From oracle-request@cs.indiana.edu Thu May 14 09:59:52 1998 Received: (from daemon@localhost) by sunos.cs.indiana.edu (8.8.7/8.8.7/IUCS_2.18) id JAA09935; Thu, 14 May 1998 09:59:52 -0500 (EST) Date: Thu, 14 May 1998 09:59:52 -0500 (EST) From: Internet Oracle Message-Id: <199805141459.JAA09935@sunos.cs.indiana.edu> To: oracle-list@cs.indiana.edu Subject: Internet Oracularities #1018 Reply-To: oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu X-Face: )/f9dPAX/dU$1Z!U(/?A PiIJvIOtcN@L.>6,2OKd."T#S7b*{feRf.Kns23^P9.Ak{GdWWv]0*1E}RJ)_idU:(5VkN*_+bB kyrnLfC12B>V/q=z32:05`EcAd.!z#3k]h)O!ZU^E"f`@),(2WT X-Planation: X-Face can be viewed with ftp.cs.indiana.edu:/pub/faces. === 1018 ================================================================= Title: Internet Oracularities #1018 Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler Date: Thu, 14 May 1998 09:59:52 -0500 (EST) To find out all about the Internet Oracle, including how to participate, send mail to oracle@cs.indiana.edu with the word "help" in the subject line. Let us know what you like! Send your ratings of these 10 Oracularities on an integer scale of 1 ("very poor") to 5 ("very good") with the volume number to oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu (probably just reply to this message). For example: 1018 2 1 3 4 3 5 3 3 4 1 1013 88 votes juoc3 6gixf ajqmb 6xpj5 bhtjc clola mbmej 5ztd6 4nxm6 caose 1013 3.0 mean 2.4 3.4 3.1 2.8 3.0 3.0 3.0 2.8 3.0 3.2 --- 1018-01 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: David Sewell The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh Oracle most wise, who knows we are, each of us, angles with only > one wing, and we can only fly embracing each other, please tell, > how do you envision or future? > > After all, we are approaching the end of the millenium faster than > anyone could imagine, and I don't mean to be fatalist here, I just > though that, like Nostradamus before you, you could perhaps see in > our future. The immediate as well as the more distant...so let me > repeat my query Oh Magnificent One, how do you see our future? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Well, first of all, I have to disagree with your whole cosmological } view there, being, as you mentioned, the Oracle. If each of us were } angles with only one "wing," that would make us straight lines, and } thoroughly incapable of flight. } } As far as the future... well, being omnipotent, I see the future as a } small, dimpled sphere, much like a large orange, or a small grapefruit. } However, this is probably of little help to you, being fixed in linear } time as you are, and having no capacity to view the future directly. It } seems that even within your own limited scope of time, you are somewhat } confused. Nostradamus before me, indeed. Where do you think he was } getting his stuff from, anyway? Freaking tea leaves? } } ... I suppose like every one else in your timeframe, you are more } interested in specific "future" events, thinking that this knowledge } will actually help you in some way. Well, it won't. But here you go: } have a blast, pretend you have some control over your future. It'll be } amusing for me to watch. } } -- New Year's Eve at the dawn of the year 2000 will be a great } disappointment. After building it up for months, you will arrive at the } stroke of midnight drunk and confused, like every year. You may get } lucky, but she'll be faking it. } } -- In 2008, the Internet will be accessible from 78% of homes } worldwide, causing global intelligence to plummet precipitously. The } most popular Halloween costume will be the :). } } -- By the year 2016, there will be more Starbucks Coffee franchises } than places of worship in the United States. Hundreds of infants will } be sacrificed nationwide to Latte, Goddess of Valdez. } } -- The members of the Rolling Stones will pass away within weeks of } each other in the year 2021, except for Keith Richards, who, it will be } revealed, died in 1987. } } -- By the year 2042, life will precisely resemble the world in the } chilling George Lucas vision of the future, "THX 1138," with one } difference: everyone will have more hair. } } Oh, and buy Lucent Technologies (NASDAQ: LU). } } You owe the Oracle the director's cut of "THX 1138" on DVD, and a tall } decaf skim no-foam mocha. --- 1018-02 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: David Sewell The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oracle, you are like the icing on a cake of enormous proportions > that has with in it an wondrous surprise, a cake covered with > 7,734 candles and topped w/ a likeness of Mahad Prasad Varma. > > What type of yogi did Yogi Bear and Booboo practice? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Bas Ket Fil Ching. } } You owe the Oracle a ranger popping out of a cake for Lisa's } birthday party. --- 1018-03 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: David Sewell The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > about the Naked Dancing Llama And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } A coded transmission! Little does the Oracle know, but the } International Not-Nice People's Antiliberation Army has been using his } services as an underground mail drop for years! Commisar Claptup must } be ready for the attack! Now to decode it... } } BEHOLD LINDEN. ATTACK MANAGUA. } } Aha! The Phillipine regiment is to watch reruns of Barney Miller } tonight to get the attack plan cleverly hidden in the } closed-captioning. } } BALKAN AGENDA - LUNATIC METHOD } } The former Yugoslavia will be the target of the Monster Raving Looney } division, who will attack with tainted pickles with jockstraps on } their heads. } } BADLAND MANIAC TAKETH LOUNGE } } Our North Dakota operative will sieze hostages during the next Tom Jones } show at the Tropicana. } } ITHACA-OAKLAND TANDEM BUNGLE } } Damn! The Upstate New York to East Bay Bicycle-Built-For-Two Corps has } failed! } } DAKOTA - LABIAL HANDGUN CEMENT } } The Women's Auxillary will sieze the seats of government in the Dakotas } by smuggling weapons into public buildings by gluing them inside } their...*blush* } } LOCATE NANKING TAMALE BUDDHA } } We are to seek out a wise Chinese man who has made a killing selling } Mexican fast food. } } ANABEL - GENIAL MUTANT HADDOCK } } We shall win over the age 3-9 demographic with a children's program } featuring a friendly, walking, talking fish. } } BAGHDAD CANNOT TALKIE MANUEL } } Hmmm...it seems our Iraqui office has lost contact with our operative } in Mexico City. } } ANNUAL KEDDAH GENITAL COMBAT } } Time to rile up the prisoners in the stockade for the Penis Fights! } } Hah hah! The time is near! Soon, niceness and adequacy will be } vanquished everywhere! --- 1018-04 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Mike Nolan The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh most atomically awesome Oracle, what is India going to do with > nuclear weapons? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Make a REALLY hot curry. } } You owe the oracle some industrial strength toilet paper --- 1018-05 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: clemenr@westminster.ac.uk (Ross Clement) The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Most well-traveled Oracle, > you are more eternal than Rome, > you are more peaceful than all of La Paz, > you are better than that awful tower in Paris, > you have a bigger clock than the one in London, > you hang more out than all of the men in Bangkok, > you have more rasta than a fair in Kingston, > you have more pickles than New Delhi, > you have seen a koala and Beirut, > you can pronounce Tegucigalpa, > you are the funk-master of Seoul, > you are a better being than Lima. > > Any suggestions for off-the-beaten-path travel > destinations for this summer? > > Thank you. And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Nice Grovel supplicant! As a matter of fact Lisa and I have } just been thinking about where to go for our next vacation, but we've } been pretty much everywhere. Indonesia is always nice: the temples of } Borabadour, Prambanan, as well as the jungles and animals and the } diving. Australia is nice too, but then that really is the problem } isn't it? I mean they are nice, safe, structured holidays which are fit } for your grandmother's 90 year old nurse. People like us supplicant, we } need adventure in our lives. We need a vacation that excites the } senses, but is cost effective and not too time consuming. Well, you've } come to the right place, do I have the vacation for you! } } I was scanning the net the other day when I ran across a a } vacation service that would be perfect for you so I've signed you up. } Here is the brochure: } } BORED OF THE HUMDRUM? } } TIRED OF THE EVERYDAY? } } ARE YOU LOOKING FOR THE KIND OF LIFE THAT YOU'VE ONLY READ } ABOUT? } } Exciting locales, beautiful women, danger, romance . . . You've read } about them; now experience the life of James Bond first hand. } } This isn't just another vacation where you arrive at a location and if } you don't like it then you're stuck there. } } NO THIS VACATION COMES RIGHT TO YOUR DOOR!!!!! } } All of the adventure of a James Bond novel will be yours when two men } show up at your apartment and try to kill you. Mikael