From oracle-request@cs.indiana.edu Wed Jun 9 00:30:48 1999 Received: (from daemon@localhost) by moose.cs.indiana.edu (8.9.3/8.9.3/IUCS_2.28) id AAA12231; Wed, 9 Jun 1999 00:10:13 -0500 (EST) Date: Wed, 9 Jun 1999 00:10:13 -0500 (EST) From: Internet Oracle Message-Id: <199906090510.AAA12231@moose.cs.indiana.edu> To: oracle-list@cs.indiana.edu Subject: Internet Oracularities #1100 Reply-To: oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu X-Face: )/f9dPAX/dU$1Z!U(/?A PiIJvIOtcN@L.>6,2OKd."T#S7b*{feRf.Kns23^P9.Ak{GdWWv]0*1E}RJ)_idU:(5VkN*_+bB kyrnLfC12B>V/q=z32:05`EcAd.!z#3k]h)O!ZU^E"f`@),(2WT X-Planation: X-Face can be viewed with ftp.cs.indiana.edu:/pub/faces. === 1100 ================================================================= Title: Internet Oracularities #1100 Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler Date: Wed, 9 Jun 1999 00:10:13 -0500 (EST) To find out all about the Internet Oracle (TM), including how to participate, send mail to oracle@cs.indiana.edu with the word "help" in the subject line. ("Internet Oracle" is a trademark of Stephen B Kinzler.) Let us know what you like! Send your ratings of these 10 Oracularities on an integer scale of 1 ("very poor") to 5 ("very good") with the volume number to oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu (probably just reply to this message). For example: 1100 2 1 3 4 3 5 3 3 4 1 1095 75 votes Al945 8ibhl 18otd 5lgr6 6rlg5 2kyg3 2eojg 8jgq6 8pod5 5rsb4 1095 3.0 mean 1.9 3.3 3.6 3.1 2.8 3.0 3.4 3.0 2.8 2.8 --- 1100-01 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: MCHEVALIER@WELLESLEY.EDU The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oracle most medically informed, > > I just heard today that everyone has at least one book in them. Do I > need an operation to have it removed? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } In your case, yes. You have one of those small books of postage stamps } (the previous rate, not the current one) wedged into the left hind } pocket of your pants. I'll perform an operation to remove it. } } You owe the oracle $6.40. --- 1100-02 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Darkmage The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > $grov > > $ques > > End of Internet Supplicities Digest #1099 > ****************************************** And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } $zot } } $tagline } } End of Internet Junoarities #1099 } ********************************* } } $off_topic_post } } $in_joke } } $python_ripCaretHCaretHCaretHquote } } $cascade_that_makes_Juno_users_look_funny } } $whining_about_above } } $whining_about_whining_about_above } } End of posts in rec.humor.oracle.d } ********************************** } } $profanity } } $Monica_joke_that_makes_RHOD_look_funny } } $profanity_directed_at_person_making_Monica_joke } } $profanity_directed_at_person_making_profane_remarks } } $flamewar } } $utter_crap } } $spam_for_FUNNEIST_WEBSITE_ON_TEH_NET } } End of posts in rec.humor } ************************* } } $clever_question } } $sidesplitting_answer } } End of priest's "trash" mail folder } *********************************** } } $another_clever_question_thrown_away } } $another_sidesplitting_answer_by_this_Incarnation_\ } _lparen__No_I_dont_mean_this_answer__rparen__thrown_away } } End of priest's life (I'm warning you...) } ***************************************** } } $boring_question } } $unfunny_answer } } $overused_and_pointless_joke } } End of Internet Oracularities Digest #xxxx } ****************************************** } } $boring_question_referring_to_recent_rec_humor_oracle_post } } $unfunny_answer_parodying_question } } $overused_and_pointless_joke_involving_recursion } } End of Internet Oracularities Digest #1100 --- 1100-03 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Alyce Wilson The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Master of all the Jedi, thou who art most strong with the Force, > I seek your wisdom. One of your Knight Priests (you know the one) > told me something I could scarcely comprehend, much less believe. > I thought perhaps he was only teasing me, as I am merely a young > Padawan apprentice. Now I doubt that this was the case, so I appeal > to you. Is it true that Senator Palpatine of Naboo is the same person > as Darth Sidious, Master of the Sith? I eagerly await your reply, > as your answer may influence which direction I turn next. > > Anakin And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Look Lucas, I agreed not to spill the beans on your paying of shills } to sit in lines for months as a PR stunt to push your comic book of } a movie. I agreed to not point out that the film had no plot. I even } went along with not drawing people's attention to how obviously the } horns on Maul are held to his head with used bubble gum. BUT trying } to use my digests as a freebie ad spot for your bloated waste of tape } is TOO MUCH. } } Be gone before I point out that the kid you hired acts worse than } Opie of Mayberry R.F.D. on a bad day. } } You owe me another half point of action or I'll go public with all } of this! --- 1100-04 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: surfbaud@waverider.co.uk (Dave Hemming) The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > O Oracle, thou who knows the wisdom of the ancients. > > Okay. I've got the cat, the dragon's tooth, the lizard's tail, water > from the spring of eternal youth, the volcanic ash, the eye of newt, > and, of course, the lead bar. > > *Now* will you tell me how to turn the bar into gold? