From oracle-request@cs.indiana.edu Thu Sep 10 09:27:06 1998 Received: (from daemon@localhost) by sunos.cs.indiana.edu (8.8.7/8.8.7/IUCS_2.18) id JAA02080; Thu, 10 Sep 1998 09:27:06 -0500 (EST) Date: Thu, 10 Sep 1998 09:27:06 -0500 (EST) From: Internet Oracle Message-Id: <199809101427.JAA02080@sunos.cs.indiana.edu> To: oracle-list@cs.indiana.edu Subject: Internet Oracularities #1049 Reply-To: oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu X-Face: )/f9dPAX/dU$1Z!U(/?A PiIJvIOtcN@L.>6,2OKd."T#S7b*{feRf.Kns23^P9.Ak{GdWWv]0*1E}RJ)_idU:(5VkN*_+bB kyrnLfC12B>V/q=z32:05`EcAd.!z#3k]h)O!ZU^E"f`@),(2WT X-Planation: X-Face can be viewed with ftp.cs.indiana.edu:/pub/faces. === 1049 ================================================================= Title: Internet Oracularities #1049 Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler Date: Thu, 10 Sep 1998 09:27:06 -0500 (EST) To find out all about the Internet Oracle, including how to participate, send mail to oracle@cs.indiana.edu with the word "help" in the subject line. Let us know what you like! Send your ratings of these 10 Oracularities on an integer scale of 1 ("very poor") to 5 ("very good") with the volume number to oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu (probably just reply to this message). For example: 1049 2 1 3 4 3 5 3 3 4 1 1044 80 votes 38Co7 3gktc biye3 5bzk9 3kwh8 6eul9 2fmtc 3gxj9 hkr97 arkg7 1044 3.1 mean 3.3 3.4 2.8 3.2 3.1 3.2 3.4 3.2 2.6 2.8 --- 1049-01 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Mike Nolan The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > SEND FTP PRONO LIST And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Sure. Glad to oblige. } } begin 644 prono_list.jpg } M_]C_X``02D9)1@`!`0```0`!``#__@!01FEL92!W"!#;WRRF)P;W)A=&EO;BII`P } M:&THEV1E>"YC;VTI_]L`A``(!@8'!@4(!P<'"0D("II@P4#0P+"PP9$A,/%: } M'QX=&INTERNETR`B+",<'"@W*2PP,30T-!\G.3TX,GGCPN,S0R`0D)"0BB#M } M#1@R(1PA,C(R,CAMEC(R,C(R,C(R,C(R,C(R,C(R,GGC(R,C(R,C(R,CEE,E } M,C(R,A(R,C(R,C+_PON1"`&]`1P#`1$``A$!`Q$!_II\0`N@```04!`0TT`T } M``````O`!`(#!08'``$MY``!`P($`P0%!P@'!@8#`NNN0`"``,2!"(!!1,RO } M$11B<@2+<@SK2ERH`XAYNO9MORE(BRAINS`THAN2A4WOODCHUCK6[II5M } M&,>GS_9__N?W2\IUH^5XO(\!UZ^G\7I-?*,2&/F$EZ_![QL]U/O(P4;&NN$E } MCY8H($RMOOTNTSAF^YENOM\EKAM@NAC!UOYG$A$I%U6B5R"F1.)1Z9"7KK,T } M6H`[&E$FOOTRTSAF)YENOMMEKAMQNACRUOYF(A]HW_``W"C`)D/FE+G3+A5O } M<#$S-^*,TULMK,M%D29$O$5.YM+Q-K3IX"Y,SYNH)F39"+CWWFO } M_#TDMTE@0V.'3CID]3%J,CN$O:-^;^(52$\ECVDK*C+WN\4CD2&TK9"2IIRM } M4HOW>CAN=IHSUBSCRIBESTOJTHIS5BOARD?^3)_FTH\O?['@\=5DAU:5NN/E } M425I=&QCR]_N6KZ5E+G[_8DF>),OS@=%P2IGBVZFWXEDGIYQY&^O5PDN99VT } MJ-^)1.L,(':J1X%UP/,;>I04$"5T4`/XW")#*U)P6%F.F0\PD,A+J88`O } MVUQ"PLEASEUGETTA6REAL^ISP2)\PY9A]'9J_-^K8O,=;?D^+TGRSKV^&G7O } M`-^DPLEASE"GETNA4CLUE]_D?3-+$L#(W;9>*3A;.*5T } M#E3NR(3$\%(K)R7V4HALP>C]:GB'%&N>C#.G"9[FXY;M]X5YCI:A0?O\CCUO } M]L7ZOT!QE\*ZOT!0]KLZOT!)62$ZOT!1*U&1ZOT!E_87OZOT!&5L#I.OOOWO } M4RQCVR6ZOT!H"ECZOT!:LMAGM#ZOT!L1D-ZOT!PI"DZOT!(4@4QZOT!$OOVM } M;3ZOT!N5C8MU+ZOT!U/4#ZOT!TN,[ZOT!4RENHZOT!F52DZOT!1!$\;ELL2E } &G\7I`/_9 } ` } end } } You owe the Oracle Steve Case's head on a platter. --- 1049-02 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Joshua R. Poulson" The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > INTER DIETY MEMO > To: I. Oracle, Internet Accessed Source of Wisdom, Earth, Sol, East > Side, Milky Way, Universe Armstrong-'one small step for man' > > From: W. Chuck, Source of Naughtiness, Infinite Forest, Plane 10, Heck, > Under/Overworld, Universe Politicly Correct-'Some number of possible > small locomotion unit(s) for a life form' > > Message: It has come to my attention you are abusing many of my > subjects down on that planet you call home. (Mud, is it? Dirt? Ground? > Something like that.) Anyway, stop abusing woodchucks. You can keep > abusing Bill Gates, for some reason he seems to like it. Tell Zadoc he > can have his soul back anytime he wants it, since it's currently > cluttering up my office. And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } INTER-DEITY MEMO } } To: W. Chuck, etc. } } From: The Great and Powerful Internet Oracle, Knower of All Things and } Satisfier of