and Costia, who } were recently made redundant at the KGB, will come and give you a first } hand experience of a professional cold war killing. } } For ten days and eleven nights they will hunt you like a dog } just like in the popular James Bond novels. } } Some testimonials from our satisfied clients: } } Tony of Pittsburgh . . . They blew a hole in my door with some kind of } plastic explosive and then "softened up the room" as a } get to know me. They left a nice fruit basket. } } Thomas of New York . . . I spent twenty days in a sewer. } } Alan of Syracuse . . . I was lucky that they used a mercury sensor on } the car bomb. It left me just enough time to jump for my life, } but my Reliant K wasn't so lucky. I still haven't been able to } get a new car. } } Martha of San Francisco (widow of Robert). . . His cell phone just } exploded. } } Bill of Philadelphia . . . They were sitting on my futon petting my } cats when I came home from work. They said that they knew } where my mother lived and that it would be the end of her } if I didn't go to work for them. Then they gave me a } complimentary bottle of champagne. } } Robert of Chicago . . . There was a poison mint on my pillow every } night. } } WE SUPPLY THE DANGER . . . YOU FIND THE CAR, THE GIRLS, THE } SCENIC VISTAS } } All this can be yours for only $15,000 wired to a secure account in the } Cayman Islands. Check out our group rates and terrorists activities. } } Inquiries Should be } posted in the } personals of the New } York Times under the } name Bootsy. } } Sounds great doesn't it!!! They'll be by your place any day now so you } had best get on the waiting list for your Walther PPK. } } I would have loved to have joined you, but Lisa insisted on } going to the Nude beaches in the South of France again this year. Drop } me a post card if you live long enough! } } Glad that I could be of help! --- 1018-06 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Mike Nolan The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oracle most wise; > > How many supplicants does it take to change a lightbulb? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Only one but the next five thousend supplicants will all make in-jokes } about it. } } You owe the oracle a promise that this joke ends here --- 1018-07 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Dr. Noe The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oracle Most Wise! I need your help! > > I am sitting here in the dark, scared to death. A hour or so ago I was > awakened by a noise in the hallway. I got up, an aluminum bat in hand, > then something flew into my face and I gave it a mighty WHACK! with the > bat. I turned on the lights. There at my feet laid the body of a most > beautiful, tiny, winged humanoid creature. In each hand it clutched a > small leather bag. One of the bags contains a large number of what > appear to be the teeth of human children. The other bag is the one that > scares me though. In it was a coin. I took the coin out. Then I looked > in the bag, and there was another coin in it! I took that one out, > checked to see the bag was empty, then dropped it to the floor. It > clanged. It had another coin in it! It can not be emptied!! > > Something is not right. I do not want the accursed coins. I sense that > keeping the coins or the bags is Not A Good Idea... and there's still > the matter of this dead, this dead -thing- in the hallway. > > Oracle, help me! What should I do? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } As is often the case in these situations, you have no choice now but to } accept the curse that you have brought upon yourself by your brash } actions. You see, you've killed the Couch Fairy and now someone has to } take her place; that someone being you. } } The Couch Fairy flies around the digging the coins out from under } people's sofa cushions which she keeps in her bottomless coin bag and } placing teeth under their refrigerator. Her ancestry is rather cloudy, } it being generally assumed that she is one of the Toll House Elves who } inhaled a little too much BHT from her cousin's Ernie's cookie factory } one day and got this bug in her head about spare change. Nobody's quite } sure about the tooth angle, but it should be obvious where she gets } 'em. (My personal opinion is that the Tooth Fairy needed something to } do with all those teeth and took advantage of an opportunity.) } } She's closely related to the Toll House Toll Booth Fairy who collects } all the change from the little baskets on toll roads and leaves those } brownish black spots on your driveway. } } Your metamorphosis will begin in a