From oracle-request@cs.indiana.edu Fri Feb 26 14:49:57 1999 Received: (from daemon@localhost) by sunos.cs.indiana.edu (8.8.7/8.8.7/IUCS_2.21) id OAA21698; Fri, 26 Feb 1999 14:49:57 -0500 (EST) Date: Fri, 26 Feb 1999 14:49:57 -0500 (EST) From: Internet Oracle Message-Id: <199902261949.OAA21698@sunos.cs.indiana.edu> To: oracle-list@cs.indiana.edu Subject: Internet Oracularities #1079 Reply-To: oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu X-Face: )/f9dPAX/dU$1Z!U(/?A PiIJvIOtcN@L.>6,2OKd."T#S7b*{feRf.Kns23^P9.Ak{GdWWv]0*1E}RJ)_idU:(5VkN*_+bB kyrnLfC12B>V/q=z32:05`EcAd.!z#3k]h)O!ZU^E"f`@),(2WT X-Planation: X-Face can be viewed with ftp.cs.indiana.edu:/pub/faces. === 1079 ================================================================= Title: Internet Oracularities #1079 Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler Date: Fri, 26 Feb 1999 14:49:57 -0500 (EST) To find out all about the Internet Oracle (TM), including how to participate, send mail to oracle@cs.indiana.edu with the word "help" in the subject line. ("Internet Oracle" is a trademark of Stephen B Kinzler.) Let us know what you like! Send your ratings of these 10 Oracularities on an integer scale of 1 ("very poor") to 5 ("very good") with the volume number to oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu (probably just reply to this message). For example: 1079 2 1 3 4 3 5 3 3 4 1 1074 72 votes 4oqd5 7erg8 46frk iqdd2 1kqk5 3gsl4 68uhb 6ioh7 nbiaa 6kihb 1074 3.0 mean 2.9 3.1 3.7 2.4 3.1 3.1 3.3 3.0 2.6 3.1 --- 1079-01 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Julianna Avedon" The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > 0h, wise Orac|3, wHo kn0wZ tHe s3crEt id3nt1tY of b1ff, > > iT s33Mz I'M stucK 1n |Am3r mOde. Iz ThEir any way I can correcT > THE proBl3m? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } From: Oracle Research Labs } To: The Smithsonian Institution, Department of Loser Studies } Re: Anthropological Evidence of Second-Generaton Loserhood } } Oracle Research Labs has uncovered the enclosed message: } } > 0h, wise Orac|3, wHo kn0wZ tHe s3crEt id3nt1tY of b1ff, } > } > iT s33Mz I'M stucK 1n |Am3r mOde. Iz ThEir any way I can correcT } > THE proBl3m? } } In the wild, no "lameus poserus" (commonly known as B1FF) sighting } has been reported since the timely death of BITNET. There has been } widespread destruction of B1FF's habitat, since IRC has been largely } replaced by pornographic web sites, which offer easier access to } B1FF's primary staple. } } Generally, B1FF has been replaced by the common surfer, a species with } a similar lameness profile but far less aggressive. The common surfer } (especially subspecies AOLamer) is largely unaware of USENET. } } The above evidence would imply that B1FF has not yet become extinct. } This would be exciting news, since it would enable the community to } pin precise blame for the Y2K mess. } } Although this author's thesis that B1FF is responsible for Y2K has } not been widely accepted, it is crucial to look at the facts. First, } B1FF's presence on early computer systems implies that he must have } been a computer programmer. Second, B1FF's conception of the Right } Way clearly suggests that he was as incompetent at programming. } Third, his observed tendency towards upper case points to an IBM, } punched-card mentality. Finally, and most damning, an idiotic acronym } like Y2K could have been conceived only by B1FF. } } Although we wish to believe that the race of B1FF has not become } extinct (he is widely believed to have become a middle manager at } Computer Associates or Wang), this evidence is not what it appears } to be. Observe: } } * The proper use of the silent k and w in "knowz". } * Punctuation. } * A fully-formed grovel. } * The message is first-order; it is not a response to any other message, } and it doesn't quote any other message. } } We therefore propose this bold thesis: } } We have uncovered not an actual intance if "lameus poserus", the } lame poser, but an unrelated species "poserus lameus", the poser } lamer poser! } } Although we believe this species to be rare, we believe that it } should not be given protected status. In fact, we propose that it be } placed on the "endangered" list, with the intention of endangering } it as quickly as possible. Shooting is too good for this species, } although it is an acceptable alternative. } } WARNING: Do not apply open flame! When trapped in a flame war, it } is expected that this species, using both its B1FF camouflage and } its late-90's spamming software, will retaliate in force. } } Please publish this article in the Journal of Lameness Studies as } quickly as possible. } } Signed, } T.U. Oracle } } P.S. You owe the Oracle the poser's computer, which is undoubtedly nicer } than B1FF's Atari 800. --- 1079-02 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Dr. Noe The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oracle Most Wise; > > I ran across this bit of info the other day: > > The `iron coffin of Lissa'; > > The prisoner was laid in the coffin, and saw the iron lid creep > slowly down with almost imperceptible movement - slowly, silently, > but surely; on, on it came with relentless march, till, after > lingering days and nights in suspense, the prisoner was at last as > slowly crushed by the iron lid pressing on him. > > Does this have anything to do with The Lady Of the Temple, -your- Lisa? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Not quite. You see, our Lisa is famous for "The Iron Coffee of Lisa". } Unlucky visitors to the palace (are there any other type) are slowly } laid in a chair, and Lisa gives them a cup of coffee. The coffee, being } thicker than anything other liquid known to mankind slowly makes its } way down the visitor's oseophagus with almost imperceptible movement - } slowly, silently, but surely; down, down, it goes with a relentless } march, till, after lingering days and nights in constipation, the } visitor is, at last, able to resume bodily functions as per normal. } } You owe The Oracle some coffee lightener. And, no, I don't mean a } whitener, I mean lightener! --- 1079-03 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: surfbaud@waverider.co.uk (Dave Hemming) The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Dearest Oracle, who smells better than goat cheese, > how come there are fewer and fewer appearances of Zadoc > in the Oracularities? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Don't mourn Zadoc, dear supplicant, he has simply ascended to a higher } level. Instead of being an oracularity regular, he has achieved the } status of Legend. He has moved out of the palace, and has taken up } residence at the Legends' Lodge. } } So he won't be around as much, but when he is, it will be a more elite } appearance, a nostalgic, insider reference intended to give those who } remember him a fond chuckle and make those who do not feel excluded and } unworthy. } } Come to think of it, though, I miss the old guy myself, a bit. Let me } give him a call ... } } *ring*ring* } } Legends' L--OW!-- Lodge ... Zadoc speaking ... } } Zadoc? How's it going, old fella? Did I catch you at a bad } time? } } Orrie! My God am I--OW! Stoppit!--glad to hear from you! } You've got to get me out of here, I can't take it ... } } What on earth is going on over there? What's that sound? } } It's the lemurs, sir ... they won't leave the bright red } Siamese fighting fish in the tank, they keep digging them out and --OW! } Cutitout!!-- hurling them at each other! The air is thick with them, } sir! Between that and the --OW!!-- w**dchucks and their constant } chucking, it's awful here, sir, and the stench! Let me come home ... } } Where's Joel Furr? Aren't the lemurs his responsibility? } } Oh HIM ... no one can get his attention away from Og-wa these } days, it seems he's really found a--OW!-- soulmate. But she at least } used to --OW!-- tidy the place, and now ... please, sir, can't I come } back to the--OW!-- palace? } } Og-wa!! But that's not poss-- even Furr couldn't get away with } that right under Og's nose ... } } Og doesn't seem to care, sir, ever since Kendai and--OW!! } Thatsenough!!-- my twin brother Zodoc introduced him to Zork, he spends } all his --OW!-- time at the TRS-80! That's what drove Og-wa to Furr in } the first place, sir ... please, let me come back ... I don't like } being a legend ... } } Good lord. It's worse than I imagined. } } It's --OW!-- horrible, sir ... and frankly, we're all a little } bitter that Lisa gets to stay at the palace. } } Did it suddenly get quiet over there? } } *whispering* Yes sir ... I said her name too loud, they're all } staring and Kendai's coming ove-- } } Orrie Bay-BEE! Kendai here ... so what gives. You put } several adult males in a room with one UG-lee woman and several small, } furry animals. Meanwhile you get to chill at the palace with the TRUE } legend of the oracularities. *mutterings of agreement in the } background* We want Lisa, Orrie, give her up, man! } } Ahh ... so you've figured it out, Kendai ... clever of you. By } the way, you should have seen what Lisa came up with for Valentine's } Day. Amazing what that woman can do with a paper doily and a can of } silly string ... } } *tortured* Orrie, come ON! Are you saying that the Legends' } Lodge is really a twisted, perverted scheme to torture w**dchucks?! } } No, no, of course not. That's just a lucky side-effect. No, } the Legends' Lodge is a scheme to keep you away from Lisa, plain and } simple. But, tell you what ... I'll send you Desiree. } } Desiwho? } } *whispering* play along, dummy ... they'll buy it, and you'll } get yourself a new legend! *speaking louder* Uh, Desiree, my original } priestess, remember? From the, uh, leather thong question from digest } twenty ... nine? } } Oh, DESiree ... yeah! Oooooh, YEAH! } } *smiling* Bye, guys ... } } *click* } } So, there you have it, supplicant ... Zadoc's fine. And if you want } him to be even MORE fine, you might want to come up with a few more } priestesses, and maybe a recurring janitor character. } } You owe the Oracle a few more paper doilies and another can of silly } string. --- 1079-04 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Mike Nolan The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Almighty and most literate Oracle, who has read all books in every > language, even those which are set on courses in English literature... > > Why was there never a sequel to Lord of the Flies? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Lord of the Flies -was- the sequel to Prince Maggot, which of course } was the second part of the Trilogy, the first part being Manure } Nursery. } } Three Flies of the uneven wings, under the sky } Seven near the dart boards, in their hallowed pubs } Nine near normal men, "do you what fries?" } and one for the Carcass Lord, on his rotting throne } in the land of Odor, where the vermin fly } } One Fly to Buzz them all, One Fly to speck them } One Fly to bring them all, and in the filth deposit them } in the land of Odor, where the vermin fly } } You owe the Oracle the latest buzz. --- 1079-05 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Otis Viles The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Tell me what can i do with my toothbrush? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Not a great deal. Most people would use at least a 3 iron for this } shot, even without the headwind. } } You owe The Oracle some tartan trousers and a matching cap. --- 1079-06 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Michael A. Atkinson" The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Why can't the Kiwi fly? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } -=-=-= Internet Oracle Newswire Service =-=-=- } "You'll get a charge out of IONS news!!" } } February 8, 1999 } } WORLD PANICKED OVER FLIGHTLESS KIWIS } ==================================== } } The scientific community was outraged Wednesday at the discovery } that Kiwis can not fly. Ecological experts have been unable to } state exactly the repercussions of this crisis. The Oracular } Priesthood has launched a massive investigation of the reason } for the Kiwi's grounded nature. Research teams from all points } of the globe have been mobilized under the direction of a person } known only as I. O. } } Rumors abound as researchers maim and slaughter countless Kiwis } in a desperate attempt to explain one of nature's oddest } creations. Formal speculation is being withheld due to a near } total lack of information. Filmore Cophens, President of the } Kiwi Investigation Organization, is projecting an answer as } early as February 16. } } In other news, commercial e-mail giant Prono List Enterprises } has come under fire from the United States' Federal Trade } Commission and Federal Communications Commission for their } "Secrets of the Kiwi" book promotions. The offer, which } involved an unknown number of e-mails offering the book US$59.95 } (plus 4.95 S&H), has been linked to the recent run on the } world's banks. } } Update: February 11, 1999 } } Early this morning, a small yellow moving van filled with } explosives was detonated in front of the headquarters of the } Kiwi Investigation Organization. The explosion did not damage } the building, but touched off fires that quickly swept the } complex, destroying everything. Fortunately no one was in the } building at the time. The Kiwi Liberation Front is claiming } responsibility. A spokesman for the KLF said, "It is wrong to } decimate a species for the sake of saving humanity." A press } release by the KIO stated that the bombing is not expected to } delay research. } } Update: February 17, 1999 } } At a press conference on Monday, President of the Kiwi } Investigation Organization, Filmore Cophens apologized for the } delay in research result. "No one showed up for work Monday," } Cophens explained, "everyone was attending a mass funeral for } the hundreds of Furbies that were destroy in the fire last } Thursday." } } Later that day, TV and radio broadcasts the world over were } interrupted as a spokesman for the Oracular Priesthood came on } to announce the results of the research. "Og feel big ree-leef. } Og find out kee-wee not bird. Kee-wee is fruit." --- 1079-07 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Mike Nolan The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > I grovel before you deeper than anyone before, oh High omniscient > Oracle. You are most wise and knowledge is something you have all of. > The spirits of Kharnag'h and the souls of Stov'k are at your command > to assist you in times of so many questions. Please assist a humble > supplicant who has problems with the following question: > > It is said that time is divided into three parts. The past, the > present and the future. It is also said that the future comes with an > enormous speed, that the present is gone before it came and that the > past stands still forever. So why, oh Oracle is the future feared, the > present wanted and the past painful? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Well, it depends on what you think time is shaped like. } } If you view time as a line with a definite ending and beginning, } } Time starts present Time ends } |-----------------------------+------------------------| } } Then your "present" is moving towards The End, the past } gets bigger and the future gets shorter, that leads to the } feelings you express... } } BUT if you view time as a line going forever each way, } } Time started back there present future goes off that way } <------------------------------+---------------------------> } } Then you are just a speck moving on an uncaring, unending stream, } which sometimes leads to feelings of insignificance and depression, } major pharmaceuticals actively promote this view of time. } } On the