From oracle-request@cs.indiana.edu Mon Jun 8 10:50:51 1998 Received: (from daemon@localhost) by sunos.cs.indiana.edu (8.8.7/8.8.7/IUCS_2.18) id KAA11014; Mon, 8 Jun 1998 10:50:51 -0500 (EST) Date: Mon, 8 Jun 1998 10:50:51 -0500 (EST) From: Internet Oracle Message-Id: <199806081550.KAA11014@sunos.cs.indiana.edu> To: oracle-list@cs.indiana.edu Subject: Internet Oracularities #1025 Reply-To: oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu X-Face: )/f9dPAX/dU$1Z!U(/?A PiIJvIOtcN@L.>6,2OKd."T#S7b*{feRf.Kns23^P9.Ak{GdWWv]0*1E}RJ)_idU:(5VkN*_+bB kyrnLfC12B>V/q=z32:05`EcAd.!z#3k]h)O!ZU^E"f`@),(2WT X-Planation: X-Face can be viewed with ftp.cs.indiana.edu:/pub/faces. === 1025 ================================================================= Title: Internet Oracularities #1025 Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler Date: Mon, 8 Jun 1998 10:50:51 -0500 (EST) To find out all about the Internet Oracle, including how to participate, send mail to oracle@cs.indiana.edu with the word "help" in the subject line. Let us know what you like! Send your ratings of these 10 Oracularities on an integer scale of 1 ("very poor") to 5 ("very good") with the volume number to oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu (probably just reply to this message). For example: 1025 2 1 3 4 3 5 3 3 4 1 1020 87 votes gorc8 azkj3 5ivp8 icqn8 aGn66 5ewqa 9gjud 4ctse 2otma dmhr8 1020 3.0 mean 2.7 2.7 3.1 2.9 2.5 3.3 3.3 3.4 3.2 2.9 --- 1025-01 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Dr. Noe The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Kay pass ah, hum bray?! And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } The Incarnation looked raised his eyes from his whiskey, and peered at } the stranger across the brim of his Sombrero. } } "Ah Sed, 'Kay pass ah, hum bray?!'", the stranger repeated. } } The Incarnation glanced the stranger over. Knee-pads, tattered } clothes, ragged appearance. Yeap, this was a Supplicant. The } Incarnation slowly turned from his bar stool, the shot of whiskey he'd } been nursing left forgotton on the bar. } } "Eye noe yoo arr en in car nae shun, yoo hav too an ser mie kwes tun!" } the Strange Supplicant drawled, doing his best John Wayne impression, } and failing miserably. The barkeep began slowly edging his way away } from the pair, and the other clients began glancing nervously at each } other. The Incarnation merely raised his hand to adjust his sombrero, } as a bead of sweat chased its way down his cheek. } } "Hay ken yoo heer mee? Eye askt yoo 'Kay pass ah, hum bray?!' ann yoo } mus an ser mee in car nae shun!" } } ***ZOT***! } } The Bartender dove behind the bar as the Incarnation, with one smooth } movement, drew his Wand of Zot(TM) and incinerated the Supplicant, who } barely had time to shriek in pain. Some fine ash drifted to the ground } and landed on a single singed knee-pad, all that remained of the } hapless Juno-ite. } } The Incarnation slowly turned back to his seat, and took a small sip } from his whiskey, as the Bartender came up from behind the bar holding } a dust pan and a plastic baggy. The Bartender shook his head as he } swept the remains of the supplicant into the bag, where they joined the } ashes of countless other Juno and Hotmail users. He let out a sigh as } he returned to his place behind the bar, and refilled the Incarnations } whiskey. "Why do they INSIST on not grovelling?", the Bartender asked } to noone in particular. } } You owe the Oracle a Phoentic Thesarus and a Mexican Cantina. --- 1025-02 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Otis Viles The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > > ..nton was unavailable for comment. > > And now, with some late-breaking news of world-shattering significance, > the Usenet Oracle, reporting from Indiana. And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Hi, and welcome to the Oracle's computer news section. Today Microsoft } shocked us all as they announced that their latest operating system - } Windows 98 is to be renamed prior to launch as Diana, Princess of } Windows. } } A spokesman for Microsoft said that this was in tribute to the late } ex-royal and is a fitting name in that the product will look flashy, be } mostly superficial, consume vast amounts of resources and crash } spectacularly. } } And now for the weather ... --- 1025-03 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Otis Viles The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oracle most wise, you are the center of mass for wisdom, > your satellites are wit and insight! I ask your help; > > What mixture of human traits and occupations should we > humans send to populate our 1st colony on Mars if we > want it to evolve into as perfect a world as it could be?? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } As few as possible. } } You owe the Oracle a planet run by mice. --- 1025-04 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Otis Viles The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh, Most Ice-Aged, Neolithic, Evolutionary, Feathered And > Non-Flightless Oracle Who Knows About The Chicken And The Egg And All > That Stuff, Please Tell Me > What does ptarmigan ptaste like? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Pterrible. } } You owe the Oracle a ptastier ptable bird. --- 1025-05 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Otis Viles The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh most wise Oracle, whose knowledge is that of the Library of > Congress, > > Why does my math teacher insist on teaching the hard way first? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } It is what is often called "weeding" (originally known as } "kill the weak"). } } You give the difficult explanations up front to scare off the } losers and the feeble. It is a time honored and effective way } of keeping Dangerous Knowledge from falling into the hands of } the riff-raff. } } Why, we even use it here in the Digests; the first three } questions and answers are of an intense nature dealing with } obscure topics of interest only to specialists in a few very } narrow fields, this is to frighten off the casual observer. } The next three are usually absurd filler, to baffle and cloud } the minds of anyone who skipped down past the hard ones. The } third set of three is where we put The Big Truths for those in } the know. The last question is always a bogus -joke- question } and answer put in to confound anyone who should try and start } from the bottom. } } You owe the Oracle your 8th child. --- 1025-06 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Mark Lawrence The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh, great Oracle, who always knows where the remote is, > > What would an X-Files and Teletubbies crossover be like? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Johnson Residence } Middlevale, New Hampshire } May 31, 8:07 am } } [A small child is watching television. Suddenly, the child's face } hardens, and he gets up. He goes to the kitchen and gets a knife. The } child is seen pushing the door to a room open. Moments later, screams } are heard. Fade to black, cue X-Files intro.] } } [Mulder is showing Scully a file. Scully looks mildly revolted.] } } Scully: You say a three year old child did this? } } Mulder: That's what the report said. } } Scully: Mulder, that's impossible. Someone is clearly covering up a } brutal murder by blaming an innocent and most likely traumatized child. } } Mulder: I don't know about that, Scully. I've got X-Files dating back } to 1996 of these incidents occurring in England. } } Scully: I never heard about that. } } Mulder: They were kept quiet. It seems the victims were mostly } upper-class, and for the protection of those children involved, the } media was lead to believe they were botched burglaries. But it was the } same thing every time - a kid is watching TV, and then all of a sudden } goes insane and kills someone. Now, I have a hunch about something. } You stay here and maintain your confusion while I run around and get } all the good action scenes. } } Scully: Wait, Mulder, where are you going? } } Mulder: To check out a hunch. } } Scully: You always say that. Why won't you ever give me a straight } answer? } } Mulder: Dramatic suspense. Bye. } } [Mulder leaves.] } } Johnson Residence } Middlevale, New Hampshire } June 2, 2:34 pm } } [Mulder approaches the television with Generic Local Cop.] } } Mulder: You're sure no one changed the channel? } } Generic Local Cop: There's no reason why anyone would have. } } [Mulder turns on TV. It comes on to channel 12. Mulder looks pensive, } then reaches for the TV Guide - Lance Henriksen is on the cover. } Mulder flips through the TV Guide.] } } Mulder: What time of death did we say? } } Generic Local Cop: Sometime between 8:00 am and 9:00 am. } } Mulder: The kid was watching something called Teletubbies. } } [Mulder's cell phone rings.] } } Mulder: Mulder. } } Scully: It's me. I've been talking to the psychologist, and she says } this kid seems normal. The doctors did notice a weird growth on his } head, though. } } Mulder: Weird how? } } Scully: Apparently it's some sort of antenna, growing from the middle } of his head. They can't explain it, and his health seems fine } otherwise. Have you found anything? } } Mulder: I'm not sure yet. I'll meet you back at the office in a few } hours. } } [Mulder hangs up.] } } [Back at the office, Mulder is showing Scully slides of Teletubbies.] } } Scully: What the hell are those? } } Mulder: This is what the kid was watching just before killing his } parents. They're Teletubbies. It's a relatively new show here, but } guess where it started airing in 1996? } } Scully: England? } } Mulder: Yup. And the nannies of all of the children involved in the } similar cases over there have confirmed that those kids watched the } show regularly. } } Scully: What's that coming out of their heads? } } Mulder: Each of the characters has a protrusion from the head. } } [Mulder shows the slide of a yellow Teletubby with a curled antenna.] } } Scully: That's what's growing out of the little boy's head! } } Mulder: That's Laa Laa. Want to hear my theory? } } Scully: I'm not sure. } } Mulder: I think this is a government conspiracy involving aliens. } } Scully: Big shocker. } } Mulder: No, really. This time they're letting these aliens disguise } themselves as children's icons, while secretly brainwashing our young } children to become their evil minions. } } Scully: That doesn't explain why the kid is growing the antenna. } } Mulder: It's a genetic agent triggered by subliminal psychosomatic } stimuli. } } Scully: How do they transfer the genetic agent in the first place? } } Mulder: Haven't you been watching the past few seasons? They do it by } crop dusting, vaccinations, and men in black suits. } } Scully: Even if that were all true, why would they have the kids kill } their parents? } } Mulder: To destroy the older generation faster and pave the way for } hoards of mutant Teletubby kids who will take over the earth! } } Scully: Oooookay. } } Mulder: Really! It could happen! } } Cancer Man: He's right, Scully. } } Mulder: You! } } Cancer Man: Indeed. } } Mulder: I thought you were dead! } } Cancer Man: Duh. I was guaranteed a part in the movie in my last } contract. They couldn't kill me off for real. } } Mulder: D'oh! } } Cancer Man: Indeed. Anyhoo, now that you've figured out our plan, we } have to destroy you once and for all. } } Scully: Couldn't you just force us to run away from all the evidence } and then you can conveniently have it stolen or destroyed? That way we } get to on, week after week, chasing your