few more hours and may take several } days. You'll first start digging through your pockets and looking in } the bottom of the washing machine, then probably checking the floor of } your car. Try to stay away from pay phones and snack machines in } public locations until the change has finished or you might be in for } some embarrassment. Once you start pulling the cushions of your sofa } off and digging through the weird hairy gunk underneath for dimes and } quarters, you will know it will be complete. } } You owe the Oracle a visit from Sandy Claws to come clean the litter } box and the Ether Bunny because he can't sleep tonight. --- 1018-08 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Carole S. Fungaroli" The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Version: 3.12 > GM/CS d-(+) s-:- a- C++ UBS>++ P+(--) L E--- W++ N++ o+ K w--- !O M+ > !V PS++ PE- Y+ PGP t+ 5 X R(+++) !tv b+++ DI++ D G e++++ h r-- z? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Geek code is old hat. Here's a code for supplicants. . . } } _________________________________________________________________ } Supplicant Code version .01 } ----------------------------------------------------------------- } } g: groveling } } g++ My grovels are original and relate to the question } in a witty manner. } g+ I take classic grovels from The Bible or Literature } and adapt them to my needs. } g I use "Oracle Most Wise;" } g- I use "dear oracle" } g-- My grovels are long winded and pointless. } g--- Typos make my grovels indecipherable. } g---- I steal grovels from askmes } } g? What's a grovel? } !g No groveling for me. } -g+ I say thank you, but don't grovel. } } _________________________________________________________________ } } Q: Questions } } Q+++ My questions are open ended, yet funny in and of } themselves, answers are rarely as funny as my } questions. } Q++ My questions are witty and tickle the intellect. } Q+ My questions are about UNIX or classic Lit. } Q I ask questions about my own life problems. } Q- I ask questions I know the answers to already. } Q-- I send in Steve Wright jokes as questions. } Q--- I send the Oracle hate mail. } Q---- I ask variations of the w..dch..k question. } } !Q I send in odd statements, I don't like questions. } Q? I ask about Oracle software. } Q* I send in long lists of questions. } _________________________________________________________________ } } F: Formatting skills } } F+++ I use impeccable grammar and spelling and understand } all USENET rules, written and unwritten. I know } when to use a space and when to use a tab. } F++ I often proofread my work before sending it. } F+ I use spell check. } F I can understand what I meant to say. } F- You can almost always tell what language I am using. } F-- I have no clue as to when to use the ENTER key, } nor have I ever heard of a spell check. } F--- I use MIME } } !F I use free-form arty typing methods. } F? Format? Doesn't everyone use WORD? } } _________________________________________________________________ } } og: og Stance } } og++++ Og cracks me up! I send questions from Og. } og+++ I find Og amusing. I send in questions about Og. } og++ I see the usefulness of Og as another foil. } og+ Og can make me smile. } og I have read of Og in a digest. } og- I do not care for Og. } og-- I find Og boring. } og--- I skip over questions or digests that mention Og. } og---- I will flame you if you mention Og. } } !og I have never heard of Og. } og? Who is Og? } OG I am Og. } } _________________________________________________________________ } } Z: Zotting } } Number of times you have been zotted. } } Z+++ 600 and up } Z++ 500-599 } Z+ 400-499 } Z 300-399 } Z- 200-299 } Z-- 100-199 } Z--- 90 and under } Z? Zot? } !Z Never been zotted. } } _________________________________________________________________ } } rh: rhodness } } rh--- I don't read rhod. } rh-- I once read rhod. } rh- I rarely read rhod. } rh I read some of rhod, but the endless cascades and } whining are too boring to keep up with. } rh+ I think rhod is neato. } rh++ I think cascades are a form of art. } rh+++ If my lame .sig is isn't in it, it ain't a cascade yet. } } !rh rhod may have been funny once, but I doubt it. } rh? rhod? } rh* I can never keep track of what froup I'm in anyway. } } _________________________________________________________________ } } eq: general etiquette } } eq+++ I send in questions daily and skip answering questions } if I have nothing funny to say. } eq++ I answer questions if I understand them completely. } eq+ I try to answer questions well. } eq I respect the person asking the question. } eq- I answer no matter what, length