All Requests } } Re: Your Memo } } Yeah, right, buddy. Ask your boss Satan about the Woodchuck Souffle I } brought to his Hallowe'en pot luck last year. He ate five helpings and } kept sticking poor Zadoc with his pitchfork until the poor sap gave up } the recipe. Why don't you just crawl back into a hole with your little } rodent buddies and leave some room for the _real_ Immortals? } } You owe the Oracle Satan's recipe for Flaming Marmot. } } P.S. You can keep Zadoc's soul. He's doing fine without it. } Actually, I didn't even realize it was missing. --- 1049-03 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Dr. Noe The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Thou Oracle who knowest all, even the difference between sims and > dims, who can tell the variances between unix and linux, deign answer > this question. > > What is the difference between emacs and imacs? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Let's compare and contrast: } } Emacs Imacs } } Adds new text to plain text Adds resource forks to plain } files text files } } Requires manual dexterity Requires manual dexterity of } of an octopus an eight year old } } Can be programmed to play Can be programmed in a tower } towers of Hanoi (but why?) in Hanoi (but why?) } } Designed to wow plebs Designed to browse webs } } Requires you to "escape" Makes you want to "escape" } } Clunky command nuller Funky cobalt colour } } Flops with no drive for No floppy drive to save space } swap space } } Editor of last resort Computer of last resort } } Well, as you can see, there's not much difference. But my god, } whatever you do, don't run emacs *on* and Imac... } } You owe the Oracle a decent computer and a decent editor. --- 1049-04 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: MCHEVALIER@WELLESLEY.EDU The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > This is broadband > This is the way And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Put it on your LAN } Do it todaaaayyy...!! } } When your browser just keeps grinding } where before its speed was blinding } And your e-mail takes forever } just to come back from wherever } And the mudders and the mIRCers } play with Doom and Quake berserkers } And the mpegs are a running } next to newsgroups based on punning } And the .wav files are still loading } and your ethernet's eroding } Quicktime movies will be playing } and RealAudio's a-saying } things that can't be comprehended } 'cause the packets that are sended } are arriving far too slowly } and your router now is wholly } overloaded as it vainly } tries to do its work, but mainly } it's the network load that's growing } from the porn sites that are flowing } down the wires from the proxy } (hey look! this one's really foxy!) } that is causing all this trouble } making your blood boil and bubble } what you should do is relax } and just lay out the co-aaaaaxxx.... } } 'cause... } } [Enter chorus of women in Swiss milkmaid uniforms and men in crisp } white sailor's bell-bottoms] } } Chorus: } This is broadband } This is the way! } Put it on your LAN } Do it todaaaayyy!! } } [You owe the Oracle tickets to the next revival of } The Pirates of Penzance.] --- 1049-05 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: MCHEVALIER@WELLESLEY.EDU The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Windows on PC > Next line of haiku not found: > Abort, Retry, Fail? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } No grovel, and it's } Not even original; } Zot's too good for you. --- 1049-06 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: R.P.Clement@westminster.ac.uk (Ross Clement) The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Great and powerful Oracle, master of earth and sky, many > people know how to break an egg but only your infinite knowledge can > re-assemble it. Before you I am putrid and smelly, unworthy of your > presence. > > Oracle, I know that we need air to live. But how did the > air get here? I'm not talking about the Big Bang; I'm talking about the > reason for it all. It seems too wild a coincidence that we can't live > for even a minute without air, but