From oracle-request@cs.indiana.edu Tue Jan 19 10:03:37 1999 Received: (from daemon@localhost) by sunos.cs.indiana.edu (8.8.7/8.8.7/IUCS_2.21) id KAA03917; Tue, 19 Jan 1999 10:03:37 -0500 (EST) Date: Tue, 19 Jan 1999 10:03:37 -0500 (EST) From: Internet Oracle Message-Id: <199901191503.KAA03917@sunos.cs.indiana.edu> To: oracle-list@cs.indiana.edu Subject: Internet Oracularities #1072 Reply-To: oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu X-Face: )/f9dPAX/dU$1Z!U(/?A PiIJvIOtcN@L.>6,2OKd."T#S7b*{feRf.Kns23^P9.Ak{GdWWv]0*1E}RJ)_idU:(5VkN*_+bB kyrnLfC12B>V/q=z32:05`EcAd.!z#3k]h)O!ZU^E"f`@),(2WT X-Planation: X-Face can be viewed with ftp.cs.indiana.edu:/pub/faces. === 1072 ================================================================= Title: Internet Oracularities #1072 Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler Date: Tue, 19 Jan 1999 10:03:37 -0500 (EST) To find out all about the Internet Oracle, including how to participate, send mail to oracle@cs.indiana.edu with the word "help" in the subject line. Let us know what you like! Send your ratings of these 10 Oracularities on an integer scale of 1 ("very poor") to 5 ("very good") with the volume number to oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu (probably just reply to this message). For example: 1072 2 1 3 4 3 5 3 3 4 1 1067 76 votes 4upd4 4kyg2 cplc6 2mmn7 7qnj1 9kim7 cpob4 bdgjh 8vu52 ckmd9 1067 2.8 mean 2.8 2.9 2.7 3.1 2.8 3.0 2.6 3.2 2.5 2.8 --- 1072-01 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Mike Nolan The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oracle, so great and mighty, whom's car is always glistening like wet > pavement... > Why is it that whenever I wash my car, it rains out... but whenever > I think about washing my car while stuck in the office, it's Sunny out?! And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } What most Supplicants fail to realise is that humans share their world } with all kinds of other cultures. Obviously, there is myself, up here } in Olympus (near Shoeburyness); Tooth Faeries, who cause dental decay } (and have also sewn up the market in tooth recycling, much to the } amusement of the MMC [Monopolies and Myths Commission]); Gremlins, } whose job it is to kill people in ever-more innovative and implausible } fashions; and Arse Goblins, who are responsible for causing rectal } itching. } } Perhaps less well-known are the Precipitative Pixies, who live behind } the glass of cars' wing mirrors. Normally shy, quiet creatures, they } are flushed out and (understandably) thoroughly peeved by people who } wash their cars without first putting some form of protective covering } over their wing mirrors. Once in the open, they respond to being } disturbed by causing rain. Simple, innit? } } If you were to take a few precautions when washing your car -- such as } putting a shower cap over the wing mirrors, and a sponge under the rear } license plate, so that the Registration Elves have a soft landing } (which makes them less inclined to trip the speed cameras as you drive } past) -- you will find driving will become a cheaper, safer and drier } occupation. } } You owe The Oracle some soft toilet paper. --- 1072-02 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: surfbaud@waverider.co.uk (Dave Hemming) The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh great Oracle, for whom nothing is too much trouble, and who never > has problems telling anyone anything please answer my simple request; > > How can I tell my parents my girlfriend is pregnant? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } I'd suggest telling them some other horrifying stuff first, such as; } } 'Dad, I drove your brand new BMW into the lake, and the dog is still } in it.'[1] } } 'I was out all night drinking the night before my PoliSci final, so } I'm in need of another year's tuition.'[2] } } 'I was arrested for DUI after a 3 hour high speed chase, could you } send bail money to the Sheriff's office in Bumfuct Arizona?'[3] } } 'I was shooting up heroin with my buddies and contracted a rare form } of Albanian Flu, we'll have to remain quarantined here until we die to } avoid causing a plague that'll wipe out half the world's } population.'