From oracle-request@cs.indiana.edu Mon Aug 24 08:52:33 1998 Received: (from daemon@localhost) by sunos.cs.indiana.edu (8.8.7/8.8.7/IUCS_2.18) id IAA24229; Mon, 24 Aug 1998 08:52:33 -0500 (EST) Date: Mon, 24 Aug 1998 08:52:33 -0500 (EST) From: Internet Oracle Message-Id: <199808241352.IAA24229@sunos.cs.indiana.edu> To: oracle-list@cs.indiana.edu Subject: Internet Oracularities #1044 Reply-To: oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu X-Face: )/f9dPAX/dU$1Z!U(/?A PiIJvIOtcN@L.>6,2OKd."T#S7b*{feRf.Kns23^P9.Ak{GdWWv]0*1E}RJ)_idU:(5VkN*_+bB kyrnLfC12B>V/q=z32:05`EcAd.!z#3k]h)O!ZU^E"f`@),(2WT X-Planation: X-Face can be viewed with ftp.cs.indiana.edu:/pub/faces. === 1044 ================================================================= Title: Internet Oracularities #1044 Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler Date: Mon, 24 Aug 1998 08:52:33 -0500 (EST) To find out all about the Internet Oracle, including how to participate, send mail to oracle@cs.indiana.edu with the word "help" in the subject line. Let us know what you like! Send your ratings of these 10 Oracularities on an integer scale of 1 ("very poor") to 5 ("very good") with the volume number to oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu (probably just reply to this message). For example: 1044 2 1 3 4 3 5 3 3 4 1 1039 76 votes 0dAn4 3btmb 8org1 3got4 awn92 mve63 9kpf7 cprb1 2atr8 9nkf9 1039 2.9 mean 3.2 3.4 2.7 3.2 2.5 2.2 2.9 2.5 3.4 2.9 --- 1044-01 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Forbes, Michael Scott (Scott)" The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Venerated Oracle, may your words live as long as you do, Immortal One; > > What is a "good premise"? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } One which does what you want it to. It's much like a good dog. } The dog will sit, shake hands, fetch a stick, beg, roll over and play } dead according to your wishes. A good premise, in the same manner, } can make other people believe patently absurd statements. } } Note that the goodness of a premise has nothing whatever to do with } its truth or falsehood. Allow me to demonstrate. } } Every argument has one or more premises. For instance, in the } statement: } } "If pigs had wings, they could fly." } } The premise is "pigs have wings." } } This is an example of a bad premise. While the argument is logically } valid, nobody will believe for a second that pigs can fly. The premise } just doesn't cut the mustard. But now let's look at another argument: } } "If the Republicans would just quit browbeating President Clinton } and let him get on with his life, he'd stop his philandering." } } Here's an example of a good premise. If you analyze this statement, } you'll find that it is exactly equivalent to the "pigs have wings" } argument. But the beauty of it is there are people who will actually } believe the argument's false conclusion despite everything - in fact, } recent polls indicate that over 60% of the American public will. } This is the power of a good premise. } } You owe the Oracle a good dinner. --- 1044-02 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: surfbaud@waverider.co.uk (Dave Hemming) The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > > look > > You are in a maze of twisted little questions, all alike. > > > And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } > examine self } } You are a very twisted character, you feel confident that you can } answer them. } } > queue drain } } You have drained 22 well-written questions, all different. } } > set $answer = "ZOT" } } You have set a shell variable to the value of "ZOT". } } > for (a=0;a<22;a++) mail $question(a) < $answer } } You are in a maze of passages being pursued by a number of Oracle } Priests. } } > feign innocence } } You are in a maze of passages being pursued by a number of Oracle } Priests who are not fools. } } > apologise. } } You are in a maze of passages with a number of bruises and abrasions. } } > ask if i can become a priest. } } You are stuck head down in a garbage bin outside the maze. } } > quit game. } } You have quit rec.humor.oracle. } } > open ancient joke book. } } You have opened a joke book from 1929. } } > submit joke to rec.humor.funny } } You owe The Oracle a mother-in-law joke and a +5 wand of hide } unoriginality. --- 1044-03 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Alyce Wilson" The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Og here. > > Og hunt for many moon, find