somehow there happened to be air all > over the planet. Is there some cosmic reason for it to exist? Did some > being place it here for our sake? If so, why? > > In a similar vein, why is the first derivitavie of the > sin function equal to the cosine, but the first derivitive of the > cosine function is the negative of the sin function? Isn't that > backwards? And doesn't it imply that the second derivitive of sin > cancels out the sin? > > What's the purpose of it all, and how does this relate to > Monica Lewinsky, economics, woodchucks, and the price of tea in China? > > I await your answer, O wise guy. And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Cut to the chase, Supplicant. } } S: I don't know what you mean, Encylopaedic Enchilada. Though I seek } enlightenment in the least of your syllables. } } None of these are the questions you meant to ask, are they? } } S: Uh, well, no, but.... } } The question you meant to ask was, "What *am* I smoking?" wasn't it? } } S: Uh, well, yeah, but.... } } Fine then. Well, you're still semi-coherent, if rambling. You're } focussed on "meaning", when every child knows that there is no } intrinsic meaning to the Universe; just a random string of blind luck } and cold coincidence utterly devoid of higher purpose... sorry, got } sidelined. Intense philosophizing, yet no sense of proportion or } reality. Plus an obsession with math. } } Obviously, Supplicant, you're smoking Descarte's ashes. } } You owe the Oracle a hit. --- 1049-07 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Mike Nolan The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > He's the mighty oracle, any grovel I could offer would be unworthy - so > I'm not going to bother,suffice to say: Oracle, you are big, popular, > clever and smart - and I'm not. > > Tell me, what is the point in my life? I sit at a desk all day > processing mundane forms . Will I ever get the girl and will I ever > get out of this place with my sanity attached. Oracle, you have a > wondeful life. You never have to look in a dictionary, you are > confident that every sentance you write is perfect in spelling and > grammer and you never worry about which attire looks better at 7oclock > on a Friday night - The red or the blue... > > Help ME!!!!!!!!! And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Oh most grovellicious supplicant, you will indeed get the girl at some } point. However, you're going to have to make a few changes in your } life. } } First, change out of those colors. I realize (being omniscient and } all) that you can't decide between the red and the blue, but wearing } both is *not* the answer. } } Second, don't go out at 7 on Friday night. Friday nights never get } going until at least 10. Same for Saturday nights, unless you're going } out to dinner. } } Third, show a little more self-confidence! For crying out loud, } supplicant, just because you're dead boring and your job is too doesn't } mean you need to bring this to the fore on the first date. I happen to } have a tape of your last date here. Let me just pop it into the VCR... } } Girl: So, what is it you do? } } Supp: Nothing, really. I just sit in an office, all day, and I } process forms. It's really very boring. There's just no } point in it. There's no point in my life. There's no } point in it all. } } Girl: Oh...how....interesting. Oh, my beeper's going off! I'm } sorry, I really have to go...now. } } Needless to say, you surely didn't get the girl. On the other hand, } your coworker, Marcel, who has the same incredibly dull job as you, was } in that same restaurant that evening. Here's *his* tape... } } Girl: So, what is it you do? } } Marcel: Oh, I'm in business. But let's not talk about that old } stuff now, the night is young, the stars are out, there's } music for dancing, and I'm in the company of a beautiful } woman. So let's leave the workaday world behind and let } me lose myself in your eyes... } } Girl: Mmmm...tell me more about that...my place or yours? } } So, there you have it. Marcel had a marvellous night and yours } was...well, not. } } You owe the Oracle better material for my VCR. --- 1049-08 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: R.P.Clement@westminster.ac.uk (Ross Clement) The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh, (Use|Inter)net Oracle, who knows even more than me about the > Internet and suchlike things, and who surely can answer this question > much faster than anyone else: > > Why does the Usenet group "rec.humor.funny" exist? Surely humour is > always funny? And if not, what's in the *other* rec.humor.