[4] } } Of course, none of that will make it go over any easier. Besides, I'd } be more worried about how you'll tell *her* parents. I'd suggest } international long distance phone call, preferably intercontinental. } } [1]: Works best if Dad owns a brand new BMW. For those Dads who } don't, substitute a more appropriate car model. Probably won't work } at all if Dad drives a POSC. } } [2]: Helps if you haven't already dropped out of school. Also, try } to get the money in cash. } } [3]: Some advance planning can make this one your best bet. Rent a } PO box in Bumfuct Arizona, be sure you have them send cash or a check } you can cash. } } [4]: Sneeze. At least twice. --- 1072-03 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Mike Nolan The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > ... and the cop said, "So that's why I'm arresting your cat." > > Oh Oracle most wise, the preceding statement appeared in today's > "Beetle Bailey" as the punchline of a joke. Unfortunately, the rest of > the joke was before the first panel, so all the readers are left in the > dark, except one can infer that it isn't a particularly funny joke. > > So now I'm burning with curiosity. How does the joke begin? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } A policeman was walking by the Physics department when he noticed the } two great physicists, Schrodinger and Dirac, having a heated argument. } Dirac is holding a newspaper, and sitting beside the Schrodinger on the } ground is a large black box. Fearing the argument may be getting out of } hand, the cop approaches them. } } "What seems to be the problem?" } } Schrodinger points to Dirac and says, "Herr Dokter Dirac ist talking } nonsense!" } } "No, I was merely saying.." } } "Wait, wait," said the cop, "Start at the beginning." } } "Vell, about tventy billion years ago.." } } "No, no," said the cop, "The beginning of the argument!" } } "Vell you should be more specific. Ve vere reading today's Beetle } Bailey.. hoo, zat Sarge cracks me up!.. und in ze first panel is ze } punchline of a joke. '... und ze cop said, "So zat's why I'm arresting } your cat."' Und I simply said zat I vundered vhat ze rest of ze joke } vas. And zen zis dumbkopf.." } } Then Dirac interrupts, "I was just applying your own ideas about } quantum mechanics, Erwin. You see officer, Erwin has designed this } clever experiment to illustrate the ideas of quantum mechanics, about } reality being dependent on the observer." } } "Oh yeah." } } Dirac points at the box. "Erwin put his cat Muffy inside this box with } a vile of poison and a harmless radioactive sample. If the radioactive } sample decays, a mechanism breaks the vile and the cat dies. " } } "You don't like your cat very much, do you Dr. Schrodinger?" } } "Is my vife's cat. Ugly zing, messes in my rose garden." } } Dirac continues, "The point is that the radioactive decay is a quantum } process. Therefore according to quantum mechanics, unless we open the } box and observe the results, the cat's state is undetermined. It's } neither dead nor alive. Or both at the same time, if you will." } } "You physicists are just plain goofy. So what's that got to do with } Beetle Bailey?" } } Schrodinger throws up his hands. "So Herr Dirac now is saying zat ze } joke is also in ze undetermined state, since zere is no observer } outside ze comic to see it, and zat it is zerefore impossible to know } vhat ze joke is!" } } Dirac said, "Well obviously the rest of the joke took place before the } first panel, so therefore no one could observe it. So the most we can } say is that the joke exists as a probability density function.." } } The cop interrupts: "Okay, so let me get this straight - the cat in the } box is both dead and alive at the same time, and the joke's impossible } to know because it's just a probability, and it's all cause of this } crazy quantum mechanics?" } } "Yes, that's right, officer," said Dirac } } "Okay, I'm putting you both under arrest for causing a public } disturbance. And for general looniness." } } Schrodinger said, "But he's ze loony, not me!" } } "The cat's either alive, or it's dead. It can't be both." } } "But ze cat really IS both dead und alive!" } } ... and the cop said, "So that's why I'm arresting your cat." --- 1072-04 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Forbes, Michael Scott (Scott)" The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh great and wise Oracle, who has never had to sit waiting by the > phone, or, in this day and age, the Inbox, please enlighten your humble > supplicant: > > Is she ever going to write back? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Well, I'd have to say both yes and no to this question, dear } Supplicant. For the 'yes' answer: you *will* recieve a response; her } prose will be so uplifting, so elegant, so compelling that you'll be } swept off your feet in a rush of unbridled emotion, and, in a moment } of mad love, respond to her, asking to meet her in person. } } That brings us to the 'no' answer: technically, the answer is no, } because, as you'll learn when you meet her in person, she isn't } actually a she. } } This will, understandably, place a strain on the relationship. } } You owe the Oracle a tape of The Crying Game. --- 1072-05 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: mchevalier@WELLESLEY.EDU The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh, wise Oracle, who can beat Doom in Nightmare mode, > > What would "Duke Nukem: A Critique of Pure Violence" be like? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } THE INTERNET ORACLE } GAME REVIEW OF THE MONTH: } } Duke Nukem: A Critique of Pure Violence } ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ } } Just how much mileage can a games manufacturer get out of a single } product? If the product is DN3D, an almost unlimited amount, } apparently. The Plutonium Pak, Atomic Edition, Nuclear Winter, Life's a } Beach... the list of add-ons seems endless. The cry goes up: oh, for } some new weapons, some new baddies, some new anything! } } Take heart, all you shoot-em-up slugfest-loving psychopaths out there: } with "A Critique of Pure Violence", Dukey enters a whole new dimension! } Gone are the tattered old Troopers and Pig Cops, to be replaced by } kick-ass Stoics, Sophists and Neo-Pythagoreans. Hell, these guys will } argue that pleasure is irrelevant to the attainment of happiness as } soon as look at you, and stir-fry your nuts to prove it! And the human } females are much more interactive than before! Go up to the go-go girls } in the red light district bar, wave some money under their noses and } they'll expound the empiricism of Francis Bacon to you till you cry } "uncle". } } You have some really neat new weapons to try out too, such as the } Phenomenological Cannon and the Concept of Dread Bomb. And there's } a Boss Philosopher at the end of each level! } } Once again, the game is powered by the Quake engine, but now it has } sound and graphics to die for (or from!) Okay, so the minimum spec is } a P266 MicroCray with 1064 Mflops RAM and a liquid nitrogen-cooled 3D } accelerator. But once you've got the hardware sorted, the AI of the } baddies will impress the socks off you! If you thought Kierkegaard's } satires of Hegelian Rationalism were biting, wait till these guys } sink their fangs into your dialectics! } } To give too much away at this stage would spoil all the fun, so this } review will restrict itself to describing the demo version only. This } consists of four levels: } } 1. Pluralism - The Parmenideans come at you thick and fast from the } very start, claiming there are four material elements and two } forces, and that these can neither come into being nor pass away. } You counter with Zeno's Paradox which freezes them into immobility, } at which point you can blow them away with your shotgun. The Boss } Philosopher of this level is Anaxagoras of Clazomenae (looking } vaguely like the alien from the "Predator" series), who will try to } convince you that everything is contained within everything else as } a prelude to chopping you into infinitely small particles. } } 2. The Doctrine of God's Will - Blasting and debating your way through } a medieval dungeon, the pressure never lets up. No sooner have you } established the validity of Anselm's proof of the existence of God } than you are faced with a slavering, 12-foot, razon-wielding death- } merchant. Yes, it's William of Ockham, looking not a little like } Strife out of "Hercules: The Legendary Journeys". When this guy } says human reason alone is insufficient to reach the truth, you } believe him! } } 3. Logical Positivism - It may be true that there's nothing Nietzsche } couldn't teach you about breaking people's heads, but here it's } Wittgenstein that's the bolshy swine who radically denies the } meaningfulness of metaphysics by ripping out the intestines of } anyone who approaches him with unverifiable assertions about moral, } esthetic or religious values. Take your existentialism in your left } hand, your rocket launcher in your right, and proceed with extreme } caution. } } 4. Marxism - And what better way to round off a binge of blood and } brain cells than with the Bearded Behemoth of the Bourgeoisie } himself? If you can separate this sucker from his Kapital without } resorting to revolutionary action (or even cheat codes), you're } ready for the commercial game! } } Your reviewer unhesitatingly awards DN:ACOPV his coveted Gold Medal } for sheer gut-wrenching, mind-bending, adrenaline-surging nihilism. } But remember, you need skill as well as an unquenchable bloodlust to } win. As Dukey himself says, "I think, therefore I aim." } } Like hell he does! --- 1072-06 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Michael A. Atkinson" The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > I bow down and lick the camel dung off your sandals as a > minor gesture to your greatness. In offering to you I hug > this porcupine, step on this rake and sit on this cactus. > I hold onto this red hot poker and ignore the steaming pain, > and I work as a slave for Zadoc. I worship and grovel to you. > Please, if it pleases you to answer me one simple query.. > please I beg of thee oh might powerful one: > one or two? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Ahhh. That felt good. Really good. } } You know, I don't remember the last time someone came up with a really } decent grovel for Me. Not like the old days. We had real groveling back } then, with graven images and nubile virgins and pyramids and temples } and coliseums built in My name. Sometimes a grovel would go on for so } long that the supplicant would forget the original question - } sometimes, in fact, grovels were passed on down through the } generations, with child after child after child abasing themselves } enthusiastically in the fervent hope that some day they would reach a } point where they could actually ask Me something. } } But not any more. Your grovel, though, was refreshing enough that I'm } going to give you the straight answer, without any vagueness or } enigmatic riddles or evasions or twisted meanings: } } It doesn't matter which door you open. You're dead either way. } } You owe the Oracle a legacy. --- 1072-07 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Mike Nolan The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Great Oracle! > Is Bill Gates year 2000 compatible? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } What a ridiculous question! Old Bill has been thoroughly checked out by } a team of highly trained Microsoft Certified Technicians and guaranteed } fully compliant. One was heard to comment that it was surprising } really, as he's pretty uncompliant about everything else. } } And so, given the unprecedented reputation of MCTs in the computing } industry, I'm sure you now have the answer to your question. } } You owe the Oracle tickets to Bill's New Years Eve party, so I can } watch the meltdown firsthand. --- 1072-08 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Alyce Wilson" The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Why *ZOT*? Why can't you just smite people like a normal god? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Hey, let's see you try it. Mortal ingrate. No soup for you! ZOT! } for you! } } For your punishment, the Oracle instructs you to cover your naked body } with mousse and run down Eisenhower Avenue shouting, "I'm cleaning } my oven! I'm cleaning my oven!" --- 1072-09 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Alyce Wilson" The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oracle Most Wise; > > How can I convince them to quit using homing rockets? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } *hits forhead with palm of hand* } } Homing /rockets/? Why would anyone want a homing rocket? } } Now, homing pigeons made sense. They come back to base. } Do they really want to have the rockets do that? } } Well... ok. So they shall! } } You owe the Oracle a gathering of all the commanding } officers at the base for the next rocket demonstration. --- 1072-10 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh, Oracle most wise, who enjoys talking to Bud Abbot about mutual > funds and Vlad Tempes about political theory... > > I recently heard that somebody is planning to make "Syd and Harry meet > Cthulu". What would such a movie be like? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Greetings, supplicant. } } The Oracle is afraid that you've been mislead - the actual title of the } film is "When Harry Met Cthulhu". I've got the trailer stored somewhere } in my vast databanks... hold on a second... } } } } } Voice-over by BC: It all started when I picked up the 'Necromancicon: } How to Evoke The Old Ones and Pick up Chicks' by Agony Aunthazred. } Admittedly, the results were a little different from what I expected... } } } } Cheesy narrator: Walt Dagon pictures presents the comedy of the aeon. } He's a comedian who's career is on the slide, She's a squid faced Old } One from outside time. } } } } BC: I can tell if an Old One's faking an orgasm. } Cthulhu: G'th'fd fthag f'snhnagtal orgasm. } BC: You can try, but I'll know you're faking it. } Cthluhu: Phnaa'thn.... Phnaa'thn.... Phnaaaaaaaaaa'athn... } Phnaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa'thn } } } } Shub-Nigurath: Graaakmat baaathrak } } } } } } You owe the oracle a kiss from Cthulhu.