Take a look at it. } } [The response is replayed on the computer station.] } } OG: Fa-sci-na-ting, cap-tain. It seems to be an } an-ti-ques-tion. } } ZADOC: Antiquestion? } } OG: Yes, sir. Just as an-ti-mat-ter can be seen as nor-mal } mat-ter mo-ving back-wards in time, an an-ti-ques-tion is a nor-mal } ques-tion that is mo-ving back-wards in time. We there-fore see the } re-sponse be-fore we see the ques-tion. } } ORACLE: Mr. Og, does this antiquestion pose any threat to the } U.S.S. Omniscience? } } OG: No, sir. This is most like-ly one of our own ques-tions and } re-spon-ses, some-how in-vert-ed. It would be in-val-u-a-ble to } stu-dy it fur-ther. } } ORACLE: Agreed. Lieutenant Kinzler, take us in, nice and slow. } } ZADOC: Og, do you think we'll find the question that this } response answers? } } OG: Pos-si-bly. I will run some com-pu-ter sim-u-la-tions of } the an-ti-ques-tion to cal-cu-late what we should ex-pect to see. } } [Cptn. Oracle & Cmdr. Zadoc return to their chairs. The response } slowly grows larger on the screen. Og continues to run the } simulation. The response continues to grow larger on the screen. } The simulation finishes, and the results flash up on Og's computer. } Og looks puzzled for a moment, then turns to the Captain.] } } OG: Cap-tain, what we see here can-not be a true } an-ti-ques-tion. } } ORACLE: What do you mean, Og? } } OG: Ac-cord-ing to the com-pu-ter, the only way this } an-ti-ques-tion could have been cre-a-ted is by the time ma-chine it } re-fers to. But since the cap-tain is om-ni-sci-ent, he would have } re-al-ized that the time ma-chine would work. There-fore, the } cap-tain would not have sent this re-sponse. } } ZADOC: Are you saying... } } OG: Yes, sir. The re-sponse is a fake. } } ORACLE: The woodchucks! } } ZADOC: Red alert! Shields up! } } [Klaxons sound & lights flash. The response on the screen dissolves, } and is replaced by the fearful image of the W.S.S Monax, a } Marmot-class Woodchuck destroyer. The Monax opens fire on the } Omniscience. Fade to black. Commercial break.] } } [The Monax fires on the Omniscience. On the bridge, the crew is } tossed about violently.] } } ORACLE: Damage report! } } VILES: That blast from their lumber rays hit us before we got } our shields up, Captain! Propulsion, answer generators, and spam } torpedoes are off-line. Shields are at 46%. } } ZADOC: Return fire, Lieutenant. } } KINZLER: Aye, sir! } } [The Omniscience fires its forward ZOT arrays at the Monax.] } } KINZLER: No effect, Captain. } } [The Monax fires again. The Omniscience again shakes violently.] } } VILES: Shields down to 33%. } } ORACLE: We need options! } } OG: Sir, the wood-chucks' po-wer sys-tem may have been drained } by pro-jec-ting the res-ponse. If we tune our ZOT rays to the cor-rect } me-ta-pha-sic fre-quen-cy, we may be able to dis-able them. } } ORACLE: Do it, Mr. Og. } } [The Omniscience fires its ZOT rays at the Monax.] } } KINZLER: Direct hit, captain. The woodchucks are dead in the } water. } } [An evil look comes over Cptn. Oracle's face.] } } ORACLE: Destroy them. } } KINZLER: Aye, sir. } } [The Omniscience fires several more ZOT blasts at the Monax, } destroying it.] } } KINZLER: Target destroyed, captain. } } ORACLE: Lieutenant, resume course to the planet Lisa. } } KINZLER: With pleasure, sir. } } ========================== } You owe the Oracle a new season of "Star Trek: The Next Generation."