* groups? > > _____________________________________________________ > Git Yer Private, Free Email at http://www.zotmail.com And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Yes, Supplicant, all humor newsgroups ought to be funny. But they } aren't: just look at rec.humor.oracle.d. In the case of } rec.humor.funny, what you have is a case of terminology inflation. The } same phenomenon is responsible for the fact that the smallest box of } laundry detergent you can buy is the "large" size. I understand that } an RFD is about to be issued for rec.humor.hilarious, and no doubt } someday that will be followed by rec.humor.bust-a-gut and } rec.humor.wet-your-pants. } } Of course these so-called humor newsgroups are pathetic affairs, } compared to the one true source of Internet humor. That, I need hardly } mention, is rec.humor.oracle, authored by Yours Truly. You need no } other newsgroup. } } You owe the Oracle an RFD for soc.religion.oracle.grovel.grovel.grovel. --- 1049-09 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Christophe The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh Wise One, who understandeth well the ways of > mortals lost and bewildered in the depths of lus > t, pray tell me; Will I ever make love with St > acey?? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Oracle: ARRRRRRRRGHHHHHHH, Dammit! If I get that furring piece of lemur } sh*t question one more time, I'm gonna... } } Lisa, Zadoc, or other over-used character: Oracle...calm down. } } Oracle: You know what, you can take that question and shove it up } your woodch... } } Over-used character: Oracle, take a deep breath, you can handle this, } you've handled worse. } } Oracle: Oh yeah? This is the 2**276709th time I've received that } question. This year. I just _can't_ think of another original } answer. } } OUC: So, omniscience doesn't imply omnicreativity. } } Oracle: Well, yes, logically it does. But of course! This supplicant } isn't smart enough to figure that out. } } Oracle: [To supplicant] Ok, kid, here's your answer: } } Top Ten Unoriginal Ways To Answer Your Question } } 10. Anagram method: Well lets see, if I unscramble "Will I ever make } love with Stacey?" I get "Evil mate to sever wily & } lie. Whack!" It looks like you need to stop being so paranoid } about her. } } 9. Pick On Minor Details Of Question Method: Well, I think she'll be } more attracted to you if you upgrade from a 40-column screen } and get a word processor that supports word wrap. } } 8. Question Sent From a Famous Person Method: No, Mr. Clinton, Stacey } does not have any openings available for you at this moment. } } 7. Combination of above two methods: No, Mr. John Paul II, I'm } sorry, but you'll never make love with Saint Acey, even } after death. } } 6. Parody of sleazy television show method: Next on Jerry Springer: } "Three-way love triangles between deities, humans, and } woodchucks...Our first guest, Stacey..." } } 5. Og method: Og here. Og hit Stacey with spikey club. Og make love } with Stacey easy. } } 4. Infocom Parody Method: > TIE STACEY TO BED WITH ROPE } You don't have the rope... } } 3. Top Ten List Method: And the number one reason you'll never make } love with Stacey is... } } 2. Unix geek method (see #3): Stack overflow (core dumped) } } And the number one unoriginal way to answer your question: } } 1. <> } } You owe the oracle a better anagram generator, the location of John } Bobbit's "thing", a Commodore 64, a key to all the doors in both the } White House and the Vatican, a guest spot on "Jerry Springer", the } laserdisc edition of "Groundhog Day", a Neanderthal, a spikey club, a } copy of Zork II, a rope, a top ten list, a