organization like blind rats } in a maze, but never catching you? } } Cancer Man: Hmmmm....nah. I'm sick of doing that. } } [Cancer Man pulls out a gun and blows the agents' heads off.] } } Cancer Man: Well, that's that. Now I'm off to a meeting with the } Barney people. } } You owe the Oracle a plausible explanation as to how our favourite FBI } duo come back to life in time to be in this summer's movie. Note: } secret tunnels and Navajos may not be used. --- 1025-07 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Joshua R. Poulson" The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Let the mortals rejoice in the Oracle's honor and sing for joy on their > beds. The Oracle's Wit and Knowledge is like a box springs on which we > mortals lay unconscious on for long periods of time, occasionally > rising to get a drink or use the facilities. All Hail the Oracle, The > Oracle is Wise, The Oracle is Good, I know the Oracle can help me. > > How does one house-break a washing machine? My washing machine -had- > been a good washing machine until lately. Now it keeps wetting the > floor. I have tried taking it outside on the lawn before giving it a > load of clothes, but it just sits there. I even have left the door open > so it can go out when it wants. Still it is wetting the floor. Please > give me some advice. And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Ah, good supplicant, whose grovel rates 8/10 on the Grovel Scale, let } me introduce you to the concept of raising a good washing machine. } } Normally, washing machines are trained properly to use the available } facilities for waste products while still in the factory. This process, } depending on the machine in question, can take several weeks, although } the better ones will get the idea within a few days. } } However, there are always those few who fall back, especially when } coming up against difficulties in life. Either simply from immaturity, } or from trauma caused by overly heavy workloads, or colour strain, or } other such trouble, when a washing machine backslides, you have two } options. You can either take it back to the store, or you can help it } out yourself. } } The first option is easiest from your point of view, but will likely } increase the trauma to the washing machine, requiring the doctors to } spend much time healing it, or even, in the worst cases, if it is } decided that the damage is irreversible, terminating it in mercy. } Obviously, any moral owner will avoid this option if at all possible. } Even if you can't handle it yourself, give it to a friend or relative } first (making certain that they will, of course, properly care for it). } } The second option will take much time, but the investment will be worth } it. The first step is to put the washing machine in diapers. Don't call } them that, of course - that could aggravate the damage. Call it special } plumbing, or something like that. } } Don't keep them on all the time, of course. Occasionally, take them } off, bring the machine outside, and do a load there. This will teach } the machine the proper place to release its wastes. } } Remember to use kind words, and easy coaxing when talking to the } machine. And never expose it in public - only one person should ever } see it undressed at a time, preferrably limited to yourself and an } appropriate doctor. } } In time, the machine will regain its confidence and begin taking care } of itself again. } } Just remember, your washing machine is a sensitive being, and you } should always treat it with respect, in order to get along with it for } a happy, long life. } } You owe the Oracle a lifetime supply of baby food. --- 1025-08 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Joshua R. Poulson" The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh mighty Oracle, oh great cynosure, please tell me - was > it you who wrote all those Linux fortune cookies? > > Take this: > > % fortune > In Blythe, California, a city ordinance declares that a person must > own at least two cows before he can wear cowboy boots in public. > > ...I find it hard to believe that anyone but you would have known that. And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } temple:/home/oracle 1> man fortune } Formatting page. Please wait... } FORTUNE(6) Linux Games Manual FORTUNE(6) } } NAME } fortune - print a random, hopefully interesting, adage } } } } CREDITS } fortune(6) was created by The Internet Oracle } (oracle@cs.indiana.edu), formerly The Usenet Oracle. All fortunes } were also contributed from the vast resources of The Internet Oracle. } All those who ask about the origin of fortune(6) shall be required } to read the Kama Sutra piped through jive without laughing. } } May 18, 1998 1 } } temple:/home/oracle 2> --- 1025-09 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Mike Nolan The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Will I pass my Algebra final swiftly? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Yes, you will pass it, but not any more swiftly than anything else } you've ever eaten. I'd say about 20 hours from now it will reappear. } But it is going to be rather worse for wear. } } You owe the Oracle one of those knit "skirts" that you place over a } Barbie doll and a roll of toilet paper. --- 1025-10 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Rich McGee The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Help me Oh Wise Oracle! > > I awoke this morning and found an odd tattoo (shown below) on my > forehead! I am scared! What does it mean? Please help me! > > (\__/) > /O O `. > (O__, \ > / . . ) > |-| '-' \ > .( _( ) > '---.~_ _ _& And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } That is Mark, the Beast. } } You owe the Internet Oracle a packet of those "temporary" coloured } tattoos (preferrably all of penguins).