other hand think of the unending line of time as part of } a circle, } } [ Editor's note: we regret to announce that The Temple's } artists added nasty subliminal pictures to the next two } charts and we had to delete them. ] } } Now see if you're on a circle then, nothing ends & you are } doomed to sooner or later have to re-live grade school. } } Actually time is a tightly wound series of spirals that all } radiate out from one spot, } } [ see Editor's note above ] } } So time does have a beginning, but it is just a big old chaotic mess } after that, kinda like an explosion on an airliner full of reptiles } and fish, if you know what I mean. } } You owe the Oracle some new Temple Artists and a rosewood clock with } a quartz mechanism. --- 1079-08 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Mike Nolan The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > What's for dinner? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Hello, supplicant ! Not even a nice request ? Just a bare question ? } As I'm in a good mood, I will answer it anyway. } } Thank you for remembering, by the way. } As an Omniscient Being, I sometimes spend too much time } answering questions, and I almost forget eating. Wait a minute. } } "Darling ?" } "Yes, honey Orrie ?" } "One of my supplicant just wants to know what's for dinner, tonight." } "Oh no ! I bet he's going to invite himself ! The last time, } it took me 3 days to clean the temple !" } "No, I swear, he just asked what..." } "You believe it's easy, hey ? All what you've to do is to sit down } and answer the bloody w**dchuck questions while I do all the } housework !" } "Keep cool, darling, would you like to go out tonight ? } The questions can work until tomorrow." } "Yeah, and just in the middle of the movie, your cellular is } going to ring again, and you'll have to go home because one of these } fools will need to know how he can build an H-bomb in his garage ? } No, enough of this, I'm going back to my mother. } I should have listened to her when she told me not to marry } you. With all these supplications, and not even a decent job ! Pff..." } "But, Darling..." } (door banging) } } Ok, so tonight, it will be potatoes again. Yuck. } } You owe the Oracle a lunch, supplicant. --- 1079-09 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: surfbaud@waverider.co.uk (Dave Hemming) The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh Oracle most memorable, before they invented drawing boards, what did > they go back to? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } They went back to past issues of the Internet Oracle Digest, where this } question was answered. } } However, perhaps the repeated asking of this question means you want to } go back even further..... } } [Scene: A number of amoeba have gathered together.] } } A1: Right you guys, we're going to design something new today, a } multicellular organism. Right. First we're going to need some sort } of a head. And this head will need some sort of a nose. Fred! } A2: Yeah? } A1: We're going to need some sort of record of what our design is going } to look for. Can you write this down on a piece of paper? } A3: But, paper's made from trees, and trees are multicellular } organisms, which is what we're trying to design. } A1: Right, but we do have something we can use. Martha! } A3: Yeah? } A1: Form yourself into this shape, and hold it. } A3: Like this? } A1: Yeah! Ok, now we need some sort of eye, mouth, and neck. Joey, Sam, } Abdullah, form yourself into shapes like this. } A4,A5,A6: Sure thing Boss. } A1: Right, this is going well. Now we need to make a neck. } A7: I can do that. } A1: Fred! } A2: Yes? } A1: You moved! } A2: Sorry, I had this itch and just had to scratch it. You know how it } is. } A1: Don't move a bit. Our nose has got a big hook in it now. } A3: Hey everyone, it's the Spice Amoebas } Sporty, Scary, Baby, and Posh Amoeba: Hey yahh!!! } A1: Stop, all of you stop. What's with all those pseudopods? This is no } time for genetic material transfer, get back into shape! } A6: Sorry boss. } A1: Abdullah!! } A5&A5': Yyeess bboossss?? } A1: I saw that. You divided didn't you? } A5&A5': Wwhhaatt''ss tthhee pprroobbllemm?? } A1: This multicellular organism is meant to have one eye, now it's got } two of them. That's what's wrong. } A4: Hey everyone, nutrients! Woooaaaahhhh, expand expand expand!!! } A1: (puts pseudopod in pseudopods) My masterpiece, this was going to be } my masterpiece, and now.... this is going to be one ugly } multicellular organism. } } You owe The Oracle some more disciplined amoebas. --- 1079-10 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Mark Lawrence The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oracle Most Wide; > > What is your opinion on Freudian Slips? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Freud's career as a dressmaker was blessedly fleeting, since } the tableaux of childhood trauma hand-embroidered on each of his } custom-made slips was prohibitively expensive, and didn't seem to } help anyone get in touch with their subconcious. } } They made /great/ sofa-covers, though, and rather than let } his investment go to waste he began using them with patients... } } You owe the Oracle an Oedipal complex without that nasty } eye-gouging-out bit.