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Well supplicant, the first thing you need to do, is come up with a } catchy name for your bar. Nothing kills a good business like a poorly } thought-out name. As a historical reference "Big Fat Guy's Salad Bar } and Tofu Palace" should have closed before it was even opened, or the } infamous "Don't ask us What You're Eating, You Don't Want to Know } Delicatessen." The food at these establishments was second-to-none, } but because the names turned peoples' stomachs, no one visited them. } } So, now we get back to your bar. I'm thinking that your idea of "Six } Things You Wouldn't Want to Eat, and a Mythical Drink" isn't the best } choice, but nice try. "Mystic Potions Inn" or "Ye Olde Witches } Brewery" might be better choices. Although, you would do yourself well } NOT to actually use any of those ingredients in your concoctions... } with the possible exception of the Fountain of Youth Water. If you } wanted to concentrate on one of the ingredients listed above, you could } use any of them as names with similar success. } } Here's some ideas for the type of bar you could open with each of the } following bar names. } } "The Cat" - Obviously a 'Gentleman's Club' for the red light district } } "The Dragon's Tooth" - Good name for a bar near a tattoo parlor or a } Dentist's office... or both } } "The Lizard's Tail" - Could be either a 'Ladies Only' Club, or a Classy } lounge for polyester clad patrons by the name of Larry } } "Water from the Spring of Eternal Youth" - The name is a bit long, but } geriatrics could hang out here with the false pretense that they could } actually turn back the wretched hands of time. Muuaahahahaha! } } "The Volcanic Ash" - Not the best choice, but could be a 'Grunge Rock } Club' catering to the explosive habits of today's youth. Would also } work well as a Cappuccino House. Combine the two, and you've got a } Grungy Cappuccino Clubhouse for Rockers..... On second thought, I kinda } like it! } } "The Eye of Newt" - (snicker) A political satirist's bar if I've ever } heard of one. Pictures of Newt Gingrich in S&M Leather and chains } adorn every inch of every wall. (I snicker, because this is actually } one of Zadoc's most secret fantasies) } } "The Lead Bar" - Somewhat conceited, thinking that your bar is out } front, and in "the Lead," but this is exactly what attracts yuppies and } corporate ladder climbers. This bar has the potential of turning } incredible net profits, as you could charge enormous amounts of money } for drinks, and just call them "the best." Your patrons will pay more, } because "more expensive is better, right?" Read the other way, it } could be perceived as a hangout for radiologists.... Nope, go with the } first interpretation. } } Now that you have the Name, and the type of Bar decided upon, it's time } to open your business. If you really want to turn this bar into } "gold," you need to get the word out that your open. And remember the } 3 keys to successful business: } } 1) Advertise } 2) Advertise! } and } 3) ADVERTISE! } } (I know that some people say "location, location, location," but with } the proper advertising, location means SQUAT! People will come if they } think they're going to the best!) } } You need to hit EVERY type of media, but concentrate on TV and Radio. } No one has time to read the paper anymore, and magazines are ok for } Doctors' offices, but people forget what they saw in the waiting room } as soon as they leave. And take my advice, spend the money to get a } good advertising firm. Don't just have your uncle Bart bring his video } camera over and tape it for you. And by all means, with a face like } yours, KEEP YOURSELF OUT of the advertisements. } } I happen to know of a great advertising agency T.I.O. Enterprises, Inc. } d.b.a. 'Advertisements Are Us!' (see catchy title isn't it). They } charge exorbitantly high amounts of money, but they guarantee to do } everything that any other advertising agency would have done - only } they'll charge you more (it MUST be better if you're paying more, } right). } } After the doors are open, you need to keep people coming back, so } service is a must! Again, T.I.O.E.Inc. has a subsidiary company that } can help you out: 'Waitrons Are Us!' With the advent of successful } cloning, we^h^hthey have been able to produce carbon copies of Lisa and } can export them anywhere (for a price!). Guaranteed to make your } guests' visit a "pleasure." (and trust me, they WILL come back for } more!) } } A clean atmosphere is also good, 'Butlers Are Us!' (T.I.O.E.Inc.) can } help you out there. Sniveling reproductions of Zadoc come prepackaged } ready to clean even the slimiest of bathrooms, and the deluxe model } will do so while groveling at your feet. } } If your bar is 'out-of-the-way' you may need a shuttle service to bring } your patrons to you (or to bring them home if your establishment is of } an alcoholic nature). 