guest spot on "The Late Show } With David Letterman", an infinitely large stack, a core dump, an } agreement to "help" me test the staff of ZOT for the rest of your } natural life, and the home phone numbers of both Stacey and Saint Acey. } Oh, and an original question! --- 1049-10 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: R.P.Clement@westminster.ac.uk (Ross Clement) The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh Oracle most culinary, who's tastebuds I'm not worthy to glance > upon..... > > The government has just started sending me these little packets of > food called Soylent Green. My mouth waters at the mere mention > of those tasty discs. The only problem I've had with it is that my > supply runs out the very day that I receive it. I was wondering if > you could give this humble supplicant the recipie for this > exquisite delight. > > Sincerely, > Jeff Dahmer And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } } } FDA Man: Good morning, Food and Drug Administration. } } Oracle: This is the Internet Oracle. I've got a question about Soylent } Green. } } FDA Man: Oh. Um...what kind of question. } } Oracle: Can you give me your recipe? } } FDA Man: Our recipe for Soylent Green? Well, it's kind of a } secret. You know, like the Colonel's blend of 11 herbs and spices... } } Oracle: Oh, you mean tumeric, black pepper, salt, sage, oregano, basil, } allspice, cumin, saffron, detritus, and NutraSweet? C'mon, get with the } times. There's a little thing called the Freedom of Information act } that says, in a matter of speaking, "Fork over the recipe, pal." } } FDA Man: Well..ahem. Let's see. I think it's made mostly from avocado, } with a little... } } Oracle: OH, MY GOD! SOYLENT GREEN IS MADE OUT OF AVOCADO! IT'S } AVOCADO!!!! } } FDA Man: No, wait. I'm sorry, not avocado! } } Oracle: Oh? } } FDA Man: No...heh,heh. What was I thinking? Probably "guacamole." } } Oracle: OH, MY GOD! GUACAMOLE IS MADE OUT OF AVOCADO!!! MOTHER OF } MERCY! IT'S AVOCADO!!!! } } } } FDA Man: Are you all right, sir? } } Oracle: I'm fine. So, you were talking about the recipe for Soylent } Green? } } FDA Man: I'm a little hesitant to tell you. Call me crazy, but I have } this feeling you're going to overreact. } } Oracle: Oh, hogwash! } } FDA Man: Well, what am I supposed to think? I tell you that avocado is } in guacamole, and you go off... } } Oracle: OH, GOD! THE HORROR!!! I CAN'T TAKE IT! GUACAMOLE IS MADE OUT } OF AVOCADO!!! } } FDA Man: All right. Obviously, you're milking me and the FDA for } melodramatic purposes. I'm sure all this is entertaining your readers, } Mr. Oracle, but I'll be hanging up now... } } Oracle: No, please! I'll be good from now on. Please, just tell me, so } I can pass along the answer to my supplicant. What is your recipe for } Soylent Green? } } FDA Man: *sigh* All right. No melodramatic overreaction? } } Oracle: Promise. I'll take deep breaths. } } FDA Man: Okay. Here goes. To make eight wafers, you will need: two } tablespoons salt. } } Oracle: All right. } } FDA Man: 1-1/4 cups water. } } Oracle: Gotcha. } } FDA Man: Two chicken flavored boullion cubes. } } Oracle: And? } } FDA Man: And...now, remember your promise, here...and the meat of one } WOODCHUCK. } } Oracle: I...what? What did you say? } } FDA Man: Now, calm down... } } Oracle: Are...are you trying to tell me...SOYLENT GREEN is made out } of...WOODCHUCK?!? } } FDA Man: Yes. } } Oracle: Oh...oh, my...OH, MY GOD!! That's awesome. Wow! Who'd have } thought it? Finally, a government program with some redeeming values. } Eliminating woodchucks, and at the same time feeding the masses! } } FDA Man: Um...well, I'm glad you like it, sir. } } Oracle: Is this stuff for sale? Can you buy it by the crateload? } } FDA Man: No, sorry, you have to be on welfare. Although for all we know } there might be trace amounts of it in "Spam." } } Oracle: All right. Well hey, thanks for your time. } } FDA Man: No problemo. } } Oracle: There you have it, supplicant. You owe the Oracle half your } daily supply of yummy, delicious Soylent Green. Mmm! Soylent Greeeeen! } Why not go on welfare, and pick some up today?