sabre-tooth tiger. Hit tiger on head with > spiky club until eyes go black. Hit tiger more. Hit tiger little bit > more, feel better now. > > Og drag remains of tiger to throne of mighty Or-a-kul, lie with face > in dirt. Og cower before Or-a-kul, offer much chocolate and mastodon > meat. Og think, grovel good. > > Og say, many long time ago Og have an-ces-tor who discover first > rock. Rock be copyrighted by him. Claim com-mis-sion for each > rock used. Gain much mo-ney, many women. > > Two day ago, Og see road. Road paved with gra-vel. Big road. Many, > many, rock. Many, many mo-ney? > > Og ask, who Og bo-ther for roy-al-ties? > > Og done. And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Hi Og, 'O-ra-kul' here. I have some good news and some bad news. } } > Og big strong hun-ter. Og can take much bad new. Og ask bad new first. } } The bad news is, after examining the patent of your ancestor, Ogge, it } appears that the only use he suggested for rocks was smashing open the } skulls of his enemies, and inserting rocks in the cavity formed. Sorry } Og, but Ogge's patent says nothing about roads, rock gardens, skipping } flat rocks on the surface of lakes, or photos of Mars. Nothing at all. } Your chances of collecting royalties for all the gravel roads in the } world is none, nilch, zilch, zero. } } > Og much sad, Og think Og get much mo-ney. Og say 'hey!'. Og ask, Ogge } > not have good pa-tent, how Ogge get mo-ney e-ver-y time rock use, no } > mat-ter how use? } } Looking through the patents filed, I've discovered that Ogge also filed } patents on "bait and switch", "palming rocks to the bottom of the deck", } "skimming profits", "inventing non-existent dependents to claim a bigger } proportion of the kill", and a host of other shady practices. It does } seem that, even for a barrel-chested Homo Neanderthalis, Ogge was a bit } of a 'wide boy'. Did any of the people (or proto-people) who paid the } royalities ask to see the wording of the patent? } } > Og say, no. Og time, write not in-vent yet. } } See. How about the good news then? } } > Og say yes. Og hope O-ra-kul tell good new. } } Fortunately Ogge *does* have the patent on "Rocks in the Head". } My research has now turned up a huge list of people blatantly in } breach of Ogge's patent because they all, undeniably, have "rocks in } their heads". Here's a list of people to start bothering for royalties } immediately (fortunately many of them are also exceedingly rich). } } 1. Bill Clinton } 2. Michael Jackson } 3. The Spice Girls } 4. The Japanese Finance Minister } 5. Bill Gates } 6. Oprah Winfry } 7. That guy who turned down The Beatles because 'Guitar groups are on } the way out'. } 8. Charles Windsor and in fact the entire British upper class. } 9. ..... } } [Continue with a list of the usual suspects] } } You owe The Oracle the full rights for the patent to "bait and switch". } My answers frequently make use of that one. --- 1044-04 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Alyce Wilson" The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > h, grt nd ws rcl, wh knws vrthng, ncldng hw t dnc wtht mkng fl f hmslf, > > t wld ppr tht 'v lst ll m vwls. Cn hlp? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } N . 'v th sm prblm. } } "Zdc!" } "Yyees, Maasteer?" } "Zdc, hv sn m vwls?" } "Noo, Ooh eenliighteeneed aand moost wiisee oonee." } "r ll rght, Zdc? 'r tlkng... strgl, td." } "Noo, noot aat aall - whaateeveer maadee yoouu thiink thaat?" } "Wll, 'r sng t mn vwls... Zdc! thvng bstrd! GV M M VWLS BCK!" } } ...ZT!... } } Ahem. Right, then, Supplicant - I've got mine back. Can't help you, } though, you'll have to go and find someone else with a rather odd } accent and beat them to a pulp. [Note: don't tell the police that the } Oracle told you to do it. You'll get laughed at, and charged with GBH.] } Oh, and I was always taught that Y isn't a vowel, as such. So, you can } use that one. [try: "Y dn't ndrstnd, Yr Hnr! ws ftr hs vwls!" to see } what the judge at your trial says...] } } You owe the Oracle: aa spaaree seet oof vooweels, juust iin caasee. --- 1044-05 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Alyce Wilson" The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > All hail the Oracle, the effectiveness and value of whom can not be > questioned nor assailed; > > Whenever I look in the mirror I can't help but think that there are > other women out there prettier than I. It angers me! I want to kill > them! I DO! How can I constructively deal with this rage? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Now, now, Mr. Jackson. I know things didn't work out between you } and Lisa Marie, but there's no point in taking it out on others. } Take deep, cleansing breaths. Make another album. Sign a contract } with Disney. Remember, success is the best revenge. } } You owe the Oracle the name of your plastic surgeon. I could use a } tummy tuck. --- 1044-06 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Alyce Wilson" The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Why is The USS Enterprise always encountering more dimensions and > temporal anomalys? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Well, I guess the show -could- go like this; } } Kirk: Spock! Report! } } Spock: Everything is in order sir. } } Kirk: Everything? } } Spock: Yes. } } Kirk: Engineering! } } Scotty: Aye? } } Kirk: Are the engines about to blow up? } } Scotty: No,no,no Sir. Everything is fine. } } Kirk: Kirk out. Sick Bay! } } Bones: Yes Jim? } } Kirk: Any alien life-forms inhabiting anyone down there? } } Bones: No. I'm eating my lunch. } } Kirk: Carry on! } } You owe the Oracle a hammock. --- 1044-07 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Alyce Wilson" The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oracle Most Wise; > > How does a "false alarm" differ from a "truth alarm" ? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Pre-twentieth century, the distinction was quite simple. "False alarms" } were alarms that went off when there was no cause for alarm, and "truth } alarms" were alarms that went off when there was cause for alarm. } This was clear and cut and dried, so everyone was happy, excepting } those who were standing directly underneath the alarms when they } went off. } } Things became more complicated when Bohr, Pauli, and Dirac advanced } the theory of quantum clockwork, in which any given alarm could } be both a truth alarm and a false alarm at the same time, and } that you could force it into a fixed state (which state being } decided probabilistically) only at the expense of not being able to } determine its position in space. This forms the basis of the Heisenberg } Irritation Principle: "You can either know why the alarm is going off, } or how to turn it off, but not both at once." } } Luckily, a new theory (called the Student Principle) is rapidly gaining } acceptance. In this new model, the distinction between "truth" and } "false" alarms are removed, and all alarms are now the same, to wit, } an impediment to sleep, and should be hit repeatedly with a hammer. } } You owe the Oracle a proof of Goedel's Inconvenience Theorem. --- 1044-08 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Alyce Wilson" The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh most all-knowing entity wot doth knoweth whateth meanseth to knoweth > alleth thereth iseth to knoweth. What the hell just happened?!?!?! And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Don't be alarmed, it can take hours for people returning from a } Renaissance Faire to beginning speaking normally again. } } Try not to shout 'Huzzah' at work tomorrow, it'll freak out the boss. } } You owe the Oracle a pint of bitter. --- 1044-09 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Alyce Wilson" The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > How much longer will this go on? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } At least until you learn to grovel. --- 1044-10 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Alyce Wilson" The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > What is the final test before being raised to an Aes Sedai? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } The final steps are as follows... } } -Become a level 20 or greater } -Travel to Salidar and confront the gatekeeper } -Roll a 34 or greater in 4 attacks without losing hitpoints } -Change your name to Asmodious } -Quit your job } -Live on pretzels and chip-dip, alone in a dark, damp basement } with nothing but a big pile of RP books and your favorite } bucket of tarot cards, becoming so engrossed in this game that it } becomes your universe and reason for being, only to eventually } forget how to eat and drink, then die starving and wretched } with nothing left to show for your life but a score card which } claims that you are a 14th rank Wizard-Dwarf from the enchanted } villiage of Balthrek } } You owe the Oracle one divine spell of sarcastic enlightenment