'Cabbies Are Us!' delivers with DNA } reproductions of Og. Sure, they're a little "rough around the edges" } but they get the job done, and provide a safe trip for your customers } as well (Og can do some pretty amazing things with a spikey club when } threatened). } } Well supplicant, there - in a somewhat largish nutshell - is how you } can turn your bar into "Gold." Any further questions regarding this } should be forwarded with prepayment to T.I.O.E.Inc. 'Answers Are Us!' } } You owe The Internet Oracle Enterprises, Inc. 40% of your gross profit } for the next 3 millennia, payable up front... send check to T.I.O.E.Inc } 'Accountants Are Us!' --- 1100-05 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Rich McGee The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh great Oracle who is stronger than many many Neanderthals. > > Who lives on Mercury? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Hmmm, On Freddie? Just worms, just worms. } } You owe the Oracle a Bohemian Rhapsody. --- 1100-06 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Mike Nolan The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh great Oracle who shines more brightly than gold. > > Is it true that The USA and Great Britain are actually the same they > just appear to be different countries because of errors in the map? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Speaking as a Britcarnation, I have to say that's the feeblest attempt } by Americans to get their hands on our culture I've heard yet. } } Look, sunshine, you lot had your chance to be Great and British, but } you blew it with that idiotic Revolutionary War of yours. What was that } all about, eh? So now all you've got to show for yourselves are Paul } Revere, Ulysses S. Grant and half a dozen Western outlaws. Well, don't } think you can come sneaking back here to get your hands on our } Boadicea, Canute, Lady Godiva, Richard the Lionheart, Black Prince, } Walter Raleigh, Dick Turpin and Queen Victoria now, with pathetic } stories about errors in maps. You're not fooling anyone but yourselves. } } No, you're just going to have to get some history of your own now, and } it'll take you a couple of centuries at least. More, if you don't get } yourselves some memorable leaders. I mean, take the following list of } kings of England: which do you recognise? } } Ecbert } Aethelwulf } Aethelbald } Aethelbert } Alfred } Eadmund } Eadred } Edwy } } Alfred, right? Because he beat the Danes and burnt the cakes. All the } rest of them did bugger all. So who in 1000 years is going to remember } Carter, Ford, Reagan, Bush and Slick Willy? If you want to start making } some history for yourselves, vote for Pat Robertson in 2000. He'll have } to do until another Caligula comes along. } } You owe the Oracle an explanation of how you would attempt to deal with } a mabinogion, a wapentake and a venomous bead. --- 1100-07 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: David Sewell The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oracle, my darling, > > Once upon a time, the Scots were mad, bold men who ran wild south of > the border, killing peasants, raping sheep and generally terrifying > the English. > > Now they're principally noted for having a Parliament more boring than > New Labour. What happened ? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Have you seen how ugly the sheep in England are nowadays? --- 1100-08 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Alyce Wilson The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh Oracle whose great knowledge is indistinguishable from magic, > please do me the favor of testing my prognostication abilities. > > Pick a Card, any card! And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Supplicant: Hey, Orrie! Pick a card, any card! } Orrie: Okay. } Supplicant: Is your card the Ace of Spades? } Orrie: No... } Supplicant: Is your card the Queen of Hearts? } Orrie: No... } Supplicant: Is your card the Two of Clubs? } } } } Orrie: No... } Supplicant: But I've named all the cards, including jokers! What card } did you draw? } Orrie: The "To order the Hoyle Rulebook for 1000 card games, send } $19.95 to Hoyle Games Ltd, New York, New York, 00012" Card. You lose, } supplicant! } } According to Hoyle, you owe the Oracle a hand of 52 pick up. --- 1100-09 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Alyce Wilson The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > John Cage? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Like many of the greatest inventors in the packaging industry-- } including such notables as as Joseph Box, Franklin Duffel, Simon P. } Can, and Sarah L. Overhead Compartment-- John Cage suffered from } exceptional hubris, and named his supreme creation, a product } developed to ease the containment and transport of living creatures, } after himself. } } The most famous of Cage's contemporaries, Phillip Glass, had a } similarly enlarged ego gland, as it were, and named his revolutionary } transparent product after himself. His daughter, Patricia Fiber-Glass, } similarly looked to her surname when labeling her slight revision of } her famous progenitor's product. --- 1100-10 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Julianna Avedon" The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh Orrie most sexy; > > I've got a feeling, I've got a bit of an inkling, this is going to > be one of those days. How can I make it one of these days instead? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } You are indeed correct -- it is going to be one of those days. Before } I answer your question, let me offer you some of today's highlights: } } 10:00 - } } You arrive at work an hour late. That's not to say you don't enjoy } your job -- you may only be an Assistant Paper Shuffler and Pen } Twiddler at SlimeCorp, but you are a *well-paid* Assistant Paper } Shuffler and Pen Twiddler. [Don't you mean "manager"? -Z] [No, then } I would have left out the "Paper Shuffler" part. -O] The Chief Web } Surfer and Solitaire Player in your division berates you, and you } realize that one more wrong move will get your butt canned. } } 12:00 - } } In an attempt to play a practical joke on a "friend" of yours, you } forge a cross-post to the entire alt.binaries.pictures.erotica } hierarchy containing a request for "RELY HOT NOOD PIX", as well as } explicit descriptions of several acts which I will not even attempt to } detail here. (Really, though, an *EEL*?! I mean, I'm not exactly an } easily offended deity, but one has to draw the line somewhere...) The } highly elaborate forgery offers no clues as to its origin, save the } fact that it includes your twenty-eight-line signature, complete with } the official SlimeCorp logo and slogan ("Slime: It does a lawyer } good"). Needless to say, this qualifies as "one more wrong move". } } 12:01 - } } Your online lover reads the above-mentioned post, and sends you an } email detailing just how relieved she is that you aren't really named } "Don", since "she" isn't really named "Loretta" either. } } 14:19 - } } Due to an unfortunate similarity between your address and that of drug } lord Guido "The Intranym" Afuisti, your three bedroom house is raided } by several hundred heavily armed agents from the DEA, BATF, NSA and } several other TLAs. (No, it isn't a conspiracy -- in fact nearly } everyone is surprised to see the NSA show up, considering that most } geeky crypto types can't even aim, never mind operate, a weapon.) } While the men-with-guns apologize for the error, they point out that, } as is clearly stated in the new "Get Tough on Crime" laws passed } overwhelmingly by the voters, they cannot be held liable for anything } they do, including, just to give a few random examples here, burning } your house down, pulverizing your car, and shooting your dog. } } Unable to afford a lawyer, you attempt to enlist the help of the ACLU, } but they inform you that they can't be bothered with trivial Fourth } Amendment matters such as these, with all the crosses being placed } near public parks and other similar Crimes Against Humanity being } committed, so why don't you just go f--- yourself, okay? The NRA is } willing to take action, provided that you can prove that you owned at } least fifteen semiautomatic assault rifles prior to the incident with } the BATF. No other political organization with any power offers shows } any interest, as you happen to be one of those godless heathen } Northern Baptists, as opposed to a One True Southern Baptist. } } 23:38 - } } Despondent over the events of the day, and also over the fact that, } had I responded to your question earlier, all of this could have been } avoided, you finally snap and go on a shooting- } } No ... that can't be right. I'm responding to your question at this } very moment. [Checks message headers] Oh, , it would appear } that the queue was, er, backed up over the past few days, and that I, } er, I *meant* to write: } } You are indeed correct -- it is going to be one of those days. It'll } be just like yesterday, in fact, except that weather will be a bit } hotter, and the country music a bit louder. Oh, and to answer your } question, you might as well forget about changing the outcome of } today, or any other day for the rest of eternity, for that matter. } This is, after all, called "Bakersfield", I mean "Hell", for a reason. } } For reasons which must be painfully obvious by now, what you owe the } Oracle doesn't exactly matter anymore.