is very important, as } is mentioning Lisa and Zadoc and Bill Gates constantly. } eq-- Hey, one line answers are the funniest ones! I always } laugh as I type them! } eq--- I drain queues for sport. } } !eq F**K Y*U! I thinking trolling or typing one word over } and again and again is funny. } eq? Whatdaya mean there's a human reading on the other end? } } _________________________________________________________________ } } D: Digested } } Number of times you have been Digested. } } D+++ 4 or more } D++ 3 } D+ 2 } D 1 } D- 0 } D-- I had one removed, once it was found out I stole } copy-written material to use as my own. } } D? Digest? } !D Got nasty note from Priest saying I would never } ever be digested. } D* Got in a Best of!!! } } _________________________________________________________________ } } You owe the Oracle a time delayed code capsule. --- 1018-09 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Mark Lawrence The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Is this the lost and found desk? I seem to have misplaced my > purpose and goals, and while looking for them I stumbled across > these wild ideals that, quite frankly, -are not mine-. And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } IO "Bite me ! } } Oh wait ... sorry that's the response to complaints. } } You've lost your ambition and acquired someone else's ideals. } Right, Lost and Found. Standard procedure is to check the log of turned } in objects The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Fantastically spiffy, zesty, charming and heroic Oracle of the > Internet... May your praises resound through the vast packet-switched > wide-area-network which spans the globe! > May your likeness be carved in excruciating detail in large marble > slabs and placed in monuments worldwide for all to see and bask in the > warming glow of your infinite glory! > May the wind be calmed and the mountains bow down in respect to your > power of limitless vision! > May the world be a shelter of peace and happiness under the guidance of > your mighty hand, unless, of course, you prefer mayham and chaos in > which case may mass rioting and catastrophies errupt in your name! > > I, your most sickly and worthless supplicant, and a co-worker of mine, > who is also not fit to smell your toe-jam, have but a single burning > question.. > > Why is it, oh Large One, that, in the parking-lot of our worksite, > there do sit two solitary park-benches, both facing a GARBAGE CAN? > > Oh mighty destroyer of woodchucks and zotter of the feable, please > grace us with the wisdom of your perceptive sight! And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Good grovel! Ooh, I enjoyed that one................. } I REALLY enjoyed that one, ooh, yeah...............so much, in fact, } that I think I'll actually give you a straight answer for once, instead } of dodging the question by taking one single word of it out of context } and basing an extended weak pun on the deliberate misinterpretation } of ambiguous semantics with - in the words of the BBC voiceover man } before EVERY SINGLE new sitcom - "hilarious consequences". Or } simply taking the **** out of the style in which your question was } asked, } imitating your flow, lexicon, and sentence construction in an } infuriating } or just downright turgid torrent of tedious parody. Or falling back on } the } good old stand-bys which suffice when I just really can't be arsed to } think up something witty, such as ZOT and w**d***cks. } Yes, I think you've impressed me so much with that excellent grovel, } supplicant, that I really will actually treat you to a slice of my } infinite } intellect, my wondrous wisdom, my omniscient Oracular wit, without } even buggering off on holiday and getting Zadoc, Og or Kendai to } answer the question instead while me and Lisa sup sumptous heady } exotic liquers under a sun-washed fountain on far-away shores in the } Zeta Reticuli system, getting the galaxy's ONLY non-carcinogenic tan, } and thoroughly disproving Shakespeare's assertion about alcohol (you } know, the one about "taking away the performance" ? Will, m'boy, you } obviously never had a Reticulan Red-Face Wrangle-Raising Root Beer!) } leaving you to fume at your monitor when a smug sarcastic semi-literate } sneer is the response to your heartfelt plea for help. } Yes, just this once, I really WILL answer your question, supplicant, } without } even ranting on for pages about inconsequential irrelevancies in the } vain } hope that by the time you get to the bottom, you'll have completely and } utterly forgotten about your question and...oh bugger, I've run out of } spa....